Post by Steven Osbourne on Oct 20, 2019 18:12:21 GMT -5
Steven Osbourne is behind a newsanchor's desk. To be more accurate he's behind a really cheap knock off of a newsanchor's desk. Steven sports a cheesy smile, sharp pink suit and matching tie and is holding a microphone that says Channel 69 on the side.
I'm Steven Osbourne for Channel 69 news. I'm not just behind this desk because it means I don't have to wear pants.
Camera pans to Veronica Anderson who rolls her eyes.
Don't worry I made him wear pants.
Off screen we hear Amber Del Vallee's voice "I'm not wearing pants" Steven grins.
It's gonna be a good night. But right now.. I'm here with a breaking news story. This just in.. I know you trying douching... but you're already a douche Jaice. But my source recently told me that bleaching your asshole totally handles that pesky "Dark Spectre" problem. Of course most people just ignore Dark Spectre problems because they are totally irrelevant. But you're not Dark Spectre anymore.. right Jaice. But you're still irrelevant. You as the Spectre accomplished nothing in UCI. But wait.. you became a big star in Action Wrestling. Just kidding.. you only won something called the 201 and fun title which is basically a lesser version of my junior heavyweight championship. Your biggest accomplishment? You managed to lose the title twice.. once for yourself.. once for the man who beat you. But hey.. you're a legend right? At least that's what you tell everyone.. again and again and again.. hoping.. praying they believe it. Back in the day you used to be world champion.. Wait.. you didn't even accomplish that. You had a whole career filled with hardcore and tv, and other lesser titles. What kind of legend are you Jaice? Because being king of the middle of the pack.. that doesn't sound like legend status to me.
Steven pauses.
You don't even do that anymore. You went from.. at least winning some titles to.. losing a fall to Allen Anderson. Losing in the first round of the number one contender tournament. Let's be real... you're only even getting THIS title shot because Jobber Dave already got his. Yep.. you're below Jobber Dave on the pecking order. My only real question is this.. are you that far past your prime, or did you just get that lazy? Or if it most of those feds.. just weren't that good. Did you beat legions and legions of Richard Dwecks to win your titles? Because I could believe that. But you can believe this.. I'm no Richard Dweck.. I'm not lazy.. I am motivated.. and I'm just hitting my stride. I made the junior heavyweight champion mean something and I'll be damned if I let a slacker loser such as yourself ruin all of my hard work. Which brings me to the point of this newscast.
About time too.
Every week Jaice Wilds writes his opponent a letter. In those letters he's the badass it seems like he can never be in the ring. "|I will treat this as a 3-on-1 handicap match, and I will put you down right beside our opponents." Jaice's letter from last week. He would go on to lose the tag match, his second loss to Spartan. "
I'm ready for war, Arthur. The question is: are you?" Apparently you weren't ready for War because Arthur Pleasant certainly conquered you. I could find more examples but it's redundant. The question is.. how does Jaice find the words to say every week when he fails so badly time and time again? It's almost like a different person is speaking for Jaice in those letters. Because surely the man who's so fierce in print couldn't be so weak in the ring, could he? I came to the obvious conclusion and the reason for this expose. Jaice Wilds has outsourced his letter writing! To this hot Indian chick!
camera pans over to an annoyed lady of Indian descent.
I have a name you know.. It's Mandeep.
What a great name it is! You want this man to go deep?
It means lamp of the mind you creep!
What proof do you have that you are Jaice's ghost writer?
I have these cancelled cheques.
Mandeep pulls out a stack of cheque stubs signed "D. Spectre"
Besides it's kind of obvious. I'm an intelligent, well spoken young woman. Jaice is barely literate. The man calls himself "The Xtreme Aerialist" Extreme is spelt with an "E" you buffoon!
So.. if you were writing Jaice's letter to me what would you say?
I am going to be writing the letter to you. What it will say are a bunch of total lies. I will write Jaice trying to dismiss his losing streak the same way I always do. I will have Jaice talk about his fighting spirit. Because I have to say something that makes it seem believable Jaice might win. Even though everybody with half a brain. The kind of people who spell Extreme with an "E" already know Jaice has no hope. That he's so far past his prime he can't even see it. To be honest... I've been phoning in the letters lately. I'm bored. That's why I agreed to appear on this show. I'm sick of covering for a loser like Wilds. Every week I wrote down the magic words. Then Jaice makes them meaningless with his terribly uninspired performance in the ring.
I think you might be being a bit hard on Jaice. After all he's not like he proclaims himself to be some sort of hardcore icon. But yet he debuted during the first hardcore title match and was a complete non factor. Wait.. that's exactly what happened! It's not like his career highlights were a pair of wins over Road Dawg that were so unimpressive they didn't even earn him a North American title shot. Wait... that's also true. But he had a good showing in the Alpha Showdown. If by good you mean finished second last. He did worse then Michael Brilliance. Whoever that is. On second thought.. you may actually not have been hard enough on Jaice.
I basically said he was illiterate, talentless, lazy and was taking up space on the APW roster.
I know.. like I said.. not nearly hard enough on Wilds. The man honestly believes he's one of the all time legends failing to realize that legacies are earned not something you can brag your way into. That said.. I promised you a reward for appearing on television with me. So how about you, Ronnie, and the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer have ourselves one rocking threesome!
I'd sleep with Mandeep.. but not you Osbourne!
That does sound like a much better idea. You want to?
It'll get us out of here at least.
Wait... can I at least watch?
Both women flip Steven the flip as they leave. Osbourne shrugs.
I know what you're thinking Jaice.. why didn't you edit that out.. make yourself look good? Because unlike you.. I don't have to try and make myself look good. Sure Mandeep and Ronnie rejected me. I still have Amber waiting in the wings anyways. Unlike you.. I don't have to talk up what a legend I am because... my results speak for themselves. I'm the man they feared to put in the world title contender's tournament because I would have not only won it.. but been a dual champion to boot. You're gonna think I'm bragging just like you do Jaice.. but that's not bragging those are facts. I've been talking about how the world title contender's tournament was a sham for weeks and nobody has done a damn thing about it. Because they know I'd run through them like a lap dance at a strip club. I'd skip straight to the happy ending.. yet another Osbourne victory. I already destroyed one man from the tournament in Dave. This week I make it two.
No boasting.. those are all facts. I don't need to brag to make myself look good.. I can do that simply by destroying you.. exactly like I said I would. Your rep as a legend is bogus.. your letters are bogus.. hell even your ownership of the Masada corporation is bogus. You were Masada's second choice... after Allen Anderson of all people. I don't blame him either. At least Allen had dreams of something bigger. He believed in the corporation. You only got involved because Masada was an actual star. You just pretend to be one. Your only dream is to suck a little more life out of your phony legend claim. I know the truth though. You're second class.. second rate.. and to be honest a poor challenger for MY junior heavyweight championship. Another week, another letter, another loss. The only thing actually in doubt is how you got the balls to call yourself the final general. You've barely even a final speed bump. Thinking you actually have a chance.. that's gonna be your... final fantasy.
