Post by Steven Osbourne on Jun 9, 2019 19:03:41 GMT -5
The scene fades in on an awesome looking office. Massive stacked ancient wooden book shelf. Ancient desk. Super fancy water cooler. Black leather couch and office chairs. Steven Osbourne struts in wearing a pink leisure suit.
Osbourne: Hello all you wannabes. Or should I say wannaSteves because let's be honest who doesn't want to be the super sexy boogeyman slayer? Shit I tried to clone myself once just to see how awesome it would be to hang out with me. It didn't work. But I nailed this hot doctor chick so I consider that a win anyways! But I'm gonna hook you fine people up. This office.. this impresses chicks. But I know what you're thinking. It ain't cheap! But I'll let you in a little secret. It's rented. Maximum impact. Minimum expense. Thing about the Os man if I can get away with taking a short cut I'm gonna do it. Because I live my life by one motto. CHEATING RULES! That and bang all the hot chicks you can!
Steven looks around.. something is missing. He grins goes back into the hallway and pulls out a 4 foot tall statue of a penis. He places it on the desk.
Osbourne: There! Now this office is perfect! Since I joined APW I have two major life goals to accomplish while I'm in the fed. One is to win the world title. Two is to get my hands on all the fine poon I can! And I mean both hands.. and my mouth. At the same time! You know the Oz factor is a multitasker though. So I came up with a plan to help me with all of my life goals at the same time. I need to hire me a manager. So I carefully reviewed all the interested parties. Got rid of the dudes. Got rid of the uggos. I kept eliminating people until I got down to my final two candiates. I figured it would make for good tv to bring em both out here. So bring on contestant number one.. she's a.. I didn't really read what she did. but she's got banging measurements... please welcome Amber Del Vallee!
Amber walks in and she looks exactly like you would expect someone with that name to look. Blond, big breasts, beautiful, vacant look on her face.
Osbourne: Did you used to work at a strip club?
ADV: Like oh my god.. how'd you know?
Osbourne: I got a talent for these things. Speaking of talent... you're totally hired!
ADV: Like awesome! But like what was I hired for?
Osbourne: For having sex on my desk. Obviously.
ADV: Like okay.
Osbourne: Wait.. that worked. I mean.. of course that worked. As an added bonus.. you're hired as my manager. So we can also have sex on my desk tommorow.
ADV: I like.. don't like always having sex in the same places.
Osbourne: Me neither dude. There's different desks though.
ADV: Totally.
Steven begins to unzip... as the second candiate walks in. An attractive redhead with a serious expression on her face. She looks at Steven.. with disgust.
Osbourne: Wait... you weren't supposed to be here for another ten minutes.
Woman 2: I heard you in the hallway. I figured either I would come in or I would throw up. I decided to come in rather then leave. Which I should have done.
Osbourne: Are you here for the threesome?
Woman 2: Not on your life1 I'm here for the manager job.
Osbourne: The position has been filled dude. In fact I'm gonna fill her up in a few seconds.
Woman 2: Disgusting. And you.. do you not have any respect for yourself?
ADV: Like I totally do. I'm just like into new experiences.
Woman 2: Me too. How about you Steven?
Osbourne: Absolutely! I knew things were gonna go my way dude!
Woman 2: I'm a lady. Why do you keep calling me dude?
Osbourne: It's unisex.
Woman 2: Whatever.
ADV: Hey! That's like totally my line.
Woman 2: So.. new experiences.. do you like being sued for sexual harassment per chance?
Osbourne: Fuck! Not again. Wait.. you can't sue me! I brought you in here for diversity!
Woman 2: I'm white. You're white. |That girl.. I'm going to guess her name is Amber is also white.
ADV: Like how did you know my name?
Woman 2: Lucky guess.
Osbourne: But you're a redhead and she's a blonde! Diversity! I was expecting you would be more fun. You're Veronica Anderson, right?
Anderson: Why would you think this was going to be more fun?
Osbourne: You're a fire crotch of course!
ADV: That's like totally true!
Osbourne: Does the carpet match the drapes dude?
Anderson: If you ever say that again I will personally light your crotch on fire.
Osbourne: Yikes. Okay no more more fire crotch jokes. Okay.. first interview question.. are you impressed that statue is an actual scale model of my penis?
Steven points at the statue he dragged in the office a few minutes earlier.
ADV: Like oh my god. You're huge!
Anderson: That's disgusting. You're disgusting. And a liar.
Osbourne: I could prove you wrong!
Anderson: And I could mace you.
Osbourne: Okay moving on. Second question. Will you help me cheat during wrestling matches.
ADV: I like don't cheat. I'm more into open relationships.
Anderson: Yes.
Steven looks shocked Veronica finally said something he agreed with.
Osbourne: Wait.. what?
Anderson: As your manager I make more money the more matches you win. Therefore it is in my best interest to help you win as many matches as possible. Therefore I am more then willing to cheat in order to help myself make more money.
Osbourne: You're hired.
ADV: Like.. which one of us?
Osbourne: Both of you.
Anderson: Wait... I have to work with you AND her? This is going to be a nightmare.
ADV: We can like go shopping and be BFFS and..
Anderson: Like I said..a nightmare.
Osbourne: I'd like to have sex with Amber so she's hired. But I like Veronica's ruthlessness so she's hired too. Plus I think she might sue me if I didn't hire her.
Anderson: Am I going to make less money if you hire as both.
Osbourne: Nah.. I'll just low ball Amber on the contract. Then I'll actually low ball her.
ADV: What's a low ball?
OSbourne: I'll show you later. This couldn't have worked out better for me. Unless I found myself booked against a hot chick in my first match in the APW!
Anderson: I took the liberty of researching your opponent. You are facing Full Metal Lucy Sixx.
Osbourne: Score! Everything is coming up Oz once again! Wait... she isn't the daughter of Nicky Sixx is she? I mean I banged a lot of chicks to Motley Crue songs. I would feel kind of guilty beating up his daughter.
Anderson: No... it appears she's simply a knock off. She's a rocker chick who simply stole his last name.
Osbourne: So.. you mean to say she wasn't good enough as a musician to make it on her own so she had to rip off a more popular artist. And when that didn't work she got into pro wrestling.
ADV: Like.. what a loser.
Anderson: See? Even Amber gets it.
Osbourne: They must be setting me up with an easy victory in my debut then. Makes sense. I am the only real star in APW. When we main event the show I'll give all the fans a thrill when I finish her off in the middle of the ring..
Anderson: It isn't the main event?
Osbourne: What? Lucy must be even worse then I thought. I mean I know how good I am. All the ladies know how good I am. The fact we aren't in the main event must mean everyone knows how much of a mismatch this is and how easily I'm going to crush her. I almost feel sorry for Lucy. So I'm going to give her some advice. Change your name to Lucy Sixx-ty Nine. Sex sells and with your lack of experience and lack of wrestling talent you clearly need something dude.
ADV: She is cute though.
Amber has somehow managed to pull up the profile of Ms Sixx on Steven's computer. Steven looks over.
Osbourne: Dude! I finally noticed something good about her. I mean she has no talent.. no prospects.. she's about to lose her debut. She is not in my league. Doesn't even belong on my planet. Probably doesn't even have any wrestling training.
Anderson: Get to the point would you?
Osbourne: She's got pink hair! That's awesome!
Steven points to his suit.
Osbourne: Real men wear pinks and so do real girls. Unfortunately that's where the favorable comparisons end. I'm the sexual superman. She makes Nickelback look cool. I'm a real wrestler. She's the Mili Vanilla of wrestling.
Anderson: I don't think you said that right.
Osbourne: Don't care. Just like nobody is gonna care about her name in a few weeks either. She's only gonna be famous as a trivia question. Who was the first person APW hall of famer Steven Osbourne defeated. Congratulates babe.. you're gonna be famous for doing nothing. You could be a Kardakasian!
ADV: I love Kim! She's got a super hot boyfriend. Kayne is dreamy.
Osbourne: You kidding? I taught him how to sing!
ADV: Really?
Anderson: No!
Osbourne: Maybe if she's nice to me I'll teach Lucy how to wrestle after I finish beating her up. God knows she needs the help. Lucy.. there's only one question left to answer. Are you gonna suck my dick or what?
Anderson: That catchphrase is trademarked.
Osbourne: Damnit! Fine.. I'll try again. Lucy.. what ya gonna do when the largest cock in the world deep throats you?
Anderson: Urg.. that was horrible.
Osbourne: Lucy.. sex sell but you're gonna be the only one paying for it!
Anderson: Good enough. Let's wrap this up before it somehow gets worse.
Osbourne: It's amazing how many times I've heard that.
ADV: What does that even mean?
Osbourne: I'm gonna win and have sex... duh.
Anderson: That's not.. oh whatever.
ADV: You like.. stole my line again.
Veronica snaps at the cameraman to cut the feed as Steven makes multiple crotch chops towards it until it fades out.
Osbourne: Hello all you wannabes. Or should I say wannaSteves because let's be honest who doesn't want to be the super sexy boogeyman slayer? Shit I tried to clone myself once just to see how awesome it would be to hang out with me. It didn't work. But I nailed this hot doctor chick so I consider that a win anyways! But I'm gonna hook you fine people up. This office.. this impresses chicks. But I know what you're thinking. It ain't cheap! But I'll let you in a little secret. It's rented. Maximum impact. Minimum expense. Thing about the Os man if I can get away with taking a short cut I'm gonna do it. Because I live my life by one motto. CHEATING RULES! That and bang all the hot chicks you can!
Steven looks around.. something is missing. He grins goes back into the hallway and pulls out a 4 foot tall statue of a penis. He places it on the desk.
Osbourne: There! Now this office is perfect! Since I joined APW I have two major life goals to accomplish while I'm in the fed. One is to win the world title. Two is to get my hands on all the fine poon I can! And I mean both hands.. and my mouth. At the same time! You know the Oz factor is a multitasker though. So I came up with a plan to help me with all of my life goals at the same time. I need to hire me a manager. So I carefully reviewed all the interested parties. Got rid of the dudes. Got rid of the uggos. I kept eliminating people until I got down to my final two candiates. I figured it would make for good tv to bring em both out here. So bring on contestant number one.. she's a.. I didn't really read what she did. but she's got banging measurements... please welcome Amber Del Vallee!
Amber walks in and she looks exactly like you would expect someone with that name to look. Blond, big breasts, beautiful, vacant look on her face.
Osbourne: Did you used to work at a strip club?
ADV: Like oh my god.. how'd you know?
Osbourne: I got a talent for these things. Speaking of talent... you're totally hired!
ADV: Like awesome! But like what was I hired for?
Osbourne: For having sex on my desk. Obviously.
ADV: Like okay.
Osbourne: Wait.. that worked. I mean.. of course that worked. As an added bonus.. you're hired as my manager. So we can also have sex on my desk tommorow.
ADV: I like.. don't like always having sex in the same places.
Osbourne: Me neither dude. There's different desks though.
ADV: Totally.
Steven begins to unzip... as the second candiate walks in. An attractive redhead with a serious expression on her face. She looks at Steven.. with disgust.
Osbourne: Wait... you weren't supposed to be here for another ten minutes.
Woman 2: I heard you in the hallway. I figured either I would come in or I would throw up. I decided to come in rather then leave. Which I should have done.
Osbourne: Are you here for the threesome?
Woman 2: Not on your life1 I'm here for the manager job.
Osbourne: The position has been filled dude. In fact I'm gonna fill her up in a few seconds.
Woman 2: Disgusting. And you.. do you not have any respect for yourself?
ADV: Like I totally do. I'm just like into new experiences.
Woman 2: Me too. How about you Steven?
Osbourne: Absolutely! I knew things were gonna go my way dude!
Woman 2: I'm a lady. Why do you keep calling me dude?
Osbourne: It's unisex.
Woman 2: Whatever.
ADV: Hey! That's like totally my line.
Woman 2: So.. new experiences.. do you like being sued for sexual harassment per chance?
Osbourne: Fuck! Not again. Wait.. you can't sue me! I brought you in here for diversity!
Woman 2: I'm white. You're white. |That girl.. I'm going to guess her name is Amber is also white.
ADV: Like how did you know my name?
Woman 2: Lucky guess.
Osbourne: But you're a redhead and she's a blonde! Diversity! I was expecting you would be more fun. You're Veronica Anderson, right?
Anderson: Why would you think this was going to be more fun?
Osbourne: You're a fire crotch of course!
ADV: That's like totally true!
Osbourne: Does the carpet match the drapes dude?
Anderson: If you ever say that again I will personally light your crotch on fire.
Osbourne: Yikes. Okay no more more fire crotch jokes. Okay.. first interview question.. are you impressed that statue is an actual scale model of my penis?
Steven points at the statue he dragged in the office a few minutes earlier.
ADV: Like oh my god. You're huge!
Anderson: That's disgusting. You're disgusting. And a liar.
Osbourne: I could prove you wrong!
Anderson: And I could mace you.
Osbourne: Okay moving on. Second question. Will you help me cheat during wrestling matches.
ADV: I like don't cheat. I'm more into open relationships.
Anderson: Yes.
Steven looks shocked Veronica finally said something he agreed with.
Osbourne: Wait.. what?
Anderson: As your manager I make more money the more matches you win. Therefore it is in my best interest to help you win as many matches as possible. Therefore I am more then willing to cheat in order to help myself make more money.
Osbourne: You're hired.
ADV: Like.. which one of us?
Osbourne: Both of you.
Anderson: Wait... I have to work with you AND her? This is going to be a nightmare.
ADV: We can like go shopping and be BFFS and..
Anderson: Like I said..a nightmare.
Osbourne: I'd like to have sex with Amber so she's hired. But I like Veronica's ruthlessness so she's hired too. Plus I think she might sue me if I didn't hire her.
Anderson: Am I going to make less money if you hire as both.
Osbourne: Nah.. I'll just low ball Amber on the contract. Then I'll actually low ball her.
ADV: What's a low ball?
OSbourne: I'll show you later. This couldn't have worked out better for me. Unless I found myself booked against a hot chick in my first match in the APW!
Anderson: I took the liberty of researching your opponent. You are facing Full Metal Lucy Sixx.
Osbourne: Score! Everything is coming up Oz once again! Wait... she isn't the daughter of Nicky Sixx is she? I mean I banged a lot of chicks to Motley Crue songs. I would feel kind of guilty beating up his daughter.
Anderson: No... it appears she's simply a knock off. She's a rocker chick who simply stole his last name.
Osbourne: So.. you mean to say she wasn't good enough as a musician to make it on her own so she had to rip off a more popular artist. And when that didn't work she got into pro wrestling.
ADV: Like.. what a loser.
Anderson: See? Even Amber gets it.
Osbourne: They must be setting me up with an easy victory in my debut then. Makes sense. I am the only real star in APW. When we main event the show I'll give all the fans a thrill when I finish her off in the middle of the ring..
Anderson: It isn't the main event?
Osbourne: What? Lucy must be even worse then I thought. I mean I know how good I am. All the ladies know how good I am. The fact we aren't in the main event must mean everyone knows how much of a mismatch this is and how easily I'm going to crush her. I almost feel sorry for Lucy. So I'm going to give her some advice. Change your name to Lucy Sixx-ty Nine. Sex sells and with your lack of experience and lack of wrestling talent you clearly need something dude.
ADV: She is cute though.
Amber has somehow managed to pull up the profile of Ms Sixx on Steven's computer. Steven looks over.
Osbourne: Dude! I finally noticed something good about her. I mean she has no talent.. no prospects.. she's about to lose her debut. She is not in my league. Doesn't even belong on my planet. Probably doesn't even have any wrestling training.
Anderson: Get to the point would you?
Osbourne: She's got pink hair! That's awesome!
Steven points to his suit.
Osbourne: Real men wear pinks and so do real girls. Unfortunately that's where the favorable comparisons end. I'm the sexual superman. She makes Nickelback look cool. I'm a real wrestler. She's the Mili Vanilla of wrestling.
Anderson: I don't think you said that right.
Osbourne: Don't care. Just like nobody is gonna care about her name in a few weeks either. She's only gonna be famous as a trivia question. Who was the first person APW hall of famer Steven Osbourne defeated. Congratulates babe.. you're gonna be famous for doing nothing. You could be a Kardakasian!
ADV: I love Kim! She's got a super hot boyfriend. Kayne is dreamy.
Osbourne: You kidding? I taught him how to sing!
ADV: Really?
Anderson: No!
Osbourne: Maybe if she's nice to me I'll teach Lucy how to wrestle after I finish beating her up. God knows she needs the help. Lucy.. there's only one question left to answer. Are you gonna suck my dick or what?
Anderson: That catchphrase is trademarked.
Osbourne: Damnit! Fine.. I'll try again. Lucy.. what ya gonna do when the largest cock in the world deep throats you?
Anderson: Urg.. that was horrible.
Osbourne: Lucy.. sex sell but you're gonna be the only one paying for it!
Anderson: Good enough. Let's wrap this up before it somehow gets worse.
Osbourne: It's amazing how many times I've heard that.
ADV: What does that even mean?
Osbourne: I'm gonna win and have sex... duh.
Anderson: That's not.. oh whatever.
ADV: You like.. stole my line again.
Veronica snaps at the cameraman to cut the feed as Steven makes multiple crotch chops towards it until it fades out.
