Post by Steven Osbourne on Sept 22, 2019 8:19:31 GMT -5
Off in the distance we see Steven Osbourne, next to a cart, shouting out in the most over the top fake Southern voice ever.
Steven Osbourne: Hot dogs for Jesus! Eat yourself a foot long for the lord courtesy the church of the unknown saint! What a deal people.. 5 dollars gets you a hot dog and a bible! Now includes the special long lost gospel of the unknown saint! Get your dose of the holy spirit and all beef! Only 5 dollars! All proceeds go to the church in order to spread the word! We have bibles.. we have hot dogs.. we have mustard!
A customer walks up.. pays his money... gets his bible and wiener.
Customer: You guys got any ketchup?
Steven Osbourne: You heathen! Ketchup is the sauce of Satan! Ya'll need Jesus!
Customer: Umm.. okay.
The confused man walks off as Steven continues his sales pitch. His bizarre spectacle is drawing quite the crowd.
Steven Osbourne: I know you don't believe in the power of hot dogs and mustard and the bible but I swear to all of you people.. they are the food of the new communion. The unknown prophet's gospel has opened my eyes. Communion wine, hot dogs and the power of his word! These things have saved my life. Once I was a sinner. Once I wasted my life in the pursuit of the flesh. So many years I spent trying to get the poon instead of getting salvation! But you people don't have to waste your time.. no.. just listen to the wisdom of the super pious prayer slayer and trust in the dog of faith and you all can be saved!
A snort is heard. Watching in a non descipt white rental car across the street is Veronica Anderson and Amber Del Vallee.
Veronica Anderson: He's getting worse.
ADV: Like can I get a hot dog?
Veronica Anderson: No.. you can't get a hot dog! Will you stay focused?
ADV: Food helps me focus.
Anderson: He's getting stranger. Even for Osbourne's standards. We have to do something. I didn't think I would ever want the old Osbourne back. But this guy is bad for business.
Amber taunts Veronica in a sing song voice
ADV: You like Osbourne!
Veronica Anderson: I do not! I like money! Still I think I'm gonna have to do something drastic.
ADV: You mean like get a hot dog?
Veronica Anderson: Fine.. go ahead. It'll be like a scouting mission.
Amber gets out of the car. She walks over.. his short skirt blowing in the wind. Back in the day Steven would have loved it. Today..
Steven Osbourne: Put some clothes on foul temptress! Have I not preached the word of the Church of the Unknown Saint to you? But still you remain a sinner? Still you have not found faith. You know who you remind me of? Fourgasm! You're not smart enough to realize your sinful ways.
ADV: Like.. I'm not smart? Really? I'm like your friend Steven. We used to be more then friends.
Steven Osbourne: Then I realized you were just using me.. for sex!
ADV: Like.. I thought we both were doing that.
Steven Osbourne: You used me for my unit instead of the great soul within me.
ADV: I'm like confused.
Steven Osbourne: You're always confused. Seek Jesus slut.
The infamous Pastor Phillip makes a hand motion and two burly security guards grab Amber.
Pastor Phillip: Take her.. to the prayer tank.
ADV: Like... why do you guys have a tank?
Pastor Phillip: It's not that kind of tank.
Steven Osbourne: It would be kind of cool if we got a tank.
ADV: I know.. it's a tank top isn't it?
Pastor Phillip sighs.
Pastor Phillip: She's too dumb to be a follower. Take her somewhere remote and drop her off.
ADV: Like remote control?
Steven Osbourne: You see that lady? She has been dumb struck by the devil! It's too far for her but it's not too late for you to be saved.
Cue a quick movement of hot dogs and bibles. The biblical goon drags off Amber. Veronica looks for a second like she is going to follow the black van she was tossed in but instead the rental car slowly pulls away trying not to draw attention to itself. Pastor Phillip smiles and motions to his disciple Danielle.
Pastor Phillip: Good work Brother Steven. You really seem to connect with the suckers.. err people. Take a break.. Sister Danielle will man the holy hot dog cart.
Danielle: It will be my honour. Jesus Christ is all of our *beep*s
A black guy throws down his hot dog and stomps off after having heard that. Danielle pays no attention as she begins her pitch meanwhile the pastor and Steven relax at a picnic table.
Pastor Phillip: I'm a little worried Brother Steven. Now that you are representing our church on television.
Steven Osbourne: Hold up.. you're worried.. about my match.. against Fourgasm?
Pastor Phillip: After your disappointing performance against the Fox and then last week against the Spartan.. we are..
Steven Osbourne: But.. it's Fourgasm. These guys are like somebody cloned two Sandy Coconutz and somehow made them less talented but more annoying. I'm not talking a little less talented either. Like the 90s pop song goes God must have spent a little less time on you!
Pastor Phillip: I'm hip and I know that's not how the song goes.
Steven Osbourne: It's an Osbourne remix! That one line of song is going to be far better then anything Fourgasm offers up as a performance. Even their name is sub par. They are two of them.. how they are a Fourgasm? Four boobs?
Pastor Phillip: Don't talk about breasts. That leads to impure thoughts.
Steven Osbourne: Sorry pastor. But c'mon.. if they are gonna be unrealistic.. they could have at least been Fourgy! That's a much better name!
Pastor Phillip: Orgies are also a sin.
Steven Osbourne: Everything about these guys are a sin but don't worry pastor.. I got the cure for their sinning ways. An old testament style ass kicking! I'm gonna stone em until they can't take no more. Which to be honest is only gonna take a few seconds because.. they aren't very good. They have never actually been very good. Do you remember Fourgasm used to be in the WCF? Don't worry neither does anybody else! What tag teams do you remember? Teams like the New Confederacy, Mushroom Mandingo, The Vapor Kings, The Thickness, even Adam Young's Big Time Jerks! All of those teams experienced far more success then Fourgasm. They were an afterthought.. a joke!
Steven pauses.
Steven Osbourne: Kinda exactly the way they looked last week. Liliana Rose at least lost to Tsukiko. A champion. But Kylie Moore's performance against Alex Scott.. really sums up Fourgasm. She lost to someone who's been here almost since the beginning and never managed to capture a title. But yet he owned Moore pretty easy didn't he? You can take Fourgasm out of the old WCF but you can't take the failure out of Fourgasm! I could just make boobs and bush jokes for hours but to be honest I don't even need to. Besides those are the only things even remotely good about them.
Pastor Phillip: Now you are sexualizing your opponents. Brother Steven... I am worried.
Steven Osbourne: Don't be. I'm simply being merciful. I'm leaving them with something to be proud of. At least we are hot. Is what they can say after they have gotten their asses kicked once again. They need to find a fed bad enough to let them be tag team champions again because APW.. it damn sure it ain't. I mean they are about to get smoked by two guys that have never teamed up before. We have been in the ring before though. Does anyone else remember the day I kicked Smith Jones' ass? I mean.. I'm not bragging about it.
Pastor Phillip: But you already okayed a new line of promotional t shirts. I kicked Smith Jones' ass for the Lord.
Steven Osbourne: Okay.. I am bragging about it. Boastfulness is yours when you make someone your bitch sayeth the lord.
Pastor Phillip: Chapter 19 Verse 9 of the gospel of the unknown saint. I see you've been doing your research.
Steven Osbourne: I have but Kylie and Lili have not. I actually saw them on tv talking about what legends they are. Are they a member of Allen Anderson's cult or something?
Somewhere somebody is laughing over the thought of Steven accusing someone else in being in a cult.
Steven Osbourne: Being a legend means you actually did something to get that status. You can't just call yourself a legend and call it good. You actually have to prove it. You are legendary like herpes is legendary. You just keep calling back but nobody actually wants you around. But in the end.. you're more an annoying rash then anything. PS I don't have herpes... I prayed the herpes away. God cured me of herpes the same way I'm going to cure the wrestling world of Fourgasm.
Pastor Phillip: Amen. Praise Jesus.
Steven Osbourne: To say I'm feeling confident this week is an understatement. First off because that's what happens when you face a team who has barely wrestled since one of their members suffered a career threatening injury. The Lord works in mysterious ways so maybe that car crash was his sign that Lillianna Rose had no business being in wrestling anyways. Sounds harsh don't it? But if you've seen her in the ring since you came back damned if you aren't thinking. That's totally true. Which is why Lili and Kylie were picked as Smith Jones and mine opponent's this week. Remember how I said I beat Smith Jones? That proves how good I am. You know what proves how good Smith Jones is? He took the late world champion, who I hope made it through those pearly gates, Masada Judei.
Pastor Phillip: He wasn't a member of the Church of the Unknown Saint.. but we will pray for his salvation.
Steven Osbourne: Smith Jones also earned another chance at the vacant world title. That means Smith Jones is good. I would say he's almost as good as the super pious prayer slayer. But I'm not gonna say that.. because I'm a humble sort of guy. Let's be real.. this match was set up as a showcase for Smith going into the world title match. He needed some victims to destroy before he went for the world title. So they teamed him up with the most talented, most handsome, most god fearing man on the roster. Because they knew putting the two of us against those washed up whores in Fourgasm was a slam dunk. I only have one question. Can I even call someone washed up when they never really had a prime to begin with?
Pastor Phillip: We can pray on it?
Steven Osbourne: Why waste God's time with questions about Fourgasm? He could be spending it.. doing literally anything else. Which coincidently is how I feel about having to face Fourgasm this week. It's a gimme win that I'm not even going to have to work for. It's like as if I was facing Richard Dweck or something. Now I'm not saying they are worse then Richard Dweck.. nobody is THAT bad. But compared to me.. yeah Rose and Moore might as well be Dweck. As far as I'm concerned this is just FourPlay. Somebody needs to bring on the real match because these gals... they ain't it. They are no match for Smith... no match for me.. certainly not with the Lord on my side. But to be honest I'd just as well the big man gets a day of rest because I got this.
Pastor Phillip: The Lord is always watching..
Steven Osbourne: He's gonna be bored because the outcome this match is never going to be in doubt. Let's be real I could spend the whole match outside of the ring handing out pamphlets for the next Church of the Unknown Saint gathering. And Smith would win the match on his own. That's how badly we outclass the competition. I'm not going to granted.. but I could. This is gonna be a bigger slaughter then God versus Darwin! Then Adam versus Eve Then David versus Goliath. But this time.. Smith and I are going to be win. Because duh... we are the only real talent in this match.
Pastor Phillip: You think this execution of your opponents might convince Smith to join the church? We could use a world champion...
Steven Osbourne: If not.. I'll get you that world title myself sooner rather then later. Smith and I don't like each other. But teamwork is literally the only advantage our opponents have. Talent trumps teamwork. If Smith and I actually fought during the match the winner of the fight would still take out their two opponents. That's how much better we are then them. Need I say anymore? I mean how many ways can I say Kylie and Lili have no skills.. no game.. and no chance against the Oz man and Mister Jones. We aren't Alex Scott. And to be frank they didn't have a chance against him either. They are the type of opponents who could have been put in that Allen Anderson gauntlet match... if they actually wanted Allen to win. I'm sorry... that's untrue... they probably beat Anderson. But the fact I just said probably means they definitely aren't beating me and Smith. No way.. no how. They don't have a prayer.
Pastor Phillip: When they are on their knees.. they don't pray babygurl.
Steven Osbourne: Maybe they will after this. After they see the power of what a Christian soldier like myself can do! As far as I’m concerned this is gonna be so easy it’s just gonna be a boregasm for me. No challenge at all. Kylie Moore has spent the better part of ten years milking her whole lesbian shtick but yet all they really have to show it is a few tag titles in feds no one cares about. That's what this comes down to. Lesbian Alliance.. Fourgasm.. they could be Foursterbation and nobody would care about that either! They belong in a strip club not a wrestling ring. And strip clubs are a sin against God. So I'm going to treat it as such and give them the just punishment they deserve. Tonight T and A is going to sent for Torture and Annihilation. I think that Kylie Moore runs Trinity Wrestling. Well I'm fixing to beat her and her partner so badly she retires from the sport. Once again. And nobody notices.. once again. Then maybe she turns Trinity Wrestling over to the church of the Unknown Saint. We can rename it.. Holy Trinity Wrestling. The father, the son, and the spirit.. none of them are much worried about the self proclaimed legendary Fourgasm. To be frank either am I.
Steven grins.
Steven Osbourne: So.. are you satisfied?
Pastor Phillip: More then satisfied. I'm positive you will honour the Church of the Unknown Saint with your destruction of those two lost lambs to the slaughter. I'm not even going to say their sinful names but they should be ashamed.
Steven Osbourne: I'll make them ashamed to be wrestlers this week.
Pastor Phillip: That will have to be good enough. Now you may return to the holy hot dog cart. After a 15 minute prayer of thankfulness of course.
Steven Osbourne: Can I make it twenty? I have a lot to be thankful for.. for instance.. I wasn't born a member of Fourgasm.. nor hooked up with a member of that group during my days of sin.
The pastor slickly puts his hand on Steven's shoulder
Pastor Phillip: You are going to be our finest disciple. You will do much for the church of the unknown Saint. You may pray as much as you desire. Peace be with you babygurl..
Steven drops to his knees, eyes closed hands folded in prayer. The pastor watches for a minute, a sly smile on his face. Then he walks away. That's when the rental car from earlier speeds up.. the passenger door opening knocking down Osbourne. Veronica Anderson jumps from the car.. helping to his feet.
Veronica Anderson: This is going to hurt me far more then it hurts you.
Steven Osbourne: You aren't going to circumcise me are you?
Veronica Anderson: Much worse. I'm going to break your brain washing the only way I can think of. The only way that can get the old Osbourne back.
Steven Osbourne: But.. we aren't even married!
Veronica Anderson: EWWWW.. no.. just no. And we never will be! That's the scariest thing I've ever thought of though. Thank you for that.
Steven Osbourne: HELP! HELP! SHE WANTS TO HAVE PRE MARTIAL SEX WITH ME! HELP!
The Pastor and Danielle rush towards the car only for Veronica to push Steven into the passenger's seat then take off Steven's screams trailing off into the night. Meanwhile two guys eating hot dogs have witnessed the scene.
Guy 1: What was that guy hollering about? I had way more sex before I got married.
Guy 2: I dunno. Them bible thumpers is crazy.
