Post by Steven Osbourne on Aug 18, 2019 19:42:32 GMT -5
Danielle and her pastor beam from the front of the pulpit. Behind them a banner hangs proclaiming this place to be "The Church of the Unknown Saint" The infamous song "Rapping for Jesus" plays. The congregation of about 100 people seem to like it. No accounting for taste. Steven Osbourne walks in holding the Junior Heavyweight Championship in front of him like an offering. Veronica Anderson and Amber Del Vallee creep in behind Osbourne sliding into the last row of seats..
ADV: I thought you said you didn't want to come.
Veronica hisses at Amber to lower her voice.
Anderson: I don't want to come. But Steven donated his entire bonus for winning the Junior Heavyweight Title. Nothing comes between me and my cut of the profits. Someone's gotta go.
ADV: Is it me?
Anderson: No.. for once. I'm talking about this scam of a church.
ADV: Like I could go undercover as a nun.
Anderson: Nobody would believe that. Now quiet down and listen..
Steven is now at the front of church talking with the Pastor and Danielle.
Pastor: I appreciate your generous donation to the church brother Steven.
Osbourne: The Lord spoke to me and told me a love offering was a good idea after I won that Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Danielle: I told you bringing him in was a good idea.
Pastor: Now now.. Sister Danielle.. don't be prideful.
Danielle: Yes Pastor.
The pastor begins to speak up in his best southern preacher voice!
Pastor: NOW BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE FAITH BROTHER STEVEN HAS BROUGHT US A SPECIAL GIFT.. HE HAS DELIVERED UNTO US.. THE UPW JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! BUT THE UPW IS A SINFUL.. EVIL PLACE. SO WE ARE HERE TO PURIFY THE CHAMPION! BAPTIST IT IN THE NAME OF THE LORD! Would you like to do the honours Steven?
Osbourne: It would be my honour Pastor Phillip.
Steven holds the championship up. Danielle and Steven begin to speak in tongues as the Pastor says a prayer before plunging it into what appears to be a metal wash tub filled with water...
Osbourne: Behold my people... gone is the UPW Junior Heavyweight Championship! From now on.. it is the BLESSED UPW Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Anderson: This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
ADV: Yeah but they like totally cleaned the title. Maybe it needed a bath.
Anderson: Amber.. you've giving them too much credit.
The service continues.. for like 4 hours. We skip over this. Thank me later. It concludes with Steven saying his farewells to the pastor and his disciple.
Pastor: You know Steven.. in this church it's not just God that's important but also his final.. forgotten prophet.
Danielle: He's the real leader of this church.
Pastor: Know your place babygurl.
Osbourne: Danielle's your daughter?
Pastor: No.. why would you think that?
Osbourne: I was simply going to congratulate you on raising such a fine, righteous young lady.
Pastor: That she is Brother Steven.
Steven walks out proudly holding the championship as he meets up with Veronica and Amber in the parking lot. He looks surprised.
Osbourne: Have you been saved ladies?
Anderson: That was weird
ADV: And creepy. Like totally creepy.
Anderson: When I agree with Amber.. that's frightening.
ADV: Like what are you talking about. We could be like sisters. I could braid your hair and..
Anderson: I will kill you.
ADV: Like.. nothing? Stevie baby.... you didn't even slap me on the butt?
Osbourne: A righteous man only uses his hands for praying.. not the sins of the flesh.
Anderson: New Osbourne.. is sort of boring.
ADV: Totally boring.
Osbourne: If being a man of God is boring.. I don't want to be exciting!
Anderson: We know.
Osbourne: How can you still be a non believer? God helped me overcome the demon that is Lucy Sixx!
ADV: He did?
Anderson: You would have won anyways. Do you think I manage losers? If I did I would have signed up to manage Fucking A or Nick Cannon or some shit.
Osbourne: Agree to disagree. I'll turn the other cheek once more but God is always watching Veronica.
Anderson: When I'm in the washroom.
Osbourne: That's disgusting. You need Jesus. I can help you. Jesus Christ is my
Anderson: Don't say it!
Amber actually does something useful.. probably accidentally and plays peacekeeper.
ADV: Like.. what about your match this week?
Osbourne: Champion versus champion against the Road Dawg. Newly christened Christian warrior against the Road Dawg. Well seasoned, well travelled, experienced veteran. He's actually proud of spending his life bouncing from promotion to promotion. He doesn't realize that that just means he was never good enough for them to truly care if he stuck around.
Osbourne: Road Dawg.. I can offer you a home in the Church of the Unknown Saint. You would be wise to accept my offer. Because you aren't going to like the other option.
Steven cracks his knuckles.
Osbourne: The first option I make you clean by joining the light. The second one.. I cleanse you of your sins through what we enlightened ones call a baptism of blood. See.. it was easy to cleanse my title belt. It's just an object.. it's not truly guilty. Only the tainted people who contacted it where. But you're a biker who's proud of being a road dawg. That means you probably take the mantra of gas, grass, or ass nobody rides for free literally. You've banged more groupies then...
Anderson: Arg.. you hypocrite.. are you even..
Veronica storms off, unable to listen to anymore of Steven's bullshit. Steven continues.. oblivious.
Osbourne: The bottom line is you represent North America as the North American Champion. And you do it poorly! North America should be embarrassed to have the likes of you as it's champion. So I'm going to show North America the light. I am going to lead them on the lead of everlasting life. I'm going to lead them by example by showing what happens to sinners. I'm going to do this by destroying the Road Dawg. You have been on quite the winning streak. But so have I. One of these winning streaks are about to end. I'll give you a hint.. it's not the winning steak of the super pious prayer slayer!
Osbourne: Repent and we can have a respectful match of Christian athletes. May the best men win. Which will still be me. But at least you'll have your pride. Refuse and you will be destroyed Road Dawg. I will not come in like a lamb. I will devour you like a lion instead. Every week you talk about the stupidity of management. Well you should really hate them now. For putting you against me. Because this is the exodus of your career. Our match this week could be your final revelation Road Dawg. Those are books of the bible. In case you didn't know. Because I think you're stupid Road Dawg. I'm also not impressed with your wrestling ability. Prove me wrong.. take the deal. Or give me the chance to show what a warrior of the Lord can truly accomplish. Either way... it's a win for me. Through God and Steven Osbourne all things are possible. Except for a win for you Road Dawg. Your defeat is written in the stars.
ADV: I used to like to look at the stars after we made
Osbourne: Silence! Harlot!
Fade to Black
ADV: I thought you said you didn't want to come.
Veronica hisses at Amber to lower her voice.
Anderson: I don't want to come. But Steven donated his entire bonus for winning the Junior Heavyweight Title. Nothing comes between me and my cut of the profits. Someone's gotta go.
ADV: Is it me?
Anderson: No.. for once. I'm talking about this scam of a church.
ADV: Like I could go undercover as a nun.
Anderson: Nobody would believe that. Now quiet down and listen..
Steven is now at the front of church talking with the Pastor and Danielle.
Pastor: I appreciate your generous donation to the church brother Steven.
Osbourne: The Lord spoke to me and told me a love offering was a good idea after I won that Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Danielle: I told you bringing him in was a good idea.
Pastor: Now now.. Sister Danielle.. don't be prideful.
Danielle: Yes Pastor.
The pastor begins to speak up in his best southern preacher voice!
Pastor: NOW BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE FAITH BROTHER STEVEN HAS BROUGHT US A SPECIAL GIFT.. HE HAS DELIVERED UNTO US.. THE UPW JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! BUT THE UPW IS A SINFUL.. EVIL PLACE. SO WE ARE HERE TO PURIFY THE CHAMPION! BAPTIST IT IN THE NAME OF THE LORD! Would you like to do the honours Steven?
Osbourne: It would be my honour Pastor Phillip.
Steven holds the championship up. Danielle and Steven begin to speak in tongues as the Pastor says a prayer before plunging it into what appears to be a metal wash tub filled with water...
Osbourne: Behold my people... gone is the UPW Junior Heavyweight Championship! From now on.. it is the BLESSED UPW Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Anderson: This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
ADV: Yeah but they like totally cleaned the title. Maybe it needed a bath.
Anderson: Amber.. you've giving them too much credit.
The service continues.. for like 4 hours. We skip over this. Thank me later. It concludes with Steven saying his farewells to the pastor and his disciple.
Pastor: You know Steven.. in this church it's not just God that's important but also his final.. forgotten prophet.
Danielle: He's the real leader of this church.
Pastor: Know your place babygurl.
Osbourne: Danielle's your daughter?
Pastor: No.. why would you think that?
Osbourne: I was simply going to congratulate you on raising such a fine, righteous young lady.
Pastor: That she is Brother Steven.
Steven walks out proudly holding the championship as he meets up with Veronica and Amber in the parking lot. He looks surprised.
Osbourne: Have you been saved ladies?
Anderson: That was weird
ADV: And creepy. Like totally creepy.
Anderson: When I agree with Amber.. that's frightening.
ADV: Like what are you talking about. We could be like sisters. I could braid your hair and..
Anderson: I will kill you.
ADV: Like.. nothing? Stevie baby.... you didn't even slap me on the butt?
Osbourne: A righteous man only uses his hands for praying.. not the sins of the flesh.
Anderson: New Osbourne.. is sort of boring.
ADV: Totally boring.
Osbourne: If being a man of God is boring.. I don't want to be exciting!
Anderson: We know.
Osbourne: How can you still be a non believer? God helped me overcome the demon that is Lucy Sixx!
ADV: He did?
Anderson: You would have won anyways. Do you think I manage losers? If I did I would have signed up to manage Fucking A or Nick Cannon or some shit.
Osbourne: Agree to disagree. I'll turn the other cheek once more but God is always watching Veronica.
Anderson: When I'm in the washroom.
Osbourne: That's disgusting. You need Jesus. I can help you. Jesus Christ is my
Anderson: Don't say it!
Amber actually does something useful.. probably accidentally and plays peacekeeper.
ADV: Like.. what about your match this week?
Osbourne: Champion versus champion against the Road Dawg. Newly christened Christian warrior against the Road Dawg. Well seasoned, well travelled, experienced veteran. He's actually proud of spending his life bouncing from promotion to promotion. He doesn't realize that that just means he was never good enough for them to truly care if he stuck around.
Osbourne: Road Dawg.. I can offer you a home in the Church of the Unknown Saint. You would be wise to accept my offer. Because you aren't going to like the other option.
Steven cracks his knuckles.
Osbourne: The first option I make you clean by joining the light. The second one.. I cleanse you of your sins through what we enlightened ones call a baptism of blood. See.. it was easy to cleanse my title belt. It's just an object.. it's not truly guilty. Only the tainted people who contacted it where. But you're a biker who's proud of being a road dawg. That means you probably take the mantra of gas, grass, or ass nobody rides for free literally. You've banged more groupies then...
Anderson: Arg.. you hypocrite.. are you even..
Veronica storms off, unable to listen to anymore of Steven's bullshit. Steven continues.. oblivious.
Osbourne: The bottom line is you represent North America as the North American Champion. And you do it poorly! North America should be embarrassed to have the likes of you as it's champion. So I'm going to show North America the light. I am going to lead them on the lead of everlasting life. I'm going to lead them by example by showing what happens to sinners. I'm going to do this by destroying the Road Dawg. You have been on quite the winning streak. But so have I. One of these winning streaks are about to end. I'll give you a hint.. it's not the winning steak of the super pious prayer slayer!
Osbourne: Repent and we can have a respectful match of Christian athletes. May the best men win. Which will still be me. But at least you'll have your pride. Refuse and you will be destroyed Road Dawg. I will not come in like a lamb. I will devour you like a lion instead. Every week you talk about the stupidity of management. Well you should really hate them now. For putting you against me. Because this is the exodus of your career. Our match this week could be your final revelation Road Dawg. Those are books of the bible. In case you didn't know. Because I think you're stupid Road Dawg. I'm also not impressed with your wrestling ability. Prove me wrong.. take the deal. Or give me the chance to show what a warrior of the Lord can truly accomplish. Either way... it's a win for me. Through God and Steven Osbourne all things are possible. Except for a win for you Road Dawg. Your defeat is written in the stars.
ADV: I used to like to look at the stars after we made
Osbourne: Silence! Harlot!
Fade to Black
