Sometimes you Don't Get What You Expect.
Jun 30, 2019 17:28:47 GMT -5
BonnieBlue, Braxton Locus, and 2 more like this
Post by Steven Osbourne on Jun 30, 2019 17:28:47 GMT -5
Veronica Anderson: Steven Osbourne provides his own voiceover. Is it really surprising with the ego on this guy. But I re edited the promo and provided this little mini voice over. Ten bucks say he doesn't notice. I LOVE STEVENS MONSTER COCK!
The last words are obviously in a different voice. Quite similar to the voice you are now hearing.
Everywhere the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer goes he is mobbed by his fans. Back in the day I thought only about the local hotties. The beautiful ladies. The men? I thought of them as the competition. But the super sexy boogeyman slayer. He can't be everywhere all at once. I mean I'm talented. But even I'm not that talented. Everyone deserves a little of the Oz magic even if I'm not the one there to give it to em. So I figured I'd hook you modern day gentleman up with a little wisdom from the Don of Double Penetration. This is Danielle.
Think Britney Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time Era. Okay she's not really that attractive but it's Osbourne you know his tendency to embellish things.
Smoking hot, right? Now I know you are all asking me? How do you get a woman like that? It's simple. You put in the work! People tell you she's out of your league. You laugh at those people. They ain't playing the same game as you. But for me to close the deal I had to make a sacrifice. I had to agree to go to church with her.
Laughter is heard.
I know, right? You probably think I'm expecting to burst into flames the minute I step through those doors. But if I'm being serious I had nothing but good memories at church. Even though I haven't been since I was 15 years old. They perma banned me after I stole a bottle of wine and hook up with Suzie Simpson under the organ. In my defence she moaned a lot louder then I expected. I thought the organ would cover up our dirty deed. Ah well live and learn. Anyhow.. it's important to Danielle that she gets her pastor's approval of any man she dates. So of course I'm going to bring the charm and win the girl. I'm Steven Osbourne.. that's what I do. So watch and learn fans.. class is in session.
So that's how we get Steven Osbourne in the front row at a church somehow, holding hands with a beautiful lady in a modest flowered dress. A church dress. Steven for his part is wearing the pink tux he seems to favour. Although he jazzed it up with a pink bow tie today. You know because he's in church.
Danielle: You are going to love my Pastor! He is so visionary.
Steven Osbourne: I see two things in front of me I love right now!
Danielle: Is it the cross and the gold plated bible?
Steven Osbourne: Umm.. yeah let's go with that.
Danielle: I love it when you talk religion with me!
Steven Osbourne: The good book does say to be fruitful and multiply.
Danielle: I do love a man who knows his bible.
Steven Osbourne: I'm gonna show you the missionary position.
Danielle: I've already been in many missionary positions. Like the time we built that school in
Steven Osbourne: Not like this missionary position trust me.
Things are going well for Steven. Until the preacher begins to speak.
Pastor: I notice Danielle and her new friend in the front row but there aren't too many other young faces.
Sure enough besides Steven and Danielle the average age of the congregation is probably about 80. The Pastor and his wife, who's at the organ may be the next youngest in their 60s.
Pastor: But I aim to change that with this brand new new fangled music video.
The crowd murmurs as an assistant wheels out one of those TVs on a cart you used to get in classrooms in the 90s. Like literally the same. The old 100 pound televisions. The pastor diddles with the DVD player, muttering to himself.
Pastor: It was so much easier when they had VCRS.
The poster finally fires up the video and..
Danielle beams as Steven stares open mouthed in shock.
Danielle: I told you he was brilliant!
Steven Osbourne: Hold on.. I feel moved.
Danielle: I knew this was a great idea!
Steven stands up.
Steven Osbourne: I feel moved to give a testimonial.
Pastor: Speak son.
Steven Osbourne: The lord is telling me.. he's not your... oh forget it. The lord is telling me.. to eliminate the competition!
Pastor: What's that son?
Steven grins a shit eating grin.
Steven Osbourne: I'll show you.
Steven rears back.. and boots the reverend right in the family jewels. Danielle screams.. Steven does a crotch chop as he struts his way down the aisle and out of the church... on the way out the two elderly ushers are discussing how that video was the stupidest damn thing they had ever seen. Steven exits the church and decides to hang out in the garden while he collects his thoughts.
Steven Osbourne: You know what the real lesson today was fans? You gotta have standards. At least some standards. I mean my standards aren't very high but it's possible to limbo under them. You gotta draw the line somewhere. Everyone thought Danielle was so hot there was no way I was gonna be the one walking away. But some things like saying Jesus is your BEEEP are just too much.
Yep.. Steven actually beeped that out. Apparently he really does have standards. Or maybe his manager made him.
Veronica Anderson: I would have censored it. But he actually did it himself. One of the first things he ever did I'm actually sort of impressed with actually.
Now that that's cleared up.
Steven Osbourne: People are gonna think that my match this week is gonna feature me trying to get with Sandy Coconutz. That could not be further then the truth. Trying to hook up with the Beach Krew's sloppy seconds. Oh hell no! That's WAY too far. Actually sloppy seconds might be even understatement. With the amount of members the Beach Krew has had over the years it might be considered sloppy seventy seconds. If you boldly go where the Beach Krew has gone before... it's your own fault if your dick falls off. Now I ain't judging Sandy for being a slut. I love sluts! Besides that I'm the biggest man whore alive! I won a contest to allow me the honour of officially saying that by the way. So the fact that Sandy has an active sex life isn't why I'm judging her. The fact that she's a hypocrite is.
Steven Osbourne: You market yourself as this feminist who believes that women are superior to men. Yet literally all you do is get drunk and fuck. Now no judgment there.. that sounds like my idea of a good evening. But if you're getting drunk and hooking up with horn dogs how actually are you better then them? You give them what they want then get hammered and cry that they don't love you. You literally do less for women's rights then Paris Hilton. You are actually so stupid you actually think you're proving a point. The only point you're making is for the other side! You literally know nothing about women's rights! People aren't laughing with you.. they are laughing at you! At least I have the decency to admit I'm a sleazebag.. I don't claim to be anything more then what I am. But you... you're a women's rights crusader!
Steven snorts.
Steven Osbourne: You're no more a women's right crusader then you are a real wrestler! The more we look at the person you are the more we realize what a garbage human being you are. But we don't even have to look hard at your wrestling skill to realize you're a garbage wrestler! That's just obvious! Shit even you know it. That's probably why you use a song by the Trashmen to come to the ring. Well birds the word all right.
Steven flips the middle finger.
Steven Osbourne: Fuck you Sandy Coconutz. Fuck you for putting a z on the end of your name for no fucking reason. But more importantly fuck you for spitting on my profession. Not everyone can fucking become a wrestler just because they want to. Being a Beach Krew groupie doesn't make you a real wrestler anymore then being a Def Leopard groupie makes you a rock star! Now don't be getting any ideas Sandy... even Def Leopard doesn't want you... not even the drummer with one arm! I don't want you either.. not outside of the ring. And more importantly not in it!
Steven pauses
Steven Osbourne: Do you remember Sandy used to be in the WCF for one hot minute? I only brought that up because literally no one remembers that! I was better remembered for being one half of the Cockblockers in the WCF with Jay Omega and I wasn't even a wrestler! Yep.. more people remember me not wrestling then your entire wrestling career! When I was in the WCF all Jay and I was show highlights. That's still a big step up from your wrestling career because it literally has NO highlights. I fucked Jared Holmes. That's it. That's your entire career recap. I never even wrestled in the WCF but I carried Jay Omega as a member of the Cock blockers. You couldn't even be carried by a team of multiple time world champions like the Beach Krew. That's actually an impressive amount of suck. It's also your only major accomplishment.
Steven holds up a finger.
Steven Osbourne: Wait.. that's unfair. Now you have a win over.. what's his name again? Some guy you said.. wasn't a big deal. You were right about that. Since he couldn't get past an opponent who has absolutely zero actual wrestling moves. I'm not even joking about that. All you do is kick people then execute a drunkenrana which you execute so well it's clear you watched it on tv at least twice in order to get the technique down.
Steven chuckles.
Steven Osbourne: Oh wait.. you're a credible wrestler because you're a gymnast. Let me give you a word of advice. Having sex on a pommel horse.. that doesn't make you a gymnast. Trust me.. I tried making that claim too. But doubts you are anything other then a liar aside... let's give you the benefit of the doubt. Okay.. you're a gymnast. Let's make things interesting. You're a world class gymnast. If you haven't shown up to the trials hammered you would be an Olympic gold medalist gymnast. Let's say you're that good. Well? I'm still waiting to see how that helps you in pro wrestling. You're... like flexible and stuff? How exactly is that supposed to help you? You can do a cartwheel out of the way of some moves maybe. I'm still not seeing how this makes you a wrestler. You never thought anything through properly did you Sandy. This match is going to be a massacre. I'm the first ever junior heavyweight champion. You're the first person about to be the first person on the roster to try and sleep with an executive in hopes they release you. That doesn't seem very likely right?
Steven grins.
Steven Osbourne: Well that's not half as poorly thought out as your wrestling career either! You are not a real feminist.. you are certainly not a real wrestler. What exactly are you? You really need to put the bottle down Sandy and figure that out. Because making all your decisions while drunk has lead you to this. Getting completely destroyed at the hands of the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. Tell me you can stop this. Because we all know you can't. You have no experience in the ring so you have literally no strategy you can come up with to defeat me. It's debatable that you have one real wrestling move so you aren't going to outwrestle me.
Steven snaps his fingers.
Steven Osbourne: You can get fake nails and claw me in the eyes. Yes.. I actually came up with the best possible game plan you could have for winning this match. And I gave you the idea. Provided you even watch this which let's be real is highly unlikely. That would cut into your boozing and giving lectures that make women want to puncture their own eardrums time. Sandy Coconutz you are a waste of space both inside and outside of the ring. When I destroy you I will take away your platform. You will no longer to be able to go on television and make a jackass of yourself. You can thank me later. I know the rest of the world will. I would tell Lucy Sixx to watch this match as an example of what I'm going to do to her. But Lucy is a real wrestler. Somewhat. At least she's better then Sandy. So Lucy watch this week's match and see what I do to an incompetent chump who doesn't know how to fight back.
Steven shrugs.
Steven Osbourne: You can only work with the talent in front of you. Unfortunately Sandy is no talent at all. At anything. With the possible exception of drunk club dancing. So there.. I finally said something positive about you. It's important for you to remember that Sandy. If you can remember anything with the drunken state you're always in. Because that's the only silver lining for you this week. Everything else is going to end in the worst way possible for you. But it just gets worse. Because when this match is over.. no one is going to be surprised. Everyone knows this is exactly what happens when you put a wrestler in the ring with some joker who has no business in there. This isn't a me versus the beach krew thing. This isn't a male slut versus female slut thing. This is a you have no right impersonating a wrestler and I'm going to embarrass you thing. You seemingly spent your life talking out your ass with no real consequences. But when you step into the ring with no training and pretend to be a wrestler.. that... I take exception to. Some people say you can't fix stupid. Especially someone as stupid as you. But I disagree. There is one way to fix stupid. To put it down. That's actually what I'm doing this Monday. You know what the worse part is |Sandy? You're not even that hot. You're a 5 at best. And when the match is over.. you're gonna be down to a 3. Don't worry though.. they will be able to fix that broken nose. Just like I'll be able to fix that stupid idea you have that untrained hacks can be wrestlers.
Steven begins to walk away.. quickly as the reverend has grabbed a veil of holy water and is coming after him.
Steven Osbourne: It's just about time for me to go. With that guy holding the holy water Steven doesn't want to compete in a wet t shirt contest. I mean I'd win but with all the seniors in there what's the prize? But I know that Sandy has zero attention span so she probably skipped through of all of brilliant interview to the end. But I have a couple of ideas I want to make sure get through to her. First, I don't hate you because you're a slut. I hate you because you're a slut with no personal standards who thinks she's better then everyone else. Second and more importantly.. you belong in a ring as much as a drunken fan who jumps the railing. You are going to fare just about as well too. Perhaps this curb stomping will knock some sense into you. It's unlikely but stranger things have happened.
The last words are obviously in a different voice. Quite similar to the voice you are now hearing.
Everywhere the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer goes he is mobbed by his fans. Back in the day I thought only about the local hotties. The beautiful ladies. The men? I thought of them as the competition. But the super sexy boogeyman slayer. He can't be everywhere all at once. I mean I'm talented. But even I'm not that talented. Everyone deserves a little of the Oz magic even if I'm not the one there to give it to em. So I figured I'd hook you modern day gentleman up with a little wisdom from the Don of Double Penetration. This is Danielle.
Think Britney Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time Era. Okay she's not really that attractive but it's Osbourne you know his tendency to embellish things.
Smoking hot, right? Now I know you are all asking me? How do you get a woman like that? It's simple. You put in the work! People tell you she's out of your league. You laugh at those people. They ain't playing the same game as you. But for me to close the deal I had to make a sacrifice. I had to agree to go to church with her.
Laughter is heard.
I know, right? You probably think I'm expecting to burst into flames the minute I step through those doors. But if I'm being serious I had nothing but good memories at church. Even though I haven't been since I was 15 years old. They perma banned me after I stole a bottle of wine and hook up with Suzie Simpson under the organ. In my defence she moaned a lot louder then I expected. I thought the organ would cover up our dirty deed. Ah well live and learn. Anyhow.. it's important to Danielle that she gets her pastor's approval of any man she dates. So of course I'm going to bring the charm and win the girl. I'm Steven Osbourne.. that's what I do. So watch and learn fans.. class is in session.
So that's how we get Steven Osbourne in the front row at a church somehow, holding hands with a beautiful lady in a modest flowered dress. A church dress. Steven for his part is wearing the pink tux he seems to favour. Although he jazzed it up with a pink bow tie today. You know because he's in church.
Danielle: You are going to love my Pastor! He is so visionary.
Steven Osbourne: I see two things in front of me I love right now!
Danielle: Is it the cross and the gold plated bible?
Steven Osbourne: Umm.. yeah let's go with that.
Danielle: I love it when you talk religion with me!
Steven Osbourne: The good book does say to be fruitful and multiply.
Danielle: I do love a man who knows his bible.
Steven Osbourne: I'm gonna show you the missionary position.
Danielle: I've already been in many missionary positions. Like the time we built that school in
Steven Osbourne: Not like this missionary position trust me.
Things are going well for Steven. Until the preacher begins to speak.
Pastor: I notice Danielle and her new friend in the front row but there aren't too many other young faces.
Sure enough besides Steven and Danielle the average age of the congregation is probably about 80. The Pastor and his wife, who's at the organ may be the next youngest in their 60s.
Pastor: But I aim to change that with this brand new new fangled music video.
The crowd murmurs as an assistant wheels out one of those TVs on a cart you used to get in classrooms in the 90s. Like literally the same. The old 100 pound televisions. The pastor diddles with the DVD player, muttering to himself.
Pastor: It was so much easier when they had VCRS.
The poster finally fires up the video and..
Danielle beams as Steven stares open mouthed in shock.
Danielle: I told you he was brilliant!
Steven Osbourne: Hold on.. I feel moved.
Danielle: I knew this was a great idea!
Steven stands up.
Steven Osbourne: I feel moved to give a testimonial.
Pastor: Speak son.
Steven Osbourne: The lord is telling me.. he's not your... oh forget it. The lord is telling me.. to eliminate the competition!
Pastor: What's that son?
Steven grins a shit eating grin.
Steven Osbourne: I'll show you.
Steven rears back.. and boots the reverend right in the family jewels. Danielle screams.. Steven does a crotch chop as he struts his way down the aisle and out of the church... on the way out the two elderly ushers are discussing how that video was the stupidest damn thing they had ever seen. Steven exits the church and decides to hang out in the garden while he collects his thoughts.
Steven Osbourne: You know what the real lesson today was fans? You gotta have standards. At least some standards. I mean my standards aren't very high but it's possible to limbo under them. You gotta draw the line somewhere. Everyone thought Danielle was so hot there was no way I was gonna be the one walking away. But some things like saying Jesus is your BEEEP are just too much.
Yep.. Steven actually beeped that out. Apparently he really does have standards. Or maybe his manager made him.
Veronica Anderson: I would have censored it. But he actually did it himself. One of the first things he ever did I'm actually sort of impressed with actually.
Now that that's cleared up.
Steven Osbourne: People are gonna think that my match this week is gonna feature me trying to get with Sandy Coconutz. That could not be further then the truth. Trying to hook up with the Beach Krew's sloppy seconds. Oh hell no! That's WAY too far. Actually sloppy seconds might be even understatement. With the amount of members the Beach Krew has had over the years it might be considered sloppy seventy seconds. If you boldly go where the Beach Krew has gone before... it's your own fault if your dick falls off. Now I ain't judging Sandy for being a slut. I love sluts! Besides that I'm the biggest man whore alive! I won a contest to allow me the honour of officially saying that by the way. So the fact that Sandy has an active sex life isn't why I'm judging her. The fact that she's a hypocrite is.
Steven Osbourne: You market yourself as this feminist who believes that women are superior to men. Yet literally all you do is get drunk and fuck. Now no judgment there.. that sounds like my idea of a good evening. But if you're getting drunk and hooking up with horn dogs how actually are you better then them? You give them what they want then get hammered and cry that they don't love you. You literally do less for women's rights then Paris Hilton. You are actually so stupid you actually think you're proving a point. The only point you're making is for the other side! You literally know nothing about women's rights! People aren't laughing with you.. they are laughing at you! At least I have the decency to admit I'm a sleazebag.. I don't claim to be anything more then what I am. But you... you're a women's rights crusader!
Steven snorts.
Steven Osbourne: You're no more a women's right crusader then you are a real wrestler! The more we look at the person you are the more we realize what a garbage human being you are. But we don't even have to look hard at your wrestling skill to realize you're a garbage wrestler! That's just obvious! Shit even you know it. That's probably why you use a song by the Trashmen to come to the ring. Well birds the word all right.
Steven flips the middle finger.
Steven Osbourne: Fuck you Sandy Coconutz. Fuck you for putting a z on the end of your name for no fucking reason. But more importantly fuck you for spitting on my profession. Not everyone can fucking become a wrestler just because they want to. Being a Beach Krew groupie doesn't make you a real wrestler anymore then being a Def Leopard groupie makes you a rock star! Now don't be getting any ideas Sandy... even Def Leopard doesn't want you... not even the drummer with one arm! I don't want you either.. not outside of the ring. And more importantly not in it!
Steven pauses
Steven Osbourne: Do you remember Sandy used to be in the WCF for one hot minute? I only brought that up because literally no one remembers that! I was better remembered for being one half of the Cockblockers in the WCF with Jay Omega and I wasn't even a wrestler! Yep.. more people remember me not wrestling then your entire wrestling career! When I was in the WCF all Jay and I was show highlights. That's still a big step up from your wrestling career because it literally has NO highlights. I fucked Jared Holmes. That's it. That's your entire career recap. I never even wrestled in the WCF but I carried Jay Omega as a member of the Cock blockers. You couldn't even be carried by a team of multiple time world champions like the Beach Krew. That's actually an impressive amount of suck. It's also your only major accomplishment.
Steven holds up a finger.
Steven Osbourne: Wait.. that's unfair. Now you have a win over.. what's his name again? Some guy you said.. wasn't a big deal. You were right about that. Since he couldn't get past an opponent who has absolutely zero actual wrestling moves. I'm not even joking about that. All you do is kick people then execute a drunkenrana which you execute so well it's clear you watched it on tv at least twice in order to get the technique down.
Steven chuckles.
Steven Osbourne: Oh wait.. you're a credible wrestler because you're a gymnast. Let me give you a word of advice. Having sex on a pommel horse.. that doesn't make you a gymnast. Trust me.. I tried making that claim too. But doubts you are anything other then a liar aside... let's give you the benefit of the doubt. Okay.. you're a gymnast. Let's make things interesting. You're a world class gymnast. If you haven't shown up to the trials hammered you would be an Olympic gold medalist gymnast. Let's say you're that good. Well? I'm still waiting to see how that helps you in pro wrestling. You're... like flexible and stuff? How exactly is that supposed to help you? You can do a cartwheel out of the way of some moves maybe. I'm still not seeing how this makes you a wrestler. You never thought anything through properly did you Sandy. This match is going to be a massacre. I'm the first ever junior heavyweight champion. You're the first person about to be the first person on the roster to try and sleep with an executive in hopes they release you. That doesn't seem very likely right?
Steven grins.
Steven Osbourne: Well that's not half as poorly thought out as your wrestling career either! You are not a real feminist.. you are certainly not a real wrestler. What exactly are you? You really need to put the bottle down Sandy and figure that out. Because making all your decisions while drunk has lead you to this. Getting completely destroyed at the hands of the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. Tell me you can stop this. Because we all know you can't. You have no experience in the ring so you have literally no strategy you can come up with to defeat me. It's debatable that you have one real wrestling move so you aren't going to outwrestle me.
Steven snaps his fingers.
Steven Osbourne: You can get fake nails and claw me in the eyes. Yes.. I actually came up with the best possible game plan you could have for winning this match. And I gave you the idea. Provided you even watch this which let's be real is highly unlikely. That would cut into your boozing and giving lectures that make women want to puncture their own eardrums time. Sandy Coconutz you are a waste of space both inside and outside of the ring. When I destroy you I will take away your platform. You will no longer to be able to go on television and make a jackass of yourself. You can thank me later. I know the rest of the world will. I would tell Lucy Sixx to watch this match as an example of what I'm going to do to her. But Lucy is a real wrestler. Somewhat. At least she's better then Sandy. So Lucy watch this week's match and see what I do to an incompetent chump who doesn't know how to fight back.
Steven shrugs.
Steven Osbourne: You can only work with the talent in front of you. Unfortunately Sandy is no talent at all. At anything. With the possible exception of drunk club dancing. So there.. I finally said something positive about you. It's important for you to remember that Sandy. If you can remember anything with the drunken state you're always in. Because that's the only silver lining for you this week. Everything else is going to end in the worst way possible for you. But it just gets worse. Because when this match is over.. no one is going to be surprised. Everyone knows this is exactly what happens when you put a wrestler in the ring with some joker who has no business in there. This isn't a me versus the beach krew thing. This isn't a male slut versus female slut thing. This is a you have no right impersonating a wrestler and I'm going to embarrass you thing. You seemingly spent your life talking out your ass with no real consequences. But when you step into the ring with no training and pretend to be a wrestler.. that... I take exception to. Some people say you can't fix stupid. Especially someone as stupid as you. But I disagree. There is one way to fix stupid. To put it down. That's actually what I'm doing this Monday. You know what the worse part is |Sandy? You're not even that hot. You're a 5 at best. And when the match is over.. you're gonna be down to a 3. Don't worry though.. they will be able to fix that broken nose. Just like I'll be able to fix that stupid idea you have that untrained hacks can be wrestlers.
Steven begins to walk away.. quickly as the reverend has grabbed a veil of holy water and is coming after him.
Steven Osbourne: It's just about time for me to go. With that guy holding the holy water Steven doesn't want to compete in a wet t shirt contest. I mean I'd win but with all the seniors in there what's the prize? But I know that Sandy has zero attention span so she probably skipped through of all of brilliant interview to the end. But I have a couple of ideas I want to make sure get through to her. First, I don't hate you because you're a slut. I hate you because you're a slut with no personal standards who thinks she's better then everyone else. Second and more importantly.. you belong in a ring as much as a drunken fan who jumps the railing. You are going to fare just about as well too. Perhaps this curb stomping will knock some sense into you. It's unlikely but stranger things have happened.
