Post by Johnny Legend on Oct 4, 2020 11:06:52 GMT -5
The scene opens up to the saucy beaches of Miami, Florida. A nice eighty-five degrees out, along with a cool breeze from the ocean. We find Johnny Legend, wearing some very tight khaki shorts, flip-flops, and a yellowish-red Hawaiian shirt with purple flowers across it... Ugly. The breeze blows up his shirt, as Johnny Legend starts to dance really badly on the beach; with a coconut cup to hold his booze in. The mighty waves crash onto the beach, while people enjoy a day out in this sweaty ball state. Yes. Johnny Legend only has one nut. He lost one running up a wet slide in Kindergarten.. Blood everywhere. Horrible experience to reach down and feel a shatter nut.
...
I'm getting off-topic. Let's get back to Johnny dancing on the beach, shall we?
"Ha, cha-cha cha." Johnny sways his hips in a circularly motion, as he walks along the beach.
Johnny stops at the edge where the water is fighting the dry sand, and enjoys the view of the ocean while sipping from his coconut.
"Life is good."
Johnny turns to the camera, "Oh, hey." He takes one more sip, "How you doing, Alpha Pro?"
"I see that you're down. Down in talent. Down in ratings. Down in toilet paper. All across the board. You're down."
Johnny smiles, "And now you want good ole' Johnny Legend to bail you guys out, eh?"
A chuckle escapes him, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." He takes one more sip and tosses the coconut into the water.
"You see, there is no helping Alpha Pro Wrestling. The people that DO want to help... Well.. Let's just say Sisyphus had an easier time with that rock than Alpha Pro will have staying open in the next year. This place is doomed. Doomed like so many other federations out there."
"My opponent knows this. He and I are from one of those federations. Well... Were from. I don't know about DVD, but I wouldn't waste my time going back to that place. At least here you have a solid foundation to work with. Not some gravel packed upon sand. This place could be GREAT!"
"Yet.."
Johnny claps his hands together and stares into the camera, with the wind blowing his Hawaiian shirt open to reveal his beer gut.
"No one wants to do anything about it. America got himself kidnapped or whatever. Yeah, sure. I know that bit. It's basically a nice way of saying he doesn't want to be here anymore. My boy Andrew is already showing some cracks as I had to help his ass win."
Johnny taps the camera, "Wake up, people! Wake up! If you continue going down this road... Alpha Pro will be gone. And then where will you go? Action Wrestling!?"
He snickers, "Yeah.. They'll accept this crew. Then they'll keep them on the low card, fighting the same blockhead over and over again while the same boring emo/Gothic wearing suit and tie motherfucking superstars get their billionth push into the spotlight."
"No fun."
"At least here you had a nutjob American hold TWO belts with his troops. You won't see that in many federations. I tell you what."
"Come on, walk with me." Johnny waves to the camera crew to follow him down the beach.
"Since DVD will probably say he doesn't really know me, or that I was nothing in those federations we were in together. I'm just gonna rant on about bullshit.." Johnny stops, "Is that cool?" He asks the camera.
"Alright." Johnny starts to walk again, staying away from the wet sand as he strolls down the beach.
"Now, unlike my opponent.. I don't stick to one circle of douche-bags. I roam around, searching every douche-bag group and plant my seed in them. Watch. Watch as it grows until people start relating Legend with... Well.. With shit, probably." Johnny stops and sighs, "Look. I'm not that good." He shrugs.
"I'm just a guy that dips in and out every few years in this business. I'm also the guy that doesn't need to do all those little SKITS in between matches on whatever show they tossed me on. NOPE! Not needed with Johnny boy."
"..."
"And because I don't play well with others."
"..."
"ALRIGHT!"
"I'm just not that liked... Like... Anywhere."
"I'm the guy that comes in and does his job; job being these stupid fucking promos. Then I sick on my ass between matches and watch Cory Chase mommy porn... What's wrong with that?" Johnny raises his arms, trying to justify the cringe bullshit he just said.
"Look. It's not like I want to bang my real mother. I just find.. Wha.."
One of the camera crew motions to cut it off by slicing his throat with his thumb.
Johnny nods, understanding no one wants to hear that. "Ok. Uhm. DAVE! How you doing, buddy!? I haven't seen you... Since.. Well.. I don't really remember. We rarely had matches together. Probably because our group liked you better and gave you more chances than me because you're a piece of shit cock-sucking blockhead that likes to wax Nathan Gust's worm dick while reciting dumb fucking Dave Steel promos about his daughter getting kidnapped or whatever bulls...Bullsh.. BULLSHIT!" Johnny bends over, gasping for air, as his flabby stomach jiggles in the air.
He points up while still bent over, trying to catch his breath. "I... I.." Johnny coughs up, "I deserved better!"
Johnny regains himself, sweating from lack of oxygen. He stands up straight and utters, "SFT fucking sucks. And so does your legacy, DVD." Johnny points to himself, "MY LEGACY. I got what I got because I'm a motherfucking gangsta!"
"..."
Johnny mumbles under his breath, "And I picked the weakest times in any federation to win all my titles.."
Johnny raises the volume to eleven, "NO MATTER! OUCH." He holds his ear.
"I'M JUST GONNA YELL THE REST OF THIS PROMO BECAUSE MY EARS JUST POPPED AND NOW I'M HAVING HARD TIME HEARING.." Johnny wobbles, "AND NOW I'M HAVING A HARD TIME WALKING. IT'S ALRIGHT." He tries to stand in place, "I CAN HANDLE THIS DVD! JUST LIKE... wAH." Johnny stumbles to the ground and a massive wave crashes on the beach, before he knows it, Johnny is swept away into the ocean.
"I'M IN CONTROL OF THIS!" Johnny continues to scream as his voice gets weaker and weaker by the second.
"I'M GONNA WHOoooo.. " His voice fades away.
The camera crew looks at one another, while one asks, "We have boats out there for him, right?" They shrug as the scene fades to black.
THOUGHTS OF LEGEND
You ever wonder why so many wrestlers choose the Gothic gimmick?
You ever wonder why so many federations are mainly all white people?
You ever wonder why Johnny Legend is better than Shane Clemmens and that Shane is wasting his time with NATHAN AND FIGHT ME! HUH! HUH!? HE'S DEAD, SHANE!
Whatever. I have Dave Van Dam this Monday Night Metal... DAVE DAVE WHAT DO YOU SAY SAY?
Nothing!
He's gonna come in late like my sister on prom. Does that make sense? Did that sound dirty? That's my whole shtick ever since Andrew's father died, you know.
Anyways, Dave... I know you're out there. I can smell that blockhead scent of yours. You're hiding. I know it. You're hiding because you know you'll still beat me without huffing and puffing a ton of bullshit will get you a win. Yeah.. I know. This is why I'm better than you, Dave. Not because you can win in that ring. But becaus... Wait.. Shit. That was dumb to say.
Can I do that over again?
...
No?
FUCK!
Alright, look... I'm showing up at Metal. So... Watch out?
Ugh.
I gotta pay that graphics guy again to get that shit back. My promos are dying here!
