Post by 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐄 on Sept 14, 2020 23:28:27 GMT -5
INTRO: Alpha Pro Wrestling has been missing something for a LONG time now. Alpha Pro Wrestling needs a man who will STICK it to all those who oppose him and be the amazing light of the lord while he’s at it. That’s right boys and girls, he found Jesus. Alpha Pro Wrestling has been missing something/someone and it’s not that Chet ‘Murica guy and it’s not that John Dull Blade guy either. It’s not even the OTHER Murica guy. It’s not even, uhhh, whoever else IN this PLACE because we only paid attention to like three roster members. It’s DEATHMACHINE that Alpha Pro Wrestling has been missing ALL ALONG. Wowowowowow DEATHMACHINNEEEE. Yeah baby. He’s back. I’m going to go have a happy yank to celebrate, then I’ll be right back. DEATHMACHINE’S theme music, if it wasn’t the awesome title track from the movie RAD, would be kind of like the ‘60’s Batman theme song, but with like rock guitars. Then there would be like a duet between Bret Michaels AND Vince Neil. Seriously awesome, folks. On top of that, there would be like 40 hot babes making out at the same time. That’s like 20 hot makeout seshes to keep track of AND Bret Michaels and Vince Neil. Now you’re probably asking yourself, how is it possible that someone from Canada, then Mexico, and now ‘Merica could be so ridiculously stupendous. That answer is pretty easy actually - it’s the lack of accountability. DEATHMACHINE doesn’t put up with that responsibility shit AT ALL. None of it. All he does is 110% it all the way up and down the street. If something goes wrong, it’s not his fault. If something goes right, it’s ALL HIM. Even if he has to make shit up - STILL BADASS. Anyway, let's get you to the promo. It was going to be venue specific, but Alabama is just awful, so we’re going with something more mainstream.  SMASHCUT to a gym where DEATHMACHINE is training. Well, he’s not really training, he’s done training. We can tell he’s been working out due to how sweaty his tights are. Now he’s eating a delicious Subway sandwich. (This is where a Jared Fogle was made, but nobody knows about the guy anymore because of short attention spans, and due to Jared’s crimes and status as a fat fuck, we decided it was probably offensive so it has been omitted. Just know that it was hilarious and would have set fire to Twitter like it’s north west California.) DEATHMACHINE Haha! My joke about that Subway sandwich eating bitch was awesome. Oh man, I slay me. Suddenly DEATHMACHINE gets serious - he tosses the rest of the subway sandwich into the air and PUNTS it out of the ring. It’s a mess of the substance Subway calls ‘meat’, lettuce, rubbery cheese, and pickles flying everywhere. DEATHMACHINE points. DEATHMACHINE But I’ll tell you who ISN’T a joke and that’s Brother Zeke. Or. well wait, Maybe he IS a joke! But not the funny kind of joke. He’s the bad kind of joke, the one that makes you cry. Or something. I’m confused and scared right now. Someone out of view of the camera whispers some lines, the only bit that’s audible is ‘Brother Zeke’. DEATHMACHINE Brother Zeke is the joke, but he’s also not the joke. He’s a joke because he couldn’t win a wrestling match against a CORPSE, but he’s also NOT a joke because he’s not funny at all! Laughing at Brother Zeke is like laughing at, like, a handicapped person. Could you imagine pointing at someone in a wheelchair and being all ‘HEY, nice WHEELS!’ like he was actually driving a car? He ponders what’s been said. DEATHMACHINE Actually, that’s a pretty good joke. Nevermind that, that would be pretty funny. Brother Zeke is more like laughing at someone who has recently been hit by a car. Like you’d walk up to them and say ‘Oof, they don’t call that truck a RAM for nothing!’ because you know, a Dodge truck is called a Ram. Wait. That’s a good one too. No, it’s more like looking at a three legged cat and being all ‘Hey, are you a Tri-Pawed’? Haha get it, it’s like Tripod, but with Paw in there. He ponders that too. DEATHMACHINE Goddamnit! I’m hysterical and I keep fucking myself over. Brother Zeke is like laughing at someone who has recently gotten a nose job. You walk up to them and say something like ‘Nobody NOSE the trouble you’ve seen!’ Kneeslap. DEATHMACHINE gets quiet. He lets out a sigh and kicks the ring rope, then walks to the nearest corner and leans into it and shakes the ropes with both hands. DEATHMACHINE I low-key regret kicking that sandwich. I get hangry if I haven’t eaten in, like, recent history! AND on top of THAT, I can’t think of something that’s not funny to compare Brother Zeke to. It’s like, I’m too funny to not come up with something not funny. Or that’s a double negative. Or Zeke is a double negative. Something. Again, confused and scared. GOD. Both my might and sense of humor are fucking me over right now. No sandwich and nothing to compare Brother Zeke to. DEATHMACHINE chokes back a whine. DEATHMACHINE Ok, so Brother Zeke, you’re funny but not funny. Laughing at you is like laughing at your Mother for having had YOU. BOOM. I came through in the clutch. YEAH. Brother Zeke, you should be renamed Dumber Zeke because that’s what you are - DUMB. Not only that, but you’re on borrowed time and soon you’re going to have my big size fourteen right up your butt. I’m going to keep kicking until you see my boot tread coming out your mouth. Then and only then will I walk around with you on me like a leg warmer from the 1980s. Then the younger generation will see my sweet Brother Zeke leg warmer and they’ll all want one of their own. I’m a trendsetter, see. Everybody gonna wanna be ME. DEATHMACHINE. Nobody gonna wanna be YOU. Brother Zeke. There’s a reason why ZEKE rhymes with GEEK. I’m not really going to run with the Geek joke, but KNOW that I had the opportunity and passed on it. DEATHMACHINE nodes knowingly and imagines a world where people just bring him Subway sandwiches. Maybe hot babes who lack a sense of smell. That’d be dope. DEATHMACHINE Be prepared, Brother Zeke! We’re going to meet at METAL and I’m going to crush your whole body. THEN, once you're immobilized, I’m going to sit on your face and unleash the fury! Do you know what that MEANS? I’ll curl your TOES, boyo! Then they’ll call you Brother TWEAK because you’ll be tweaking out on the majesty of DEATHMACHINE and then you’ll become, like, one of my followers. That’ll be awesome. Yep. All because DEATHMACHINE sat on your face. I am that guy - the guy who could sit on another guy’s face. That’s because I’m in touch with my inner-WHATEVER. Allows me to be extra awesome. I won’t even get a boner - a semi AT MOST - but it wouldn’t be anything I’d actually ACT on. You UNDERSTAND ME BOY?! DEATHMACHINE staggers a little bit. DEATHMACHINE Monday Metal - My ass - Your Face. BEWARE. Also, I need something to eat right now or I’m going to pass out.END OUTRO: So there you have it. DEATHMACHINE is back and he’s better than ever. It’s too bad he wouldn’t listen when we said the whole section about him sitting on Zeke’s face should have been omitted, but whatever. No biggie. This is all part of a process and apparently the first step involves Zeke prying his face out of DEATHY’S asspipe.Things are about to get weird at APW.  |
