Post by Jason Ryan on Sept 2, 2020 15:15:34 GMT -5
A robotic voice greets the viewers
The following APW programming has been temporarily suspended. Welcome to Jason Ryan Enterprises
The screen shows Jason Ryan in his garage conducting an invisible symphony whilst singing some lyrics he made up on the fly
Have you ever met Jason Ryan, he has the biggest dick in the whole wide world-
Jason stops when he notices the camera
Oh hello! That was, that was a part of a song. That I’m writing. Anyway, welcome to the JRE that is Jason Ryan Enterprises, your one and only stop for your wrestling fix, I am your founder, chairman, CEO, the man who found God on Mt.Zion, Jason Ryan. And Wow! First real appearance in two months, I’m so freaking pumped! Also I’m in a very good mood because I got to watch the paperist of champions and poster child for safe sex and condoms, Zaigon “ I’m not Jason Ryan Lite” Carter lose the world title to his little pretentious flunkie. I sent that in to America’s Funniest Home Videos and they said they’ll be using that in a future episodes. Of course now we got to listen to a champion that drones on and on and on and doesn’t seem to notice everyone in the crowd is asleep or going to get some concessions or half the fans in attendance find themselves having to use the bathroom at the same time. But I’m not here to make fun of the Beavis and Butthead of APW, nor am I here to talk about Fatass McGee also known as Soul Reaver, which is just a stupid ass name and the other former member of Bloodline who never did jack nor shit while he was in the group despite get in my way and ruin all my plans with his stupidity. No, I’m here to hype my match with... hang on let me check my notes.
Jason stands up and leaves the frame. He comes back with a stack of papers and begins to look throw them
No....no....no
Jason throw paper after paper to reveal they’re just coloring pages of lions doing the nasty
Oh yes, Andrew Barns. Ooooohhhh boy. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure he wouldn’t want me to say this, but the truth must be told. So I get to the arena for my little segment, I say hi to everyone, I poured Zaigon’s coffee on his crotch, tryi to him his ball seeds grow then I popped America Jackson in the mouth then I put on a very entertaining striptease for everyone in catering, then I went to my locker room and caught Andrew Barns jacking off in the corner of my locker room to a picture I have in my locker room of a turtle. So there we were, making eye contact, I’m horrified then Andrew says something. It was a low whisper, I had to strain to hear it. But this man said “... are you my father? I’m ready to leave daycare, I’ve had a bad day. The kids at school called me trailer trash and I ran into the bathroom and cried for hours and hours. Now I’m ready to go to our rundown trailer in the second worst city to ever exist, Detroit, and let’s watch My Little Pony!”
Jason takes a drink out of a water bottle with a post-it note that reads “ I’ve been bad and my mom says I can’t have booze.”
Aright that was a bit below the belt, and I’m... 30 percent sorry for it. Andrew Barns, I know about you. I know you are one of the few people in Detroit to do something in their life that doesn’t involve cars, drugs or the professional Justin Bieber fan club, the Detroit Lions. I also know you have a rough backstory and I commend you for being able to rise above it. I respect you for being able to become a decent human being. And now, you’ve made it to APW, you deserve a sincere congratulations. And you have forged the start of a great career here in APW, the world is your oyster. But! There is one problem! You have to stand in the ring with The Patriarch of this new era. You stand in the ring with the man that brought APW from the dark ages of Stalin’s number one fan, Irina and the definition of subpar, Damon Warrens and the Emo Backstreet Boys! I am the man that put the final nail in the coffin of The Architects, right now those three are collecting welfare drugs, smoking meth and worshipping Satan while being careful not to wake up their parents! You, Andrew Barns have a very high mountain to climb. I am the man that had APW by the balls and crushed said nuts. I am the man that was the APW World Champion and the OPW Prestigious champion at the same time. I am the man that held the BPZ Global, Premium and Tag Team champions at the same time. I rewrote the book on professional wrestling. Every single federation I’ve been in, I’ve conquered. I am the Julius Caesar of Professional Wrestling. I wanted to go with a pornstar’s name instead of Caesar but they said no, I said they’re just jealous that I’m better looking, they told me to leave their house or they’ll call the cops, I tried to steal their food, they said I was insane, I tried stripping for them, they got a restraining order and that’s why me and APW creative cannot be within 200 feet of each other. So I went with Caesar. I am the GodT of Professional Wrestling. I’m not the God, I’m not the Great I Am, but great is what I am. Therefore I am the number one assistant to God, Aka GodT. Have to add the T or it doesn’t work.
Jason grabs some Fundip candy and opens it. He dumps it on the table and with his credit card forms it into a line. He grabs a Monopoly five hundred dollar bill and rolls it up. He looks at the camera
I’m not allowed to do cocaine anymore. My mom said so. But before I snort this, I need to make something very clear. You, Andrew Barns are in the way of me regaining what is mine. The World Heavyweight title. So I’ve no choice but to smoke your ass. We can go out for beers- I mean diet soda afterwards but quite frankly, come Monday Night Metal.... you picked the right day to get fucked up!
Jason snorts the Fundip powder through the fake currency and flips the table over. He then grabs a guitar and plays a song to close
On Monday Night Metal, this is what you’ll see!
12 Bitches lying
11 Jackoffs crying
10 Perculators a-percing
9 Silencers a-silencing
8 PTFOs a-FOing
7 Last shot’s a-shooting
6 kick to the balls a-balling
5 glorious seconds of the world chanting my name!
( Pauses for exactly 5 Seconds)
4 Pink Eyes
3 giants boots
imprinting themselves on your 2 chapped ass checks
and an ass kicking all over Isotopes Park!
Andrew Barns remember when you step in the ring with me you step in the ring with GodT! And you only spell GodT J-R-E! I’ll see you in the ring Dickwad!
The following APW programming has been temporarily suspended. Welcome to Jason Ryan Enterprises
The screen shows Jason Ryan in his garage conducting an invisible symphony whilst singing some lyrics he made up on the fly
Have you ever met Jason Ryan, he has the biggest dick in the whole wide world-
Jason stops when he notices the camera
Oh hello! That was, that was a part of a song. That I’m writing. Anyway, welcome to the JRE that is Jason Ryan Enterprises, your one and only stop for your wrestling fix, I am your founder, chairman, CEO, the man who found God on Mt.Zion, Jason Ryan. And Wow! First real appearance in two months, I’m so freaking pumped! Also I’m in a very good mood because I got to watch the paperist of champions and poster child for safe sex and condoms, Zaigon “ I’m not Jason Ryan Lite” Carter lose the world title to his little pretentious flunkie. I sent that in to America’s Funniest Home Videos and they said they’ll be using that in a future episodes. Of course now we got to listen to a champion that drones on and on and on and doesn’t seem to notice everyone in the crowd is asleep or going to get some concessions or half the fans in attendance find themselves having to use the bathroom at the same time. But I’m not here to make fun of the Beavis and Butthead of APW, nor am I here to talk about Fatass McGee also known as Soul Reaver, which is just a stupid ass name and the other former member of Bloodline who never did jack nor shit while he was in the group despite get in my way and ruin all my plans with his stupidity. No, I’m here to hype my match with... hang on let me check my notes.
Jason stands up and leaves the frame. He comes back with a stack of papers and begins to look throw them
No....no....no
Jason throw paper after paper to reveal they’re just coloring pages of lions doing the nasty
Oh yes, Andrew Barns. Ooooohhhh boy. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure he wouldn’t want me to say this, but the truth must be told. So I get to the arena for my little segment, I say hi to everyone, I poured Zaigon’s coffee on his crotch, tryi to him his ball seeds grow then I popped America Jackson in the mouth then I put on a very entertaining striptease for everyone in catering, then I went to my locker room and caught Andrew Barns jacking off in the corner of my locker room to a picture I have in my locker room of a turtle. So there we were, making eye contact, I’m horrified then Andrew says something. It was a low whisper, I had to strain to hear it. But this man said “... are you my father? I’m ready to leave daycare, I’ve had a bad day. The kids at school called me trailer trash and I ran into the bathroom and cried for hours and hours. Now I’m ready to go to our rundown trailer in the second worst city to ever exist, Detroit, and let’s watch My Little Pony!”
Jason takes a drink out of a water bottle with a post-it note that reads “ I’ve been bad and my mom says I can’t have booze.”
Aright that was a bit below the belt, and I’m... 30 percent sorry for it. Andrew Barns, I know about you. I know you are one of the few people in Detroit to do something in their life that doesn’t involve cars, drugs or the professional Justin Bieber fan club, the Detroit Lions. I also know you have a rough backstory and I commend you for being able to rise above it. I respect you for being able to become a decent human being. And now, you’ve made it to APW, you deserve a sincere congratulations. And you have forged the start of a great career here in APW, the world is your oyster. But! There is one problem! You have to stand in the ring with The Patriarch of this new era. You stand in the ring with the man that brought APW from the dark ages of Stalin’s number one fan, Irina and the definition of subpar, Damon Warrens and the Emo Backstreet Boys! I am the man that put the final nail in the coffin of The Architects, right now those three are collecting welfare drugs, smoking meth and worshipping Satan while being careful not to wake up their parents! You, Andrew Barns have a very high mountain to climb. I am the man that had APW by the balls and crushed said nuts. I am the man that was the APW World Champion and the OPW Prestigious champion at the same time. I am the man that held the BPZ Global, Premium and Tag Team champions at the same time. I rewrote the book on professional wrestling. Every single federation I’ve been in, I’ve conquered. I am the Julius Caesar of Professional Wrestling. I wanted to go with a pornstar’s name instead of Caesar but they said no, I said they’re just jealous that I’m better looking, they told me to leave their house or they’ll call the cops, I tried to steal their food, they said I was insane, I tried stripping for them, they got a restraining order and that’s why me and APW creative cannot be within 200 feet of each other. So I went with Caesar. I am the GodT of Professional Wrestling. I’m not the God, I’m not the Great I Am, but great is what I am. Therefore I am the number one assistant to God, Aka GodT. Have to add the T or it doesn’t work.
Jason grabs some Fundip candy and opens it. He dumps it on the table and with his credit card forms it into a line. He grabs a Monopoly five hundred dollar bill and rolls it up. He looks at the camera
I’m not allowed to do cocaine anymore. My mom said so. But before I snort this, I need to make something very clear. You, Andrew Barns are in the way of me regaining what is mine. The World Heavyweight title. So I’ve no choice but to smoke your ass. We can go out for beers- I mean diet soda afterwards but quite frankly, come Monday Night Metal.... you picked the right day to get fucked up!
Jason snorts the Fundip powder through the fake currency and flips the table over. He then grabs a guitar and plays a song to close
On Monday Night Metal, this is what you’ll see!
12 Bitches lying
11 Jackoffs crying
10 Perculators a-percing
9 Silencers a-silencing
8 PTFOs a-FOing
7 Last shot’s a-shooting
6 kick to the balls a-balling
5 glorious seconds of the world chanting my name!
( Pauses for exactly 5 Seconds)
4 Pink Eyes
3 giants boots
imprinting themselves on your 2 chapped ass checks
and an ass kicking all over Isotopes Park!
Andrew Barns remember when you step in the ring with me you step in the ring with GodT! And you only spell GodT J-R-E! I’ll see you in the ring Dickwad!
