Post by thedangster on Aug 15, 2020 17:47:31 GMT -5
Leaning over the sink, Tony Dang splashes cold water onto his face. He uses a hand towel to dry off his face before standing up and admiring himself in the mirror.
TD:: Bro, you got this. You’re Tony Fucking Dang. You’re the bee’s knees! There ain’t no one better than you. Fuck that Ballpark shit. You’re a Nathan’s hotdog, You’re the cream of the fucking crop, baby. Lets go, Brochacho!”
Tony exits the small bathroom he was in and enters the makeshift studio that has been set up in his hotel room. The APW crew is all here. We get the camera operator, sound guy and interviewer extraordinaire, Dani Applegate. Dani smiles at Tony and invites him to join her. After a quick check at the mirror, Tony pops the collar on his leather vest. He adds a pair of black sunglasses and runs a hand through his hair and then moves to his spot.
DA:: Ladies and gentlemen this week Alpha Pro Wrestling continues to invite wrestlers from all over the world to compete against some of APW’s finest. One of those wrestlers coming in is the man to my right, Tony Dang. Tony, welcome to APW!
TD:: I can, but first I just have to say that if the rest of APW looks like you then I am never gonna leave, You’re like a dollop of sour cream, baby. And Tony loves to smother sour cream all over his chimichanga.
No reaction from Dani, as Tony lowers his sunglasses and winks at her.
TD:: What? A guy can’t give a lady a compliment in this PC world we’re livin’ in? Of course not. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just stand here and pretend that you ain't a perfect ten! Where I come from there ain’t nothin’ wrong with paying a lady a compliment.
DA:: Tony, I’d rather just stick to business. That is why we are all here.
TD:: I get it. You’re a lesbian.
DA:: That isn’t what I’m saying. I get paid to interview wrestlers and I would like to do my job.
TD:: Okay. I get it darlin’. You’re not interested in The Dangster. It’s cool. You’re a little too old for me anyways.
Tony adjusts the single gold chain dangling from his neck.
TD::: But enough small talk. Let me answer your question. Who am I? Me? I’m Tony Fucking Dang. Can I curse? Doesn’t matter. You boys can bleep it out if. Can’t you? Fuck it. I am pretty new to the wrestling game. But not new to combat.I was the muscle for some very powerful people down in the 305. And for the uninitiated, that is Miami. For years my boss ran that town, and I was his right-hand man. I cracked skulls for a living. But he got pinched in an embezzlement scam. If the government is watching this then I want it on the record that I had no idea what he was doing. I was not involved and no I will not testify against Donny. Tony Dang ain't no snitch.
Her bewildered look tells us that Dani clearly wasn't expecting any of this.
DA:: So you've worked security. Any experience in the ring?
TD:: Dani, I have life experience. I wasn't just a security guard. I was the muscle. But I've also worked as a bartender. Do you have any idea how many fights I broke up with my patented Kung Fu?
DA:: I didn't realize you were trained in Kung Fu.
TD:: Not trained in the traditional sense. I watched a shit ton of Jackie Chan movies. I studied his weaknesses and then I came up with a better system. I call it Dang Fu. You better be careful or else I'll catch ya with one of these!
Tony lets out a "Hi-Yah!" as he karate chops the air in front of him.
DA:: This week you're going up against APWs biggest wrestler, Soul Reaver. He's seven foot five and weighs over five hundred pounds. Do you think Dang Fu is going to be enough?
Tony exaggerates a laugh. He doubles over and laughs with his hands on his knees. The laughing ends abruptly.
TD:: Please, Dani. I don't need Dang Fu to take out that fat ass. I know Soul Reaver. I've seen his shit. And Dani, it's just that. Shit. If I were that dudes size I would be world champion and undefeated. The women would be lined up at that door for a chance with a real man. The fellas would scatter like rats. I'd be the best in the world. I wouldn't even have to try. When you're that big it shouldn't take much more than showing up to win matches. He could just roll around the ring like a potato bug and his big ass would win by accident. When you're that big you have to try to lose. Dani when is the last time he won a match?"
DA:: I don't know off the top of my head.
TD:: The last time he won my Granny was still alive.
DA:: I'm sorry for your loss.
TD:: Don't be. She was a real see you next Tuesday. Plus she left me a shit ton of money. Dumb, bitch. But the truth is that Soul Reaver poses no threat to Tony Dang, None, Zip. Zero. Notta. This will be the easiest match I’ve ever had. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. This week I’m a lumberjack, baby. Knocking down a fucking redwood. I’m like Johnny Appleseed.
Dani looks as confused as the rest of us.
TD:: Johnny Appleseed? You’re mama neva taught you that store about Johnny Appleseed? The bro with the ax and the big blue horse. Ringing any bells?
DA:: Oh! You mean Paul Bunyan. He was the gian-
TD:: Same guy. One chopped down tress and the other planted them. Seemed a little counterproductive if you ask me. Thats why those kiddie stories are so dumb. My mom didn’t read me none of that shit. She read me the obits and the TV guide. Thats it. I’m fine. But now you got me all distracted. The point is that I am going to murder Soul Reaver on Monday night and thats the fact, Jack. Any more questions, darling?
Da:: I think that is plenty. Tony Dang is in APW. I’m sure someone is excited.
Tony strikes a fierce pose. The crew stops packing up and his shoots his shot one more time.
TD:: Look, i know you were playing hard to get for the cameras, But how about you and me meet in the lobby in 15 and see where the night takes us.
DA:: I’d rather leap off of this building.
TD:: It’s only two stories. You’ll be fine. How about after?
Dani and the crew quickly pack up the equipment and leave without saying another word to Tony.
TD:: Bitch.
Roll the credits.
