Post by Vonn Richter on Jul 26, 2020 20:46:46 GMT -5
A cheap Jim Johnston version of “Bulls on Parade” heralds the arrival of Vonn Richter’s latest persona. What will it be?! Stepping out from a crowd of masked protestors, he has on a beret, a tabard bearing the Anarchy symbol, and a paste-on goatee He begins screaming.
“I am ‘The Ghost of Tom Swoled’!!!”
He gestures to the scrum of young men and women behind him.
“And this is my movement: Antifat!!”
The Antifat-ers (Antifat-ites? Antifat-ies?) all nod and raise their right fists in unison.
“Now, I know a lot of you whiny baby safe space seeking snowflakes are probably pissed at this, because you think my movement is co-opting a legit political issue and using it for cheap points in a promo about body-shaming. Well, you’re only half right! Yes, Antifat is about stopping the drag chunkers, tubbos, and lardasses put on the body politic. For too long we have suffered under the oppressive burden of carrying these chode loads! The country has had enough. It is time America became a fat-free zone! Unless you got curves I mean. You thicc chicks keep on with it, assuming you do so and can maintain those hourglass proportions. I mean, yeah, I know you’re grieving right now Addy A but don’t use that as an excuse to scarf down too many of those truffles, ok? Want to keep yourself looking presentable for that eventual rebound, right?”
The ripped rabble-rouser waggles his eyebrows and makes the “Call Me” gesture with his thumb and pinky finger.
WTF is Tom doing? Is he flirting with Adelaide Ainsworth after warning her about becoming too, ah, robust while simultaneously pouring turpentine into the open wound gouged across her psyche by her boyfriend’s death? That’s just begging for a beaning courtesy of a claw hammer. Worse, it isn’t match relevant! It’s padding, and not the good kind that sees Tom risking certain death at the hands of one half of The Swallowing.
“So, yeah, those of you who can carry that weight get to stay. For the rest, Antifat has designed an ultimate solution: mandatory fat camps. It’s a harsh measure, but if America is willing to close up shop for six months to avoid a case of the super sniffles, we must be willing to concentrate the blob bodies into one spot where they can be taught the benefits of diet and exercise. Fuck Covid, obesity is the real pandemic crippling this country, and Antifat offers the cure.”
Tom pauses and straightens his tabard.
“Now, I told you pissbabies that Antifat was more than just an excuse to pile on those out there with BMI scores higher than the number of flavors advertised by Baskin Robbins, and that was the truth. Now I will reveal the other part of our agenda. See, this movement is concerned with trimming another kind of fat; the kind Alpha Pro Wrestling is currently sharpening its knives up for right now.”
Tom gestured for the camera to move closer. It zoomed in. He looked from side to side, as if he was concerned what he was saying may be overheard by the wrong parties. With his hand covering one side of his mouth he leans forward and stage whispers:
“I’m going to give you marks some official Alpha Pro backstage news. See, earlier in the week a chain email was sent out checking in on the wrestlers making up the roster. The office wanted to see who was still committed to Team APW. As of the time this video package was produced, one name was notably absent among the ‘Yeas’. That man is the current APW World Champion and my next opponent, Zaigon Carter.”
Tom rises from his conspiratorial crouch and shakes his head.
“Not a good look from America’s Sweetheart, is it? For a guy who goes on and on about how he has come to Alpha with his militia of right-wing fucktards to raise the standard, he sure is setting a piss poor example. Zaigon should have been the first person pledging his allegiance to the Burnt Umber and Black if he were serious about changing the culture. It’s almost as if his entire line of bullshit is just that: bullshit. He don’t care about making APW better. He just after the gold; which he now has. Which makes his silence even more notable. What the matter, Zaigon? Corey Black does what Corey Black does and beats you, and you start pining for greener pastures? Yeah, I heard the rumors you might be heading elsewhere. Maybe you think you got a better shot earning your win back from Black in Action Wrestling. Just a head’s up, bro: Corey went ahead and gave himself a case of the Creeping Death once again, and he ain’t about to go through all that hassle just to lose to wrestling’s answer to Aubrey Huff. Want some advice, Zaigon? Stay clear of Action. The place is a shithole. The only good thing about it was Great Miko, and she bounced.”
The Spirit of Antifat reached under his tabard to scratch his lats.
“Don’t confuse this with me thinking you’re good for this place, because you ain’t. You're just another body; a variation on the Great Man with Problems esthetic that clogs up this business like biscuits and gravy have clogged up the arteries of Billy the Behemoth. You tick off all the boxes:
Wrestling Prodigy
Part of the 1% (and yet still works in the most hazardous job out there for--- reasons?)
Has Daddy Issues
Has God Issues
Trying to live down a past shame involving a woman (closeted incel?)
Talks ten shades of shit about opponent and then tells them it’s not personal like aforementioned shit talking is somehow beneath him
Has motives for wrestling above and beyond the standard ‘money and trim’.
“I already told you why I think the last one is shit. Are the rest fake too? Is Papa Carter still alive and kicking and wondering why his son ain’t taking Adam Dante’s calls? See, at least that would be interesting! Right now the most interesting thing about you is that damn eagle. Prosperity shits out fishbones more charismatic than you, Zaigon.”
Tom pauses and strokes his faux goatee (fauxtee?).
“Ackchyually I’m gonna take that back. The stakes in this match are the most interesting thing Zaigon’s got going on. This is a literal gut check moment for you, champ. Lose to Black, no one’s gonna hold that against you. Lose to me? Yeah, that’s a full blown momentum breaker. Ask guys like Jake Karnes, Jordi Trash, and Aaron Blaze oh wait you can’t on account of after I was done with them their careers were done. Is the same thing going to happen to you, Zaigon. You going to lose to me and be responsible for making Jason Ryan the second most embarrassing World Champion Alpha Pro Wrestling has ever had?”
Tom fishes his phone out of his trunks and checks the screen.
“Let’s find out.”
“I am ‘The Ghost of Tom Swoled’!!!”
He gestures to the scrum of young men and women behind him.
“And this is my movement: Antifat!!”
The Antifat-ers (Antifat-ites? Antifat-ies?) all nod and raise their right fists in unison.
“Now, I know a lot of you whiny baby safe space seeking snowflakes are probably pissed at this, because you think my movement is co-opting a legit political issue and using it for cheap points in a promo about body-shaming. Well, you’re only half right! Yes, Antifat is about stopping the drag chunkers, tubbos, and lardasses put on the body politic. For too long we have suffered under the oppressive burden of carrying these chode loads! The country has had enough. It is time America became a fat-free zone! Unless you got curves I mean. You thicc chicks keep on with it, assuming you do so and can maintain those hourglass proportions. I mean, yeah, I know you’re grieving right now Addy A but don’t use that as an excuse to scarf down too many of those truffles, ok? Want to keep yourself looking presentable for that eventual rebound, right?”
The ripped rabble-rouser waggles his eyebrows and makes the “Call Me” gesture with his thumb and pinky finger.
WTF is Tom doing? Is he flirting with Adelaide Ainsworth after warning her about becoming too, ah, robust while simultaneously pouring turpentine into the open wound gouged across her psyche by her boyfriend’s death? That’s just begging for a beaning courtesy of a claw hammer. Worse, it isn’t match relevant! It’s padding, and not the good kind that sees Tom risking certain death at the hands of one half of The Swallowing.
“So, yeah, those of you who can carry that weight get to stay. For the rest, Antifat has designed an ultimate solution: mandatory fat camps. It’s a harsh measure, but if America is willing to close up shop for six months to avoid a case of the super sniffles, we must be willing to concentrate the blob bodies into one spot where they can be taught the benefits of diet and exercise. Fuck Covid, obesity is the real pandemic crippling this country, and Antifat offers the cure.”
Tom pauses and straightens his tabard.
“Now, I told you pissbabies that Antifat was more than just an excuse to pile on those out there with BMI scores higher than the number of flavors advertised by Baskin Robbins, and that was the truth. Now I will reveal the other part of our agenda. See, this movement is concerned with trimming another kind of fat; the kind Alpha Pro Wrestling is currently sharpening its knives up for right now.”
Tom gestured for the camera to move closer. It zoomed in. He looked from side to side, as if he was concerned what he was saying may be overheard by the wrong parties. With his hand covering one side of his mouth he leans forward and stage whispers:
“I’m going to give you marks some official Alpha Pro backstage news. See, earlier in the week a chain email was sent out checking in on the wrestlers making up the roster. The office wanted to see who was still committed to Team APW. As of the time this video package was produced, one name was notably absent among the ‘Yeas’. That man is the current APW World Champion and my next opponent, Zaigon Carter.”
Tom rises from his conspiratorial crouch and shakes his head.
“Not a good look from America’s Sweetheart, is it? For a guy who goes on and on about how he has come to Alpha with his militia of right-wing fucktards to raise the standard, he sure is setting a piss poor example. Zaigon should have been the first person pledging his allegiance to the Burnt Umber and Black if he were serious about changing the culture. It’s almost as if his entire line of bullshit is just that: bullshit. He don’t care about making APW better. He just after the gold; which he now has. Which makes his silence even more notable. What the matter, Zaigon? Corey Black does what Corey Black does and beats you, and you start pining for greener pastures? Yeah, I heard the rumors you might be heading elsewhere. Maybe you think you got a better shot earning your win back from Black in Action Wrestling. Just a head’s up, bro: Corey went ahead and gave himself a case of the Creeping Death once again, and he ain’t about to go through all that hassle just to lose to wrestling’s answer to Aubrey Huff. Want some advice, Zaigon? Stay clear of Action. The place is a shithole. The only good thing about it was Great Miko, and she bounced.”
The Spirit of Antifat reached under his tabard to scratch his lats.
“Don’t confuse this with me thinking you’re good for this place, because you ain’t. You're just another body; a variation on the Great Man with Problems esthetic that clogs up this business like biscuits and gravy have clogged up the arteries of Billy the Behemoth. You tick off all the boxes:
Wrestling Prodigy
Part of the 1% (and yet still works in the most hazardous job out there for--- reasons?)
Has Daddy Issues
Has God Issues
Trying to live down a past shame involving a woman (closeted incel?)
Talks ten shades of shit about opponent and then tells them it’s not personal like aforementioned shit talking is somehow beneath him
Has motives for wrestling above and beyond the standard ‘money and trim’.
“I already told you why I think the last one is shit. Are the rest fake too? Is Papa Carter still alive and kicking and wondering why his son ain’t taking Adam Dante’s calls? See, at least that would be interesting! Right now the most interesting thing about you is that damn eagle. Prosperity shits out fishbones more charismatic than you, Zaigon.”
Tom pauses and strokes his faux goatee (fauxtee?).
“Ackchyually I’m gonna take that back. The stakes in this match are the most interesting thing Zaigon’s got going on. This is a literal gut check moment for you, champ. Lose to Black, no one’s gonna hold that against you. Lose to me? Yeah, that’s a full blown momentum breaker. Ask guys like Jake Karnes, Jordi Trash, and Aaron Blaze oh wait you can’t on account of after I was done with them their careers were done. Is the same thing going to happen to you, Zaigon. You going to lose to me and be responsible for making Jason Ryan the second most embarrassing World Champion Alpha Pro Wrestling has ever had?”
Tom fishes his phone out of his trunks and checks the screen.
“Let’s find out.”
