Overrated Trash
Jul 24, 2020 20:13:11 GMT -5
slaughter71, The Very Big Supervillains, and 1 more like this
Post by soulreaver on Jul 24, 2020 20:13:11 GMT -5
We open with a shot of Soul Reaver seated behind a large wooden table. His manager extraordinaire ‘Quick Wit’ Johnny Class stands next to the table. Class is wearing one of his signature suits and Soul Reaver is in a dark blue Adidas tracksuit.
‘Quick Wit’ Johnny Class: “Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to another Soul Reaver and Johnny Class video! Today we set out to answer the age-old question “Is this thing everyone loves Overrated Trash? Or is it a Smashing Success?
We get some audience clapping piped in and a hastily made graphic appears on the screen.
Overrated Trash or Smashing Success
Johnny nods and thanks the non-existent crowd.
Class: In front of Soul Reaver is something that each and every one of you know and probably love. Legos. Now Legos are universally beloved by children and adults alike but today we find out if they are a Smashing Success or Overrated Trash. Soul Reaver dig in!
Soul Reaver starts putting the bricks together piece-by-piece. Several minutes pass via time-lapse and when the feed slows back down we see Soul Reaver has built a tower of sorts. The camera pans out to show Johnny Class standing next to the table.
Class: Legos! Overrated Trash or a Smashing Success? If it is a smashing success Soul Reaver will smash the Legos against the wall. If it’s trash? Well that is what the garbage is for.
Soul Reaver stands up. He gingerly lifts up the Legos and then slams the Legos in the garbage.
Class: OVERRATED TRASH!!!
Soul Reaver calmly sits back down as Johnny puts the next item in front of him.
Class: Soul Reaver, in front of you is a heaping pile of Olive Garden’s breadsticks. Soccer moms from all of the U.S. flock to this ‘Italian’ restaurant for these bad boys. The real question is if they are are a Smashing Success or Overrated Trash.
Soul Reaver picks up the breadstick and carefully examines it as we have seen chefs do on every cooking competition show for years. He takes a bite and then another one and one again we get a time lapse as Soul Reaver demolishes all but a single breadstick.
Class: Well? Smashing Success or Overrated Trash?
Soul Reaver once again stands up and after some consideration, he slams the plate and breadstick into the garbage.
Class: All you can eat?! No thanks. OVERRATED TRASH!!!!
Johnny cheers wildly. He then moves off camera to acquire the next item and when he comes back he set a phone with a pair of headphones attached in front of Reaver.
Class: Next up we have chart topping, international musical success, and true legend according to some. Michael Jackson. The question is if Mike is a Smashing Success or Overrated Trash. Soul Reaver you will be listening to Beat It. If you will, Reaver.
Soul Reaver puts on the headphones and has them on for less than five seconds before he slams them in the garbage.
Class: OVERRATED TRASH!!!!
Johnny claps again as Soul Reaver shakes his head.
Class: For the last round we will take this experiment to the bathroom! Lets go, Reaver!
The screen goes black briefly and when it comes back we are looking at a shot of Soul Reaver sitting on what may be a toilet. There is a dark brown box around Reaver but he is clearly sitting on something.
Class: When the world was running out of toilet paper millions of people flocked to the interwebs to order a bidet. Today we figure out if bidets are a Smashing Success or Overrated Trash. Reaver, turn that dial.
Reaver reaches behind him and then immediately stiffens up as that stream of water cleans his backside. He scratches his head. He moves his body around to find the sweet spot. He makes several different faces and even cracks a slight smile before returning to his signature scowl. After a few seconds, Reaver stands up and pulls his pants up. This time instead of putting the bidet in the trash, Reaver dumps the trash can on the bidet.
Class: Fresh and clean tushy? Nope. OVERRATED TRASH!!!!
We get a cackle from Johnny Class and then the screen briefly goes black again. We return with a shot of Soul Reaver behind the table and Johnny standing next to him.
Class: Folks, as you have just witnessed Soul Reaver and I are experts in identifying items misclassified as treasures. People love legos and Michael Jackson. They love that warm stream of water cleansing their assholes. They even lock those disgusting excuses for breadsticks that you get at Olive Garden. But Reaver and I don’t just fall in line and love things because everyone else says we should. Not a chance in hell. We are independent thinkers. Reaver and I see things as they truly are. We aren’t sheep. And so it is time to call a spade a spade. Jaice Wilds is…. OVERRATED TRASH!!!
Class and Soul Reaver both nod.
Class: Jaice, I don’t get it. Your name is one that people say with reverence. The masses hold you with so much esteem and I don’t understand it. Do you get it, Reaver?
Reaver shakes his head.
Class: You are treated like such a big deal and it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t wrap my head around it. Since I have been in APW you have accumulated loss after loss after loss. You haven’t had a long championship reign. You haven’t beaten anyone worth a damn in months. Your team lost the Tag Team Championship match at Bulletproof. You guys lost last week on Metal. What exactly have you done to warrant the love from APW? Jaice, I’ll go even further than that. What have you done to earn a match against Soul Reaver?
Johnny and Reaver exchange puzzled looks.
Class: Now before I continue, we do need to address the elephant in the room. Jaice could very well make the argument that Soul Reaver hasn’t done much in APW either. He lost the Hardcore championship match against L. Verez. He has lost matches than he should have. But Jaice would be ignoring the fact that Soul Reaver carried The Bloodline for months. He sacrificed his own personal success for Jason Ryan and Aaron Blaze. And after all of that he is the only one left. Where is Aaron? Even with Reaver’s help, Jason Ryan couldn’t hack it as APW Champion. Jason tucked his tail between his legs and went home. After months of carrying those two lackeys, it was all for nothing. But all of that was washed from Reaver last week when he was born again. And while Faithless lost again last week, Soul Reaver was victorious. Hell, he may have killed Cray Mitchell. Vonn Richter and JT Walker didn’t get hurled into the crowd but they couldn’t do anything to stop Reaver. So what makes anyone think that Jaice Wilds stands a chance?
Johnny Class smirks at the camera and shrugs his shoulders.
Class: Here is the truth. Jaice Wilds doesn’t stand a chance. Now I could go our usual route and talk about Soul Reaver’s massive size advantage, but I am not going to do that. I don’t need to do that. Because that would take away from the fact that Soul Reaver is just a better wrestler than Jaice Wilds. Soul Reaver is on an upward trajectory in APW. Jaice you’re career is heading anywhere but up. Your team continues to lose. You lose. Jaice maybe it’s time to pack it up. Now would be a perfect time, Jaice. You could pack your shit up and go home while these people still you’re worth a damn! Because if you show up on Monday night you will be exposed for the overrated trash that you are.
Class pauses as his signature smirk has faded. Several seconds pass before he utters a word.
Class: There will be nowhere for you to hide on Monday night. The world will watch as Soul Reaver demolishes the ‘great’ Jaice Wilds. And Jaice Reaver isn’t going to do it fast. He’s not going to toss your ass into the 15th row of fans like he did to Cray Mitchell. He’s not going to hit a few moves and end it. It’s going to be slow and painful. Because people need to understand that you’re nothing. And with each blow they will see that they have placed undeserved adoration on you. When he literally throws you around like a ragdoll they will understand that Jaice Wilds is a fraud. But that isn’t the only thing that will be painfully clear on Monday night. With each moment of your destruction, the world will be made more and more aware of the fact that Soul Reaver has finally arrived.
Class puts his hand on the big man’s shoulder. And Soul Reaver glares at the camera.
Class: I can hear the naysayers now. *mimicking whiny fans* You’ve said this before.
Johnny shakes his head in disgust.
Class: I’m not going to say that it is different this time even though it is. I’m not going to say anything and neither is Soul Reaver. We’re going to let Reaver’s wrestling do the talking. It should have been clear last week that this version of Reaver is different, But if you didn’t get it last week then I guarantee you that your eyes will be opened this week. Jaice Wilds is going to be absolutely, positively, painfully dismantled by Soul Reaver on Monday night. And I for one can’t wait to watch it happen!
Johnny and Soul Reaver stare at the camera as we get the black screen.
