Too Much Gold: A 5'2" Mafia Joint
Jul 19, 2020 16:29:35 GMT -5
ned, Vonn Richter, and 1 more like this
Post by Lacklan on Jul 19, 2020 16:29:35 GMT -5
“Thank GOD!”
Sarah’s exclamation as she walks over the thresh of the Egg is followed by her falling to the hardwood floors. Her hat, a large affair with several colorful features, falls off her head, revealing a tightly-wound platinum braid, and she sprawls onto the ground, pressing her pale cheek to the smooth floor.
“We have missed you SO MUCH!”
Kenzi sighs as she follows behind Sarah, making sure to step lightly around the long train of the albino’s plaid dress. She gives the unnecessarily puffy sleeves a dark look before dropping her bag carelessly on the floor and kicking off her shoes to random places.
“Get your butt off the floor! I’ll whoop you if we have to wash out stains from that dumb dress!”
Sarah ignores Kenzi’s reprimand as she hugs the floor and then turns onto her back. She reaches down to grasp at the glasses which had fallen off her face and puts them back into place, and smiles widely.
“Shit up! I miss our home.”
“...then stop wrestling so much…”
Kenzi’s eyes turn away from Sarah as she mumbles but then she returns them and smiles.
“C’mon! We’ve got a trophy to add!”
Kenzi pulls Sarah up to her feet and, after removing her heels with careful motions and gently adding them to an organized rack of shoes next to the door, Sarah picks up her bag and skips further into the room. Kenzi follows suit...her chocolate eyes making sure to take in the bountiful bounce of Sarah’s infamous “squat booty” all the way...and joins her at a large fireplace. Atop the mantle rests numerous trophies and awards, from tournament cups to official documents of championship victories, to framed pictures of themselves holding up various title belts. After setting down her bag, Sarah reaches into the bag and pulls out a handful of items: A plaque recognizing her winning the Trinity Revival Tournament, a document officially proclaiming her the inaugural Revolution1 World Champion, and a picture of the short-lived Eli Breeze Bronze Statue.
Kenzi’s smile falters a little as the two begin to rearrange the trinkets on the mantle to make room for the new additions, which Sarah notices out of the corner of her eyes.
“Something wrong, Beloved?”
Kenzi’s eyes moved from her side of the room; adorned with a fair amount of tag team title belts, mid-level championships, and a massive tournament trophy to Sarah’s side. The same large tournament trophy stood there from the prior year, but titles and accolades from around the world crowded the space and left little room for anything else. Sarah moved to add her newest acquisitions to the gaudy display, but Kenzi posted her hands on her hips.
“HEY! I DON’T THINK SO!”
Sarah turned, a look of confusion on her face.
“Beloved?”
Kenzi arched her brow, as if Sarah should already know what her issue was.
“That’s my side! Put your junk over there!”
Sarah glanced over at the towering piles of championships that glittered and gleamed like the bountiful treasures within vault of King Solomon’s temple. Sarah paced back over to her side, looking for an empty space, but there was none. Finally she turned back to her wife, giving a hard exhale of frustration.
“THERE’S LITERALLY NO MORE ROOM ON MY SIDE!”
Kenzi shrugged, not caring about Sarah’s ‘rich white girl problems.’ She tossed her long braids over her shoulder and smirked as she lounged in the big open space that was completely devoid of World Titles.
“No one told you to go off winning more championships! You should have thought about where you’d put them before you signed up!”
Sarah grumbled, looking around for a place to put her new trio of gold. After many tense and agonizing moments of searching in vain, she finally gives up. She turns to Kenzi, a pleading look in her red hued eyes.
“Beloved, please…just give me a little bit of space. You aren’t even using any of it!”
As Sarah moves to put her titles on her wife’s side of the room, Kenzi bolts to her feet and blocks her. The ebony girl narrows her eyes to vicious slits as she jealously guards the empty space. Sarah attempts to step around her, but Kenzi is quick to bodily block her. When she tries to go the other way she is again met with stiff resistance.
“WIFE! You’re not even wrestling full-time anymore!”
Sarah’s words elicit only the slightest raise of her brow, though the implication cuts deep. Kenzi raises her head a bit higher, looking down her nose at her spouse.
“I could…maybe I’m planning a comeback…maybe I’ll sign up for Kinky Wrestling! I bet you I could fill this space with gold in no time!”
“I bet I’d fill your ass with my foot in no time!”
A tense stare down ensued between the two for what seemed like an eternity until the two seemed to break at the same time. First a smirk and then broad smile…within minutes the two were erupting into full on belly laughs. With the tension of the moment broken, Sarah moves to occupy the empty space, but Kenzi again stops her. The albino’s eyes widen in surprise until her wife makes things clear.
“Using my space isn’t free babe! If you’re going to be taking up my space, you’re going to have to pay me for it!”
Sarah adjusts her glasses as she nibbles coyly on her bottom lip.
“So…we talking sex or…”
“NO!”
Kenzi pauses.
“Well…probably…but there’s more! If you want to rent out my space, you’re going to have to give me something for it. You and me…making a legit run after those Alpha Pro Tag Team Titles! No more pussy-footing around!”
Sarah couldn’t help the devious smile that spread across her ruby red lips. That had been the goal since the moment she put ink to paper with her fine quill pen…but when the opportunity arose to get her hands on the Hardcore Title, she took it. Well…she and Kenzi ‘took’ it, but she understood. Sarah gave a slight nod and Kenzi stepped aside to allow her wife room to properly display her new treasures. Sarah took great care to position her APW Hardcore Title in a place of honor, brushing her fingers over its gleaming surface as she did.
“…the competition won’t be easy Beloved…”
Kenzi leaned over her wife’s back, whispering in her ear.
“…I wouldn’t have it any other way…”
Sarah shivers from the breath and smiles. She then reaches up and puts her hands into the base of Kenzi's braids, letting her fingers get lost in them, and gives a squeeze.
"Well, first stop to THAT is getting past two teams this week: Faithless and the Super Villains."
She turns around to face Kenzi.
"Faithless is Jaice Wilds and Oblivion. Jaice is the kind of guy who is WAY more important in his head than he is in the real world. The dude has spent MONTHS and MONTHS talking about his importance in some other fed I don’t care about and talking about how Corey Black...that’s one of the tag champs, Beloved...is a little pussy bitch who needs to find relevance, yet whenever he actually gets the chance to PROVE his point, he falls on his face! The Man Made Gods...that’s the team Black is on, bee tee dubs...has whooped EVERYONE’s ass while Jaice keeps talking about how much better and more important he is, and that INCLUDES him! I mean, its bad enough that ‘Mr I’m So Important’ has a pathetic record...seriously legitimate, the dude’s proper position should be listed under ‘Local Talent Used to Make Everyone Look Dominant’ instead of ‘Main Roster’...$5 says even THE BLADE gets a win over him now and again...but he’s ALSO the kind of guy who pulls the ‘Nuh uh! I didn’t lose! YOU lost! We MEANT to lose, STUPID!’ routine when he gets put in his place. And AFTER that? After his so-called ‘victory’ wherein he was softening up the Man Made Gods and putting chinks in their armor? HE STILL LOST! Literally the ONLY championship which did NOT change hands at Bulletproof was the tag gold! What a putz!
“He’s ALSO the guy who works REALLY HARD to make sure that his camera angles are JUST RIGHT. He spends half of his freakin’ promo time just making sure that the B Camera is closely watching the angle of his left elbow! ‘Not the right elbow, stupid! CUT! BACK TO ONE!’ Just IMAGINE how he would be if he spent less time worrying about making sure the lighting in the room gives him an appropriately gruff look, or that Dani’s pout is sympathetic enough, and more on actual CONTENT! Instead, he’s like one of those skinny-fat instagramers who spend an hour setting up the right light so that it makes him look like he has abs instead of just doing some goddamn crunches.”
Sarah chews on her lip in thought, which causes her Revered and Exalted Dimple to pop out, which causes Kenzi’s skin to turn a slight shade of purple. As per the usual.
“Then again, if he WERE to toss away the high-school musical grade theatrics and just get to the brass tacks of opponent analysis and preparation, we would probably just be treated with him and Dani sitting there awkwardly for ten minutes while the camera crew plays on their phones. In his TWENTY-NINE matches within Alpha...literally the third most after Alex Scott and Smitty Jones...he’s only won NINE of them! And THAT’s because, while he may be able to drone on and on about shit that happened somewhere else against people who supposedly need him for relevance, he can’t do JACK against people he’s never met! He may be able to weave a narrative about a long career full of amazing championships and victories and accolades back from when we were in training bras, but doing research NOW, and figuring out how to exploit weakness of his opponents NOW, seems to be lost on him.”
She looks back at Kenzi and rolls her eyes.
“And then there’s Oblivion. The Monster. The MYTH! He eats puppies for breakfast! He kidnaps women and ties them to train tracks! He finds horny teenagers have sex in corn fields and impales them both with his machete! He invades the dreams of children in order to get revenge for being burned alive! He waits in line for the newest video game system and, as he holds it up for all the nerds to cheer at his successful purchase, smashes it to the ground and films the shocked tears coming from the nerds! HE IZ GRRRRR!"
Sarah again rolls her eyes, though this time so hard that Kenzi's heart jumps in worry that they might get stuck.
"THIS dumbass. Like, our entire careers have been about having to face down monsters, ya know? And that entire bit would make a LOT more sense if any of them actually DID anything! Sure, this dude is supposed to be some badass in a company far, far away, but you know what I have seen him do in Alpha? Less than 'jack' AND 'squat!' The Big Bad Monster who talked about kidnapping and probably eating Dani...that's our main interviewer, as I'm sure you know...just lumbers around for a few minutes while the audience falls asleep. And he doesn't even have the common decency to wake them up! THEY wake up when either he or Jaice gets beat and "Oroborus" plays through the P.A. and the crowd finally has a reason to care. BUT! That might be too deep of a cut for Oblivion to understand...that was the theme song of the Man Made Gods, ya see...but that's how we roll, after all. WE do the deep dives, Bay-Bay!"
“What about the other guys?”
Yet another eyeroll, though this one is not quite so massive. Perhaps 67% of the one for Oblivion?
“Lumbering oafs. SUPER strong, as you can imagine, since they’re seven footers. But unlike the OTHER so-called ‘giant’ in the match, these guys actually win stuff! Well, no important stuff, or anything, but they still do! Now, they kinda got that same ‘Welcome to Alpha: PLEASE DON’T LEAVE’ starter kit which included a match against the team of Blade and Hixx just like us, so they got to start on the right foot, and all, but they’ve also done some other cool stuff! Light’s truth, there aren’t a whole lot of fantastic teams in the division here in Alpha...mostly just thrown-together couplings of people who use their initials...and these lugs have been able to Fee Fi Fo Fum over most of them. But I’m only half Englishwoman, and you’re none at all, so I’m not too worried about our chances of stealing their golden goose.”
Kenzi slowly facepalms and lets out her sixth or seventh suffering sigh of the day.
“...why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“You know what! Your obscure references and analogies! Why can’t you just call them dumb assholes instead of bringing up Jack and the Beanstalk out of thin air?!”
Sarah giggles and waves a dismissive hand.
“Because SOMEONE has to be nuanced and entertaining in this match! Faithless is FAR too boring to give Irina...that’s the Bosslady who would give her left ovary to be in the G-L sammich, if you’ll recall...anything even remotely interesting, and while the Villains ARE kinda-sorta funny, they are FAR too simplistic to pull off what I do. Yes, Travis’ odd way of speech...he speaks in wing dings, Beloved, which is truly an interesting sight to behold...got old after their second or third match, and William’s fear and/or hatred and/or intolerance and/or bigotry for Little People...really, William, the word ‘midget’ is NOT okay...is a gag which was played out at LEAST by Kingdom Come.”
Sarah chews on her lip again, though on the other side, so that the OTHER Exalted and Revered Dimple could excite Kenzi.
“Ya know...considering their grotesque size, and our PERFECT heights...dollars to beignets say that they would consider US Little People. Guess that means we’ll have to pull out Team Kickass Strategy Number 34.”
Kenzi blinks in confusion for a second.
“....Number 34…’Damsel in Distress?’”
Sarah scowls at her.
“No! That’s Number 33!”
“Oh. Wait...34…’Get Help?’ But who’s going to fall for that?”
Another scowl.
“No! ‘Get Help’ is Number 45! Jeez, Beloved, you REALLY need to get in the ring more! Good thing I’m here to drag you along! Number 34 is ‘Lilliputians.’”
Kenzi blinks for a few seconds but then recognition dawns on her face.
“Oh! Right! When all the little guys tied up Gulliver!”
“Yep! So, here’s the idea: We kick the FUCK out of the shins of the Villains, right? Just BLAM! KICK! BOOM! And they’ll be hopping all around the ring like the turtles do in that old arcade game, right?”
“I like playing as Donatello.”
“Of course you do. Cheater. N-E-Ways! While they’re hopping around like the dumb oxen they are, we push them into the ropes and their arms will get caught up like a drunken Roussimoff-”
“...by Tom Cruise’s birthmark, these deep references are going to make us lose, Babe…”
“-and then we turn our attention to Faithless. Oblivion will be too busy trying to steal some kid’s candy or declaw a cat or something equally stupid to notice what’s happening, right? And Jaice will likewise be too engrossed in his next massive lore dump no one cares about to see what’s coming. We’ll hit the ropes, leap into the air, and then KAPLOW! Falcon Punch! Our fists will crush Jaice’s melon, just like Blade, just like whichever Alpha Bro that was, JUST like Verez when I took her Hardcore title, and BOOM! Jaice will be out. I’ll make the cover...won’t bother even hooking a leg...while you keep an eye out for Oblivion JUST IN CASE he decides to pretend to care about Alpha for half a second. And then BLAMO! The 5’2” Mafia is 3-0 and likely next in line for the Man Made Gods.”
Sarah puts her hands on her hips so that they jut out JUST RIGHT, tosses her hair back, and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile at her wife.
"Now, about that sex thing I owe you?"
Kenzi rolls her eyes...but doesn't say no!
It had been a long time since Kenzi had done an episode of Grey Matter. Life had caught up to her and her absence from the ring had made the interactive fan forum seem pointless, but her return to action in Alpha Wrestling alongside her wife made the return seem warranted. The caramel former starlet sat in front of her webcam as she waved and welcomed her fans to the stream.
“Hey guys! I’m back…sorry for the long layoff. Surgery and semi-retirement really left me with no desire to do this, but it looks like I’m back…so, hooray for me!”
She watched as fans welcomed her back, typing their well wishes as it scrolled along the side of the screen. One of the questions caught her eye:
“Okay, so…for those that are new! A few months ago I got forced into a hardcore match and ended up getting my face torn apart. I stepped away from the ring and from filming my shows while I healed. The doctors did an amazing job, but I still feel like I look like Frankenstein’s booty call! Sarah says I look great, but she’ll say anything to get laid!”
Kenzi chuckled, though it was clear that she still wasn’t totally comfortable with her appearance, even though she looked the same. She watched the stream react and focused in on another question:
“Great question, and thanks for the kind words! I joined APW to team with Sarah, and while it’s true that her winning a singles title could limit what we do in the tag division, I don’t think it changes anything for us in the long run, as a team. We made a commitment to go after the APW Tag Team Titles and that is what we are going to do! Monday Metal is going to see us in tag team action…and it will be one of our biggest matches to date. I can’t wait!”
More comments and well-wishes flooded in. It was a more pointed question about the upcoming triple-threat tag team match that caught her eye:
Kenzi rolled her eyes at the intentionally inflammatory comment.
“Obviously you don’t know anything about wrestling or the spirit of completion! On any given night one team can lose to another and size has nothing to do with it! Wrestling is about skill and execution. If I wrestle someone bigger than me…which is most of the time, I have to counter that with the things that I do best. For the last four years, Sarah and I have become pretty good at that. So, to your comment about being fed easy competition, I’ll tell you that Blade, Hixx, and the Alpha Bros all brought a different dynamic that we had to find a way to overcome. The same thing is going to be true tomorrow night against Faithless and Very Big Supervillians. We know our strengths and we are going to play into them…”
Her wife yelled out off-camera.
“Team strategy Number 34, Beloved!”
Kenzi closed her eyes and shook her head and mumble.
“...i’ll team her strategy…”
Sarah yelled out again.
“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, BELOVED?!”
“NO BABY! LUV YOU SO MUCH!”
Kenzi rolled her eyes as she exhaled, turning her attention back to her feed and the next question to grab her attention:
“Ummm…no shade Darkness, but let’s be real with each other here Boo; Faithless had their chance at Bulletproof and they LOST! Now, I’m not saying they should NEVER get another chance at the titles, but when you lose…you go to the back of the line!”
Kenzi paused, a questioning look passing over her face.
“I’m not the research fanatic that Sarah is, so correct me if I’m wrong…but wasn’t that their SECOND opportunity at the champs? I mean…is there a line BEHIND the back of the line? I appreciate the determination as much as the next person, but APW fans want to watch matches where they DON’T know the outcome before it even starts…so…let’s not even go there, okay?”
Kenzi pauses and brightens as a thought pops into her mind. She holds up a finger and jots down a note for herself.
“Hang on! I just thought of a new television show idea! It’s like Groundhog Day, but it’s about these two morons who keep reliving and losing the same pay-per-view match over and over…but instead of trying to change tactics, they just keep showing up and hoping for a different outcome. I don’t have a title…but Faithless doesn’t sound like a bad one!”
Another question came in while Kenzi was writing:
“I’m going to be dead-ass serious! I think I like those two guys! I mean, I know they are villains because it’s literally in their name, but I have a legit soft spot in my heart for the bad guys! Let’s be honest, they are usually so much more interesting than the so-called ‘good guys.’ Villains usually have stronger and truer motivations than heroes anyway. Just look at The Avengers series of movies. Thanos was the ‘villain’ but his goal was to save the universe…that’s a strong and noble aspiration! The Avengers motivation was to stop Thanos…”
Kenzi smirks into the screen.
“WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?! That’s not motivation…that’s not interesting…that’s just reactionary at best!”
She pauses, mulling over the question that was asked.
“What would I do for The Very Big Supervillains? Well, like I said…I like villains with strong motivations and I don’t particularly care for heroes, so I think I’d write a movie where the villains had to fight other villains with strong motivations! I think I’d write a story about a pair of supervillain teams that were both in conflict over who would get a chance to challenge The Man Made Gods! I could see it now…the villainous Travis and William operating out of their secret lair…”
She paused again.
“Wait…they are homeless, but I guess…that doesn’t matter, we can save a lot of money on not shooting scenes in some super-secret volcano lair! The Very Big Supervillains against the Very Tiny Supervillains…battling for an opportunity to do what Faithless has failed to do on back-to-back occasions!”
Kenzi smiled, and there was a hint of malevolent glee there.
“We are going to see that movie play out on Monday night and I hope that all of you will be watching. The 5’2” Mafia is setting its sights on gold…but it’s not Emmys or Oscars, its Tag Team gold that we are after and we plan on doing whatever it takes!”
Sarah stuck her head into the shot.
“Team strategy Number 34, Beloved!”
Kenzi looked up at her wife, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and then turned back to the camera.
“See you on Monday night…”
The podcast came to an abrupt end…
Sarah’s exclamation as she walks over the thresh of the Egg is followed by her falling to the hardwood floors. Her hat, a large affair with several colorful features, falls off her head, revealing a tightly-wound platinum braid, and she sprawls onto the ground, pressing her pale cheek to the smooth floor.
“We have missed you SO MUCH!”
Kenzi sighs as she follows behind Sarah, making sure to step lightly around the long train of the albino’s plaid dress. She gives the unnecessarily puffy sleeves a dark look before dropping her bag carelessly on the floor and kicking off her shoes to random places.
“Get your butt off the floor! I’ll whoop you if we have to wash out stains from that dumb dress!”
Sarah ignores Kenzi’s reprimand as she hugs the floor and then turns onto her back. She reaches down to grasp at the glasses which had fallen off her face and puts them back into place, and smiles widely.
“Shit up! I miss our home.”
“...then stop wrestling so much…”
Kenzi’s eyes turn away from Sarah as she mumbles but then she returns them and smiles.
“C’mon! We’ve got a trophy to add!”
Kenzi pulls Sarah up to her feet and, after removing her heels with careful motions and gently adding them to an organized rack of shoes next to the door, Sarah picks up her bag and skips further into the room. Kenzi follows suit...her chocolate eyes making sure to take in the bountiful bounce of Sarah’s infamous “squat booty” all the way...and joins her at a large fireplace. Atop the mantle rests numerous trophies and awards, from tournament cups to official documents of championship victories, to framed pictures of themselves holding up various title belts. After setting down her bag, Sarah reaches into the bag and pulls out a handful of items: A plaque recognizing her winning the Trinity Revival Tournament, a document officially proclaiming her the inaugural Revolution1 World Champion, and a picture of the short-lived Eli Breeze Bronze Statue.
Kenzi’s smile falters a little as the two begin to rearrange the trinkets on the mantle to make room for the new additions, which Sarah notices out of the corner of her eyes.
“Something wrong, Beloved?”
Kenzi’s eyes moved from her side of the room; adorned with a fair amount of tag team title belts, mid-level championships, and a massive tournament trophy to Sarah’s side. The same large tournament trophy stood there from the prior year, but titles and accolades from around the world crowded the space and left little room for anything else. Sarah moved to add her newest acquisitions to the gaudy display, but Kenzi posted her hands on her hips.
“HEY! I DON’T THINK SO!”
Sarah turned, a look of confusion on her face.
“Beloved?”
Kenzi arched her brow, as if Sarah should already know what her issue was.
“That’s my side! Put your junk over there!”
Sarah glanced over at the towering piles of championships that glittered and gleamed like the bountiful treasures within vault of King Solomon’s temple. Sarah paced back over to her side, looking for an empty space, but there was none. Finally she turned back to her wife, giving a hard exhale of frustration.
“THERE’S LITERALLY NO MORE ROOM ON MY SIDE!”
Kenzi shrugged, not caring about Sarah’s ‘rich white girl problems.’ She tossed her long braids over her shoulder and smirked as she lounged in the big open space that was completely devoid of World Titles.
“No one told you to go off winning more championships! You should have thought about where you’d put them before you signed up!”
Sarah grumbled, looking around for a place to put her new trio of gold. After many tense and agonizing moments of searching in vain, she finally gives up. She turns to Kenzi, a pleading look in her red hued eyes.
“Beloved, please…just give me a little bit of space. You aren’t even using any of it!”
As Sarah moves to put her titles on her wife’s side of the room, Kenzi bolts to her feet and blocks her. The ebony girl narrows her eyes to vicious slits as she jealously guards the empty space. Sarah attempts to step around her, but Kenzi is quick to bodily block her. When she tries to go the other way she is again met with stiff resistance.
“WIFE! You’re not even wrestling full-time anymore!”
Sarah’s words elicit only the slightest raise of her brow, though the implication cuts deep. Kenzi raises her head a bit higher, looking down her nose at her spouse.
“I could…maybe I’m planning a comeback…maybe I’ll sign up for Kinky Wrestling! I bet you I could fill this space with gold in no time!”
“I bet I’d fill your ass with my foot in no time!”
A tense stare down ensued between the two for what seemed like an eternity until the two seemed to break at the same time. First a smirk and then broad smile…within minutes the two were erupting into full on belly laughs. With the tension of the moment broken, Sarah moves to occupy the empty space, but Kenzi again stops her. The albino’s eyes widen in surprise until her wife makes things clear.
“Using my space isn’t free babe! If you’re going to be taking up my space, you’re going to have to pay me for it!”
Sarah adjusts her glasses as she nibbles coyly on her bottom lip.
“So…we talking sex or…”
“NO!”
Kenzi pauses.
“Well…probably…but there’s more! If you want to rent out my space, you’re going to have to give me something for it. You and me…making a legit run after those Alpha Pro Tag Team Titles! No more pussy-footing around!”
Sarah couldn’t help the devious smile that spread across her ruby red lips. That had been the goal since the moment she put ink to paper with her fine quill pen…but when the opportunity arose to get her hands on the Hardcore Title, she took it. Well…she and Kenzi ‘took’ it, but she understood. Sarah gave a slight nod and Kenzi stepped aside to allow her wife room to properly display her new treasures. Sarah took great care to position her APW Hardcore Title in a place of honor, brushing her fingers over its gleaming surface as she did.
“…the competition won’t be easy Beloved…”
Kenzi leaned over her wife’s back, whispering in her ear.
“…I wouldn’t have it any other way…”
Sarah shivers from the breath and smiles. She then reaches up and puts her hands into the base of Kenzi's braids, letting her fingers get lost in them, and gives a squeeze.
"Well, first stop to THAT is getting past two teams this week: Faithless and the Super Villains."
She turns around to face Kenzi.
"Faithless is Jaice Wilds and Oblivion. Jaice is the kind of guy who is WAY more important in his head than he is in the real world. The dude has spent MONTHS and MONTHS talking about his importance in some other fed I don’t care about and talking about how Corey Black...that’s one of the tag champs, Beloved...is a little pussy bitch who needs to find relevance, yet whenever he actually gets the chance to PROVE his point, he falls on his face! The Man Made Gods...that’s the team Black is on, bee tee dubs...has whooped EVERYONE’s ass while Jaice keeps talking about how much better and more important he is, and that INCLUDES him! I mean, its bad enough that ‘Mr I’m So Important’ has a pathetic record...seriously legitimate, the dude’s proper position should be listed under ‘Local Talent Used to Make Everyone Look Dominant’ instead of ‘Main Roster’...$5 says even THE BLADE gets a win over him now and again...but he’s ALSO the kind of guy who pulls the ‘Nuh uh! I didn’t lose! YOU lost! We MEANT to lose, STUPID!’ routine when he gets put in his place. And AFTER that? After his so-called ‘victory’ wherein he was softening up the Man Made Gods and putting chinks in their armor? HE STILL LOST! Literally the ONLY championship which did NOT change hands at Bulletproof was the tag gold! What a putz!
“He’s ALSO the guy who works REALLY HARD to make sure that his camera angles are JUST RIGHT. He spends half of his freakin’ promo time just making sure that the B Camera is closely watching the angle of his left elbow! ‘Not the right elbow, stupid! CUT! BACK TO ONE!’ Just IMAGINE how he would be if he spent less time worrying about making sure the lighting in the room gives him an appropriately gruff look, or that Dani’s pout is sympathetic enough, and more on actual CONTENT! Instead, he’s like one of those skinny-fat instagramers who spend an hour setting up the right light so that it makes him look like he has abs instead of just doing some goddamn crunches.”
Sarah chews on her lip in thought, which causes her Revered and Exalted Dimple to pop out, which causes Kenzi’s skin to turn a slight shade of purple. As per the usual.
“Then again, if he WERE to toss away the high-school musical grade theatrics and just get to the brass tacks of opponent analysis and preparation, we would probably just be treated with him and Dani sitting there awkwardly for ten minutes while the camera crew plays on their phones. In his TWENTY-NINE matches within Alpha...literally the third most after Alex Scott and Smitty Jones...he’s only won NINE of them! And THAT’s because, while he may be able to drone on and on about shit that happened somewhere else against people who supposedly need him for relevance, he can’t do JACK against people he’s never met! He may be able to weave a narrative about a long career full of amazing championships and victories and accolades back from when we were in training bras, but doing research NOW, and figuring out how to exploit weakness of his opponents NOW, seems to be lost on him.”
She looks back at Kenzi and rolls her eyes.
“And then there’s Oblivion. The Monster. The MYTH! He eats puppies for breakfast! He kidnaps women and ties them to train tracks! He finds horny teenagers have sex in corn fields and impales them both with his machete! He invades the dreams of children in order to get revenge for being burned alive! He waits in line for the newest video game system and, as he holds it up for all the nerds to cheer at his successful purchase, smashes it to the ground and films the shocked tears coming from the nerds! HE IZ GRRRRR!"
Sarah again rolls her eyes, though this time so hard that Kenzi's heart jumps in worry that they might get stuck.
"THIS dumbass. Like, our entire careers have been about having to face down monsters, ya know? And that entire bit would make a LOT more sense if any of them actually DID anything! Sure, this dude is supposed to be some badass in a company far, far away, but you know what I have seen him do in Alpha? Less than 'jack' AND 'squat!' The Big Bad Monster who talked about kidnapping and probably eating Dani...that's our main interviewer, as I'm sure you know...just lumbers around for a few minutes while the audience falls asleep. And he doesn't even have the common decency to wake them up! THEY wake up when either he or Jaice gets beat and "Oroborus" plays through the P.A. and the crowd finally has a reason to care. BUT! That might be too deep of a cut for Oblivion to understand...that was the theme song of the Man Made Gods, ya see...but that's how we roll, after all. WE do the deep dives, Bay-Bay!"
“What about the other guys?”
Yet another eyeroll, though this one is not quite so massive. Perhaps 67% of the one for Oblivion?
“Lumbering oafs. SUPER strong, as you can imagine, since they’re seven footers. But unlike the OTHER so-called ‘giant’ in the match, these guys actually win stuff! Well, no important stuff, or anything, but they still do! Now, they kinda got that same ‘Welcome to Alpha: PLEASE DON’T LEAVE’ starter kit which included a match against the team of Blade and Hixx just like us, so they got to start on the right foot, and all, but they’ve also done some other cool stuff! Light’s truth, there aren’t a whole lot of fantastic teams in the division here in Alpha...mostly just thrown-together couplings of people who use their initials...and these lugs have been able to Fee Fi Fo Fum over most of them. But I’m only half Englishwoman, and you’re none at all, so I’m not too worried about our chances of stealing their golden goose.”
Kenzi slowly facepalms and lets out her sixth or seventh suffering sigh of the day.
“...why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“You know what! Your obscure references and analogies! Why can’t you just call them dumb assholes instead of bringing up Jack and the Beanstalk out of thin air?!”
Sarah giggles and waves a dismissive hand.
“Because SOMEONE has to be nuanced and entertaining in this match! Faithless is FAR too boring to give Irina...that’s the Bosslady who would give her left ovary to be in the G-L sammich, if you’ll recall...anything even remotely interesting, and while the Villains ARE kinda-sorta funny, they are FAR too simplistic to pull off what I do. Yes, Travis’ odd way of speech...he speaks in wing dings, Beloved, which is truly an interesting sight to behold...got old after their second or third match, and William’s fear and/or hatred and/or intolerance and/or bigotry for Little People...really, William, the word ‘midget’ is NOT okay...is a gag which was played out at LEAST by Kingdom Come.”
Sarah chews on her lip again, though on the other side, so that the OTHER Exalted and Revered Dimple could excite Kenzi.
“Ya know...considering their grotesque size, and our PERFECT heights...dollars to beignets say that they would consider US Little People. Guess that means we’ll have to pull out Team Kickass Strategy Number 34.”
Kenzi blinks in confusion for a second.
“....Number 34…’Damsel in Distress?’”
Sarah scowls at her.
“No! That’s Number 33!”
“Oh. Wait...34…’Get Help?’ But who’s going to fall for that?”
Another scowl.
“No! ‘Get Help’ is Number 45! Jeez, Beloved, you REALLY need to get in the ring more! Good thing I’m here to drag you along! Number 34 is ‘Lilliputians.’”
Kenzi blinks for a few seconds but then recognition dawns on her face.
“Oh! Right! When all the little guys tied up Gulliver!”
“Yep! So, here’s the idea: We kick the FUCK out of the shins of the Villains, right? Just BLAM! KICK! BOOM! And they’ll be hopping all around the ring like the turtles do in that old arcade game, right?”
“I like playing as Donatello.”
“Of course you do. Cheater. N-E-Ways! While they’re hopping around like the dumb oxen they are, we push them into the ropes and their arms will get caught up like a drunken Roussimoff-”
“...by Tom Cruise’s birthmark, these deep references are going to make us lose, Babe…”
“-and then we turn our attention to Faithless. Oblivion will be too busy trying to steal some kid’s candy or declaw a cat or something equally stupid to notice what’s happening, right? And Jaice will likewise be too engrossed in his next massive lore dump no one cares about to see what’s coming. We’ll hit the ropes, leap into the air, and then KAPLOW! Falcon Punch! Our fists will crush Jaice’s melon, just like Blade, just like whichever Alpha Bro that was, JUST like Verez when I took her Hardcore title, and BOOM! Jaice will be out. I’ll make the cover...won’t bother even hooking a leg...while you keep an eye out for Oblivion JUST IN CASE he decides to pretend to care about Alpha for half a second. And then BLAMO! The 5’2” Mafia is 3-0 and likely next in line for the Man Made Gods.”
Sarah puts her hands on her hips so that they jut out JUST RIGHT, tosses her hair back, and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile at her wife.
"Now, about that sex thing I owe you?"
Kenzi rolls her eyes...but doesn't say no!
It had been a long time since Kenzi had done an episode of Grey Matter. Life had caught up to her and her absence from the ring had made the interactive fan forum seem pointless, but her return to action in Alpha Wrestling alongside her wife made the return seem warranted. The caramel former starlet sat in front of her webcam as she waved and welcomed her fans to the stream.
“Hey guys! I’m back…sorry for the long layoff. Surgery and semi-retirement really left me with no desire to do this, but it looks like I’m back…so, hooray for me!”
She watched as fans welcomed her back, typing their well wishes as it scrolled along the side of the screen. One of the questions caught her eye:
PhillyGurl13: Glad ur back! How’s da face?
“Okay, so…for those that are new! A few months ago I got forced into a hardcore match and ended up getting my face torn apart. I stepped away from the ring and from filming my shows while I healed. The doctors did an amazing job, but I still feel like I look like Frankenstein’s booty call! Sarah says I look great, but she’ll say anything to get laid!”
Kenzi chuckled, though it was clear that she still wasn’t totally comfortable with her appearance, even though she looked the same. She watched the stream react and focused in on another question:
AlphaDawg: Been happy to see the Mafia in APW! Thanks for bolstering the tag division, but now that Sarah is Hardcore Champion, what does that mean for the two of you?
“Great question, and thanks for the kind words! I joined APW to team with Sarah, and while it’s true that her winning a singles title could limit what we do in the tag division, I don’t think it changes anything for us in the long run, as a team. We made a commitment to go after the APW Tag Team Titles and that is what we are going to do! Monday Metal is going to see us in tag team action…and it will be one of our biggest matches to date. I can’t wait!”
More comments and well-wishes flooded in. It was a more pointed question about the upcoming triple-threat tag team match that caught her eye:
2Big4U: Glad Alpha stopped feeding you two midgets easy comp! Looking forward to seeing you two get squashed on Monday night 
Kenzi rolled her eyes at the intentionally inflammatory comment.
“Obviously you don’t know anything about wrestling or the spirit of completion! On any given night one team can lose to another and size has nothing to do with it! Wrestling is about skill and execution. If I wrestle someone bigger than me…which is most of the time, I have to counter that with the things that I do best. For the last four years, Sarah and I have become pretty good at that. So, to your comment about being fed easy competition, I’ll tell you that Blade, Hixx, and the Alpha Bros all brought a different dynamic that we had to find a way to overcome. The same thing is going to be true tomorrow night against Faithless and Very Big Supervillians. We know our strengths and we are going to play into them…”
Her wife yelled out off-camera.
“Team strategy Number 34, Beloved!”
Kenzi closed her eyes and shook her head and mumble.
“...i’ll team her strategy…”
Sarah yelled out again.
“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, BELOVED?!”
“NO BABY! LUV YOU SO MUCH!”
Kenzi rolled her eyes as she exhaled, turning her attention back to her feed and the next question to grab her attention:
DarknessBeckons: Jaice Wilds and Oblivion have already staked their claim to the right to tear the titles from the hands of Man Made Gods! Go back to making television shows and avoid the realm of monsters little girl!
“Ummm…no shade Darkness, but let’s be real with each other here Boo; Faithless had their chance at Bulletproof and they LOST! Now, I’m not saying they should NEVER get another chance at the titles, but when you lose…you go to the back of the line!”
Kenzi paused, a questioning look passing over her face.
“I’m not the research fanatic that Sarah is, so correct me if I’m wrong…but wasn’t that their SECOND opportunity at the champs? I mean…is there a line BEHIND the back of the line? I appreciate the determination as much as the next person, but APW fans want to watch matches where they DON’T know the outcome before it even starts…so…let’s not even go there, okay?”
Kenzi pauses and brightens as a thought pops into her mind. She holds up a finger and jots down a note for herself.
“Hang on! I just thought of a new television show idea! It’s like Groundhog Day, but it’s about these two morons who keep reliving and losing the same pay-per-view match over and over…but instead of trying to change tactics, they just keep showing up and hoping for a different outcome. I don’t have a title…but Faithless doesn’t sound like a bad one!”
Another question came in while Kenzi was writing:
FilmBuff: LOL I’d watch that movie! But what would you do for The Very Big Supervillains?
“I’m going to be dead-ass serious! I think I like those two guys! I mean, I know they are villains because it’s literally in their name, but I have a legit soft spot in my heart for the bad guys! Let’s be honest, they are usually so much more interesting than the so-called ‘good guys.’ Villains usually have stronger and truer motivations than heroes anyway. Just look at The Avengers series of movies. Thanos was the ‘villain’ but his goal was to save the universe…that’s a strong and noble aspiration! The Avengers motivation was to stop Thanos…”
Kenzi smirks into the screen.
“WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?! That’s not motivation…that’s not interesting…that’s just reactionary at best!”
She pauses, mulling over the question that was asked.
“What would I do for The Very Big Supervillains? Well, like I said…I like villains with strong motivations and I don’t particularly care for heroes, so I think I’d write a movie where the villains had to fight other villains with strong motivations! I think I’d write a story about a pair of supervillain teams that were both in conflict over who would get a chance to challenge The Man Made Gods! I could see it now…the villainous Travis and William operating out of their secret lair…”
She paused again.
“Wait…they are homeless, but I guess…that doesn’t matter, we can save a lot of money on not shooting scenes in some super-secret volcano lair! The Very Big Supervillains against the Very Tiny Supervillains…battling for an opportunity to do what Faithless has failed to do on back-to-back occasions!”
Kenzi smiled, and there was a hint of malevolent glee there.
“We are going to see that movie play out on Monday night and I hope that all of you will be watching. The 5’2” Mafia is setting its sights on gold…but it’s not Emmys or Oscars, its Tag Team gold that we are after and we plan on doing whatever it takes!”
Sarah stuck her head into the shot.
“Team strategy Number 34, Beloved!”
Kenzi looked up at her wife, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and then turned back to the camera.
“See you on Monday night…”
The podcast came to an abrupt end…
