Post by Breezy on Jul 19, 2020 14:12:47 GMT -5
"I have told the court to come here today so I can oversee the suing and subsequent destruction of the entirety of the city of Las Vegas.
I'm doing this because those idiotic, rude therapists from Las Vegas have somehow decided that my client, Ojo Loco, most insane wrestler in the world, is not legally insane."
"And who are you?"
"Uh.. Ojo Loco,"
Ojo Loco is sat down in a regular, empty courtroom, staring down three Las Vegas judges whilst wearing his constant, flamed luchador mask.
He's still got a regular suit on, navy blue and somehow managing to fit his massive frame. Their appears to be stickers of flames. attached to the blazer. They are still watermarked.
"You're representing yourself?" The oldest, most central judge asks. One eyebrow raised.
"Uh.. y- yeah!
Being the Locos man in the world means that the only person capable of showing you all how Loco I am is me.
My locos evidence is absolutely undeniable. You guys may as well just call me insane now, so we can get this finished. I've never lost a court case.
Never been in one before but if being a lawyer's so hard how come those no pre-season drafts like in the NFL?"
Ojo Loco asks that legitimately and then spends the most 2 minutes staring at the judges.
The judges look equally part disappointed, shocked and completely stoic and Ojo Loco makes a singular cough to move them along.
"Do you have any evidence to support your claim that Ojo Loco is insane?"
"I have videos of 2 wrestling matches and CCTV from an olive garden."
"Do you legally own these tapes?"
Ojo Loco pulls out a box covered in more flames stickers than snorts.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Because you'd be in contempt of court. You can't use them,"
"Well, how many luchador tournament matches has this "Court" won? Because I have two. That's more than double the 0 you nerds-"
"Ojo Loco!!"
Loco snarls and makes an obvious display of his disappointment with the situation. He stands up with all the aggression of a rabid dog and then throws the tapes across the room.
He then goes back to shuffling the paper that is set in front of him.
"You know, for the record it takes a pretty insane guy to throw evidence away in court. Me discarding the evidence IS evidence to me being Locos!! Just an FYI,"
"Mr Loco, there is a difference between someone being mentally insane and simply uneducated and rash,"
"Your highness, have you heard of the phrase 'Insanely Stupid'?"
"Yes."
Ojo Loco looks up from his shuffled paper, confused.
"So..
d- doesn't that just prove that I'm ins-?"
"No,"
"You can't interrupt me in court, jackass,"
"You can't swear in court,"
"I swore to tell nothing but the truth when I walked in here, so try again, fucko!"
"Ojo Loco!
Do you have any more pieces of evidence for the court?"
Ojo Loco adjusts his crooked glasses and wobbles to the center of the room. He clears his throat.
"I present to you a witness to my insanity. Introducing: Jared! My cameraman!
P- put the camera dow- okay,"
The camera is placed securely onto a seat and then Jared calmly walks onto the stand. Ojo Loco shuffles some more paper and points at Jared.
"What evidence do you have that I am insane, Jared?"
Ojo Loco smirks smugly as Jared pulls out an envelope and begins to read the 3 documents within.
"'Ojo Loco muy Loco. That is Spanish for the most insane. He has.. he has do so many insane things to me and other people who could not he bere today'. He bere? Wha-..
'One very insane he's done is what he will do to Ultimate Extremo this upcoming Metal. Ultimo Extremo is a stupid bastard who's not even insane and can't dodge my insane punches and insane elbows and my other insane body parts. I will make fun of his extended family.
Ojo Loco my loco. That is spani-'
Loco, this is the same page 3 times."
"Your majesty, I'd like you to forget he said that,"
"No."
"Shut up,"
"Why do you always use size 40 font?"
"Shut up!!
Geez!
Okay, then I call my second witness. My opponent for the Luchabowl Finals! Ultimo Extremo!!"
The judges all look at the entrance to the courtroom and are perplexed as the door stays completely shut. Ojo Loco shuffles his paper some more and by the time the judges look back to Jared, he's wearing a luchador mask.
"It is Iiiii~ Ultimo Extremo!
I am so scared of Ojo Loco's insaneness. He will beat me at The Luchabowl finals. I, while luchador with a luchador wife and a nice, healthy family that do luchador things accept that Ojo Loco is not only insane, but the best luchador alive,"
"See, your grace? That's a tested mony right there!!
You don't understand how badly I'm gonna destroy this Ultimo Extremo guy! His poor family aren't gonna recognise him when I'm through with him!
...
E- except if they saw his mask like..
b- but I'd beat up his mask too!
Literally!! My insaneness will cause me to bludgeon that guy! I will take the whole fucking tur- turnbuckle!! I'll just pick it up, all of it, out of the ring-! And I'll throw the-! I-!
It's gonna be fricked! Trust me, I will destroy that Ultimato Extremo.
That makes me insane. Because I'd have to be insane to think I might NOT win and therefore, 'cause I'm worried I am-!!
Completely.. insane,"
Ojo Loco clears his throat once again and shuffles the paper, looking more upset this time. He looks the Judge straight in the eye and silently rages at the deadpaness within.
"Mr Loco, that will likely all happen in a wrestling ring. Which is all legal. Doing your job is not insane.
You will have to have proper medical evidence in order for us to override the-"
"And I do!!!
Ha! I do!!"
Ojo Loco quickly runs and slams his hand down on the stand, mere inches away from the judges.
"You guys are Ultimo Extremo's, ya know?
Perfect, disgusting little cockroaches and you see a person like me, someone that's great, someone that tries hard to STAY great and you just have ruin my efforts just because!!
Because that's your job! That's what you do!
Ultimo Extremo is a luchador as luchadors get. He doesn't need this Luchabowl tournament, he's got the perfect luchador life.
I NEED to win that. I have something to prove.
And I will prove it.
Just like how I'm gonna prove that I'm insane.
When I call upon my last witness.
My therapist, Dr Hob."
Ojo Loco shifts, triumphantly, pointing to the door as if it's a sign of victory as Dr Hob awkwardly enters the room and slowly shuffles his average frame behind the same desk Jared was behind.
He taps the table awkwardly and then raises his head to face the judges.
"This man is not insane,"
"OH, COME ON!!"
"He is a very distressed individual, who's gone through a lot of hardships. But- but he is improving. He is becoming a functional member of society."
"Your Excellency, there is a piece of evidence Dr Hob is not mentioning,"
"Which is?"
"I hate him,"
"Proceed, Doctor,"
"I-..
My colleagues and I believe that Mr Cunningham only wishes to be considered insane to intimidate his wrestling opponents. He's otherwise completely sane and all evidence of him being "insane" is merely him pretending,"
"Oh! He used my real name!! I didn't give him permission to do that!!
Ya goofed up there, General Hob. Send him to jail,"
"You didn't give us your real name at the start? You're not Hector Cereal-John?
So- what is your actual name?"
Ojo Loco let's out small noise of annoyance, and then shuffles his paper so more. He tries to walk up to the judges in a relaxed way and then takes a scrambled ball of paper and tosses it to them before walking back to his seat, all chill like.
The judge unscrambles the paper and then reads it.
"Sir, your friend Travis not knowing your secret identity is no reason to give a fake ID in Court,"
"Oh my gosh, you guys suck-"
"This is a fake ID, yes?"
"Not exactly!! I have two passports, I got a fake one from my brother when I first became insane."
"And, where are these "passports"?"
"I don't know,"
The judge lets out a final growl of annoyance and lazily pushes their hair of their face. Ojo Loco has returned to his seat and sits their, firm, determined look on his face. And angry. Oh, so very angry.
"Mr Cunningham, this has been a complete waste of time.
Your evidence is null and void.
Your witnesses are either clearly manipulated or completely contradictory to your plea."
"Oh no.. oh no, no, no-"
"Sir!!"
Ojo Loco's upset eyes reluctantly raise, like a child being scolded. His pout is ignored as the judge raises his head in order to be more concrete and decisive.
"You. Are. Not. Insane.
Leave this courtroom,"
"No.."
"Leave, Loco,"
"No.."
"This is over-"
"No...."
"It's not bad being sane-"
"We have reached our verd-"
"No...!"
"Why do you even want to be insa-?"
"Just leave, Wi-"
"No.. no.... no...!"
"Our decision is final, Mr Cunningham,"
"It's not ba-"
"Why are you shuffling blank pieces of paper?"
"No!"
"You're not insane!"
"You're not insane."
"You're not insane-"
"ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT!! I'M NOT!!
...
Can you guys shut about it already?!
G- gosh..!"
Ojo Loco removes his glasses quickly and holds his head in his hands in annoyance.
His quite loco hands are shaking. The crazy yellow and black gloves he has on, and the flames stickers connecting to it, are dug firmly into the sides of Ojo Loco's head as the large man kicks the bottom of his table in annoyance.
The judges can be heard leaving the room. One set of footsteps get louder, however. Loco turns to face Dr Hob, sat next to him.
"Hey..
Why do you want to be insane? I know you have a tough match in your luchador career coming up. Why can't you just be sane for that match?"
Ojo Loco lets out a growl, and finally allows his face to rise.
"..It's how wrestling works.
Every time I'm calm, happy or "sane" I get stuff taken from me. I suffer losses. Humiliation. Pain.
And I couldn't forget all of that.
So I stayed angry. Even at the smallest annoyance I stayed angry. Even at something dumb like someone liking Limp Bizkit.
Because-..
My Korean-Romanian step father had a saying.
'A man scorned is a man prepared to scorn,'
And that.. that is correct.
I have a mountain of shit to decapitated this week. The finals of the luchador tournament, against the most luchador luchador to ever fricking-!!
Ultimo Extremo isn't worried about this like I am. He's got nothing to prove.
But I do.
I have to prove, at the end of all of this, md being the most horrific, insane, angry, gigantic luchador has been worth it.
I have to win the Luchabowl.
I have to be insane to do that.
And trust me, your honour.
I'll eat the entirety of Las Vegas before I let that grimy schmuk, Ultimo Extremo, beat me.
Suprise octopus."
Dr Hob pauses for a minute. He turns his body 180 degrees a looks into the far left corner of the Courtroom. A small acquariam, on wheels, is sitting there. An adult sized octopus is inside.
"Why didn't you bring that up during court?"
"I forgot it was there,"
"Okay, Ojo Loco. I think I understand you now.
Case dismissed, I guess."
"Court's over huh?"
"Yeah.
Yeah, it's all over."
"That means I can finally do this.
JARED, YOU STUPID, FUCKING SHITHEAD YOU RUINED EVERY-FUCKING-THIN-!"
