Post by Breezy on Jul 13, 2020 17:52:38 GMT -5
The sweet, sweet forkful of the sausage was inches nay centimetres from my lips. I had been longing for this bite of food since I woke up this morning. And then it happened. Why are my meals always getting interrupted? Like c'mon, I was just trying to enjoy the Grand Slam breakfast from this little diner by my house named Denny's
DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT FREEDOM?
I heard the shrill voice and knew instantly what was happening. A Karen? In the wild? I couldn't believe my luck. The poor girl at the front door looked mortified as she tried to get the woman to leave.
I'M NOT LEAVING! I CAN EAT HERE IF I WANT TO. I TALKED TO MY LAWYER BEFORE COMING HERE!
The worker said something that I couldn't catch even over the silence of the restaurant. But the woman flew off the handle. She went apeshit.
I'M NOT WEARING A FUCKING MASK! I'M NOT A SHEEP! I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION!
And there it was. The comment that I just couldn't ignore. What is it with Americans and masks? Next thing I knew I was headed to the front of the restaurant.
Get your hands off of her.
I say calmly to the woman who was trying to push her way in. She turns to me and I see the disdain her eyes for me.
LOOK AT YOU! KING OF THE SHEEPLE!
I can't help but laugh. King of the sheeple? Me? Chalupa de Guerra? Pfft! It would be so easy to grab the woman and remove her. The truth is that I want to dropkick her ass out of the building. But I refrain from such drastic measures.
Listen, My name is Chalupa de Guerra. I have worn this mask for the last 20 years. I assure you putting on a mask for twenty minutes will not be the death of you. But this America. You are free to wear a mask or not but if you're not going to wear a mask then you can-
The irate woman cuts me off.
GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!
After years of therapy, I have learned that most issues can be worked out with words. This is not one of those issues. Without even thinking I lift the woman up and hoist her over my shoulder. I march straight across the street. I do not hesitate as screeching breaks can be heard all around me. Once on the other side, I open the metal gate separating the Motel 6 swimming pool from the street. I walk to the edge of the pool and hurl the woman in.
-5 Days Later-
12 million views. The video of me chucking that woman into the pool went viral. What a whirlwind the last five days have been. I have been featured on CNN, Fox News, The Tonight Show and no I am staring into my computer screen looking at Sean Evans of Hot Ones fame. We eat chicken wings and he asks me questions about my career. Each wing is supposed to be hotter than the last, but my tongue is unaffected. We approach the final wing and he finally asks about the woman and the pool. Beads of sweat form on Sean's forehead. Me? I'm as cool as a cucumber.
Chalupa the video with the anti-masker has blown up! Talk to us about that moment and what life has been like since.
I use the napkin to dab the corners of my lips. I take one swig of milk. Not because the wings are hot but because my throat has become parched from all the talking.
Sean, I have worn a mask for over twenty years. In Lucha a mask is an integral part of who you are. Putting on this mask every day is an honor. But it isn't just luchadors that wear masks. Society celebrates mask wearers from all different walks of life. Doctors and nurses wear masks. My dentist, Dr. Ellis, wears a mask. Batman and Superman wear masks. Firefighters don't scream about freedom before they run into a burning building. They put on a mask and save lives. My nail tech Viv wears one when I go for a mani and pedi. But Americans-
I stop myself before casting all Americans as Karens.
Some Americans have sought to cast masks in a negative light. You've seen the videos, Sean. They yell at retail workers who want them to put a mask on. They make these long whiny ass videos on Youtube about how their oxygen is being cut off or that breathing in their own mouth funk is going to kill them. I've had it, Sean! I have done everything in this mask. I have wrestled thousands of matches with this mask on. I have devoured chicken wings on your show with it on. I have even bedded countless women while wearing this mask. If I can make hours and hours of sweet, passionate, sweaty love while wearing a mask than Karen can put on her damn mask for 20 minutes while she is getting her food. And that is why I threw her in the pool. I'm done with masks being disparaged. I am setting out to Make Masks Great Again!
I can't stop my hands from finding my hips and striking a superhero pose. Sean claps and goes into the closing of the show. He asks me what I have going on and where the people could find me.
The fans can always find me on the Twitter as well as on the website Make Masks Great Again dot net. I will also be wrestling in the Lucha Bowl Showdown on Netflix. You can check out the first round of the tournament right now. If you think throwing some middle aged woman in a pool was impressive then your socks will be knocked off by what I can do in the ring. Now I must warn the fans, things did not go as planned for Chalupa de Guerra in the first round. I lost a noble fight to Hurrican Mas Sexy. But I will redeem myself this Monday night and I will be victorious in Battle Royale. That is the Chalupa guarantee.
The Chalupa guarantee? What the fuck is that? I was nervous, okay. And if I am being honest my tongue is slightly burning from that last wing. I exchange pleasantries with Sean and then close the laptop. The other camera, APW's, is to my right. I turn to them and take a bow.
Who knew that throwing some lady in a pool would make me even more famous? But it did. My fame is in a different echelon than it was even last week. But don't worry, fame hasn't gone to my head. This video going viral has been a nice distraction but my attention has been trained on what happened last week. There was never any doubt that it was going to be a tough match. I looked into this camera last week and said that it was going to take a lot to beat Hurican Mas Sexy. But I believed that I would do it. There were plenty of opportunities in the match but I could not capitalize on any of them. Chalupa lost. God, I wanted that win.
Disappointment is a wound that takes a long time to heal. I shake my head as I leave the room. Next to the art of lovemaking, the best distraction for me is a good workout. I had a speed ball installed a while ago and I guess now is as good of a time as any to put it to use. Oh yeah! That first punch felt fucking fantastic. I hit it a second and third time. I wonder to myself if I can cut this promo while punching the ball. Yessir, Chalupa's got it.
You might be wondering what's next for Chalupa de Guerra? Do I become the face of the anti-anti-masker movement? Do I cash in on this moment of internet fame and sign a book deal? Maybe I should start a daily vlog on the YouTubers? I was even offered an ungodly amount of money to shoot a nudie video. Maybe I go that route? Or maybe I do what I was born to do, and wrestle?
I stop punching the speed ball and move to the heavy bag. Body shot, body shot, left hook, and then the haymaker.
Chalupa de Guerra belongs in the ring and that is where he will be tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I will enter into the Luchas Battle Royale and I will win. Losing to Hurican Mas Sexy might have cost me the opportunity to become Lucha Bowl Champion, but I have lost belts before. You can either feel bad for yourself or you can dust your mask off and get back to work. Chalupa de Guerra is going back to work.
I follow up with a few more shots to the punching bag.
Look, Amigos, I wasn't born yesterday. I know that winning the battle royale is not going to be a walk in the park. La Princesa de Oro will be there. That chick is small but she can pack a punch. I took a shot from her a few years back that I'm still feeling. Soul Reaver will most likely be there. How do you throw someone that big over the top rope? El Gran Sol is great. Coyote shit the bed last week but he usually brings it. And then there is The Great Miko. Miko and Chalupa have never tangoed before but I have heard stories of her. She is swift. She is fierce. She just may be the greatest threat to Chalupa being named winner of the battle royale. But I am not scared of Niko or Princesa. I am not fearful of Soul Reaver. I laugh in the face of Coyote and El Gran Sol. I can do all this because I have faced the most terrifying force in the world. The anti-masker Karen. If I can defeat her then I can defeat.
I pause for dramatic affect.
Anyone.
I nod at the cameraman and go back to my workout.
