Post by Breezy on Jul 5, 2020 21:06:50 GMT -5
Welcome to Taco Bell! Take a look at the menu and order when you are ready.
Yes, I will have the Chalupa de Guerra. Please.
Silence fills the air and I am left wondering if the young woman heard me. Soon the speaker crackles to life.
I am sorry sir but we don't have that. We do have the Chalupa Supreme.
THE CHALUPA SUPREME?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU!!!! Chalupa Supreme was my greatest rival! And offer his chalupa to me? We battled for ten years. HE gets an item named for him but I, La Chalupa de Guerra, get nothing? This is a travesty. Did my defeat of that no good fiend mean nothing to you?
Sir, I just work here. You can talk to the manager if you are upset.
I am upset! And rightfully so. But do not fetch your manager. I will not be having a chaulpa supreme. I would rather eat cat shit that something named off that dastardly bastard.
My chest rises with indignation. It's not the first time this has happened. Why does it affect me so much?
But I will have a Baja Blast.
Okay. One Baja Blast. I'll have your total at the window.
I pull forward and collect the most delicious of all beverages that man has ever created. For years I have survived on Topo Chico and Baja Blast. I pull into a parking spot and shoot a blast of Baja down my throat. A long, audible 'Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.' leaves my body. I tried to suppress it but there is nothing I can do. Baja Blast is just so damn good. I decide that it is time to acknowledge the camera that occupies the front seat of my 1994 Toyota Celica
Sup' amigo.
Turning left I head towards the studio where I will record the rest of the days promo. I arrive twenty minutes later and am pleased to find the crew is ready for me. The setting is simple but I hope that it will be effective. It will be me, stationary, a pen, and a desk. After changing into my wrestling uniform I return to the desk and take my place behind the desk.
Hola! Yo soy Chalupa de Guerra. People have told me that I am the greatest Luchador in the world. If the people say it they must be right. These are very smart people. Maybe even the smartest people in the world. But there are people out there, muy stupid people, who do not see the facts that the rest of us do. Today, I will address those fools using a forgotten form of communication, letter writing. First, we send a letter to a wrestling publication that has ignored the greatness of Chalupa de Guerra.
I clear my throat and then put the pen to the top of the paper. I read each word as the ink spills to the paper.
Dear Wrestling Inspector Online. It is I, Chalupa de Guerra, and I have grave concerns about an article posted on your very boring, and very ugly, website. On June 27th a so called journalist from your site listed the 25 best Luchadors in the world. It is ludicrous that I did not make the Top 10 and it is practically a crime that I was not on the list at all! It is no surprise to me that your magazine is struggling to survive. With shoddy journalism like this you expose yourself as uneducated organization. How could you keep Chalupa off of your list? How could you not include the man who has won 17 championships in the Tijuana Lucha League? Do you not respect the TLL? I have won over 1000 matches and was once voted World's Best Lucha Libre by the ARUP! Does that not mean anything to you? After years of bad writing I am finally done with your magazine. Please cancel my subscription. Thanks, not thanks. Chalupa de Guerra.
I fold the letter up and place it into a envelope. I push it to the side and then gather up another piece of paper.
This next one will be my greatest rival, Chalupa Supreme.
I clear my throat again.
Dear Chalupa Not So Supreme. You suck. Love always, The Real Chalupa!
I can't help but smile as I fold the letter up as well. I grab another piece of paper and begin talking.
Taco Time, I recently received confirmation that you will not be considering me to be the new face of your establishment. I must admit that I am very disappointed by your choice. I eat at your restaurant, no less than eight times per week and I feel that I could help expand your customer base. I have over 300 Twitter followers and my Instagram is home to countless pictures of your grilled chicken burritos. Please reconsider. I would hate to take my business to Taco Maker. And you know that I will. Love Chalupa de Guerra.
Another envelope is filled as I reach for the last paper. The nib touches the paper but I hesitate. I wonder aloud if a letter is the best means for the spread of this message. I decide that it is not and I stand up from behind the table. I hoist my foot up onto the table. My loins are stretched to their max but I feel that it is always important to find a power stance in moments like this. I look ahead to the camera crew and talk in a deep, low voice.
Hurican Mas Sexy. That last sheet of paper was for you, but after mucho consideration I am worried that you may not even be able to read it. So instead I will say it here and now.
Without thinking I lower my body and accentuate the stretch.
Hurican Mas Sexy I have been a Luchador for more than half of my life. Chalupa de Guerre is a name uttered in reverence near the Lucha ring. But as the years have passed I find myself being over looked for people like you. Sexy you have the pizzazz that these ADHD riddled fans seek. You strut around the Lucha ring like a pollo. You thrust your hips and the las mujeres scream. These fans love you. You are Hurican Mas Sexy. The children have your action figure,t he men want to be with you and the women want to do the horizontal tango with you. But the hype escapes me.
My foot is quickly losing circulation so I lower it from the table and attempt to walk to the front of the desk.
“Sexy, maybe I am just an old, bitter man, but I do not understand why fans of Lucha libre would like to see piss on it? Lucha libre is not about sex appeal. Lucha Libre isn’t about pelvis thrusting and cha cha. Lucha libre is about two man, mano y mano battling for victory. Lucha is more than sexy hurricanes. But Hurican as you have been lifted to the top of Lucha Libre I have been left behind. There have been many times where I thought of taking this mask off for good. If you are what Lucha has become than I want no part of it.
I sit down on the edge of the desk and it immediately starts to tilt. Fortunately, I am able to sturdy the desk up before I fall on my ass.
“But then I was called to participate in this tournament and I knew that would be the perfect opportunity for Chalupa de Guerra to once again become top luchador. This would be my chance to expose you, Sexy, for a fraud. For two nights I had dreams of defeating you in the finale to win the Lucha Bowl Championship. I dreamt of the collective jaw of Lucha dropping as Hurican Mas Sexy is defeated by Chalupa de Guerra, the old dog, the Warboat. Unfortunately, we will not meet in the finale. Instead it is the first match. But Hurican Mas Sexy I will still have my opportunity to restore honor to Lucha. I will still have the opportunity to stop the Sexy Hurricane before it ruins the sport that I love. And that is what Chalupe de Guerra will do in this tournament. I will spare Lucha from Hurican Mas Sexy and I will become Lucha Bowl Champion.
And with that I am done. I pull my hand across my throat and wait for the camera to stop recording. I remove my mask and sit down at the table.
How was it? Any good?
Another envelope is filled as I reach for the last paper. The nib touches the paper but I hesitate. I wonder aloud if a letter is the best means for the spread of this message. I decide that it is not and I stand up from behind the table. I hoist my foot up onto the table. My loins are stretched to their max but I feel that it is always important to find a power stance in moments like this. I look ahead to the camera crew and talk in a deep, low voice.
Hurican Mas Sexy. That last sheet of paper was for you, but after mucho consideration I am worried that you may not even be able to read it. So instead I will say it here and now.
Without thinking I lower my body and accentuate the stretch.
Hurican Mas Sexy I have been a Luchador for more than half of my life. Chalupa de Guerre is a name uttered in reverence near the Lucha ring. But as the years have passed I find myself being over looked for people like you. Sexy you have the pizzazz that these ADHD riddled fans seek. You strut around the Lucha ring like a pollo. You thrust your hips and the las mujeres scream. These fans love you. You are Hurican Mas Sexy. The children have your action figure,t he men want to be with you and the women want to do the horizontal tango with you. But the hype escapes me.
My foot is quickly losing circulation so I lower it from the table and attempt to walk to the front of the desk.
“Sexy, maybe I am just an old, bitter man, but I do not understand why fans of Lucha libre would like to see piss on it? Lucha libre is not about sex appeal. Lucha Libre isn’t about pelvis thrusting and cha cha. Lucha libre is about two man, mano y mano battling for victory. Lucha is more than sexy hurricanes. But Hurican as you have been lifted to the top of Lucha Libre I have been left behind. There have been many times where I thought of taking this mask off for good. If you are what Lucha has become than I want no part of it.
I sit down on the edge of the desk and it immediately starts to tilt. Fortunately, I am able to sturdy the desk up before I fall on my ass.
“But then I was called to participate in this tournament and I knew that would be the perfect opportunity for Chalupa de Guerra to once again become top luchador. This would be my chance to expose you, Sexy, for a fraud. For two nights I had dreams of defeating you in the finale to win the Lucha Bowl Championship. I dreamt of the collective jaw of Lucha dropping as Hurican Mas Sexy is defeated by Chalupa de Guerra, the old dog, the Warboat. Unfortunately, we will not meet in the finale. Instead it is the first match. But Hurican Mas Sexy I will still have my opportunity to restore honor to Lucha. I will still have the opportunity to stop the Sexy Hurricane before it ruins the sport that I love. And that is what Chalupe de Guerra will do in this tournament. I will spare Lucha from Hurican Mas Sexy and I will become Lucha Bowl Champion.
And with that I am done. I pull my hand across my throat and wait for the camera to stop recording. I remove my mask and sit down at the table.
How was it? Any good?
