Post by Breezy on Jul 3, 2020 8:26:52 GMT -5
SPEAK NO LOCOS
Beneath the depths of human insanity, underneath the dregs of all common thought and morality lay Ojo Loco.
Luchador, fighter, maniac. These titles where accurate but did nothing to affect the luchador in question. And while one could attempt to dive deep into the psychology, the past and the makings of Ojo Loco, that would be a waste of time.
After all, it's a common saying that some men simply want to see the world burn. But Ojo Loco wants so much more than that.
He wants to hear the world burn.
Wants to smell the world burn.
Wants to feel the world burn.
And judging by his current position, he also wants some Burger King.
Yes, Ojo Loco can be seen in a shoddy van, equally as shoddy camera zooming into his hilariously overdressed face. His ring gear is covered in flames, with words like "Locos!" and "Crazy!" and honestly just those two words.
Judging by the heaps of orange and white crayon forced onto the skin tight attire, as well as the giant google-searched images of fire (that are still water marked) as well as some of the most terrifying word art in the history of eyesight, Ojo Loco is not messing around.
He's also not completely in character.
"And so that's the reason I passed out. Superkicks aren't- I don't like them so when I saw him do it I just flopped onto them. I'm gonna need some space before-"
"We're recording,"
"Oh-! Crap!
It is I!! Ojos Locos! The craziest Luchador in the world!! Soon I shall enter the APW Lucha Tournament!! Where I shall face the Coyote Muerto!!
Can I defeat such a man?!! Err.. woman?! Such a-.. what's the word with the...
Matador?"
"You just said it,"
"Coyote?"
"Luchado-"
"Luchadors! Yes! I'm so crazy I forgot words on purpose! Because all I need!! Is pain!! I'm a matador!"
"Masochist,"
"Same thing!
Muerto Coyote? You aren't crazy enough to defeat me! You aren't built to survive the pain caused by my pain-hands!
I can hit you with my pain punch! My pain.. crunch! My- my pain hunch, that's- don't know what that is- but you know I have a variety of painful, destructive strikes that will break your puny, probably very sane body!!
Don't believe me?
Watch!! Hahaha!!! Locos!!"
Ojo Loco starts laughing magically as the camera moves to the side. The outside of the window can be seen. At the moment it's just a brick wall.
"What? Where is the-.."
"There's still two cars in front,"
The camera shifts showing what is indeed two humble vehicles ahead, one placing their order into the drive-thru of the Burger King.
"Oh, is there?"
"Yup,"
"Darnit..."
Ojo Loco sits back into his seat and the car starts to become silent.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..hmm..."
"What was that shit?"
"I was yawning,"
"Oh,"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"I used to time stuff like this,"
"..."
"Like, if the people took longer than a minute I'd write down their number thing,"
"Then what?"
"I'd throw it away,"
"The licence plate?"
"The car,"
"How?"
"What?"
"How would you throw the car away?"
"I'd throw it."
"How?"
"What do you mean "how?" I'm Ojos Locos,"
"Ojo Loco."
"Wha-? Shut up!!"
"No,"
"Yeah!! Yeah, you do- do, do that! Do it. Shut up. I'm an insane luchador,"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Hmm?"
"What?"
"Did you say something?"
"No,"
"Okay...
Good."
"..."
"That pleases me. You shutting up.
You,"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"We're coming up now."
"What?"
"Burger King. You said you wanted to be "crazy at Burger King" before. Intimidatiom factor for the tourney. Because your Ojo Loco?"
"Oh-! Insane time! Let's go!! Drive! Drive, idiot-o!!"
Ojo Loco sits, barely containing his excitement as they roll up to the ordering window of the Burger King. The camera is placed to the side, showing the BK employee's unknowing face as he asks:
"Hello, can I take your order?"
The camera whips across, changing direction lightning fast to show Ojo Locos completely consumed face. His grin is wide and inhuman through sheer elation as he let's out a giant cackle and begins to shout.
"I ORDER-!!!
Are you recording?"
"Yeah,"
"I ORDER A BIG MAC YOU FUCKING MORON!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!
YOU FUCKING-! YOU-! YOU GUY!! I-! HAHAHAHAH!! FROM MCDONALDS! HAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
DRIVE!! DRIVER, AWAY!! MWAHAA! MWAHA!! D- DR-
Drive.
...
Why aren't you driving?"
"Two cars still in front of us,"
Ojo Loco stares forward, clearly looking at the same two humble automobiles that ate in the middle of both receiving and paying for their order. Taking a long, long time.
Ojo Loco lets out a sigh. He closes his eyes shut in frustration and slowly leans on his elbow, face clearly showing that he's thinking of many, many aggressive words.
The camera switches back around at a speed much slower than lightning, to the Burger King.
"Did you do that on purpose-"
"Yes!! I did!!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"This is Burger King,"
"I know!! I'm insane! I did that on purpose! I'm Ojos Locos. Locos! Insane!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"So you ask for the wrong thing at Burger King?"
"Yeah. You didn't expect it!! I'm inpredict- unpreti- you can't predict me!!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...People have probably ordered-"
"Yeah, people have ordered the wrong thing from Burger King, before,"
"Not on purpose!"
"Yeah but-..
what?"
"I'm insane!! This solidifies that! So, in my luchador language, why don't you SUCK ONE, SHITTY-O!?!?"
Ojo Loco whacks the dash of the Locomobile.
The second car in front is busy talking to their respective employee, pointing at the milkshake in their hand.
Seems they've gotten their order wrong.
The camera turns back toward the Burger King Employee.
"Do you wanna order anything?"
The camera turns back to Ojo Loco as he let's out a sigh.
"Yes."
--
SEE NO LOCOS
--
"It wasn't that insane."
"Yeah it was!! Was weird!!
"It was weird, just not "crazy" more boring, honestly,"
"Well, so what?! I've done a lot of Loco lately-.. I gave money into a hobo gift hat! I-!"
"You mean you gave money to a homeless guy?"
"Yeah. Locos."
"You're supposed to give them money."
"If they don't give their money away, how come they're hobos?"
"Personal financial issues, probably. It's a cruel world, sometimes it's just bad luck..."
"Oh.. oh... well, now I feel empathetic!! UnLoco! This was supposed to be my main display of craziness before The Lucha Tournament!"
The cameraman let's out a noise of indecision and the camera finally faces upward to show Ojo Loco lying across 3 chairs at the same time, in what appears to be an opticians waiting room.
"How long?"
"I said I dunno,"
"When in the fuck-?!"
"I made a noise! Like an:" The cameraman makes the same noise of indecision once again.
"Shut up!" Ojo whisper shouts.
About 4 more minutes passes with Ojo awkwardly looking around the room, occasionally re-adjusting himself and basically just doing very boring, average acts any human does.
But with insane twists.
Instead of scratching his chin, he scrapes his chin.
Instead of rubbing his eyes he grinds his hands over his eyes.
Instead of humming he makes sounds while also having his mouth closed.
These are 100% locos acts and definetly not just simple and mundane actions that have synonyms of the regular doing words to make them seem different.
It's crazy. Very crazy.
Very...
...
Ojo Loco let's out a growl, seemingly more aware of his current facade. His right hand zooms to the back of his head, underneath his lucha mask. He starts grasping at the back of his head furiously, making quite a large noise.
A minute later, he stops. He shows his hand to the camera. It's got a bit of blood on it. Crazy blood.
"Jared, look,"
"A-.. what the crap is that, man? You really need to take better care of yourself, that was needless,"
"No! It wasn't! I have a scar that's from- well, it doesn't matter where! But this pain stuff is easy!!
That's the thing about El Coyote Muerto or whatever his name is. He's a coyote! He's a feral animal purely because that's what he is.
Me? I do this stuff by choice!! That's how locos I am!! I'm a master of this crazy mat- lucha thingy thing!! You're just some.. animal from.. I dunno where from.
Look at me. In an eye hospital!!
You think they let coyotes and wolves into specsavers? I don't think so!! You have to sneak the wild animals in after they close, idiotø!"
"...They're probably not actually a coyote.."
Ojo Loco just stares at the camera again, looking very displeased. Before he can argue back a door opens.
"Mr Cunningham?" A very professional voice says calmly. Ojo Loco gives an embarrassed look and the feed cuts.
--
After a brief cut the camera feed re-opens with Ojo Loco sitting rather uncomfortably onto an actually decently looking couch. Ojo Loco mumbles something about not liking the various equipment before the doctor comes in.
Ojo Loco gives a knowing look to the camera.
"Ah.. so.. Mr. Cunningham. You've come for a basic eye checkup?"
"No!" Loco shouts.
The doctor raises his head slowly and the camera zooms in on Ojo's face.
"I came for a teeth checkup!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
SUPRISE OCTOPUS!!"
Ojo Loco stands up and opens a closet at the back of the room, pulling out a household acquriam with a small octopus inside. Laughing maniacally all the way.
"I've not come here for a checkup!! I'll never need assistance!! There's nothing more manly and crazy than having various untreated medical issues!! Hahahahaha!!
That's what I'm gonna cause to you this tournament, Coyote of Muertos!!"
"That's not their na-"
"Whether I'm in an APW ring! Or an opt- opid- o-..
Optic-..
Op-..
What's the fucking..?"
"It says. On that pamphlet," The cameraman says.
"My- my point was I'm crazy! Which makes me a good fighter. That was- that was my underlying point.
...
What sign?"
Ojo looks turns around, confusion taking hold. He snatches the pamphlet and squints his eyes.
"...op-..
What is this midgety piece of shit-?!"
Ojo Loco growls to himself and his right hand reaches up behind his mask again. He leans into it like a dog, as the doctor slowly moves past him. The octopus just octopuses for various seconds, next to Ojo Loco, before the doctor comes back into frame with some paper.
It has multiple letters. Decreasing in size as they move further down the page.
"Mr Cunningham, what do you see here?"
Ojo Loco raises his head. Squints his eyes extremely hard.
Eventually he leans forward, and speaks, in a not very Loco way.
"You mean the blurry lines?"
The camera feed cuts.
--
HEAR NO LOCOS
--
Ojo Loco sits in a crappy, abandoned house. His flamed mask is muddied, his lucha MMA gloves are not as intimidating and, most notably, there's a nice pair of glasses sitting on his face.
"I-..
Well, it seems like.. fucking people being pussies and giving me nerd glasses have ironically been the thing to cripple my Locos.
There...
There is no glasses in wrestling though! I'll have to take them off before I get into the ring!!
And then-!! Coyote! You'll know what truly makes me Locos!! And that is-!!
..
M-..
My.. locosness?
Fuck!! Cut the stupid-.. video already..."
The camer's pointed down. The cameraman lets out a chuckle.
"It's ironic.
Ojo Loco, Crazy eyes, isn't that crazy and has bad eyes. Heh.."
"Ojos means eye?"
"Yeah, what did you think it.."
Ojo Loco turns around. The shot shifts to doom in on the aquarium-ed octopus chilling beside Ojo.
"You're stupid, you know that?"
"...EVERYTIME I PRETEND TO BE A LUCHADOR I FUCKING-!!"
"Don't break my camera!"
The camera is flown into the air and then lands with a sound of breaking glass.
The feed, understandably, sensibly and remarkably sanely, ends.
