Cult of No Personality

Steven Osbourne walks into a bar. It sounds like the set up to a bad joke but no it actually happened. This particular bar happens to be completely empty. Steven slides into the booth in the darker corner of the bar and waits. Veronica Anderson walks in a minute later gliding into the seat across from Steven. Osbourne leans in and whispers.



Osbourne: I'm not wearing any underwear.



Anderson: Why exactly would I need to know that?



Osbourne: You said you wanted a secret meeting. That's a secret, right?



Anderson: One I wish you hadn't shared yes. Steven, we need to have a serious discussion.



Osbourne: If it's about those speak out allegations that wasn't me! He may have looked like me but I'll already been cleared!



Anderson: I know that! I wouldn't associate with someone that sleazy.



Osbourne: Thanks Ronnie! Saying I'm not sleazy is a huge compliment!



Anderson: I said you weren't that sleazy.. Nevermind.. we have serious business to discuss..



Osbourne: Does it involve my hotel room?



Anderson: No! The fact you would think that is why we met in public instead of your hotel room however.



Steven shrugs.



Osbourne: Can't blame a guy for trying. So what's up Ronnie?



Anderson: Don't call me Ronnie. As you know Masada Judei is getting a world title match this week at Bulletproof.



Osbourne: That's bullshit. I pinned his ass clean as a cheat. I mean sheet.



Steven grins knowing that would get under Masada's skin.



Osbourne: If someone deserves that title shot it's me.



Anderson: Finally something we agree on. But they aren't giving you the world title shot you deserve because you're North American champion.



Osbourne: That's bullshit too! Did you call this meeting just so I would be good and pissed off for my match this week?



Anderson: Not exactly. See.. if you weren't North American champion I believe I could get you a world title shot. So that means we need to do something about that now don't we? Steven.. I need you to throw your match this week.



Osbourne: Match fixing? What do you think this is pro boxing?



Anderson: Just thinking of taking a dive as another form of cheating. We all know Judei is going to win the world title and if you lose the North American Title I can position you into getting a world title shot. Your first world title shot in over a year in APW.



Osbourne: No way!



Anderson: Let me get this straight.. you are against throwing a wrestling match?



Osbourne: Nope.. I'd do that.



Anderson: Then what's the problem.



Osbourne: If I was facing Odin Balfore for the North American Title.. I'd throw the match. If I was facing Z Mac, I'd throw the match. L Verez.. I'd drop the match. Even if I was facing John Blade I'd lay down and allow him the pin.



Anderson: So why not?



Osbourne: Because I'm joking! You think I'd lose this match on purpose? If I did that I would be no better then Mister Fake His Own Death myself.



Anderson: He got rewarded with a world title match I'll have you know.



Osbourne: But even if I was just going to hand over the North American Championship do you really think I'd lose it .. to freaking America Jackson? For a number of reasons. A large number of reasons. First off.. I've spent over a year trying to get a world title shot. I've come on television and demanded one. I've defeated numerous former world champions like Smith Jones and Masada Judei. I was junior heavyweight champion of the year. I've held four titles.. two junior heavyweight championships and two North American championships. In spite of all that.. I've never so much as gotten a number one contenders match. Then along comes America Jackson who comes out and demands a North American title match.. and instantly gets one. He must have red, white, and blew Irina to get that shot because he certainly didn't earn it!



Anderson: Real classy Steven.



Steven ignores her. He's on a roll now.


Osbourne: One victory! He's won one singles match.. against that Guru of Grabass guy whoever he is. John Blade is going to be remembered for longer then Clay and that's your one win Jackson? Real fucking impressive. Jordi Trash has won more matches then you! When Trash or Vonn Richter deserve a title shot more then you.. that means you really don't deserve a championship opportunity. You can't even say you're undefeated. Sarah Lacklin knocked you off last week. So what exactly do you have that makes you worthy to go against the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer? You got nothing! You are nothing! It's an insult! I'm an APW original. I've been here since the beginning and faced everyone who's ever been on the roster who's worth anything. Now I'm facing America Jackson. Sorry to inform you he's not worth anything. Last month I beat Isaac Cooke and Mike Mathews to earn a shot at this title and the champion Lex Collins realized that since he couldn't do any better then a draw against that Cowgirls from Hell bitch Meghan Kessler he certainly wasn't going to beat me so he snuck out the back door and ran. So they decided The Bitch umm I mean the Sitch deserved a rematch. What happened? I ended his career as well! Mathews bragged his way into a title shot he didn't earn and I ended his career for it. Which is where America Jackson comes in. He's just some loudmouth who got on live television and somehow yelled his way into receiving something he didn't deserve.



Steven snorts.



Osbourne: That's American of him ain't it? Getting rewarded for being the loudest and stupidest person in the room. In his case he ranted about how he was going to change the North American championship to the United States title. Over my dead body! I'm a proud American as well. How proud am I? More then proud enough to NOT want someone like you making a joke out of our country. United States Championship my ass.. you represent everything that's bad about this country.



Anderson: Okay.. I don't want to encourage you but now I'm curious. What do you believe Jackson represents?



Osbourne: He represents the part of America that proudly voted for Trump in hopes he did build the wall because them illegals is always taking our jobs. America is the kind of guy who brings a gun with him when he's grocery shopping! He's the kind of guy who actually uses lines like.. God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. He's probably an anti vaxxer because if God didn't want us to get polio he wouldn't have created it. He's the kind of guy who walks down the street with two unleashed pitbulls and then when they attack someone he says something like if they didn't want to get bit they shouldn't have come within 15 feet of me. American Jackson is kind of impressive. In spite of the fact he went to college he still sounds like he's an uneducated bumpkin who dropped out of school in the 6th grade. In spite of the fact he's a bible thumper he seemingly doesn't think any of the lessons contained within actually apply to him. He's one of those guys who uses his religion to look down his nose at everyone else while not applying the same principles to himself!



Anderson: Not that I disagree but you cheat constantly.



Osbourne: Yeah but I'm honest about what I am and what I do. I cheat all the time.. but I never claim it's wrong or that I'm not going to. I sleep with a lot of women.. but did you ever hear me saying I wanted to settle down with just one women? Or that one lady is the only one for me? You can say that I lack morals but I'm not a hypocrite. Which is the thing I hate more then anything else. Someday I'm gonna have to give up this North American Title to go on and win that World Title. But it won't be to a religious hypocrite like America Jackson you can count on that!



Steven clears his throat and says in a deep, booming voice.



Osbourne: God has chosen America to be the champion of his chosen land, The United States of America! God bless the USA! Did it get it right? Did I correctly guess the bullshit you were going to spout if you won the championship? Words are that are why I'm going to make sure you don't hold this championship Jackson. Because this championship is not and never will be Religious proganda! You're not using my title to promote your religious cult.. bet on it.



Steven cocks an eyebrow.



Osbourne: How do I know your church is a cult? It's obvious from everything about you. The way you use your supposed pious nature to escape all responsibility. You scream cult member Jackson. Right now you're no threat. It's like you represent the cult of no personality. No wonder you have someone else to speak for you. All you can do by yourself is quote annoying biblical verses that barely made any sense. So I spilled the seed and she licked it up. Then We did it doggy style Osbourne 4:69. But if you get a title maybe some lost souls start buying into the bullshit you are selling and start to believe in you. I'm not going to let that happen.



Steven doesn't smile.. he's deadly serious tonight. Which is a change from usual.



Osbourne: I was a member of a cult myself a few months back. They worshipped a sex crazed robot if you can believe that.



Anderson: I wouldn't.. if I didn't know the Boublebot was real.



Osbourne: The thing about religious cults is.. once you get hooked in.. regardless of how stupid and unrealistic their teachings are.. you believe. I destroyed that cult in the end. Well Veronica and I destroyed that cult in the end.



Anderson: You.. actully gave me credit for something.



Osbourne: I give you credit for lots of things. Normally I just claim not to so I can wind you up. But I didn't this time because I want everyone to know how serious I am about not allowing another cult to get themselves a foothold in APW. If I have to destroy you America to stop that from happening..



Steven shrugs.



Osbourne: From what I can tell you ain't a good person anyways so it's not really going to be much of a loss. You used to think you've some sort of hero hurting people on the playground and in amateur wrestling matches. A guy like you doesn't even realize that snapping a weaker man then yourself's arm in an amateur wrestling match doesn't make you tough. It means you took advantage of some kid who was trying to compete in a sporting contest. Then bragging about it makes you some sort of sociopath. Yep.. this is definitely the sort of guy God favors.. a man of strength who will break the bones of the non believers... is something a cult would say. I'm going to make sure the Worldwide Church of Godd does not gain a foothold in APW. Yep.. that's right.. I just talked shit about your religion and claimed you were a member of a cult led by Godd Kyrst who worships the lord by fucking then sacrificing goats. I said that literally just to piss you off because I know that you're the type of guy who when they hear that will want to break my neck, arm, leg, ribs, whatever. But I'm not some kid over their head in the schoolyard. I want you to try and hurt me because I know you will fail. I also know that when you fail it'll reflect badly on yourself, your version of America, and your church. Which is exactly what you deserve!



Osbourne: I know that's exactly what's going to happen too. Because for all your bragging and your obnoxious challenges.. you haven't really accomplished anything. I finished in the top 5 of the APW Rumble. I know what you're thinking.. I'm not undefeated how can I judge you? There's a difference between us. I took legendary hall of famer Alex Richards to the limit. Sarah Lacklin was considered an up and comer and she beat you. You know what that means? You aren't an up and comer. You are just another loudmouth who can't make the grade. All your religious dogma isn't going to change the fact you can't back up your words.



Osbourne: I've faced the best and because of that I know how to come out on top. You haven't faced the best and you're already losing. How is that going to change when you're facing a APW legend in the making? I'm well on my way to winning every APW title twice. You're well on your win.. to a second straight loss. Aim high I always say. What possible advantages do you think Jackson could even think he has?



Anderson: Don't look at me. I wanted you to throw the match.



Osbourne: Don't worry.. I did my own research. I know America doesn't have experience on me. He doesn't have my success. He's bigger then me.. but that wasn't an advantage for Mike Mathews or my other opponents so it certainly isn't gonna help a rookie like Jackson. His amateur career! That's what America thinks is going to be his advantage, right?



Steven looks like he just smelt a fart.



Osbourne: So.. amateur and professional wrestling is the same thing now? Or two completely different sports? I'm so sick of people thinking their amateir career or their mma career means anything in wrestling. See.. I'm trained in professional wrestling. I know how to win a match end of story. I don't carry if you were a world class figure skater, skateboarder, high diver.. or yes even amateur wrestler because none of that means anything in the pro game. Yeah an amateur wrestler would beat an untrained wrestler but I'm a world class wrestler so your mma and amateur experiences just means you're boned.


Steven clenches his fist.. clearly getting more angry.



Osbourne: Then there's the advantage you don't want to talk about. But you should because it's the only way you you could possibly win. Zaigon Carter and the Troops interfering on your behalf. I make this vow right now.. the Troops will never get the best of me. Let's call them what they are.. members of your religious cult. Bring the troops to ringside Jackson.. because every time I look at them I'll think of the terrible things cults have done. Especially a cult that looks like that. What do they do when they aren't at ringside for a wrestling match Jackson?



Steven glares as if waiting for an answer.



Osbourne: You really don't know the answer to that do you? The Cult's reputation is that it interferes in your matches but you ignore that. Just like you ignore every injustice commited by your friends don't you? You claim to be this alpha male but yet you let Zaigon, your father, your religion tell you what to do. You have never thought for yourself a day in your life America. You claim you want to represent The United States? Why? You think America should be represented by mindless sheep like you? Some people say that I'm lead by my dick.



Anderson: I say that all the time.



Osbourne: But at least it's my dick. At least I'm doing what I want. Speaking of which.



Steven motions over to the single waitress in the bar who approaches.



Osbourne: As a tip how about I motorboat them boobies?



Waitress: How about I cut the tip off?



Osbourne: Is that foreplay?



Waitress: How about you show up at closing time.. and I'll show you my butcher's block.



Veronica laughs as the waitress walks away. Steven grins.


Anderson: I think you should show up at closing time.



Osbourne: I think not. But that went exactly how I wanted it to. That's a demonstration of free will at work. I wanted to hit on that waitress. She wanted to shoot me down. We both had the right to do that. I'm explaining this like I would to a child because I don't think you know what free will is Jackson! I think you just spent your whole life blindly following. That's why you have no imagination, that's why you experience no joy in life. This is what your cult did for you Jackson. You fight to win because it's expected of you. I'm fighting against your religious and everything it stands for. Sounds like I'm more motivated don't it?  So no.. I won't let you have this championship or any other symbol that might convince even a single person your way of life is correct. I doubt God is really on your side but even he or her won't be able to save you from this beating!





Veronica turns to Steven with a slight smile.



Anderson: So you're saying I need to come up with a new plan to get you a world title match because you aren't going to lose intentionally to America Jackson.



Osbourne: I'm simply not going to lose to Jackson intentional or otherwise.



Anderson: That's alright.. perhaps I can angle for a champion versus champion match against Masada Judei. Of course that would require an impressive performance against Jackson.



Osbourne: You mean I got to beat his ass?



Anderson: Basically.



Osbourne: I was gonna do that anyways. If it gets me a world title shot.. well that's liking asking me if I want prime rib AND sex in an airplane bathroom.. that's just an added bonus!



Steven winks, Veronica rolls her eyes as the scene fades out.