Post by Lacklan on Jun 20, 2020 14:28:16 GMT -5
“Let's start at the beginning. What were you doing in Las Vegas”
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan holds a cold press to her jaw, the darkness of a bruise spreading across her chin, and winces as she applies pressure. Next to her, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan holds a bag of ice to her eye with one hand and pinches her nose with the other. Seated at a table in a plain room of grey, they face an older man with a grisled 5 o’clock shadow and deeply set eyes.
“First of all,” says Sarah, her voice slightly muffled by the cloth against her chin, “our professional names are Kenzi Grey and Sarah Lacklan-”
She whips her head to the side and back forward, making her platinum locks fly in the process. Her face scrunches in pain as she does so, though, and her words become small and pained.
“-marketing genius.”
She shakes her head slowly and fixes her odd red eyes on the man.
“We’re wrestlers, among other things, and I had a fight in Vegas the day before. Return of Trinity, bay-bay! And after I won my match...obvs...we figured that having a night on the town with my sister-”
The man flips through a notebook in his hand.
“...an Angelica?”
“Yep!” says Sarah, nodding slow enough to avoid the stars. “She had never actually been, and we figured it would be fun.”
~~
“ANGIE ANGIE ANGIE”
“SAR-SAR SAR-SAR SAR-SAR”
Sarah Lacklan, dressed in a gown of red and blue silk with sleeves so puffy that they defy textile logic, runs across the floor of the casino with a smile so wide that it goes even beyond it’s listed price of Billion $$$. Opposite her, a blonde with a face as sharp as that of the albino and legs long enough to wrap themselves around the world, runs in the opposite direction. The two collide in the center and wrap one another into a tight embrace, the blonde towering over the albino with a 9-inch height difference, and a series of giggles and made-up words explode from the duo.
“OH EM GEE”
“Did you get gelato?”
“Obvs!”
“Totes yum, amIright?!
“TABS!”
As the two giggle, the sound of joy subtly shift to grunts of exertion, and before long the hug turns into a collar-and-elbow tie-up.
“LET GO”
“YOU FIRST”
“HAIR PULLING ISN’T FAIR”
“NEITHER IS BEING SO TALL”
Sarah pivots on her heel and spins behind the blonde, holding her from behind, but a swing of elbows allows the blonde to turn and face Sarah again, her height giving her the advantage. The heads of onlookers swivel toward them as the embrace continues to develop into a contest of leverage, and the closest pit boss motions towards men in suits.
“SIGH”
The long-suffering sigh of Kenzi fills the air as she presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose in an attempt to push away the sudden spike of headache pain.
“...freakin’ Lacklans…”
~~
“Okay...so...you and your sister got into a fight...and THAT is what caused the riot at the MGM Grand?”
“Well...I mean...not exactly.”
“They weren’t fighting,” says Kenzi, her pinched nose causing her voice to be a strong nasal. “They’re just Lacklans. Its what they DO. They wrestle for fun. They wrestle for church. Hell, they wrestle over the last bite of cake!””
Sarah rolls her eyes at her wife before returning them to the detective.
“Ignore my Beloved, Sir. She’s just mad that she let the ninjas sneak up on us.”
The detective blinks in confusion.
“...ninjas?”
A sparkle of mischievousness fills Sarah’s eyes.
“Funny story, that.”
“Hit me...OW”
“...heehee…”
With a bruise quickly forming on the pale shoulder underneath the STA Ranch t-shirt, Angie rubs her arm as she collects her card from the dealer. She had an 8-3 in the pocket and had just received a 4. The book said to stand, but Angie Vaughn wasn’t afraid to take a risk. But she also didn’t want to get punched again. Chewing her lips in thought and worry, she breathes deep and speaks up.
“Hit-”
Sarah’s fist comes flying in and connects with the bony shoulder.
“-OW!”
The King of Hearts stares up at her.
“Busted!”
Angie’s shoulders sag as the dealer takes away her cards...and her money.
“I’m down $500 already, Sis!”
She folds her arms under her...well…”bosom” is a bit of a stretch...and pouts.
“Vegas is WAY overrated.”
Next to her, Sarah rolls her eyes.
“Only when you’re losing. Before we met, Kenzi won BIG!”
She points to her left and Angie’s blue eyes follow her older (but not bigger) sister’s red to find the aforementioned caramel starlet sitting at a slot machine.
“That’s how she got KITT and the Egg, at least initially. Mind you, I don’t know how she got away with winning while underage, but-”
“THE MOUNTAIN!”
The Lacklan Sisters, Grey-Lacklan and Vaughn by name, both swivel their heads at the loud and obnoxious voice. Across the casino floor, a large group of people stand around a craps table, all with their hands clenched in fists and jumping for joy. Though the crowd, they see the owner of the voice, a pasty man with thick glasses, a brown combover, and a suit of a puce so strong that it hurt their eyes.
“Hey! Isn’t that that Xpress guy?”
“Yeah, Arnold. What’s he-”
“THE MOUNTAIN!”
Again he screams and, seconds later, the crowd bursts into joy around the craps table.
“The Mountain...?”
“You don’t think…?”
“THE”
A massive breath.
“MOOOOOUNTAAAAAAIIIIIIN”
The crowd nearly splits itself in twain as they cheer. The girls get up from their stools and head over towards the table, with Kenzi noticing and following suit.
“‘Sup?”
“Cunningham is at the craps table.”
Kenzi growls and her mouth moves as if tasting something particularly gross.
“I hate that guy.”
“He’s not THAT bad. Some people like when others do the talking sometimes, ya know?”
“At least he doesn’t have that fatass Miko with her. Hate that lazy bitch.”
“She is NOT fat. OR lazy. In fact, I would say she is practically perfect in every way. And another-”
“SHINJI?!”
Sarah cuts off as the trio gets to the table after wading through the crowd. Sitting at the throwers position is a massive man, tall and broad, whose bright blonde hair and blue eyes contrast his Japanese features. All around him, scantily clad women, likely of ill-repute, position themselves before him. The man’s eyes glance towards the trio of women and he gives them a small nod.
“Taller sister. Smaller sister. Fierce sister.”
The man’s voice booms and, without taking his eyes off them, he tosses a set of dice in his hand to the table.
“THE MOUNTAIN!”
The explosion from the crowd told them the result of the dice throw from the eldest Lacklan sibling, Shinjiro Nakama.
~~
“So...this giant man...he was the ninja?”
“NO!” Sarah’s face literally turns into a red angry emoji but then turns back into her bright smile. “He’s my big brother!”
The detective blinks in surprise a few times.
“Wait...so...this Angelica girl, who is embarrassingly taller than you, is your sister...and this giant blonde Japanese man is your brother?”
Sarah nods enthusiastically.
“Yep! Daddy…”
She trails off and averts her gaze.
“....kindasortawasacultleaderwhohadabunchofwivesandatleastthreekidsbutwedidnotfindthatoutuntillastyear...”
She smiles when she looks back to him and waves a hand dismissively.
“It’s a whole thing. N-E-Ways-”
The detective could hear the odd spelling in her voice.
“-Shinji lives in Japan with his Mumsie, caring for Daddy’s first church-”
“...church?”
“I SAID IT WAS A WHOLE THING! But! It turns out that, along with a harem of really gross skanks...he must get that from Daddy...he was ALSO in Vegas for a craps tournament! Turns out he’s KILLER at them! So we hung out, had some drinks, got caught up...he doesn’t talk much, since he’s Mister Stoic Japanese Man, and all...and THAT is when shit started to hit the fan.”
“The ninjas?”
“Nope! The cowboys.”
“...huh?”
~~
Kenzi’s chocolate eyes go wide as the slot machine blares to life and announces her jackpot. All around her, people begin cheering, some jumping up and down, as the credits pile up.
$100,000
Her fingers tremble as she presses CASH OUT, thoughts of a similar run of luck from years before going through her head. That money had been gained...questionably...but had been used for good, at least for her life. She bought the car of her dreams, a replica of KITT from Knight Rider, and put the downpayment on a house in West Hollywood that looked super cool because of the way it looked like an egg. She later lost the house...and she didn’t have a license...but those things came back into her life eventually because of the relationship with Sarah.
Sarah.
Her Selena.
The whirlwind of aggressive chaos who had changed ever-
“GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!”
Kenzi leaps out of the seat at the sudden yell and finds herself looking at a group of cowboys.
~~
“...what?”
Sarah nods hard enough to make her own head spin for a moment.
“Yep! As you’ll see in a sec, just some dumbass Texan racist losers who forgot that America wasn’t built by a man’s hand, but by the hands of slaves! And they conveniently make me think of one of my next opponents.”
Sarah chews her lips in thought for a moment as she looks up.
“There’s this dude, right? Farmboy. And that’s coolio! After all, Lacklanland farmers are known far and wide for our blueberry crop. #VisitLacklanland, brought to you by the Lacklanland Tourism Board!”
Sarah flashes her Billion $$$ Smile and a glint her from painstakingly-perfect teeth shines while a DING! sounds in the distance.
“Unfortunately, that is just about where the virtues of this dude end. Yes yes, he’s big and buff and tough, but that’s only from a pure athletic standpoint. As far as being a fighter is concerned, he is more bark than bite. A middling career in MMA? Ha! I’ve done MMA. Okay, I’ve done ONE MMA fight. But it’s important! Because in that fight? I fought this dude who was, like, WAY bigger than me, as per usual, and his reach was NUTS. Bell rings, ref says ‘FIGHT!’ and we come out of our corners. Dude pops me in the face from, like, halfway across the cage, and BLAM! I get a cut above my eye.”
Sarah points to her right eye and, just barely able to be seen underneath her makeup, is a scar.
“Bled BUCKETS into my eye, couldn’t see shit. So I’m, like, okay, embrace my Inner Frank Dux and fight blind. But then DING DING DING! Fight is STOPPED. Why? Because I couldn't see. What pussy shit is THAT, amIright?! I once won a wrestling match after being set on FIRE. MMA and their rules are as tough as flag football. And if Texan McRaciststein can’t kick ass THERE, there is NO WAY he’s going to kick ass in pro wrestling. And from what I have seen of him thus far, he lacks the depth needed to face someone like me. Sure, he can get into the ring with comic book rejects and get his hand raised. Sure, he can win against one of the 27 dumbass Gurus of Idiocy which run rampant in these parts. Hell, the only reason he got a win over Breezy in tag action was because I knocked L so freakin’ loopy a couple of weeks ago that all she has been able to say OR type is to tell me ‘Good Job!’ on social media like our match was anything but a one-sided ass kicking.
“The fact is that, regardless of his size or drive, Jackson is a 2nd tier athlete trying to be a 3rd- rate fighter while being the benefactor of a 5th tier businessman who probably doesn’t even realize that TRUE capitalists say Industry with a capital ‘I’ on their tongue. In a battle with Jubei...more on him in a bit...and a 2nd generation star who is BUILT for this business from the moment of inception-”
“...ew…”
“-, he’s basically only there to make sure that someone doesn’t get hurt by a loss. The REAL fight is New vs Old, Lacklan vs Jubei, 2nd Season vs. 1st Season, and Jackson’s role to play in this is to get caught by some crazy double team combo of the Masuda Driver and the Abyss and obediently lay down for the 3 by whichever one of us scrambles on top of him fast enough while being so mentally checked-out that he things dumb shit like ‘WE IS HUNGRY’ is anything even close to approaching original promotional work in 2020.
“Now, Jubei? That’s a badass. Murder someone just by looking at them. Legit, he wouldn’t even need to tie them up in some complicated torture crab or octopus hold-”
She turns to Kenzi.
“Beloved, mark that down, bee-tee-dub. A Royal Octopus with my massive legs would be NUTS.”
She blows her a kiss before turning back to the detective.
“His problem, of course, is the problem that a LOT of the older generation have: He’s so mixed up in decades-old feuds, stories, rivalries, and adventures that it's difficult for him to focus on the NOW. He has his hands in so many activities across the business that it’s likely impossible for him to focus, to TRULY focus, when he needs to get in the ring. We need to push away all other things, all other people, and let the rage of our instincts and training come down like God’s fiery wrath, but he’s going to be so busy worrying about his next faked death to realize that, AFTER we give Dumbshit McHeeHaw that killer combo...maybe call it the Burning Abyss Driver, or something...Beloved, write that down, too...that he won’t notice me sneak my way to a pinfall."
The detective blinks several times.
“Um...the cowboys?”
“Oh!”
~~
Kenzi throws up her hands out of reflex as she sees several guns pointed in her direction.
“Hands up, don't shoot!”
One of the men takes a step forward and motions with his gun towards the slot machine.
“Thar is no way you won that jackpot without CHEATIN’! Hand over that ticket right now and we’ll take it, and you, to the pit boss and we can get this all figured out, girl.”
Terrified, Kenzi slowly reaches towards the ticket and-
“SHE’S REACHING FOR HER WAISTBAND!”
“SHE’S GOT A GUN!”
“SHE STOLE MY TASER!”
“TAKE HER DOWN!”
“Its okay! She’s with me!”
Running through the crowd, Sarah waves her arm in the air. The men back away from Kenzi and, noticing the pure and utter whiteness of the woman, understand their mistake. The leader gives Kenzi a warm smile and a deferential nod.
“Mah apologies, Ma’am. You two have a nice night now, ya hear?”
As the two quickly move away form the crowd, Kenzi shakes her head and growls under her breath.
“...freakin’ white privilege…”
Sarah shrugs her puffy shoulders.
“Hey, things aren’t exactly great for me when we go to one of your Def Jam poetry readings and people don’t realize that I’m with you!”
“Bullshit! They love staring at a PAWG's butt!”
Another shrug of puffy shoulders.
“...freakin’ white privilege…”
~~
"...but what about the-"
"AND THEN SUDDENLY!"
~~
Once again joined by their party, they make their way towards the exit of the casino with Kenzi pulling behind her a giant bag of her winnings, though Shinjiro’s is much MUCH larger. But the group begins to cough as the space is filled with dense fog, and dark shapes spring from unseen places and stand before them.
“Stop!”
As the smoke clears, the House of Lacklan members (+1) find themselves facing a large group of ninjas with anachronistic weapons at the ready. At the front is an older man with cauliflower ears, a lazy eye, and a dumb hair cut.
"I am the TRUE owner of ALL of Vegas and will have my money back. I am...THE MASTER!”
~~
“...the Ninja Master…”
“Just SO HAPPENED to look EXACTLY like my OTHER opponent!”
“........what hap-?”
“A MASSIVE brawl! We were NOT about to give up our newfound gambling gains! Ya know, Kenzi’s better at action stuff. Beloved?”
Kenzi sits up straight, makes a frame with her fingers, and-
~~
-Ninjas descend en masse...but are thrown away by THE MOUNTAIN's power!
Kenzi uses her mass of braids like a many-pronged whip to catch ninja weapons and send them flying!
Angie literally kills one with a boot to the head of her loaded boot!
The Cowboys come in, guns blazing, and take down an entire Ninja Cell!
The cry of a falcon in the distance announces the CRUSHING of a skull as Kenzi and Sarah nail their double supergirl punch!
Vonn Richtor, in town for the Trinity show AND to clang and bang in the gym with "Little Bit," CRUSHES ninjas with his guns!
Sarah and The Master take the leader cowboy and BLAM! BURNING ABYSS DRIVAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
They all run for their lives, but the ninjas trap Kenzi! Sarah pounds her fist in frustration and goes to PLAN: SECRET
~~
"But how did you escape?"
Kenzi grumbles and looks away.
"...fatass STINKo..."
~~
The screams of ninjas fill the casino as a masked woman, clad in black and with wild white hair flowing behind, leaps into the room, spitting plume after plume of multicolored mist. The ninja army falls at her rescue assault, and even the Master himself dutifully kills himself (again!) in the face of her fury.
~~
"...so, you were saved by this mysterious Great Miko?"
Sarah nods emphatically while Kenzi wretches.
"She is amazing. And! Like I said to my Beloved earlier! Practically perfect in EVERY way.
"But, who is she?"
The sudden look of wide-eyed innocence on Sarah's face cannot hide the mischief in her eyes.
"I have no idea."
~la fin~
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan holds a cold press to her jaw, the darkness of a bruise spreading across her chin, and winces as she applies pressure. Next to her, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan holds a bag of ice to her eye with one hand and pinches her nose with the other. Seated at a table in a plain room of grey, they face an older man with a grisled 5 o’clock shadow and deeply set eyes.
“First of all,” says Sarah, her voice slightly muffled by the cloth against her chin, “our professional names are Kenzi Grey and Sarah Lacklan-”
She whips her head to the side and back forward, making her platinum locks fly in the process. Her face scrunches in pain as she does so, though, and her words become small and pained.
“-marketing genius.”
She shakes her head slowly and fixes her odd red eyes on the man.
“We’re wrestlers, among other things, and I had a fight in Vegas the day before. Return of Trinity, bay-bay! And after I won my match...obvs...we figured that having a night on the town with my sister-”
The man flips through a notebook in his hand.
“...an Angelica?”
“Yep!” says Sarah, nodding slow enough to avoid the stars. “She had never actually been, and we figured it would be fun.”
~~
“ANGIE ANGIE ANGIE”
“SAR-SAR SAR-SAR SAR-SAR”
Sarah Lacklan, dressed in a gown of red and blue silk with sleeves so puffy that they defy textile logic, runs across the floor of the casino with a smile so wide that it goes even beyond it’s listed price of Billion $$$. Opposite her, a blonde with a face as sharp as that of the albino and legs long enough to wrap themselves around the world, runs in the opposite direction. The two collide in the center and wrap one another into a tight embrace, the blonde towering over the albino with a 9-inch height difference, and a series of giggles and made-up words explode from the duo.
“OH EM GEE”
“Did you get gelato?”
“Obvs!”
“Totes yum, amIright?!
“TABS!”
As the two giggle, the sound of joy subtly shift to grunts of exertion, and before long the hug turns into a collar-and-elbow tie-up.
“LET GO”
“YOU FIRST”
“HAIR PULLING ISN’T FAIR”
“NEITHER IS BEING SO TALL”
Sarah pivots on her heel and spins behind the blonde, holding her from behind, but a swing of elbows allows the blonde to turn and face Sarah again, her height giving her the advantage. The heads of onlookers swivel toward them as the embrace continues to develop into a contest of leverage, and the closest pit boss motions towards men in suits.
“SIGH”
The long-suffering sigh of Kenzi fills the air as she presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose in an attempt to push away the sudden spike of headache pain.
“...freakin’ Lacklans…”
~~
“Okay...so...you and your sister got into a fight...and THAT is what caused the riot at the MGM Grand?”
“Well...I mean...not exactly.”
“They weren’t fighting,” says Kenzi, her pinched nose causing her voice to be a strong nasal. “They’re just Lacklans. Its what they DO. They wrestle for fun. They wrestle for church. Hell, they wrestle over the last bite of cake!””
Sarah rolls her eyes at her wife before returning them to the detective.
“Ignore my Beloved, Sir. She’s just mad that she let the ninjas sneak up on us.”
The detective blinks in confusion.
“...ninjas?”
A sparkle of mischievousness fills Sarah’s eyes.
“Funny story, that.”
Presenting the House of Lacklan Saga Story of:
Ninjas 'n Shit
“Hit me...OW”
“...heehee…”
With a bruise quickly forming on the pale shoulder underneath the STA Ranch t-shirt, Angie rubs her arm as she collects her card from the dealer. She had an 8-3 in the pocket and had just received a 4. The book said to stand, but Angie Vaughn wasn’t afraid to take a risk. But she also didn’t want to get punched again. Chewing her lips in thought and worry, she breathes deep and speaks up.
“Hit-”
Sarah’s fist comes flying in and connects with the bony shoulder.
“-OW!”
The King of Hearts stares up at her.
“Busted!”
Angie’s shoulders sag as the dealer takes away her cards...and her money.
“I’m down $500 already, Sis!”
She folds her arms under her...well…”bosom” is a bit of a stretch...and pouts.
“Vegas is WAY overrated.”
Next to her, Sarah rolls her eyes.
“Only when you’re losing. Before we met, Kenzi won BIG!”
She points to her left and Angie’s blue eyes follow her older (but not bigger) sister’s red to find the aforementioned caramel starlet sitting at a slot machine.
“That’s how she got KITT and the Egg, at least initially. Mind you, I don’t know how she got away with winning while underage, but-”
“THE MOUNTAIN!”
The Lacklan Sisters, Grey-Lacklan and Vaughn by name, both swivel their heads at the loud and obnoxious voice. Across the casino floor, a large group of people stand around a craps table, all with their hands clenched in fists and jumping for joy. Though the crowd, they see the owner of the voice, a pasty man with thick glasses, a brown combover, and a suit of a puce so strong that it hurt their eyes.
“Hey! Isn’t that that Xpress guy?”
“Yeah, Arnold. What’s he-”
“THE MOUNTAIN!”
Again he screams and, seconds later, the crowd bursts into joy around the craps table.
“The Mountain...?”
“You don’t think…?”
“THE”
A massive breath.
“MOOOOOUNTAAAAAAIIIIIIN”
The crowd nearly splits itself in twain as they cheer. The girls get up from their stools and head over towards the table, with Kenzi noticing and following suit.
“‘Sup?”
“Cunningham is at the craps table.”
Kenzi growls and her mouth moves as if tasting something particularly gross.
“I hate that guy.”
“He’s not THAT bad. Some people like when others do the talking sometimes, ya know?”
“At least he doesn’t have that fatass Miko with her. Hate that lazy bitch.”
“She is NOT fat. OR lazy. In fact, I would say she is practically perfect in every way. And another-”
“SHINJI?!”
Sarah cuts off as the trio gets to the table after wading through the crowd. Sitting at the throwers position is a massive man, tall and broad, whose bright blonde hair and blue eyes contrast his Japanese features. All around him, scantily clad women, likely of ill-repute, position themselves before him. The man’s eyes glance towards the trio of women and he gives them a small nod.
“Taller sister. Smaller sister. Fierce sister.”
The man’s voice booms and, without taking his eyes off them, he tosses a set of dice in his hand to the table.
“THE MOUNTAIN!”
The explosion from the crowd told them the result of the dice throw from the eldest Lacklan sibling, Shinjiro Nakama.
~~
“So...this giant man...he was the ninja?”
“NO!” Sarah’s face literally turns into a red angry emoji but then turns back into her bright smile. “He’s my big brother!”
The detective blinks in surprise a few times.
“Wait...so...this Angelica girl, who is embarrassingly taller than you, is your sister...and this giant blonde Japanese man is your brother?”
Sarah nods enthusiastically.
“Yep! Daddy…”
She trails off and averts her gaze.
“....kindasortawasacultleaderwhohadabunchofwivesandatleastthreekidsbutwedidnotfindthatoutuntillastyear...”
She smiles when she looks back to him and waves a hand dismissively.
“It’s a whole thing. N-E-Ways-”
The detective could hear the odd spelling in her voice.
“-Shinji lives in Japan with his Mumsie, caring for Daddy’s first church-”
“...church?”
“I SAID IT WAS A WHOLE THING! But! It turns out that, along with a harem of really gross skanks...he must get that from Daddy...he was ALSO in Vegas for a craps tournament! Turns out he’s KILLER at them! So we hung out, had some drinks, got caught up...he doesn’t talk much, since he’s Mister Stoic Japanese Man, and all...and THAT is when shit started to hit the fan.”
“The ninjas?”
“Nope! The cowboys.”
“...huh?”
~~
DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING
Kenzi’s chocolate eyes go wide as the slot machine blares to life and announces her jackpot. All around her, people begin cheering, some jumping up and down, as the credits pile up.
$100,000
Her fingers tremble as she presses CASH OUT, thoughts of a similar run of luck from years before going through her head. That money had been gained...questionably...but had been used for good, at least for her life. She bought the car of her dreams, a replica of KITT from Knight Rider, and put the downpayment on a house in West Hollywood that looked super cool because of the way it looked like an egg. She later lost the house...and she didn’t have a license...but those things came back into her life eventually because of the relationship with Sarah.
Sarah.
Her Selena.
The whirlwind of aggressive chaos who had changed ever-
“GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!”
Kenzi leaps out of the seat at the sudden yell and finds herself looking at a group of cowboys.
~~
“...what?”
Sarah nods hard enough to make her own head spin for a moment.
“Yep! As you’ll see in a sec, just some dumbass Texan racist losers who forgot that America wasn’t built by a man’s hand, but by the hands of slaves! And they conveniently make me think of one of my next opponents.”
Sarah chews her lips in thought for a moment as she looks up.
“There’s this dude, right? Farmboy. And that’s coolio! After all, Lacklanland farmers are known far and wide for our blueberry crop. #VisitLacklanland, brought to you by the Lacklanland Tourism Board!”
Sarah flashes her Billion $$$ Smile and a glint her from painstakingly-perfect teeth shines while a DING! sounds in the distance.
“Unfortunately, that is just about where the virtues of this dude end. Yes yes, he’s big and buff and tough, but that’s only from a pure athletic standpoint. As far as being a fighter is concerned, he is more bark than bite. A middling career in MMA? Ha! I’ve done MMA. Okay, I’ve done ONE MMA fight. But it’s important! Because in that fight? I fought this dude who was, like, WAY bigger than me, as per usual, and his reach was NUTS. Bell rings, ref says ‘FIGHT!’ and we come out of our corners. Dude pops me in the face from, like, halfway across the cage, and BLAM! I get a cut above my eye.”
Sarah points to her right eye and, just barely able to be seen underneath her makeup, is a scar.
“Bled BUCKETS into my eye, couldn’t see shit. So I’m, like, okay, embrace my Inner Frank Dux and fight blind. But then DING DING DING! Fight is STOPPED. Why? Because I couldn't see. What pussy shit is THAT, amIright?! I once won a wrestling match after being set on FIRE. MMA and their rules are as tough as flag football. And if Texan McRaciststein can’t kick ass THERE, there is NO WAY he’s going to kick ass in pro wrestling. And from what I have seen of him thus far, he lacks the depth needed to face someone like me. Sure, he can get into the ring with comic book rejects and get his hand raised. Sure, he can win against one of the 27 dumbass Gurus of Idiocy which run rampant in these parts. Hell, the only reason he got a win over Breezy in tag action was because I knocked L so freakin’ loopy a couple of weeks ago that all she has been able to say OR type is to tell me ‘Good Job!’ on social media like our match was anything but a one-sided ass kicking.
“The fact is that, regardless of his size or drive, Jackson is a 2nd tier athlete trying to be a 3rd- rate fighter while being the benefactor of a 5th tier businessman who probably doesn’t even realize that TRUE capitalists say Industry with a capital ‘I’ on their tongue. In a battle with Jubei...more on him in a bit...and a 2nd generation star who is BUILT for this business from the moment of inception-”
“...ew…”
“-, he’s basically only there to make sure that someone doesn’t get hurt by a loss. The REAL fight is New vs Old, Lacklan vs Jubei, 2nd Season vs. 1st Season, and Jackson’s role to play in this is to get caught by some crazy double team combo of the Masuda Driver and the Abyss and obediently lay down for the 3 by whichever one of us scrambles on top of him fast enough while being so mentally checked-out that he things dumb shit like ‘WE IS HUNGRY’ is anything even close to approaching original promotional work in 2020.
“Now, Jubei? That’s a badass. Murder someone just by looking at them. Legit, he wouldn’t even need to tie them up in some complicated torture crab or octopus hold-”
She turns to Kenzi.
“Beloved, mark that down, bee-tee-dub. A Royal Octopus with my massive legs would be NUTS.”
She blows her a kiss before turning back to the detective.
“His problem, of course, is the problem that a LOT of the older generation have: He’s so mixed up in decades-old feuds, stories, rivalries, and adventures that it's difficult for him to focus on the NOW. He has his hands in so many activities across the business that it’s likely impossible for him to focus, to TRULY focus, when he needs to get in the ring. We need to push away all other things, all other people, and let the rage of our instincts and training come down like God’s fiery wrath, but he’s going to be so busy worrying about his next faked death to realize that, AFTER we give Dumbshit McHeeHaw that killer combo...maybe call it the Burning Abyss Driver, or something...Beloved, write that down, too...that he won’t notice me sneak my way to a pinfall."
The detective blinks several times.
“Um...the cowboys?”
“Oh!”
~~
Kenzi throws up her hands out of reflex as she sees several guns pointed in her direction.
“Hands up, don't shoot!”
One of the men takes a step forward and motions with his gun towards the slot machine.
“Thar is no way you won that jackpot without CHEATIN’! Hand over that ticket right now and we’ll take it, and you, to the pit boss and we can get this all figured out, girl.”
Terrified, Kenzi slowly reaches towards the ticket and-
“SHE’S REACHING FOR HER WAISTBAND!”
“SHE’S GOT A GUN!”
“SHE STOLE MY TASER!”
“TAKE HER DOWN!”
“Its okay! She’s with me!”
Running through the crowd, Sarah waves her arm in the air. The men back away from Kenzi and, noticing the pure and utter whiteness of the woman, understand their mistake. The leader gives Kenzi a warm smile and a deferential nod.
“Mah apologies, Ma’am. You two have a nice night now, ya hear?”
As the two quickly move away form the crowd, Kenzi shakes her head and growls under her breath.
“...freakin’ white privilege…”
Sarah shrugs her puffy shoulders.
“Hey, things aren’t exactly great for me when we go to one of your Def Jam poetry readings and people don’t realize that I’m with you!”
“Bullshit! They love staring at a PAWG's butt!”
Another shrug of puffy shoulders.
“...freakin’ white privilege…”
~~
"...but what about the-"
"AND THEN SUDDENLY!"
~~
Once again joined by their party, they make their way towards the exit of the casino with Kenzi pulling behind her a giant bag of her winnings, though Shinjiro’s is much MUCH larger. But the group begins to cough as the space is filled with dense fog, and dark shapes spring from unseen places and stand before them.
“Stop!”
As the smoke clears, the House of Lacklan members (+1) find themselves facing a large group of ninjas with anachronistic weapons at the ready. At the front is an older man with cauliflower ears, a lazy eye, and a dumb hair cut.
"I am the TRUE owner of ALL of Vegas and will have my money back. I am...THE MASTER!”
~~
“...the Ninja Master…”
“Just SO HAPPENED to look EXACTLY like my OTHER opponent!”
“........what hap-?”
“A MASSIVE brawl! We were NOT about to give up our newfound gambling gains! Ya know, Kenzi’s better at action stuff. Beloved?”
Kenzi sits up straight, makes a frame with her fingers, and-
~~
Special Moments from the Great Ninja Battle
Kenzi uses her mass of braids like a many-pronged whip to catch ninja weapons and send them flying!
Angie literally kills one with a boot to the head of her loaded boot!
The Cowboys come in, guns blazing, and take down an entire Ninja Cell!
The cry of a falcon in the distance announces the CRUSHING of a skull as Kenzi and Sarah nail their double supergirl punch!
Vonn Richtor, in town for the Trinity show AND to clang and bang in the gym with "Little Bit," CRUSHES ninjas with his guns!
Sarah and The Master take the leader cowboy and BLAM! BURNING ABYSS DRIVAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
They all run for their lives, but the ninjas trap Kenzi! Sarah pounds her fist in frustration and goes to PLAN: SECRET
~~
"But how did you escape?"
Kenzi grumbles and looks away.
"...fatass STINKo..."
~~
FINALE
The screams of ninjas fill the casino as a masked woman, clad in black and with wild white hair flowing behind, leaps into the room, spitting plume after plume of multicolored mist. The ninja army falls at her rescue assault, and even the Master himself dutifully kills himself (again!) in the face of her fury.
~~
"...so, you were saved by this mysterious Great Miko?"
Sarah nods emphatically while Kenzi wretches.
"She is amazing. And! Like I said to my Beloved earlier! Practically perfect in EVERY way.
"But, who is she?"
The sudden look of wide-eyed innocence on Sarah's face cannot hide the mischief in her eyes.
"I have no idea."
~la fin~
