Post by The Very Big Supervillains on Jun 11, 2020 4:25:02 GMT -5
William the Behemoth, aggressive Alpha Pro wrestler and routine exerciser of self-love and everything-that-isn't-self-hatred, sat upon a throne (a broke recliner he stole from DFS) overlooking the various houses and buildings of Leicester, England.
While his face is normally spiteful, aggressive, salty, acting like an angry possum staring at an abandoned leather jacket that he thinks is a cat, he is somewhat calm.
He's still sat on this very large hill, in this eery clearing at the dawn of the morning (or thereabouts, time couldn't beat William in a fight so it didn't matter) purely because he likes to think of everyone that lives in Leicester as weak midgets and then insult them in his head, but he's calm.
Breathing, slow..
One breath in.
One out.
One in.
One ou-
Nope, William turns his head and snarls, hearing a noise from behind.
Ready to once again shout at a squirrel for being small, he's instead met with a freakishly large squirrel.
He's actually pleasantly surprised at the hairless, colossal specimen.
And then even less pleasantly surprised when he realises it's just an average sized human.
And then just straight up pissed when he realises it's his cameraman, Jared.
"Why are y-"
"This is my throne room Jared! I come up here to be the fucking best wrestler, and I'm not gonna speak to you unless you're on your knees, midget."
Those loud shouts are like firing a water gun at the sun, at this point. Jared just rolls his eyes and continues forward, trying to sit on the scratched couch William's on.
William's taking up the 3 seater "independently" as he always said, and the last time Jared accidentally touched him William threatened to feed him to some goats so Jared settles for the arm of the chair. And then there's silence. Again. A silence that isn't supposed to be here, but is not unwelcome. William's twitching eyebrow isn't as active as per normal and the big man's just staring at the urban scenery in front.
"Nice view, huh?"
"No it isn't. Shut up, moth," William harshly replies, but at least he's not screaming it.
"I finished the editing on your speech. Wanna take a look at it or you too busy in nature?"
"What spee-?
I don't need to look at anything! I already know I'm gonna wreck DJF and his fake tag team partner.
This new win streak is gonna be proper. Lasting for 150 years, at the least! My first 1 week win streak was a fake-out, meant to keep people guessing. Can't have people knowing my next move, you know?
Now it's already in motion though. DJF will be like "Awww! Look at me! I like ropes! I use the ropes! I will win!"
But he won't fucking win! I've got this in the bag now! I beat the first ever APW Champion, last week!
By disqualification, the best way to win.
Does that make ME the first ever APW World Champion?
Well, it's open to interpretation but, yes, absolutely.
And this win streak is gonna be the real one because I learned from-.. Because I'm the best! Why am I explaining it to you, anyway?" William says this in his harshest, most bestest voice but his harshness (and bestness) is delayed.
He's in thought. Most likely dumb, "barely an excuse for thoughts" thoughts, but still, thoughts. It's unusual. There's something William isn't telling him.
Luckily for Jared, William is a moron and so Jared doesn't care.
"You know Tsukiko is a real person, right?"
William lets out a loud, forced laugh.
"Ooooooh yeah, from the great nation of Japania where frogs ribbit and the sun rises and all that crap!
It's gonna take more than a flag and a position on several international peace treaties to get stupid weebs to make me think their fake country is real. It's Narnia all over again!
DJF is a midget. And everyone knows midegst use their dumb, midget brains to trick my smart, big brains into losing wrestling matches.
But that isn't working anymore! Didn't work last week against Vonn Richter in that 4 way, won't against me!
Because I have lear-
I mean-! BECAUSE I'M THE BEST!!
WRESTLER!! An-!
AND PERSON!!
I never even so much as think about my matches, or my skills, or my moves!
Because VBS' invincible!! And I can never lose!! I-!
That loss two weeks ago was cheap and it wasn't even by disqualification, which as I said before, is the only one that matters!!
So come Metal, I'M JUST GONNA WIN!!
Because DJF stands for:
Dumb
Jerk
Frick
And crushing midgets like him is what VBS do best!" William stands up fast, nearly knocking the couch over and then marches away muttering "where's Travis? Criminal, little malicious..."
Taking this in stride, Jared turns and shouts "What about the speech you did? Doesn't what you just said kinda contradict that?"
William growls and stamps his foot once. He turns, scratching the back of his head once again.
"Listen midget: For the last fricking time!!
I don't contradict, I don't worry, I don't do any self reflection shit!! And if anyone thinks otherwise they're lying!!
Big people don't need to THINK!!
I HAVE NO THOUGHTS!!
And I will NEVER!
NEVER!
NEEEEEEVEEEER!!
THINK!!" William practically screams, acting much more regular for him. He kicks a stick away and then hobbles away, his t-shirt scrunched up because of how long he'd been sitting.
Jared waits until William's swaddled out of ear shot and then chuckles to himself. He looks down and feels the phone in his pocket and then thinks back to William's speech from Wednesday.
A speech of a human.
A speech with elements of both triumph and failure.
One with elements of socialism, an analysis of society and a thought-provoking deconstruction of William himself.
And all of it that being completely untrue as it was just William getting shitfaced while celebrating VBS' win and then falling through the window of an Arby's.
----
"I have.. I f-.. fff-... ucking vandalised the establishment. I.. I.. jump.
I am more.. agility... than Duh-Juh-Fuh.. I am."
William the Behemoth lays among the rubble of a caved in glass window, broken right through to let in all the air from the night that's been drenched in moonlight.
❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ very carefully tries to manoeuvre across the broken glass, as William crawls further into the closed Arby's, like a disobedient toddler.
The camera shakes a bit as the stoic ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ makes a large step over the broken window.
"Ye- yeah! And here's the thing about midgets like Dick Jick Ficker- fucker, I mean.
So what? Y- ya know! He's a master of ropes, so what?! What's he gonna do? Climb me?!
And what has he done so far? Huh?!
Nothing!
Us?
We beat Jubei and Osbourne!! Two very accom- accomated- acom- they win a lot!! We demolished those fools so badly- so- we won so much that they lost by DQ!!!
D!!!!!! Q!!!!!!!!!!!
Which is-.. n't... a fluke because...
...
..."
"💧︎⧫︎♋︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎📪︎ ⬧︎●︎♓︎❍︎📬︎ ✋︎ ♎︎□︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♐︎♋︎●︎●︎📬︎"
❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ tries to grab hold of William's arm as the man climbs up a nearby table, nearly falling back if he wasn't caught by his expressionless tag partner.
"Dim Jerk Failure can't beat me! Us!
How the heck is his high flying offense gonna work? My legs are too muscular for me to lose my balance. And another thi-"
William tries to stand and slips back onto ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎.
"Thin- thing. How is his edginess gonna compare to my edginess? My eeeeevilness? He comes out, tries to- tries to play to the crowd. He's been getting fricking steamrolled by that Vonn "James Bond" Richter so how's he gonna stop a guy like me? Guys like you, too, Travis. How?
L- limb targeting? Except no because my limbs are made of steel and my joints are made of solid rock and don't cause me any pain! At all!
Mind games? Taunt me? That might work be- because he's a complete dick but so am I! Like not- not like Damp Jarring Fool levels of jerk, but still! I'll just call him like-.. the Lost... Coal! And then he'll be crying and won't- won't even be able to fight!
And since Tsukiko isn't real; this, ONCE AGAIN, is a two on one handi- hand- two hand-... match.
I-..
I have two hands."
William drunkenly allows his body to fall backwards onto the ground. He's flat on his back, staring ag the ceiling as ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ awkwardly watches over him.
"❄︎⬧︎◆︎🙵♓︎🙵□︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ❒︎♏︎♋︎●︎📬︎ 💧︎♒︎♏︎🕯︎⬧︎ □︎◆︎❒︎ □︎◻︎◻︎□︎■︎♏︎■︎⧫︎📬︎"
"Yeah-.. yeah, you're exactly right.
Doofus Joofus Foofus has probably never won a match by DQ in his life!!
He's probably-.. prolly one of then deniers that say it isn't a real win, that-.. that like wrestling with weapons! And chairs! Thro- thr- throw chairs!
You're all-.. flash no substance. But I'vd been undefeated for like... 11 years now, I know how to beat a guy attracted to ropes.
And-! I can take pain! I like pain! If pain was a person I would take them to a-.. romantic dinner at a Nandos and then pain'd say they liked me and I'd act all cool and badass and no- non- I wouldn't be Chalant. And it'd be cool and pain would say "I care about you, and value y-" -?.
What the fuck am I-..?
FUCK IT!!
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW THIS WORKS, DROOL JUUL FOOL!!
IN LIFE, THERE ARE BIG MEN, AND THERE ARE DUMB MIDGETS WHO DON'T PAY THEIR TAXES!!
2000 YEARS AGO, DURING THE 1990'S WRESTLING WAS INVENTED!! APW WAS THE FIRST ONE, EVER AND IT'S FIRST CHAMPION WAS VBS!!
ME AND TRAVIS THE-.. THE GUY! TRAVIS. HE DOESN'T HAVE A LAST NAME.
I WOULD GO ON TO HOLD THAT TITLE FOR 4000 YEARS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN UNDEFEATED FOREVER!!
BEATING LEGENDS LIKE: ...
...
T- TALL GUYS! BASICALLY!!
I DID THAT FOR 580000 YEARS AND THEN I LOST IT TO MY KOREAN-ROMANIAN STEP-FATHER BECAUSE HE NEVER LIKED ME AND GUESS WHAT, DRIBBLE JIGGLE FIBBLE?!
YOU ARE NOT MY KOREAN-ROMANIAN STEP-FATHER!!"
William raises to his feet at that, too heavy footed and unbalanced to properly catch his feet hit strong enough to throw Travis backwards a little one he's there.
William crashes into the table, and then turns around to face the camera.
"Big people... never feel pain. Never feel sorrow.
And they never get kicked in the balls, yeah?
So they never try to stop themselves getting kicked in the balls. They never tried to block it.
They should just be able to take it...
There was a time where I got kicked in the dick every single match. For weeks...
But last Metal, I did block a groin kick. And despite my nether regions being made of the same material as the center of the milky way, I was-.. I was glad.
It's like...
Guys, these "experience" things..? Are-... are Big Men supposed to learn from their experiences?"
William asks, looking suprisingly upset about it. ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ raises an eyebrow.
"✡︎♏︎♋︎♒︎📪︎ 🕈︎♓︎●︎●︎♓︎♋︎❍︎📬︎ ☺︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎📫︎ 🙰◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⬧︎♓︎⧫︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ◆︎◻︎⬧︎♏︎⧫︎📬︎"
"You're right.
Big Men like me are perfect.
I don't have flaws! No weaknesses! No fears!
Fricking Dick Jick Bitchfucker can't fucking touch me!!! He can't!! My muscles are too muscular, my IQ points are too muscular-.. My-..
I HAVE MORE THAN 2 AAAARMS!!
Come Metal, I'm gonna continue my 1 week win streak, Vol 2!!
That Tick-sized Texan is gonna get steamrolled by VBS!! Lone Ranger fucking ass!
And then my Korean-Romanian step-father is gonna come all the way from Tokyo!! Japan!! And he's gonna be prou- and-.. and-!"
William turns around. Intoxicated, with a odd combination of bodily liquids rolling down his face.
"Tsukiko is a real person, isn't she?
Dangit.."
With that William falls flat on his face.
As ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ calmly strolls beside his body, the recording ends.
While his face is normally spiteful, aggressive, salty, acting like an angry possum staring at an abandoned leather jacket that he thinks is a cat, he is somewhat calm.
He's still sat on this very large hill, in this eery clearing at the dawn of the morning (or thereabouts, time couldn't beat William in a fight so it didn't matter) purely because he likes to think of everyone that lives in Leicester as weak midgets and then insult them in his head, but he's calm.
Breathing, slow..
One breath in.
One out.
One in.
One ou-
Nope, William turns his head and snarls, hearing a noise from behind.
Ready to once again shout at a squirrel for being small, he's instead met with a freakishly large squirrel.
He's actually pleasantly surprised at the hairless, colossal specimen.
And then even less pleasantly surprised when he realises it's just an average sized human.
And then just straight up pissed when he realises it's his cameraman, Jared.
"Why are y-"
"This is my throne room Jared! I come up here to be the fucking best wrestler, and I'm not gonna speak to you unless you're on your knees, midget."
Those loud shouts are like firing a water gun at the sun, at this point. Jared just rolls his eyes and continues forward, trying to sit on the scratched couch William's on.
William's taking up the 3 seater "independently" as he always said, and the last time Jared accidentally touched him William threatened to feed him to some goats so Jared settles for the arm of the chair. And then there's silence. Again. A silence that isn't supposed to be here, but is not unwelcome. William's twitching eyebrow isn't as active as per normal and the big man's just staring at the urban scenery in front.
"Nice view, huh?"
"No it isn't. Shut up, moth," William harshly replies, but at least he's not screaming it.
"I finished the editing on your speech. Wanna take a look at it or you too busy in nature?"
"What spee-?
I don't need to look at anything! I already know I'm gonna wreck DJF and his fake tag team partner.
This new win streak is gonna be proper. Lasting for 150 years, at the least! My first 1 week win streak was a fake-out, meant to keep people guessing. Can't have people knowing my next move, you know?
Now it's already in motion though. DJF will be like "Awww! Look at me! I like ropes! I use the ropes! I will win!"
But he won't fucking win! I've got this in the bag now! I beat the first ever APW Champion, last week!
By disqualification, the best way to win.
Does that make ME the first ever APW World Champion?
Well, it's open to interpretation but, yes, absolutely.
And this win streak is gonna be the real one because I learned from-.. Because I'm the best! Why am I explaining it to you, anyway?" William says this in his harshest, most bestest voice but his harshness (and bestness) is delayed.
He's in thought. Most likely dumb, "barely an excuse for thoughts" thoughts, but still, thoughts. It's unusual. There's something William isn't telling him.
Luckily for Jared, William is a moron and so Jared doesn't care.
"You know Tsukiko is a real person, right?"
William lets out a loud, forced laugh.
"Ooooooh yeah, from the great nation of Japania where frogs ribbit and the sun rises and all that crap!
It's gonna take more than a flag and a position on several international peace treaties to get stupid weebs to make me think their fake country is real. It's Narnia all over again!
DJF is a midget. And everyone knows midegst use their dumb, midget brains to trick my smart, big brains into losing wrestling matches.
But that isn't working anymore! Didn't work last week against Vonn Richter in that 4 way, won't against me!
Because I have lear-
I mean-! BECAUSE I'M THE BEST!!
WRESTLER!! An-!
AND PERSON!!
I never even so much as think about my matches, or my skills, or my moves!
Because VBS' invincible!! And I can never lose!! I-!
That loss two weeks ago was cheap and it wasn't even by disqualification, which as I said before, is the only one that matters!!
So come Metal, I'M JUST GONNA WIN!!
Because DJF stands for:
Dumb
Jerk
Frick
And crushing midgets like him is what VBS do best!" William stands up fast, nearly knocking the couch over and then marches away muttering "where's Travis? Criminal, little malicious..."
Taking this in stride, Jared turns and shouts "What about the speech you did? Doesn't what you just said kinda contradict that?"
William growls and stamps his foot once. He turns, scratching the back of his head once again.
"Listen midget: For the last fricking time!!
I don't contradict, I don't worry, I don't do any self reflection shit!! And if anyone thinks otherwise they're lying!!
Big people don't need to THINK!!
I HAVE NO THOUGHTS!!
And I will NEVER!
NEVER!
NEEEEEEVEEEER!!
THINK!!" William practically screams, acting much more regular for him. He kicks a stick away and then hobbles away, his t-shirt scrunched up because of how long he'd been sitting.
Jared waits until William's swaddled out of ear shot and then chuckles to himself. He looks down and feels the phone in his pocket and then thinks back to William's speech from Wednesday.
A speech of a human.
A speech with elements of both triumph and failure.
One with elements of socialism, an analysis of society and a thought-provoking deconstruction of William himself.
And all of it that being completely untrue as it was just William getting shitfaced while celebrating VBS' win and then falling through the window of an Arby's.
----
"I have.. I f-.. fff-... ucking vandalised the establishment. I.. I.. jump.
I am more.. agility... than Duh-Juh-Fuh.. I am."
William the Behemoth lays among the rubble of a caved in glass window, broken right through to let in all the air from the night that's been drenched in moonlight.
❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ very carefully tries to manoeuvre across the broken glass, as William crawls further into the closed Arby's, like a disobedient toddler.
The camera shakes a bit as the stoic ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ makes a large step over the broken window.
"Ye- yeah! And here's the thing about midgets like Dick Jick Ficker- fucker, I mean.
So what? Y- ya know! He's a master of ropes, so what?! What's he gonna do? Climb me?!
And what has he done so far? Huh?!
Nothing!
Us?
We beat Jubei and Osbourne!! Two very accom- accomated- acom- they win a lot!! We demolished those fools so badly- so- we won so much that they lost by DQ!!!
D!!!!!! Q!!!!!!!!!!!
Which is-.. n't... a fluke because...
...
..."
"💧︎⧫︎♋︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎📪︎ ⬧︎●︎♓︎❍︎📬︎ ✋︎ ♎︎□︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♐︎♋︎●︎●︎📬︎"
❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ tries to grab hold of William's arm as the man climbs up a nearby table, nearly falling back if he wasn't caught by his expressionless tag partner.
"Dim Jerk Failure can't beat me! Us!
How the heck is his high flying offense gonna work? My legs are too muscular for me to lose my balance. And another thi-"
William tries to stand and slips back onto ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎.
"Thin- thing. How is his edginess gonna compare to my edginess? My eeeeevilness? He comes out, tries to- tries to play to the crowd. He's been getting fricking steamrolled by that Vonn "James Bond" Richter so how's he gonna stop a guy like me? Guys like you, too, Travis. How?
L- limb targeting? Except no because my limbs are made of steel and my joints are made of solid rock and don't cause me any pain! At all!
Mind games? Taunt me? That might work be- because he's a complete dick but so am I! Like not- not like Damp Jarring Fool levels of jerk, but still! I'll just call him like-.. the Lost... Coal! And then he'll be crying and won't- won't even be able to fight!
And since Tsukiko isn't real; this, ONCE AGAIN, is a two on one handi- hand- two hand-... match.
I-..
I have two hands."
William drunkenly allows his body to fall backwards onto the ground. He's flat on his back, staring ag the ceiling as ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ awkwardly watches over him.
"❄︎⬧︎◆︎🙵♓︎🙵□︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ❒︎♏︎♋︎●︎📬︎ 💧︎♒︎♏︎🕯︎⬧︎ □︎◆︎❒︎ □︎◻︎◻︎□︎■︎♏︎■︎⧫︎📬︎"
"Yeah-.. yeah, you're exactly right.
Doofus Joofus Foofus has probably never won a match by DQ in his life!!
He's probably-.. prolly one of then deniers that say it isn't a real win, that-.. that like wrestling with weapons! And chairs! Thro- thr- throw chairs!
You're all-.. flash no substance. But I'vd been undefeated for like... 11 years now, I know how to beat a guy attracted to ropes.
And-! I can take pain! I like pain! If pain was a person I would take them to a-.. romantic dinner at a Nandos and then pain'd say they liked me and I'd act all cool and badass and no- non- I wouldn't be Chalant. And it'd be cool and pain would say "I care about you, and value y-" -?.
What the fuck am I-..?
FUCK IT!!
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW THIS WORKS, DROOL JUUL FOOL!!
IN LIFE, THERE ARE BIG MEN, AND THERE ARE DUMB MIDGETS WHO DON'T PAY THEIR TAXES!!
2000 YEARS AGO, DURING THE 1990'S WRESTLING WAS INVENTED!! APW WAS THE FIRST ONE, EVER AND IT'S FIRST CHAMPION WAS VBS!!
ME AND TRAVIS THE-.. THE GUY! TRAVIS. HE DOESN'T HAVE A LAST NAME.
I WOULD GO ON TO HOLD THAT TITLE FOR 4000 YEARS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN UNDEFEATED FOREVER!!
BEATING LEGENDS LIKE: ...
...
T- TALL GUYS! BASICALLY!!
I DID THAT FOR 580000 YEARS AND THEN I LOST IT TO MY KOREAN-ROMANIAN STEP-FATHER BECAUSE HE NEVER LIKED ME AND GUESS WHAT, DRIBBLE JIGGLE FIBBLE?!
YOU ARE NOT MY KOREAN-ROMANIAN STEP-FATHER!!"
William raises to his feet at that, too heavy footed and unbalanced to properly catch his feet hit strong enough to throw Travis backwards a little one he's there.
William crashes into the table, and then turns around to face the camera.
"Big people... never feel pain. Never feel sorrow.
And they never get kicked in the balls, yeah?
So they never try to stop themselves getting kicked in the balls. They never tried to block it.
They should just be able to take it...
There was a time where I got kicked in the dick every single match. For weeks...
But last Metal, I did block a groin kick. And despite my nether regions being made of the same material as the center of the milky way, I was-.. I was glad.
It's like...
Guys, these "experience" things..? Are-... are Big Men supposed to learn from their experiences?"
William asks, looking suprisingly upset about it. ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ raises an eyebrow.
"✡︎♏︎♋︎♒︎📪︎ 🕈︎♓︎●︎●︎♓︎♋︎❍︎📬︎ ☺︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎📫︎ 🙰◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⬧︎♓︎⧫︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ◆︎◻︎⬧︎♏︎⧫︎📬︎"
"You're right.
Big Men like me are perfect.
I don't have flaws! No weaknesses! No fears!
Fricking Dick Jick Bitchfucker can't fucking touch me!!! He can't!! My muscles are too muscular, my IQ points are too muscular-.. My-..
I HAVE MORE THAN 2 AAAARMS!!
Come Metal, I'm gonna continue my 1 week win streak, Vol 2!!
That Tick-sized Texan is gonna get steamrolled by VBS!! Lone Ranger fucking ass!
And then my Korean-Romanian step-father is gonna come all the way from Tokyo!! Japan!! And he's gonna be prou- and-.. and-!"
William turns around. Intoxicated, with a odd combination of bodily liquids rolling down his face.
"Tsukiko is a real person, isn't she?
Dangit.."
With that William falls flat on his face.
As ❄︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⬧︎ calmly strolls beside his body, the recording ends.
