Who Pulls the Strings? Featuring Boner the Clown! (1900Words

The scene opens to show Cray standing alone in front of a circus backdrop. He speaks in a monotoned voice.

”The Producer has contacted us and stated we have not been professional enough with our delivery. We need to give you a disclaimer as the following scenes can be deemed uncomfortable and unsettling. You see, when the Kingdom Come card was announced I was ready to vomit. Having to team with a man who is disillusioned and a literal…”

Cray gags a bit almost heaving and vomitting.

”... clown. I was rightfully pissed off. I called the Producer up and told them, and the Network. I told them fuck this fuckity ass shit. Then the Producer told me that had I done things their way then maybe I would have beaten Tsukiko and been given a shot at a title. So fuck it, let’s do it their way.”

Cray disappears off camera as the camera zooms in on the backdrop. The lights begin to dim and flicker as a creepy rendition of “Entry of the Gladiators” begins to play. It is slow and precise as we see a clown enter the scene riding a unicycle. An audio clip of laughter and clapping can be heard as the clown stops riding and dismounts the cycle. He looks around as a stock clip of five kids sitting on a carpet is shown. The clown speaks softly.

”Hey kiddos! Boner the clown here and have I got some good entertainment for you! Today I am going to tell you a story. Would you like that?”

The kids cheer and scream “Yeah!” The camera shows Boner, who is obviously Cray Mitchell under a bad Pennywise costume, siting in a chair and holds a book up to the screen.

”This story is called Dakota Franco and the Absence of Pneuma.”

He begins turning the pages, which are way too obviously blank.

”There once was a jackass named Dakota Joseph Franco. The jackass was special in all the wrong ways. He claimed to be creative but his output proved otherwise. One day DJF, as he preferred to be called, told the Queen Irina, that he had the secret formula to defeat the best of the best. When the Queen came by, it was obvious that DJF had done no work. He was a lazy jackass.”

He turns the page and continues. His voice changes with each character going high for the queen and very low for DJF.

”DJF,

said Queen Irina,

you claimed you had all the answers and yet here you are wallowing in and eating your own filth. What have you to say about this?

DJF nods. Yes my queen. I have the answer. Unfortunately I do not have the means to tell you. You see I cannot talk.

Queen Irina looks at DJF in a confused manner as she speaks.

But, you are speaking.

DJF nods.

Yes my queen it is just, I do not know how to translate from jackass to English the steps needed to defeat the best. It is an ancient Jackass secret. Passed down from my grandmother to my mother to me. I was chosen as my mom had no others to tell. I am not, how you say, well versed in the ways of the World. I am but a lowly jackass with a creative brain but not the pnema in which to speak it.

The Queen was even more confused than before.

Uh huh… figure it out and let me know. I will be back in three days. If you do not have the answers it will be off with your head.”

The kids all moan a bit some even begin getting sick.

”Seventy two hours passed, that is three days kids, and the Queen returned to the lair of DJF who, again, was literally eating shit. Irina cleared her throat.

DJF have you any updates?

DJF shook his head side to side.

No my Queen. You see Cray Mitchell, Gigglez, and Vonn Richter have me confused. I cannot figure out their weakness.

The Queen nods at her knight who produces the sword and decapitates DJF. The jackasses body falls to the ground as his head talks.

I am sorry my Queen I have failed you.

Moral of the story kids is don’t talk out of your ass. THE END”

The kids applaud.

”I know this brainless idiot. I defeated him in my debut… I mean Cray Mitchell defeated him in his debut… the only match Cray Mitchell has ever won.

You see, I am not Cray Mitchell much like Aaron Blaze is a glorified stuntman and not a real wrestler. You see Blaze is what I like to call a bit of an overachiever. He gets by on lucky breaks and not skills.

He is not a wrestler. He is a fraud and it is time someone real exposes that. It is time for Gigglez to get a hold of Aaron Blaze. Gigglez is someone that Boner trusts completely. You see, Gigglez and Boner go WAAAAAAAAAY back and Gigglez is…. Effective.

He may not be the most… desired man in this business but I respect what he has done already. I see you working Gigglez and Boner approves.”

Boner begins wiping the paint from his face revealing himself to be Cray Mitchell. He laughs as he has a seat at his desk. He has a picture of Jordi Trash on his desk. He looks at it.

”This is your man’s? This is the guy who is expected to take me, Gigglez, and Richter out? This is the guy I am supposed to fear?

This is the one who is supposed to be taken seriously? The dude looks like he walked out of a Billy Ray Cyrus music video. He needs to go back up the old town road he came from and not step foot in the ring with me this week.

Jordi likes to say fuck a lot. Is that supposed to intimidate me? I think fuck was my first word. My second was pussy. So Jordi what say you ya fucking pussy?

What makes you think you can last five minutes in the ring with me? I am classically trained. I was rich before you knew what rich was. I mean I had six figures when I was only four. What makes you special? What makes you think you can even come close to beating me?

Jordi, when I look at you I see someone who has used privilege his whole life. I see someone who never had to work for anything because his people owned the world. Being asian I understand what oppression is. I know what it is like...”

The screen goes staticy as we see an office chair with some long blonde hair showing on the sides. The letter P adorns the back of the chair. Cray sighs.

”Hello, Madam Producer. How are you?”

The Producer laughs a bit.

”How am I doing? How the hell do you think I am doing? You are not sticking to the script. You are going rogue and I am sick and damn tired of it. You are constantly going off on your own agenda and I will be there in Japan at Bulletproof to critique how well you are changing to fit what WE need to accomplish. End of transmission until you can show me proof that you are taking OUR mission seriously.”

The producer fades out as Cray shakes his head.

”Sorry about that folks, seems the Network has taken us down for the time being. With that being said I would like to talk to the world about APW as a whole. This company is a top notch company however a few problems that seem small now will turn into major problems in the near future. The Network is waging war against these travesties.

The Man Made Gods are a nostalgia act and should not be champions of anything. Corey Black likes to say he is the King of All Wrestlers when he has yet to prove he is the king of anything. Frank Patrick Venable is about as necessary as a heart attack. You see these two are in the Dusk. It is time for new dawn to arise.

Eli Beazley may be interesting but he doesn’t know how to carry himself. He is a champion who acts like a five year old. I can already hear people putting down my satirical style but my penis jokes have meaning. His penis jokes are simply to get laughs out of prepubescent boys like Justin Bieber.

L Verez is the least likely Hardcore Champion in the history of Hardcore Titles. She is someone who needs to be put in her place. She needs to get to the back of the line and deal with that fact that she is a never was. She will always be a wannabe Bonnie Blue.

That brings me to Damon Warrens. Someone who lucked into a World Title. Someone who will never be World Champion again once he loses it. He got lucky. Plain and simple. He won’t be lucky his entire career. I doubt Jason Ryan takes it from him but just know Mr Warrens, I am coming after you. You will die like the rest.

Ultimately this is the beginning of a new Cray Mitchell. The Producer has put her trust in me to jumpstart this revolution and that is what I plan on doing. I plan on following orders to get things off the ground. The Network is watching us all. Join us before we take you all OFF...THE...AIR!”

Cray walks off and to a part of his house without cameras. He tosses his suit jacket off. He speaks to himself shaking his head.

”What the fuck am I doing? Letting her play puppet master while I am the one connected to the strings. That is not who I am. I am my own man. As long as I have a contract with the Producer and the Network… I will cease to be the Cray Mitchell I truly am.”

Cray begins to break into a Disney style song of empowerment.

(Sing Songy)

”What has become of me?
Why am I doing her bidding?
Why am I the one who can’t see?
This isn’t a war worth fighting?

When I look into my mirror.
I see the man I have become.
I laugh and then cry to see that I…
Am caught under her skinny thumb!

You see this isn’t how I want life.
Everything used to have meaning.
Now I sit from behind this mask.
This is not the musical for which I was auditioning!

This song may just seem
Like another form of bitching
Here in my room she can’t hear me
In this uncertain time everything is so bewitchting.

Fuck this life
Fuck her work
Fuck everything she says
As she lurks

Sometime, someday
We will surely see!

Fuck this life
Fuck her work
Fuck everything she says
As she lurks

(Speaking)

Here she can’t hear me. Here I don’t have to do her bidding. I will soon wage war but which side will I be on?”

Cray laughs like mad as we hear the Producer’s voice.

”You better be on my side.”

Cray looks around confused.

”Yes Madam.”

He holds a middle finger to the sky as the scene fades to black.