How a Real Champ Runs Game
Jun 23, 2019 18:55:47 GMT -5
Adam Dante, BonnieBlue, and 2 more like this
Post by Steven Osbourne on Jun 23, 2019 18:55:47 GMT -5
Osbourne: First off let me set the record straight. When the lights went out Odin Balfore did not knock out our opponents. It was all me. I dropped my pants and showed everyone my Big Stevie. Then they fainted either out of jealousy or out of desire. I'm not quite sure which one. Quite frankly I'm sort of impressed my tag team partner Lucy was able to withstand the force. I know everyone thinks I'm lying but that's why I'm being booked in a tournament for the junior heavyweight championship. The powers that be want to throw shade at my girth. I assure you... my big Stevie is no junior heavyweight. Now Veronica she said she doubted my commitment, she said I didn't really want to win the junior heavyweight championship. So obviously I shot this video in order to prove her wrong.
The scene fades into the bedroom. Big shocker. It looks like it's a cheap motel room. Steven is there wearing nothing but a pink thong. Your welcome for the mental image. Wrapped in a sheet is a shapely brunette.
Osbourne: This is Brianne. Say hello Brianne.
Brianne: I'm not letting you film this.
Osbourne: Wouldn't dream of it. Now like I was saying. This is Brianne. Brianne is a solid seven.
Brianne: I'm right here you dick!
Osbourne: You know you're not a 10 either.
Brianne: Yeah but you're at least supposed to pretend I am. That's how this is supposed to go.
Osbourne: You don't know how things go with the Wizard of Os-some.
Brianne: I know that I should be leaving.
Osbourne: But you're not.
Brianne: Fuck a celebrity is on my bucket list.
Osbourne: Since I'm on tv I count, right? Now imagine if I was a champion. Then I would be able to fuck much hotter girls then you.
Brianne sighs.
Brianne: This is probably my last chance to fuck a celebrity isn't it? I knew I should have fucked Paul Rudd. But he just seemed so evil.
Osbourne: This is your last chance because once I'm junior heavyweight champion.. I'll be able to score them of them euro chicks with the hot accents and even hotter bodies.
Now since I'm a gentleman I honoured my promise and turned off the camera. But trust me when I say I made her call me the super sexy boogeyman slayer. Which brings us to this.. the first round of the junior heavyweight tournament.
Osbourne: This week I face Smith Jones. Is he a motivational speaker, is he a conspiracy theory nut, is he a professional wrestler? The more I see Smith Jones the more I realize.. he's actually none of the above. I hooked up with that ring rat earlier in the week though and she told me that Smith Jones spends most of his time staring in mirrors pretending to be two different people. They don't even have interesting conversations with each other. I think Brianne's story checks out. Nothing Smith does is interesting. The only people who might be motivated by him are people have are having problems sleeping. Because listening to Smith drone on for a few seconds.. that'll put you out like a light.
Osbourne: He believes he's some sort of great motivational speaker apparently. Just like he believes he's some sort of great professional wrestler. Only one thing.. it's been almost a month and we haven't actually heard one of his damn speeches! I imagine people leave your speeches feeling inspired... they feel better about themselves because they aren't you!
Steven pulls out a pink t shirt that states "I am not Smith Jones" and puts on it.
Osbourne: I bought this at one of your speaking engagements. I was hoping to hear some whacked out conspiracy theories because that would at least be fun. Apparently that's your m.o. according to your biographer. I think he musta lied. He was probably just trying to make you sound exciting. But on the plus side I totally scored with this bored chick at the show so that's for that.. I guess.
Osbourne: You know what I have learned though? Every single thing you've claimed has been a lie. Conspiracy buff. Haven't heard one word. Motivational speaker? You sir are no Tony Robbins. You aren't even as motivating as Pauly Shore if we're being honest. As for your repeated claims of what a great wrestler you are. Please. I saw you in action last week. You weren't even smart enough to tap out when you were beat. You had no hope in Hell of breaking Braxton Locus's hold so you let him knock you unconscious risking injury instead of tapping out. You're supposed to be this great veteran yet you allowed yourself to go into this tournament injured because your pride didn't let you tap out last week? You've wrestled all these years and never learned a damn thing apparently.
Steven pauses considering something.
Osbourne: Why do you call your finisher the point of controversy when there is literally nothing controversial about you? You are as bland as white rice. I'm the true talent in this match. I'm going to win this match because I've been in positions you wouldn't even dream possible! Both in the bedroom... and in the wrestling ring. Last week all you could do is pass out against Braxton. I never would have even been in the position to lose that match! See Smith.. I can out think, and out wrestle you. And if that doesn't work I can certainly out cheat you. I'm the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer! I'm the stuff that dreams are made of. You..
Are...
Smith...
Jones...
Steven shakes his head.
Osbourne: That isn't even your real name is it? It's an obvious fake. But to be fair that's the best thing about you. Everything you claim to stand for is fake. Why not a fake name too! I would claim you are all hype but let's be real. Nobody is actually hyped about you. When the people hear the name Steven Osbourne they expect to be entertained with the finest showman in wrestling history. When they hear the name Smith Jones.. they think... who the fuck is that?
Steven shrugs.
Osbourne: This week isn't going to change that for you Smith. I'm real worried about this week's match.
Steven tries unsuccessfully to hide his smirk.
Osbourne: No.. not about the result. There is no question that I'm going to beat Smith. That's a given. What I'm worried about is whether or not I'm going to be able to convince Irina to allow me change the color of the belt to pink. Because as we all know real men wear pink. And the Oz is certainly going to be pretty in pink when I become the first champion in APW history. There may be only one Smith Jones but nobody cares because there are 15 million people like him. I'm a true original. If you don't know the difference now Smith you will when our match is over. You only really have one thing going for you Smith.. a hot fiancé.
Steven holds his hands up.
Osbourne: Now I could say something cheesy like she should drop the zero and go home with a home. But I won't. Even though it's true. No.. I'm gonna leave your relationship alone. Mainly because.. I feel sorry for you. That is literally the only thing you have going for you. After this week everyone is going to know you aren't half the wrestler I am. Everyone already knows you aren't a hundredth the entertainer I am. Smith.. you're basically a loser. So I'm gonna let you have something. Besides.. wait until you see the hot chick I get when I got that belt. She's gonna look like young Jenny McCarthy but without that anti vax crap. That's too stupid for even me.
Steven points at the shirt.
Osbourne: After this week you're gonna buy one of these shirts too Smith because you won't want to admit you're Smith Jones. You're a fraud and a liar. Now I don't mind that.. I lie and cheat all the time. The difference is.. I'm actually good at it. What are you good at Smith? Because so far.. I've seen nothing. I don't think that's going to change this week. Let's be real.. I'm doing APW a favour. If you were the champion Smith... nobody would respect this belt. You are lesser in every way. But when the world see Stevie strutting with this title.. they may actually consider the junior heavyweight title the equal of the world title. The man makes the belt Smith.. and there ain't no man like the Oz man.
The scene fades into the bedroom. Big shocker. It looks like it's a cheap motel room. Steven is there wearing nothing but a pink thong. Your welcome for the mental image. Wrapped in a sheet is a shapely brunette.
Osbourne: This is Brianne. Say hello Brianne.
Brianne: I'm not letting you film this.
Osbourne: Wouldn't dream of it. Now like I was saying. This is Brianne. Brianne is a solid seven.
Brianne: I'm right here you dick!
Osbourne: You know you're not a 10 either.
Brianne: Yeah but you're at least supposed to pretend I am. That's how this is supposed to go.
Osbourne: You don't know how things go with the Wizard of Os-some.
Brianne: I know that I should be leaving.
Osbourne: But you're not.
Brianne: Fuck a celebrity is on my bucket list.
Osbourne: Since I'm on tv I count, right? Now imagine if I was a champion. Then I would be able to fuck much hotter girls then you.
Brianne sighs.
Brianne: This is probably my last chance to fuck a celebrity isn't it? I knew I should have fucked Paul Rudd. But he just seemed so evil.
Osbourne: This is your last chance because once I'm junior heavyweight champion.. I'll be able to score them of them euro chicks with the hot accents and even hotter bodies.
Now since I'm a gentleman I honoured my promise and turned off the camera. But trust me when I say I made her call me the super sexy boogeyman slayer. Which brings us to this.. the first round of the junior heavyweight tournament.
Osbourne: This week I face Smith Jones. Is he a motivational speaker, is he a conspiracy theory nut, is he a professional wrestler? The more I see Smith Jones the more I realize.. he's actually none of the above. I hooked up with that ring rat earlier in the week though and she told me that Smith Jones spends most of his time staring in mirrors pretending to be two different people. They don't even have interesting conversations with each other. I think Brianne's story checks out. Nothing Smith does is interesting. The only people who might be motivated by him are people have are having problems sleeping. Because listening to Smith drone on for a few seconds.. that'll put you out like a light.
Osbourne: He believes he's some sort of great motivational speaker apparently. Just like he believes he's some sort of great professional wrestler. Only one thing.. it's been almost a month and we haven't actually heard one of his damn speeches! I imagine people leave your speeches feeling inspired... they feel better about themselves because they aren't you!
Steven pulls out a pink t shirt that states "I am not Smith Jones" and puts on it.
Osbourne: I bought this at one of your speaking engagements. I was hoping to hear some whacked out conspiracy theories because that would at least be fun. Apparently that's your m.o. according to your biographer. I think he musta lied. He was probably just trying to make you sound exciting. But on the plus side I totally scored with this bored chick at the show so that's for that.. I guess.
Osbourne: You know what I have learned though? Every single thing you've claimed has been a lie. Conspiracy buff. Haven't heard one word. Motivational speaker? You sir are no Tony Robbins. You aren't even as motivating as Pauly Shore if we're being honest. As for your repeated claims of what a great wrestler you are. Please. I saw you in action last week. You weren't even smart enough to tap out when you were beat. You had no hope in Hell of breaking Braxton Locus's hold so you let him knock you unconscious risking injury instead of tapping out. You're supposed to be this great veteran yet you allowed yourself to go into this tournament injured because your pride didn't let you tap out last week? You've wrestled all these years and never learned a damn thing apparently.
Steven pauses considering something.
Osbourne: Why do you call your finisher the point of controversy when there is literally nothing controversial about you? You are as bland as white rice. I'm the true talent in this match. I'm going to win this match because I've been in positions you wouldn't even dream possible! Both in the bedroom... and in the wrestling ring. Last week all you could do is pass out against Braxton. I never would have even been in the position to lose that match! See Smith.. I can out think, and out wrestle you. And if that doesn't work I can certainly out cheat you. I'm the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer! I'm the stuff that dreams are made of. You..
Are...
Smith...
Jones...
Steven shakes his head.
Osbourne: That isn't even your real name is it? It's an obvious fake. But to be fair that's the best thing about you. Everything you claim to stand for is fake. Why not a fake name too! I would claim you are all hype but let's be real. Nobody is actually hyped about you. When the people hear the name Steven Osbourne they expect to be entertained with the finest showman in wrestling history. When they hear the name Smith Jones.. they think... who the fuck is that?
Steven shrugs.
Osbourne: This week isn't going to change that for you Smith. I'm real worried about this week's match.
Steven tries unsuccessfully to hide his smirk.
Osbourne: No.. not about the result. There is no question that I'm going to beat Smith. That's a given. What I'm worried about is whether or not I'm going to be able to convince Irina to allow me change the color of the belt to pink. Because as we all know real men wear pink. And the Oz is certainly going to be pretty in pink when I become the first champion in APW history. There may be only one Smith Jones but nobody cares because there are 15 million people like him. I'm a true original. If you don't know the difference now Smith you will when our match is over. You only really have one thing going for you Smith.. a hot fiancé.
Steven holds his hands up.
Osbourne: Now I could say something cheesy like she should drop the zero and go home with a home. But I won't. Even though it's true. No.. I'm gonna leave your relationship alone. Mainly because.. I feel sorry for you. That is literally the only thing you have going for you. After this week everyone is going to know you aren't half the wrestler I am. Everyone already knows you aren't a hundredth the entertainer I am. Smith.. you're basically a loser. So I'm gonna let you have something. Besides.. wait until you see the hot chick I get when I got that belt. She's gonna look like young Jenny McCarthy but without that anti vax crap. That's too stupid for even me.
Steven points at the shirt.
Osbourne: After this week you're gonna buy one of these shirts too Smith because you won't want to admit you're Smith Jones. You're a fraud and a liar. Now I don't mind that.. I lie and cheat all the time. The difference is.. I'm actually good at it. What are you good at Smith? Because so far.. I've seen nothing. I don't think that's going to change this week. Let's be real.. I'm doing APW a favour. If you were the champion Smith... nobody would respect this belt. You are lesser in every way. But when the world see Stevie strutting with this title.. they may actually consider the junior heavyweight title the equal of the world title. The man makes the belt Smith.. and there ain't no man like the Oz man.
