Post by Vonn Richter on May 26, 2020 17:16:13 GMT -5
Vonn Richter is standing at the north end of the Palace of Westminster in front of the world’s most famous clock tower. He’s wearing a tan Mackintosh coat even though it’s bright and sunny.
Richter: I’m already here in London for Kingdom Come and decided to do some sight-seeing. People talk about how impressive Big Ben is but believe me, it’s nothing special. I got a Bigger Ben in my pants!!
He laughs at his own joke.
Richter: I only told that so when Steven Osborne does it’ll be called diminutive. You snooze you lose, loser!
More laughter.
Richter: So Alpha Pro Wrestling has decided to put me in a three man tag match with five people looking for direction. That’s fine. I can handle that load. I will carry them all to a decent match that will end with me scoring the winning pin or submission. Who are these five? Let’s go through the list!
Richter: First is GOG Cray Mitchell. GOG is a stupid name for a wrestler, but is not the stupidest name for a wrestler in this match as we will soon see. GOG wants to be a social media influencer but the only way he influences people is to have them change the channel when he wrestles. He likes to sing and dance, which is stupid. Wrestling isn’t about singing or dancing. This isn’t a musical; this is war! I hate that GOG Cray Mitchell doesn’t respect this business like I do. You want to sing and dance go join he ballet!
There’s a shimmering effect on the screen as we transition to a flashback. Young Vonn Richter is watching ‘Swan Lake’ on PBS.
Young Vonn: Mama, can I sign up for ballet lessons?
Young Vonn’s Mama: No! Ballet is for girls and sissies, Vonn!!
Another shimmying effect as we rejoin Vonn in the present. The big man’s expression is momentarily one of a soul haunted. He shakes it off and recovers.
Richter: Then there is my other tag partner Giggles. Oh, man! Yeah he’s undefeated at Alpha Wrestling but that doesn’t mean I’m lucky to be working with him. I’m going to do some straight shooting here. Clowns in wrestling suck! They’re not funny or scary and most of them wear greasepaint which gets all over you in a match and ruins the aesthetic. You’re trying to get your eight pack abs over with the marks and here comes Giggles or Tatters or Puzzles or Switches and you put ‘em in a standing side headlock and you get a big shmeer of red and white all fucking over you! My body is the Mona Lisa and I don’t need someone finger-painting on it, thank you very much. Wrestling clowns are ass and I’m embarrassed to be sharing a ring with one.
Cue another flashback! Young Vonn is celebrating his birthday at an outside party. There’s a bunch of kids watching him lift up a set of barbells made from a collection of twisted balloons.
Young Vonn: I’m the strongest boy in the world!
Birthday Clown: Hyuck hyuk hyuck! Not with those arms, Pudgy!
The clown pinches the fat on Young Vonn’s doughy biceps. The kids laugh. Vonn’s Mom laughs. Vonn’s lip trembles. When the flashback ends it’s still trembling.
Richter: Can we- can we stop rolling for a sec?
There’s an edit, and when the promo resumes Vonn is back to his confident, bombastic self.
Richter: Now is time to talk about my three opponents! First there’s Jordi Trash who I won’t talk about at all except to ask did you like what you got in your stocking!?! A big old lump of ass whooping courtesy of Santa Vonn! Ahahahah! Go back to the dump, jobber, or as a British person might say: goe bahck to the tip, jobbah!
No surprise, Vonn’s attempt at a British accent is terrible.
Richter: Who else do I need to roast? There’s Aaron Blaze aka the third wheel of the Bloodline. Jason Ryan gets a World Title shot and soul reaver gets a Hardcore Title shot and what do you get? A spot in a clusterfuck of a match where odds are you’re going to be the one eating the pin for your side. Way to represent your faction, dork! I’m going to make a cultural reference since we’re here in Jolly old England. If the Bloodline are the Beatles you’re Ringo Starr. If the Bloodline are the Spice Girls you’re Sporty. If the Bloodline are mince meat pie you’re the mince. Get it? Got it? Good!
Richter: That just leaves DJF, the guy with the worst name in this match. What does DJF even mean? Dork Jobber Feeb? I’m sure it’s the initials for your real name but I don’t even care enough to look it up. That’s how little you matter!! You suck, your team sucks, and my team sucks but at least it’s got me on it so that’s why we’re going to win! Now, time to let the sightseers see a sight worth seeing! Check me out you Limey rubes!
Vonn rips off the Mackintosh revealing his oiled up physique. He begins to cycle through various bodybuilding poses as the tourists around him watched bemusedly. The promo ends.
Richter: I’m already here in London for Kingdom Come and decided to do some sight-seeing. People talk about how impressive Big Ben is but believe me, it’s nothing special. I got a Bigger Ben in my pants!!
He laughs at his own joke.
Richter: I only told that so when Steven Osborne does it’ll be called diminutive. You snooze you lose, loser!
More laughter.
Richter: So Alpha Pro Wrestling has decided to put me in a three man tag match with five people looking for direction. That’s fine. I can handle that load. I will carry them all to a decent match that will end with me scoring the winning pin or submission. Who are these five? Let’s go through the list!
Richter: First is GOG Cray Mitchell. GOG is a stupid name for a wrestler, but is not the stupidest name for a wrestler in this match as we will soon see. GOG wants to be a social media influencer but the only way he influences people is to have them change the channel when he wrestles. He likes to sing and dance, which is stupid. Wrestling isn’t about singing or dancing. This isn’t a musical; this is war! I hate that GOG Cray Mitchell doesn’t respect this business like I do. You want to sing and dance go join he ballet!
There’s a shimmering effect on the screen as we transition to a flashback. Young Vonn Richter is watching ‘Swan Lake’ on PBS.
Young Vonn: Mama, can I sign up for ballet lessons?
Young Vonn’s Mama: No! Ballet is for girls and sissies, Vonn!!
Another shimmying effect as we rejoin Vonn in the present. The big man’s expression is momentarily one of a soul haunted. He shakes it off and recovers.
Richter: Then there is my other tag partner Giggles. Oh, man! Yeah he’s undefeated at Alpha Wrestling but that doesn’t mean I’m lucky to be working with him. I’m going to do some straight shooting here. Clowns in wrestling suck! They’re not funny or scary and most of them wear greasepaint which gets all over you in a match and ruins the aesthetic. You’re trying to get your eight pack abs over with the marks and here comes Giggles or Tatters or Puzzles or Switches and you put ‘em in a standing side headlock and you get a big shmeer of red and white all fucking over you! My body is the Mona Lisa and I don’t need someone finger-painting on it, thank you very much. Wrestling clowns are ass and I’m embarrassed to be sharing a ring with one.
Cue another flashback! Young Vonn is celebrating his birthday at an outside party. There’s a bunch of kids watching him lift up a set of barbells made from a collection of twisted balloons.
Young Vonn: I’m the strongest boy in the world!
Birthday Clown: Hyuck hyuk hyuck! Not with those arms, Pudgy!
The clown pinches the fat on Young Vonn’s doughy biceps. The kids laugh. Vonn’s Mom laughs. Vonn’s lip trembles. When the flashback ends it’s still trembling.
Richter: Can we- can we stop rolling for a sec?
There’s an edit, and when the promo resumes Vonn is back to his confident, bombastic self.
Richter: Now is time to talk about my three opponents! First there’s Jordi Trash who I won’t talk about at all except to ask did you like what you got in your stocking!?! A big old lump of ass whooping courtesy of Santa Vonn! Ahahahah! Go back to the dump, jobber, or as a British person might say: goe bahck to the tip, jobbah!
No surprise, Vonn’s attempt at a British accent is terrible.
Richter: Who else do I need to roast? There’s Aaron Blaze aka the third wheel of the Bloodline. Jason Ryan gets a World Title shot and soul reaver gets a Hardcore Title shot and what do you get? A spot in a clusterfuck of a match where odds are you’re going to be the one eating the pin for your side. Way to represent your faction, dork! I’m going to make a cultural reference since we’re here in Jolly old England. If the Bloodline are the Beatles you’re Ringo Starr. If the Bloodline are the Spice Girls you’re Sporty. If the Bloodline are mince meat pie you’re the mince. Get it? Got it? Good!
Richter: That just leaves DJF, the guy with the worst name in this match. What does DJF even mean? Dork Jobber Feeb? I’m sure it’s the initials for your real name but I don’t even care enough to look it up. That’s how little you matter!! You suck, your team sucks, and my team sucks but at least it’s got me on it so that’s why we’re going to win! Now, time to let the sightseers see a sight worth seeing! Check me out you Limey rubes!
Vonn rips off the Mackintosh revealing his oiled up physique. He begins to cycle through various bodybuilding poses as the tourists around him watched bemusedly. The promo ends.
