Post by Steven Osbourne on May 17, 2020 5:40:51 GMT -5
This is an unusual scene. We appear to be in a packed church. Has Steven Osbourne rejoined that cult and it's become more popular? The strangeness continues as most of the people in the church are ladies. Also on the strange scale is Amber Del Vallee wearing a conservative, especially for her, black dress and sobbing uncontrollably. Veronica Anderson wearing a modest cut but bright red dress looks angry. The strangeness is topped off by the large, unnessaurily expensive looking casket at the front of the church. Amber approaches the coffin looking in at Steven Osbourne.
ADV: Oh my Big Stevie! I can't believe you're gone. It's seems like only yesterday we were having sex on a swing set. Wait like that was yesterday. I'll always remember the ass pain from when the swing broke.
Amber walks away crying. Veronica approaches next looking into the coffin with digust.
Anderson: Get up! I know you're faking this. I read your obituary.. you died after bringing 47 consective women to orgasm? Get real! If you don't get up right this instance.
The dead former super sexy boogeyman slayer stays dead. Veronica sighs.
Anderson: Don't say I didn't warn you...
Veronica reaches into the coffin.. grabbing Steven hard by the groin. Steven shrieks.
Anderson: I fucking knew it! You are such an asshole. Why exactly did you pull this stunt?
Osbourne: Could you let go please?
Veronica relunctly releases her death grip.
Anderson: Fine.. But only because you have a match and I don't want to injure you. But look what you put poor Amber through.
Osbourne: I told Amber I was faking.
Amber stops crying and smiles.
ADV: Oh yeah.. you like totally did. I just sorta like forgot and stuff.
Anderson: Why didn't you tell me then!
Osbourne: Because I knew you'd be mad.
Anderson: Guess.. I wonder why I would be angry. You wasted all of these people's time.. a ton of money... and for what? I swear if you don't have a good reason I'm gonna let them bury you.
Osbourne: First off.. I wanted to hear people say nice things about me. It's great for the ego!
Anderson: You're a sleazebag.
Osbourne: See.. that's the kind of talk I was hoping to avoid. Secondly.. this is gonna get me laid.
Anderson: You must be delusional.
Osbourne: Finally and most importantly I wanted to show how self absorbed, how selfish, how utterly deviot of any moral fibre you have to be in order to fake your own death. In short I wanted to know what it was like to be Masada Judei.
Anderson: Urg.. isn't being Steven Osbourne bad enough?
Osbourne: When I was laying there in that coffin I got insight into why Judei faked his own death. That information is going to be invaluable to me when I face him this week.
Anderson: Oh really?
Steven continues to speak as the now angry crowd files out including the priest who spits out "I hope you burn in Hell" at Osbourne before leaving.
Osbourne: All the sluts are going to Hell. Where else would I want to be?
Anderson: Let's be real.. you were already going there.
Osbourne: I can't really agrue with you on that point Ronnie. But you do.. I faked my own death to get chicks.
Anderson: Which is stupid.
Osbourne: But not as stupid as why Judei faked his own death. He did it to escape reality. See Judei calls himself the Master. But a more accurate nickname would be the Masterbator.
Anderson: Real classy.
Osbourne: Because Masada is all about verbally stroking himself off. But in the end when you're the only one giving yourself verbal pleasure it's kind of hollow. It's kind of meaningless. Masada was the world champion. But he had a secret. His best days were past. And he knew it. He knew that soon the world was going to learn the same. So he needed to disappear from APW. He did it in the easiest, most obvious way possible.. by faking his own death. You thought you would be remembered fondly as the only wrestling champion in APW history who no one could ever beat for their title. In my mind you go down in history as the only man too cowardly and weak to defend your own championship. I've lost the junior heavyweight championship twice. To Tsukiko and to Jaice Wilds.. somehow. I lost the North American Championship to Zombie McMorris. I lost those matches but I was more of a winner in those then you ever were. You ruined your own legacy Masada. I lost those matches but I did my level best to win them. You didn't. You walked away so you wouldn't lose. That's the lowest of the low to me. Failure is always an option. Not trying isn't.
Anderson: It's true. I've seen you with women.
Osbourne: Exactly Ronnie! I could get shot down 100 times and I'd still try once more in hopes of success. I know that you're a failure because of how you represented yourself. Does anyone else remember the time you branched out.. to compete at XIII in the king of the death match tournament? You were the APW world champion and you disgraced the company. Not getting in a single move during your first round match.
Steven shrugs.
Osbourne: It happens, right? Well does it happen against Jayson Price? I'm not talking about WCF world champion level Jayson Price. I'm not even talking about the Jayson Price who recently took the Man Made Gods to the limit at Gods of Wrestling. Nope.. I'm talking about at the height of his alcohol addiction, fresh off being embarassed and outsmarted by Mama Statche may not won two matches in the past year Jayson Price. That guy was the guy who exposed you as the washed up fraud you truly are. To further prove my point Jayson would go on to lose in the finals to another man who's greatest claim to fame is faking their own death, Beau Blaze.
Steven grins.
Osbourne: I gotta ask though. Did you die from embarassment? No.. that's not even it. Your ego couldn't handle the fact you were no longer the guy you thought you were. But here's a newflash Masada.. you never were that guy. You were the first APW world champion. Yeah.. so what? You won that world title from Brandon Locus.
Anderson: Braxton Locus.
Osbourne: Yep and the fact I couldn't remember that says it all. Everyone else won the world title from a real competitor. Smith Jones, Z Mac, FPV. You had the good fortune of defeating someone who was only on world title level because the fed just opened. Then there's your Masada Corporation. Chalk full of members who never accomplished a damn thing except for making you look impressive. I mean c'mon after you faked your death you gave over control to Allen Anderson. That alone shows how egotistical you are. You gave it to someone you knew was going to fail because that way he couldn't possibly overshadow you, right?
Anderson: I can't believe you're mentioning someone else's ego.
Osbourne: Yeah. I got a huge ego too. Takes one to know one. The difference is.. I earned mine. Masada's reputation as a wrestler is based off the fact he earned lots of money as a businessman. Am I supposed to be impressed that he hosted his own show? I'd be more impressed if he didn't handpick a semi retired opponent in Jason Zurra and still have to screw him over in order to win. That's the same Jason Zurra who was dominated by Odin Balfore a few weeks earlier by the way.
Steven shakes his head.
Osbourne: You don't even want to be here Masada.. and it shows. I suffered a career threatening injury at the hands of Alex Richards and I not only worked hard to come back but the very first time I did when I was recovered was challenge him! The only reason you are even on the roster is because of your giant ego. Because of the fact you believe you are smarter then everyone else. You couldn't resist appearing on Gods of Wrestling just so you could gloat that you got one over on the world and faked your own death and earned even more money then before. Yadda yadda yadda. This is all tired and played out. It's boring Judei. It's the same old shit. But hey you proved once and for all you were still dangerous as a fighter right by destroying Vincent Pryde.
Steven laughs.
Osbourne: Does anyone believe you didn't offer your old friend Vincent a few extra bucks to make you look good? I mean that seems totally out of character for a shady wrestling promoter like Vincent to take a bribe to throw a fight don't it? Especially considering the way you looked last week against Tommy Fiend. Tommy never looked that good before in his life. Tommy Fiend suddenly get that good? Or has Judei devolved to the point where he can just barely get by the likes of Tommy? I think we all know the answer. That's the reason Masada fought so hard to not to have to fulfil the rest of his contract. Him beating up a guy he paid off and forming a new corporation? That was his idea of going out on top.
Osbourne: What you did against Tommy Fiend is proof that you want to be anywhere besides that ring. You don't even have wrestlers following your teachings anymore like you used to. Now everyone sees through your bullshit. I certainly do. I'm assuming when you face me you're going to do the same thing it seems like everyone who faces me does. Underestimates me. Dismisses my talent.
Anderson: I wish you wouldn't point that out. It gives you an easier path to victory when that happens. It seems like everytime someone thinks you're a joke they end up being the punchline by the time the match is over. Like The Situation last week.
Osbourne: I disagree.
Anderson: How so?
Osbourne: Mike underestimated me because he's inexperienced and doesn't know any better. Judei has to say I'm not that good. Because that's what he has to hope. He has to hope I'm not better then Tommy Fiend. Because Tommy almost beat me. If they had a series of matches Tommy would have won some of them. So.. Masada has to hope I suck.. that I'm a victim being feed to him. Because that's the only type of opponent he's still capable of beating. Only one problem with that line of thought. How many people do you recall challenging me?
Anderson: Does that include angry boyfriends?
Osbourne: It's not my fault they weren't better lovers. But no in this case it doesn't. I'm talking exclusively about APW wrestlers. You know it seems like literally no one challenges me. Especially not previous opponents. You know why? You step in the ring with me you realize how good I am. I saw Smith Jones talking about how they were screwed against the Enforcers. It seemed like they wanted a re match. But I never heard him talk about how he got screwed against me. I also never saw him ask for a re match. That's how good I am. I hold a victory over a multiple time world champion.. and even he won't claim it's a fluke.
Osbourne: I'm going to give the so called Master exactly what he deserves this week. A resounding defeat in the middle of the ring and the retirement he so richly deserves. Last time he faked his own death to avoid suffering defeat in an APW ring. This time he isn't going to be able to weasel his way out of the defeat he earned. The Masterbator probably barely knows anything about me but researched a ton about him. See.. I'm not just another pretty face... I'm a world class wrestler. I'm a future world champion. Masada is an embarassing relic from the past that people are going to look at and think.. damn APW has come a long way people like that used to hold the title.
Osbourne grins.
Osbourne: That's the legacy you truly carved you for yourself Judei when you left at the middle of your title reign. You proved to the world you have no heart, no fighting spirit. Which ironically is something most Japanese wrestlers are known for. But not you.. you walked away from the sport because it was the easiest solution. You were getting to get beaten up, you were about to slip down the card.. and you took the easy way out. You know why I cheat during my matches? Because I'll do absolutely anything to win. That's the kind of competitor I am. I'm a cruiserweight who willing mixes it up with any heavyweight in the world. People like you look at my parade of women and you see a joke.But when the match is over you always end up the punchline.
Osbourne: The world saw what I did against Alex Richards.. the way I took him to the limit. The world saw me earn a North American title shot next week against Cooke and the Sitch. Since I was injuried, I've only gotten better. How about you? After Jayson Price gave you that beating you look like you never even so much as trained. Which is totally on brand for you. You want people to give you that respect.. but you never truly wanted to earn it. Maybe for variety after I defeat you you can fake a spinal injury and hire someone to push you around in a wheelchair. You'll probably come up with something better then that. I'm sure you'll be thinking of ways out the minute the match begins and you realize how much tougher this match is going to be then you thought. You literally faked your death in order to avoid defeat. That means that when the going gets tough this week then you'll fold like the pansy you truly are. There's only one real question in this match. Are you the worst world champion of all time? Are you actually worse then Dean Wolf? Because there's one question that goes without saying.. you aren't better then the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. In the battle of all heart vs no heart.. the winner is obvious. But look on the bright side.. maybe after I destroy you I'll be able to pick up a few geisha girls who are happy I finally stopped you from continuing to embarass their country.
Anderson: Geisha girls? You would say that.
Osbourne: Judei, you and I are the two best kept secrets in wrestling. I'm a world champion who never got the chance. You're an actual world champion who has never really been on that level. After this week.. the secret is gonna be out.
One of the few remaining mourners has been watching this scene. A pale skinned lady covered in tattoos and piercing wearing a Cradle of Filth "Jesus is a cunt" t shirt (yes it is a thing) and a long flowing black skirt approaches Steven.
Osbourne: Adult Wednesday Adams I presume?
Goth: So.. you conquered death.
Osbourne: What can I say babe.. I always rise from the dead.
Steven makes a pointed gesture at his crotch in case she somehow missed the reference.
Goth: I want to sleep with you.. in that coffin as the moon rises.
Osbourne: I love it when a plan comes together.
Steven winks
Osbourne: Hey Judei.. looks like I'm even better at faking my own death then you.
Goth: Wait.. you faked it?
Osbourne: Don't worry Mortica Adams.. when the coffin is rocking you'll know there's nothing fake about the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. And when my match is over this week Masada will know the same damn thing.
Goth: What's a Masada?
Osbourne: Exactly Elvira.. he's just not important.
Steven and the goth lady walk away leaving Veronica speechless.
ADV: Oh my Big Stevie! I can't believe you're gone. It's seems like only yesterday we were having sex on a swing set. Wait like that was yesterday. I'll always remember the ass pain from when the swing broke.
Amber walks away crying. Veronica approaches next looking into the coffin with digust.
Anderson: Get up! I know you're faking this. I read your obituary.. you died after bringing 47 consective women to orgasm? Get real! If you don't get up right this instance.
The dead former super sexy boogeyman slayer stays dead. Veronica sighs.
Anderson: Don't say I didn't warn you...
Veronica reaches into the coffin.. grabbing Steven hard by the groin. Steven shrieks.
Anderson: I fucking knew it! You are such an asshole. Why exactly did you pull this stunt?
Osbourne: Could you let go please?
Veronica relunctly releases her death grip.
Anderson: Fine.. But only because you have a match and I don't want to injure you. But look what you put poor Amber through.
Osbourne: I told Amber I was faking.
Amber stops crying and smiles.
ADV: Oh yeah.. you like totally did. I just sorta like forgot and stuff.
Anderson: Why didn't you tell me then!
Osbourne: Because I knew you'd be mad.
Anderson: Guess.. I wonder why I would be angry. You wasted all of these people's time.. a ton of money... and for what? I swear if you don't have a good reason I'm gonna let them bury you.
Osbourne: First off.. I wanted to hear people say nice things about me. It's great for the ego!
Anderson: You're a sleazebag.
Osbourne: See.. that's the kind of talk I was hoping to avoid. Secondly.. this is gonna get me laid.
Anderson: You must be delusional.
Osbourne: Finally and most importantly I wanted to show how self absorbed, how selfish, how utterly deviot of any moral fibre you have to be in order to fake your own death. In short I wanted to know what it was like to be Masada Judei.
Anderson: Urg.. isn't being Steven Osbourne bad enough?
Osbourne: When I was laying there in that coffin I got insight into why Judei faked his own death. That information is going to be invaluable to me when I face him this week.
Anderson: Oh really?
Steven continues to speak as the now angry crowd files out including the priest who spits out "I hope you burn in Hell" at Osbourne before leaving.
Osbourne: All the sluts are going to Hell. Where else would I want to be?
Anderson: Let's be real.. you were already going there.
Osbourne: I can't really agrue with you on that point Ronnie. But you do.. I faked my own death to get chicks.
Anderson: Which is stupid.
Osbourne: But not as stupid as why Judei faked his own death. He did it to escape reality. See Judei calls himself the Master. But a more accurate nickname would be the Masterbator.
Anderson: Real classy.
Osbourne: Because Masada is all about verbally stroking himself off. But in the end when you're the only one giving yourself verbal pleasure it's kind of hollow. It's kind of meaningless. Masada was the world champion. But he had a secret. His best days were past. And he knew it. He knew that soon the world was going to learn the same. So he needed to disappear from APW. He did it in the easiest, most obvious way possible.. by faking his own death. You thought you would be remembered fondly as the only wrestling champion in APW history who no one could ever beat for their title. In my mind you go down in history as the only man too cowardly and weak to defend your own championship. I've lost the junior heavyweight championship twice. To Tsukiko and to Jaice Wilds.. somehow. I lost the North American Championship to Zombie McMorris. I lost those matches but I was more of a winner in those then you ever were. You ruined your own legacy Masada. I lost those matches but I did my level best to win them. You didn't. You walked away so you wouldn't lose. That's the lowest of the low to me. Failure is always an option. Not trying isn't.
Anderson: It's true. I've seen you with women.
Osbourne: Exactly Ronnie! I could get shot down 100 times and I'd still try once more in hopes of success. I know that you're a failure because of how you represented yourself. Does anyone else remember the time you branched out.. to compete at XIII in the king of the death match tournament? You were the APW world champion and you disgraced the company. Not getting in a single move during your first round match.
Steven shrugs.
Osbourne: It happens, right? Well does it happen against Jayson Price? I'm not talking about WCF world champion level Jayson Price. I'm not even talking about the Jayson Price who recently took the Man Made Gods to the limit at Gods of Wrestling. Nope.. I'm talking about at the height of his alcohol addiction, fresh off being embarassed and outsmarted by Mama Statche may not won two matches in the past year Jayson Price. That guy was the guy who exposed you as the washed up fraud you truly are. To further prove my point Jayson would go on to lose in the finals to another man who's greatest claim to fame is faking their own death, Beau Blaze.
Steven grins.
Osbourne: I gotta ask though. Did you die from embarassment? No.. that's not even it. Your ego couldn't handle the fact you were no longer the guy you thought you were. But here's a newflash Masada.. you never were that guy. You were the first APW world champion. Yeah.. so what? You won that world title from Brandon Locus.
Anderson: Braxton Locus.
Osbourne: Yep and the fact I couldn't remember that says it all. Everyone else won the world title from a real competitor. Smith Jones, Z Mac, FPV. You had the good fortune of defeating someone who was only on world title level because the fed just opened. Then there's your Masada Corporation. Chalk full of members who never accomplished a damn thing except for making you look impressive. I mean c'mon after you faked your death you gave over control to Allen Anderson. That alone shows how egotistical you are. You gave it to someone you knew was going to fail because that way he couldn't possibly overshadow you, right?
Anderson: I can't believe you're mentioning someone else's ego.
Osbourne: Yeah. I got a huge ego too. Takes one to know one. The difference is.. I earned mine. Masada's reputation as a wrestler is based off the fact he earned lots of money as a businessman. Am I supposed to be impressed that he hosted his own show? I'd be more impressed if he didn't handpick a semi retired opponent in Jason Zurra and still have to screw him over in order to win. That's the same Jason Zurra who was dominated by Odin Balfore a few weeks earlier by the way.
Steven shakes his head.
Osbourne: You don't even want to be here Masada.. and it shows. I suffered a career threatening injury at the hands of Alex Richards and I not only worked hard to come back but the very first time I did when I was recovered was challenge him! The only reason you are even on the roster is because of your giant ego. Because of the fact you believe you are smarter then everyone else. You couldn't resist appearing on Gods of Wrestling just so you could gloat that you got one over on the world and faked your own death and earned even more money then before. Yadda yadda yadda. This is all tired and played out. It's boring Judei. It's the same old shit. But hey you proved once and for all you were still dangerous as a fighter right by destroying Vincent Pryde.
Steven laughs.
Osbourne: Does anyone believe you didn't offer your old friend Vincent a few extra bucks to make you look good? I mean that seems totally out of character for a shady wrestling promoter like Vincent to take a bribe to throw a fight don't it? Especially considering the way you looked last week against Tommy Fiend. Tommy never looked that good before in his life. Tommy Fiend suddenly get that good? Or has Judei devolved to the point where he can just barely get by the likes of Tommy? I think we all know the answer. That's the reason Masada fought so hard to not to have to fulfil the rest of his contract. Him beating up a guy he paid off and forming a new corporation? That was his idea of going out on top.
Osbourne: What you did against Tommy Fiend is proof that you want to be anywhere besides that ring. You don't even have wrestlers following your teachings anymore like you used to. Now everyone sees through your bullshit. I certainly do. I'm assuming when you face me you're going to do the same thing it seems like everyone who faces me does. Underestimates me. Dismisses my talent.
Anderson: I wish you wouldn't point that out. It gives you an easier path to victory when that happens. It seems like everytime someone thinks you're a joke they end up being the punchline by the time the match is over. Like The Situation last week.
Osbourne: I disagree.
Anderson: How so?
Osbourne: Mike underestimated me because he's inexperienced and doesn't know any better. Judei has to say I'm not that good. Because that's what he has to hope. He has to hope I'm not better then Tommy Fiend. Because Tommy almost beat me. If they had a series of matches Tommy would have won some of them. So.. Masada has to hope I suck.. that I'm a victim being feed to him. Because that's the only type of opponent he's still capable of beating. Only one problem with that line of thought. How many people do you recall challenging me?
Anderson: Does that include angry boyfriends?
Osbourne: It's not my fault they weren't better lovers. But no in this case it doesn't. I'm talking exclusively about APW wrestlers. You know it seems like literally no one challenges me. Especially not previous opponents. You know why? You step in the ring with me you realize how good I am. I saw Smith Jones talking about how they were screwed against the Enforcers. It seemed like they wanted a re match. But I never heard him talk about how he got screwed against me. I also never saw him ask for a re match. That's how good I am. I hold a victory over a multiple time world champion.. and even he won't claim it's a fluke.
Osbourne: I'm going to give the so called Master exactly what he deserves this week. A resounding defeat in the middle of the ring and the retirement he so richly deserves. Last time he faked his own death to avoid suffering defeat in an APW ring. This time he isn't going to be able to weasel his way out of the defeat he earned. The Masterbator probably barely knows anything about me but researched a ton about him. See.. I'm not just another pretty face... I'm a world class wrestler. I'm a future world champion. Masada is an embarassing relic from the past that people are going to look at and think.. damn APW has come a long way people like that used to hold the title.
Osbourne grins.
Osbourne: That's the legacy you truly carved you for yourself Judei when you left at the middle of your title reign. You proved to the world you have no heart, no fighting spirit. Which ironically is something most Japanese wrestlers are known for. But not you.. you walked away from the sport because it was the easiest solution. You were getting to get beaten up, you were about to slip down the card.. and you took the easy way out. You know why I cheat during my matches? Because I'll do absolutely anything to win. That's the kind of competitor I am. I'm a cruiserweight who willing mixes it up with any heavyweight in the world. People like you look at my parade of women and you see a joke.But when the match is over you always end up the punchline.
Osbourne: The world saw what I did against Alex Richards.. the way I took him to the limit. The world saw me earn a North American title shot next week against Cooke and the Sitch. Since I was injuried, I've only gotten better. How about you? After Jayson Price gave you that beating you look like you never even so much as trained. Which is totally on brand for you. You want people to give you that respect.. but you never truly wanted to earn it. Maybe for variety after I defeat you you can fake a spinal injury and hire someone to push you around in a wheelchair. You'll probably come up with something better then that. I'm sure you'll be thinking of ways out the minute the match begins and you realize how much tougher this match is going to be then you thought. You literally faked your death in order to avoid defeat. That means that when the going gets tough this week then you'll fold like the pansy you truly are. There's only one real question in this match. Are you the worst world champion of all time? Are you actually worse then Dean Wolf? Because there's one question that goes without saying.. you aren't better then the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. In the battle of all heart vs no heart.. the winner is obvious. But look on the bright side.. maybe after I destroy you I'll be able to pick up a few geisha girls who are happy I finally stopped you from continuing to embarass their country.
Anderson: Geisha girls? You would say that.
Osbourne: Judei, you and I are the two best kept secrets in wrestling. I'm a world champion who never got the chance. You're an actual world champion who has never really been on that level. After this week.. the secret is gonna be out.
One of the few remaining mourners has been watching this scene. A pale skinned lady covered in tattoos and piercing wearing a Cradle of Filth "Jesus is a cunt" t shirt (yes it is a thing) and a long flowing black skirt approaches Steven.
Osbourne: Adult Wednesday Adams I presume?
Goth: So.. you conquered death.
Osbourne: What can I say babe.. I always rise from the dead.
Steven makes a pointed gesture at his crotch in case she somehow missed the reference.
Goth: I want to sleep with you.. in that coffin as the moon rises.
Osbourne: I love it when a plan comes together.
Steven winks
Osbourne: Hey Judei.. looks like I'm even better at faking my own death then you.
Goth: Wait.. you faked it?
Osbourne: Don't worry Mortica Adams.. when the coffin is rocking you'll know there's nothing fake about the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. And when my match is over this week Masada will know the same damn thing.
Goth: What's a Masada?
Osbourne: Exactly Elvira.. he's just not important.
Steven and the goth lady walk away leaving Veronica speechless.
