The Vacation Chronicles, Part I: A Craving
May 15, 2020 14:44:57 GMT -5
Lex Collins, Jubei, and 2 more like this
Post by Lacklan on May 15, 2020 14:44:57 GMT -5
My name is Lacklan.
For the initiated, the intelligent, the wise, the aware, the NOT dumbfucks, this is your reaction:
HOLY SHIT OH EM GEE I CAN’T HANDLE THIS PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THE TERRIBLE BEAUTY THAT IS THE BLOOD PRINCESS
Unfortunately, I feel that the overwhelming majority of you will NOT possess the above listed talents and will, instead, have found yourselves to be living under the proverbial rock. Now, I’m not going to bore you all to death with a massively detailed backstory of triumphs and failures wherein I break down every moment of my trip to Nationals in Cheer my Senior year (won Best Flyer for the fourth year in a row!), because THAT piece of potential drivel is all for James to take care of {you just KNOW that he’s going to give you a mind-numbingly banal explanation of his TORTURED SOUL and how his EPIC BACKSTORY on the level of Doofenshmirtz growing up in Drusselstein (bonus points if you get this reference!)}, because literally NO ONE cares about THAT stuff. Seriously legitimate, the vast majority of you are just going to fast forward until you see my perfectly plump lips say your name (or play the CTRL+F game, for those going the transcript route!) and ignore the rest. Bearing that in mind, I’ll simply use the time to say this:
I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!
I’m on a WELL EARNED and DESERVED VACATION! I’ve cashed in the Blood to transition to the Vacay Princess! Its supposed to be me and my Beloved (you’ll see her in a bit) sipping some wine (or shitty organic beer, in her case) and getting caught up on our shows (bitch is OBSESSED with this dumb Skinimax Vampire Slut show), right? Listen, I have put in a LOT of time for this business over the last year and a half (seventy-five matches since coming back full-time in January 2018 after my accident!) and I am POOPED! I am DONE! I need a BREAK!
So, WHY am I here? HOW am I booked to wrestle in Alpha?
Funny story, that.
FLASHBACK TO: How Sarah Ended Up Getting Booked, Part I
Deep within the oddly shaped two-story house of white behind the large gate in the Hills of Hollywood known affectionately as “The Egg,” the Grey-Lacklans enjoy their respite. The women, both young in age, are known far and wide as sharing one heart, but are as disparate in appearance as could be imagined. One, a caramel beauty with freckles and long microbraids which fall to her lower back; the other, an albino with hair and skin the color of moonlight, and with a set of eyes that flash red in the light. Together, the Grey-Lacklans sit upon a black leather couch, their bodies intertwined in a knot which seems to defy all manner of physics, with several bowls of various snacks on a table. The sounds of Hexx, the award-winning high fantasy adventure show on Circle Television presently in hiatus, fill the air and bring soft smiles to their faces. Both sigh in contented glee, the wear of the rigors of travel and pain of wrestling melting away in time of vacation, but a moment before the albino’s sharp face scrunches.
“Beloved, I have a craving.”
The dark woman with the braids grunts but otherwise stays engrossed in the show.
“A craving, I say, for potatoes.”
“Want me to order some Mojos from Shakey's?”
“No no no. I want REAL potatoes. The BEST potatoes.”
“Well, how about I-”
The albino snaps up, her face dawning pure brilliance.
“Beloved! Pack a bag. We’re hitting the road!”
~~837 miles later~~
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
A black car, suspiciously reminiscent of Kitt from Knight Rider, drifts across a street before slamming into place along a curbside. Behind the wheel, Sarah Grey-Lacklan clenches her fist in victory.
“Ha! And you said that the trip here would take more than 8 hours!”
Beside her in the passenger seat, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan’s face is slick with sweat and her brown eyes are filled with wild fear.
“.........”
“C’mon!”
~~10 minutes later~~
“Holy CRAP, Beloved! The potatoes in Idaho really ARE the best!”
Kenzi can only grunt her agreement as the two eat from a pair of loaded baked potatoes...Kenzi’s has extra bacon and Sarah’s has just a light dollop of Double Certified Organic Sour Creme. As always, the two make quite the sight for any passersby, with Sarah dressed in a black and red dress, including a matching hat and parasol, fit for the turn of the 20th century, and with Kenzi understated in a jean skirt and an LFL jersey. As they sit on the hood of Kitt, Sarah’s eyes go wide in excitement.
“Woah! There’s a wrestling show! Literally right here!”
Kenzi’s brows crunch in confusion.
“Weird. That’s...oddly convenient.”
“Welp!”
Sarah claps her hands together and pushes herself off the car and to the ground.
“The One Lord God works in mysterious ways! We’re basically destined to at LEAST check them out!”
Kenzi shrugs, knowing full well that there was no stopping her wife in this scenario, and into the Taco Bell Arena they go.
FLASHFORWARD TO: Vlogination
Most people in this business enjoy what they do. Most people dig it, ya know? Perhaps they grew up watching it, enjoying the drama that combat sports create. Perhaps they have family who wrestled in high school and college and dreamed of making it to the big leagues. Perhaps they were pure athletes who found something they did well. Plenty of people spend their whole lives fighting and defending this business. But do any of them truly LIVE this business?
I do. In fact, its literally my religion! But that’s for another time. What matters NOW is that last Monday, I had a craving for killer potatoes and that meant the G-Ls took a drive in my badass car and feasted in Idaho, and THAT led to us walking through the APW doors. And once we did? Man, the staff was all OVER us! Honestly, it was like when I got crowned Prom Queen (three years running!) and ALL my peers wanted to either bone me or be me. Seriously legitimate, Kenzi and I showed up and Irina (you know her) was immediately in our face and all:
OH EM GEE, Comrade! Need you in fed, I do! I give BIG signing bonus!
Her accent is REALLY thick, but you guys already know that. Now, we smiled and said thank you and did our best to shoo her away, because we just wanted to watch some wrestling. After all, I was going to be here for that Chanukah show, remember? Been meaning to hang out for an AGE. Especially since the freakin’ LEGEND John BLADE is here (Kenzi didn’t believe he was real and thought me and the girls were just making him up!). But seriously, there were PLENTY of people at the show I know! Smitty, of course, and Lexi-poo, and not to mention that freakin’ cray-cray Z-to-the-Mac (yes, Ryan, I know who he is!)...and more! We wanted to hang out for that tag tournament (well, okay, I did, anyway...Kenzi hates having to show up to work!), but I wasn’t in the position to do that, at the time. And so that night, we just wanted to hang out and have some fun.
Of course, Irina still ninja’d that contract into my purse (its a YSL, obvs) as we left afterward. Damnit, chick! I’m on VACAY! I’m TIRED! I’m POOPED! So, how did we go from THERE to HERE, you ask?
Funny story, that.
FLASHBACK TO: How Sarah Ended Up Getting Booked, Part II
...sign me...
Sarah comes to a sudden stop, her eyes going wide in the dark, seeming two slits of fire looking into an oven. She snaps her head back and forth, the loose platinum hair flinging left and right, as she looks for the origin of the voice.
...sign me…
She pads down the hall in slippered feet, her footfalls silent on the hardwood floor, and heads away from the kitchen and to her study. Down below, in the rarity that was a California basement, the space designated to her wrestling career is dark and still, but for the sound of the voice.
“...hello?”
Fears fill the woman. Memories of a man with acrid breath, a man trusted above so many others, who had believed that he was “owed” a place at her side. Memories of another man, his face hidden behind a hood, whose mission to ruin her life had led to friends being harmed. Memories of-
...sign me…
Sarah’s eyes squint behind her glasses as she hears a rustle of papers, and then sees them move again. The APW contract sat on her desk, the pages already gone over in as fine detail as she could muster for the past few days.
And then it moved again.
She breathes sharply as the papers move up and down, left and right, working their way around as if a mouth testing out unfamiliar words. And then the voice joins it, stronger this time, with the sustained notes of song.
🎤Sign me, Sarahhhhh…🎤
“No! I’m on vacation!”
🎤Sign me all night looooong🎤
“I am exHAUSTED!
🎤That's right, Girl! You can do iiiiiiiit…🎤
“Well, technically, yes, I could do it. But do you have ANY idea how many matches I have had?!”
🎤Sign me, Sarahhhhh🎤
“No! No! No! No!”
🎤Sign me all night looooonnnng🎤
“I deserve this vacay! I have had at LEAST one match a WEEK for the last 18 months!”
🎤'Cause if you sign me, Sarahhhh🎤
“I defended four titles from three companies at once for a while! And that INCLUDES being a World Champ for 196 days! Let me sleep!”
🎤I can grow up BIG and strrrooooonnnnng🎤
“OH EM GEE FINE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE”
Sarah pulls out a feathered pen from her desk, dips it into an inkwell, and signs her name to the bottom of the contract.
FLASHFORWARD TO: Vlogified
It’s common knowledge that I’m a sucker for musicals, but that was still a pretty low blow by that contract. I mean, really, Little Shop of Horrors? How am I supposed to say no to THAT?! Might as well ask me to step on a spider! Might as well ask me to turn down an oven baked, cage free, free roam, organically fed chicken breast! Might as well as me to say no to squats! It wasn’t gonna happen!
So, here we are. And I-
-HAHAHAHAHA-
...hold on...getting a text...be just one second…
🤡Giggles!🤡
whAt kInd Of trEE fIts In yOUr hAnd?
whAt kInd Of trEE fIts In yOUr hAnd?
Oh...oh man...this is gonna be great...hold on…
Sarah is the best, Sarah number one
What kind?
What kind?
🤡Giggles!🤡
A pAlm trEE
A pAlm trEE
Good LORD, Giggles is the funniest goddamn thing in the world! How does he NOT have his own show?!
Sorry...sorry...got distracted. Where was I? Oh! Debut! Right!
On Monday, I’ll be heading into the ring against Jimmy Thrush (yes, and my buddy Giggles, but we’ll get to that later), and HOOOOO BOYYYYYY do we have a tryhard here! Listen, I have spent a LOT of time over the past three years fighting a bunch of guys auditioning for a bit part as the newest Goth Kid on South Park, and Angelic Birdboy is...well...the next one. Like, he’s not even one of the better ones, ya know? I mean, I don’t know about you all, but I’ve had to deal with murderers, rapists, cannibals, child molesters, aliens, super soldiers, and more! And all Thrush here does is cry while putting on his eyeliner. Yes yes, I know that he is SUPER FUCKING STOKED that My Chemical Romance is going to be doing that reunion tour and all, but that’s just not going to cut it when he’s facing someone like me.
You see, he-
-HAHAHAHAHA-
🤡Giggles!🤡
why dId thE tEddy bEAr sAy nO tO dEssErt?
why dId thE tEddy bEAr sAy nO tO dEssErt?
Sarah is the best, Sarah number one
Why?!
Why?!
🤡Giggles!🤡
hE wAs stUffEd
hE wAs stUffEd
Oh...oh god...please no more...my stomach HURTS!
Damnit! Where was I? Debut! Against Doofenshmirtz!
So, I put a LOT of stock into numbers, right? Like, remember how I said that I had planned on being in that one night tournament thingie back in December? Well, just because that didn't work out doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention to the ol’ APW. In fact, I have been paying VERY close attention! I know all about the unfortunate death of the first champ, the tournaments that have gone one, the dumb grabass nonsense that has filled up so much time, and more! Hell, I can tell you more stuff about this company than ANYONE else can. Check it:
Most -
Wins: Smitty (20)
Losses: Scott (18)
Total competitors from Aaron Blaze to Z-Mac: 137
I have TONS of facts! TONS of numbers! TONS of research! Because that is what I do. I know more about YOU than even YOU do before we step in the ring, which means that I likely know what YOU are going to do before YOU even THINK of it! And as an example of my predilection for research, I know that Doofenshmirtz is not exactly the best wrestler there has ever been. For all of his bluster, for all of his “i am going to cut out your heart with a rusted fork and eat it under the pale moonlight while I cry about Dashboard Confessional” nonsense, the dude has a dismal ability to translate that into actual success. With a record of 3-6 over in Action, the reality is that he has so little ability to actually do his goddamn job with any sort of regularity that I am seriously doubtful on whether or not he’ll be able to get into the APW ring without tripping over his own unnecessarily detailed entrance. Honestly, if the dude spent half the time into proper preparation that he puts into the details of his freakin’ ring gear, he would be able to win matches that actually matter. And THAT is something that REALLY sticks out about him: His ability to get his hand raised is more dependent upon his opponent not showing up mentally OR him being involved in some abortion of a match which takes place on rooftops or the middle of the desert or whatever other bullshit nonsense location he needs to conjure up in order to be seen as anything but some lowercard attraction meant to lay down to his betters. Mr. "I AM THE VILLAIN IN THIS STORY" Lord Above, what a dumbfuck.
Kiddos, as I have traveled across the world and beat up skinny-fat punks like Nightingale, I have wrestled in 17 promotions, fighting the world across the world. And THAT means that I have had 17 different “debut” matches. And you know how many of THOSE I have lost?
Not a goddamn one. And the idea that I’ll make it a first on Monday is as laughable to Nightingale being seen as anything but the theatre geek afraid of the bright lights of reality that he is. Because while I am as real and honest and true as anyone you have ever met, even to the point where I can simply be too much for anyone to handle for long (...just ask, like, all three of my friends…), Nightingale is someone so lost in the fantasy of being the next Voldermort that he doesn’t realize literally every person on this roster (and more!) listen to his eradication drivel and watch his “expert” knowledge of anatomy with the suffering silence of an uncle who has to babysit his idiot brother’s even dumber son.
Nightingale has had to hear Big Billy say “James just didn’t have it in him to win today” a LOT over the last few months, and he’s going to have to hear it again on Monday in the form of Remi talking about how he couldn't overcome the Blood Princess.
Oh! And Giggles! Legit the goddamn FUNNIEST person alive! Here’s the dealio, buddy: Let's beat up Gothy McLoserstein together, yeah! It will be LOTS of fun and a BARREL of laughs! PLEASE say yes! Because I would REALLY hate to have to break down those skinny legs of yours. Seriously, you’re, like, twice my height, and all, but SUPER skinny, and that means SUPER brittle, and I’m literally designed to do things like break joints like they were twigs. So, please, work with me, yeah?
GOOOOOoooooOOOOO TEAM SARGIGGLES!
Monday is gonna be a BLAST!
FLASHFORWARD TO: How Sarah Ended Up Getting Booked, Epilogue
Kenzi and Sarah sit atop the hood of their car, each smiling as they pop cheese squares into each other's mouth.
"Man, this is the BEST cheese. Wisconsin does NOT screw around!"
"You know, Babe, I was worried when you suddenly got a craving for 'fucking good' cheese on Friday. 2000 miles is a LONG way to go."
"But totes worth it!"
Sarah's eyes go wide.
"OH EM GEE! Is that a wrestling show?!"
Kenzi blinks as she looks up and sees the marquee for the Panther Arena, and then shakes her head, sending her braids flying.
"Babe, what is this-"
She cuts off as she faces Sarah again and sees a pile of papers in her hands. Her eyes shut and she clenches her nose in an attempt to push away the pain.
"...we're on vacation, babe..."
"I know!"
Sarah lifts Kenzi's chin with her free hand, forcing them to lock eyes, brown and red.
"And what better way for the G-Ls to vacation than by wrestling!"
A glint of mischievousness enters her eyes.
"Time to cash in that Christmas present!"
Kenzi can't help but smile.
"'Another tag run.'"
Sarah nods emphatically and pulls out a pen.
"You'll follow me into the dark, yeah?"
Kenzi chuckles, takes the pen from Sarah, and presses it to the APW contract.
"Always, baby."
