Post by Vonn Richter on May 12, 2020 18:32:26 GMT -5
Vonn Richter was sitting at the breakfast table eating a giant helping of oatmeal. Like, it’s huge. Served in a punch bowl and eaten with a spoon rest, Vonn is stuffing his big dumb face with mouthful after mouthful of high carb, protein rich, fat free goodness. One arm is curled around the bowl protectively, as if someone might dare try to steal a smidgin of his morning 1500 calorie ritual.
Another man entered the kitchen. He was Vonn’s step-brother Jesse. He made himself some tea and lemon while engaging in some small talk.
“Loading up?”
Vonn, cheeks bulging with rolled oats, glared at Jesse like he just asked the dumbest question in the world.
“Aheheheh. Of course you are. What’s today? Legs, Abs?”
“Abbbsshh.”
Little flecks of expectorated gruel dotted Vonn’s bewhiskered chin. Jesse nodded, and held up his tea.
“I’m in training myself.”
Vonn grumbled and stared down into his bowl. Jesse was a successful ASMRtist with over 975,000 followers to his YouTube Channel. He made more money making “tsk tsk tsk” sounds then Vonn did getting his ass kicked as a member of Action Wrestling. He had his own car, a girlfriend, and got to live upstairs in the Richter house. The disparity in their respective fortunes was galling to the All Natural Disaster.
“I got a huge show planned. Three parts and costumes, two venue changes. Think I’m going to try that French accent again; got some definitely non-constructive feedback last time but you can’t let the bastards grind you down, right?"
Vonn interrupted his step-brother.
“Can I use your stuff?”
He meant Jesse’s broadcasting equipment.
“Sure, Vonn. Going to cut a promo?”
“Yeah.”
“You need any help setting it up?”
“No! Except maybe the backdrop. I want it like a wrestling ring.”
“Consider it done.”
And so it was. Vonn is seen standing outside a wrestling ring. The apron and turnbuckles bore the Action Wrestling name and logo. He starts shouting.
“Alvara Rose betrayed me and her mission and that’s why I’m not the Number One Contender for the Hardcore Championship! But I don’t care. The Hardcore Title is a trash title that grinds you up and spits you out with little to show for it. Case in point: Zombie McMorris. Duder’s 400 years old and looks 1000. Second case in point: Corey Black. Guy was six feet tall when he started in this business, and now he fits in my pocket. Same thing’s going to happen to L Verez too. Sure, she’s a hot alien chick now but after a few defense she’s going to be mistaken for Mama Mustache. COUNT ON IT!!
“I dodged a bullet not becoming the Hardcore Champion in Waiting, unlike my next opponent! Jake Karnes was shot at the last company he worked for, and I’m willing to bet he deserved it. From the looks of him I’m guessing he shat in the wrong person’s gym bag and caught lead for his troubles. Well, come next Metal I’m going to rip off Jake Karnes’s head and shit down his neck! That’ll be my rib on this phoney baloney Number One Contender for the Junior Heavyweight Title. Jake, bro, you’re two forty and older than my Ma! There ain’t nothing Junior about you! How about you come and play where the big boys play, “Reverend”? Stop dipping your toe into the kiddie pool and face the competition in the deep end? That’s me! I’m the Mariana Trench of Action Wrestling. There’s no place darker and colder than up on my shoulders for the “Seismic Shock”! You’ll drown up there, Jake! Drown like the rat you are! You thought that bullet hurt, Jake?! You ain’t seen nothing yet!!!!”
Vonn closed his promo by doing the double bicep curl bodybuilding pose and letting loose a violent war cry.
Another man entered the kitchen. He was Vonn’s step-brother Jesse. He made himself some tea and lemon while engaging in some small talk.
“Loading up?”
Vonn, cheeks bulging with rolled oats, glared at Jesse like he just asked the dumbest question in the world.
“Aheheheh. Of course you are. What’s today? Legs, Abs?”
“Abbbsshh.”
Little flecks of expectorated gruel dotted Vonn’s bewhiskered chin. Jesse nodded, and held up his tea.
“I’m in training myself.”
Vonn grumbled and stared down into his bowl. Jesse was a successful ASMRtist with over 975,000 followers to his YouTube Channel. He made more money making “tsk tsk tsk” sounds then Vonn did getting his ass kicked as a member of Action Wrestling. He had his own car, a girlfriend, and got to live upstairs in the Richter house. The disparity in their respective fortunes was galling to the All Natural Disaster.
“I got a huge show planned. Three parts and costumes, two venue changes. Think I’m going to try that French accent again; got some definitely non-constructive feedback last time but you can’t let the bastards grind you down, right?"
Vonn interrupted his step-brother.
“Can I use your stuff?”
He meant Jesse’s broadcasting equipment.
“Sure, Vonn. Going to cut a promo?”
“Yeah.”
“You need any help setting it up?”
“No! Except maybe the backdrop. I want it like a wrestling ring.”
“Consider it done.”
And so it was. Vonn is seen standing outside a wrestling ring. The apron and turnbuckles bore the Action Wrestling name and logo. He starts shouting.
“Alvara Rose betrayed me and her mission and that’s why I’m not the Number One Contender for the Hardcore Championship! But I don’t care. The Hardcore Title is a trash title that grinds you up and spits you out with little to show for it. Case in point: Zombie McMorris. Duder’s 400 years old and looks 1000. Second case in point: Corey Black. Guy was six feet tall when he started in this business, and now he fits in my pocket. Same thing’s going to happen to L Verez too. Sure, she’s a hot alien chick now but after a few defense she’s going to be mistaken for Mama Mustache. COUNT ON IT!!
“I dodged a bullet not becoming the Hardcore Champion in Waiting, unlike my next opponent! Jake Karnes was shot at the last company he worked for, and I’m willing to bet he deserved it. From the looks of him I’m guessing he shat in the wrong person’s gym bag and caught lead for his troubles. Well, come next Metal I’m going to rip off Jake Karnes’s head and shit down his neck! That’ll be my rib on this phoney baloney Number One Contender for the Junior Heavyweight Title. Jake, bro, you’re two forty and older than my Ma! There ain’t nothing Junior about you! How about you come and play where the big boys play, “Reverend”? Stop dipping your toe into the kiddie pool and face the competition in the deep end? That’s me! I’m the Mariana Trench of Action Wrestling. There’s no place darker and colder than up on my shoulders for the “Seismic Shock”! You’ll drown up there, Jake! Drown like the rat you are! You thought that bullet hurt, Jake?! You ain’t seen nothing yet!!!!”
Vonn closed his promo by doing the double bicep curl bodybuilding pose and letting loose a violent war cry.
