Post by soulreaver on May 10, 2020 5:27:05 GMT -5
Several wrestling journalists are packed into a conference room. Their chairs are all directed towards the front of the room where a wooden podium sits. An APW banner adorns the wall behind the podium. The journalists are talking amongst themselves when "Godzilla" by Blue Oyster Cult begins playing loudly from the hall outside. Soon the entire door frame is encompassed by the giant known as Soul Reaver. He squeezes through the door and stands next to the wooden podium. Behind him is a short man. The man has on a cheap-looking suit, some gold chains around his neck, and slicked-back gray hair. He struts to the podium and waits for the music to stop. When it continues to play he gets annoyed, walks to the hallway, yells at someone, and then walks back to the podium as the music stops.
"Hello and thank you all so much for coming today. I have read most of the work you guys do and I assume that reporting is your hobby. I hope you didn't take too much time off from your real jobs down at the factory or cooking fries at the McDonalds. So let's just get into it, shall we?"
The man pauses briefly as he looks over at Soul Reaver and reaches out and pats him on the back.
"I am sure you are wondering who in the hell I am? I know that you're used to seeing Soul Reaver with that old, decrepit, piece of human excrement known as Dr. Fischer. I know how difficult it was to watch that shriveled up douche canoe week in and week out. I mean he looked like an old wrinkly ball sack. Ewww, Am I right? Regardless, I am thrilled to announce that Dr. Fischer is no longer with us. Mr. Reaver has decided to move in a different and more able-bodied direction. You see Soul Reaver deserves a manager than can be there at ringside. He deserves a manager that can actually help him utilize the God-given talents that he has. He deserves someone that actually knows what they are doing. So he hired me. Ladies and germs I am 'Quick Wit' Johnny Class!"
Johnny pauses for applause that don't come.
"I have been managing wrestlers for over 30 years. My athletes have reached success in every promotion they have been in. Generally speaking, my guys become champions and damn good ones at that. I have managed champions. I was even the driving force behind Polmisha Kroshnov!"
Waiting for more applause.
"Of course you imbeciles don't know Ms. Kroshnov. Do you guys even watch wrestling? Polmisha is the longest reigning women's champion in the Alaskan Bush Wrestling Federation. Many consider her to be one of the top 500 female wrestlers in history. And she was managed by me! But my claims to fame don't end there! I also own and operate the third largest used car dealership this side of the MIssissippi. Speaking of used cars. If you find yourself in the market for a used car don't hesitate to come down to First Class Cars. Tell em that Johnny sent you and we will throw in floor mats with my face on them!"
Johnny pauses and then turns to Soul Reaver.
"But we're not here to talk about Polmisha or my very successful used car dealership. We're here to talk about the man to my left, Soul Reaver. Soul Reaver's career didn't exactly get started the way it should have. Soul Reaver should have come in and destroyed every single opponent. Look at him for God's sake. But that has hardly been the case. Some may blame the wrestler. But this is not Soul Reaver's fault. This is on Doc Fischer. He didn't understand how to use a man of this magnitude. He thought that he could waltz into professional wrestling and be successful. Money and cool robot voices don't mean a thing in pro wrestling! Pro wrestling is much more complex than people think. It's a science. It's an art form. Dr. Fischer thought he could find the biggest guy he could and win a bunch of matches. It ain't that simple baybay. I say good riddance to Doc Fischer. He can go focus on ruining someone else life. We have yet to see the full potential that Soul Reaver has. I'm here to bring it out. I'm here to use my expertise to help Soul Reaver find success beyond his wildest dreams. I'm here to help the big man become the dominant force that everyone in this room knows he can be. And unlike Dr. Thomas Fischer, I will succeed. Because this is an art and I'm the Van Gogh of managers!"
Johnny mines painting a picture. He pretends to dip his brush in paint and then swishes it through the air before stepping back and giving his art a once over.
"But enough about me. Let's get to business. We have a match this week on Metal. This is our first chance to show the world what Soul Reaver and Johnny Class can do. And what a cast of characters they have thrown us up against this time. A roided up meat head, an 18 year old. Barbie on a mission from a commission, and an actual demon. These three are like the set up of a horrible Science fiction movie. What does that make you, Reaver? The villain?"
Class turns to Reaver who just shrugs his shoulders.
"I guess if this is a movie it would be Alvara Rose that defeats you. It's always the young, pretty things who seem to discover the monsters weakness and end up defeating the monster and getting the boy. Ha! Alvara Rose is as likely to defeat you as I am to sprout wings and fly on out of here! We all know who would be the first to die in the move, right? It would definitely be Vonn Richter! It's always the muscle bound idiots who run off and do something stupid to get themselves killed. My money would be on his death involving a wood chipper. And what role would the demon known as Abaddon play?"
Johnny pauses seeming to be momentarily stunned.
"You know, I don't think he'd even be in this movie. He'd be in the straight to Hulu sequel where they try to pass him off as the original villain even though we know that he isn't the same dude. I mean after all he is nearly as big as Soul Reaver. He also uses a powerbomb to finish his opponents and he even called it the Soul Stealer. If that ain't a carbon copy rip off I don't know what is! But let's jump back to reality for a hit. This isn't a movie. This is a wrestling match. This match will end with someone getting a shot at the Hardcore Championship and Abadon is clearly the biggest threat to our shot at gold. He is a massive due. 7'3 and 425 pounds. He isn't quite as big as Soul Reaver. But size isn't everything, just ask my third wife! He brings an element of mystery to this match. We truly don't know much about him. He hasn't been in the ring yet. He hasn't been posting all over social media like Vonn Richter. We don't know what he is going to bring. But does it matter? Not one bit. Soul Reaver is the biggest athlete in professional wrestling. He is a God damn wrecking ball and with me guiding him at ringside we are going to be unbeatable. So Abadon may be a mysterious force. He may be a hand me down version on Soul Reaver. But he IS NOT the real thing. He isn't Soul Reaver and at Metal this week that will be painfully obvious."
Another slight break from Johnny.
"And now we must talk about the man that I really don't want to spend any time discussing. A man who oozes stupidity. I lose brain cells when I see him posting on Twitter or the Gram. You know him by now... Vonn Richter. Do you guys know what he calls himself? Do you know his nickname? He calls himself the' Man that Moves the Needle!" Can you believe that shit? C'mon I can't be the only one who doesn't think of one thousand steroid jokes when I look at him and hear that nickname! "
Johnny pounds on the podium as he laughs
"But the biggest joke of all is that Vonn Richter actually thinks that he stands a chance on Monday night. Ha! NOW THAT IS FUNNY! I have been in professional wrestling for a long time and guys like Vonn Richter come and go. They are all muscle and no brain. All bark and no bite. You see Vonn will get in that ring and he will look the part. He'll flex his muscles. Hell, he might even growl. But just like those muscles it's all for show. Any old asshole can spend a bunch of time in the gym and build muscles. That's the easy part. Knowing how to use those muscles is the hard part. Boxers, MMA fighters, and pro wrestlers all know that muscles don't mean anything. You can get your ass kicked by an average joe off the street who knows how to land a punch."
"Vonn Richter might have the biggest muscles in the match, but just like in our hypothetical horror movie he is going to be the first one to go. I know that he wants to team up with Alvara to take out Abaddon and Reaver. All I know is that I hope Richter is wearing dark-colored trunks because if Abaddon and Reaver happen to focus their sights on Richter he will be staring down two of the biggest pro wrestlers in the world. Reaver is big enough on his own. Can you imagine staring down Reaver and his miniature? It's that moment there that Richter will realize that all the muscles and social media posts in the world don't make you tough enough to defeat someone like Soul Reaver."
"And that leaves us one. Alvara Rose."
More laughter from Johnny Class.
"Alvara, honey, you are outmatched in every single way. I know that you may think teaming up with Vonn Wrinkled Nuts will be a good way to get through this match. But trust me, it doesn't matter what you do. You're not winning this thing. This is not a horror movie. There will be no happy ending for you. You can try your damnedest, you can consult with your consultant, and pray to whatever version of Jesus you believe in, and it will not result in you winning this match. There is no chance in hell that you leave Monday Night Metal as the number one contender for the Hardcore Championship. There is no way in hell a pretty little thing like you defeats the monster known as Soul Reaver. Hell, there is no way that that you could even beat Vonn Richter. And Alvara I know that you've spent your whole life getting participation trophies, but there will be no trophy this week. Your ass is losing the match plain and simple."
Another pause from Class as he once again pats Reaver on the back.
"Monday night will be a great night for Soul Reaver. It will be a great night for "Quick Wit' Johnny Class. And when Soul Reaver wins on Monday Night and that is exactly what he will do! When he wins on Metal you get 5% off at any of my car dealerships! So come on down to First Class Cars! We have the largest inventory of used Camrys on the planet!"
"Any questions?"
Hands shoot up but Johnny just nods.
"Alright, no questions. Thanks."
And Johnny and Soul Reaver leave the room.
The man pauses briefly as he looks over at Soul Reaver and reaches out and pats him on the back.
"I am sure you are wondering who in the hell I am? I know that you're used to seeing Soul Reaver with that old, decrepit, piece of human excrement known as Dr. Fischer. I know how difficult it was to watch that shriveled up douche canoe week in and week out. I mean he looked like an old wrinkly ball sack. Ewww, Am I right? Regardless, I am thrilled to announce that Dr. Fischer is no longer with us. Mr. Reaver has decided to move in a different and more able-bodied direction. You see Soul Reaver deserves a manager than can be there at ringside. He deserves a manager that can actually help him utilize the God-given talents that he has. He deserves someone that actually knows what they are doing. So he hired me. Ladies and germs I am 'Quick Wit' Johnny Class!"
Johnny pauses for applause that don't come.
"I have been managing wrestlers for over 30 years. My athletes have reached success in every promotion they have been in. Generally speaking, my guys become champions and damn good ones at that. I have managed champions. I was even the driving force behind Polmisha Kroshnov!"
Waiting for more applause.
"Of course you imbeciles don't know Ms. Kroshnov. Do you guys even watch wrestling? Polmisha is the longest reigning women's champion in the Alaskan Bush Wrestling Federation. Many consider her to be one of the top 500 female wrestlers in history. And she was managed by me! But my claims to fame don't end there! I also own and operate the third largest used car dealership this side of the MIssissippi. Speaking of used cars. If you find yourself in the market for a used car don't hesitate to come down to First Class Cars. Tell em that Johnny sent you and we will throw in floor mats with my face on them!"
Johnny pauses and then turns to Soul Reaver.
"But we're not here to talk about Polmisha or my very successful used car dealership. We're here to talk about the man to my left, Soul Reaver. Soul Reaver's career didn't exactly get started the way it should have. Soul Reaver should have come in and destroyed every single opponent. Look at him for God's sake. But that has hardly been the case. Some may blame the wrestler. But this is not Soul Reaver's fault. This is on Doc Fischer. He didn't understand how to use a man of this magnitude. He thought that he could waltz into professional wrestling and be successful. Money and cool robot voices don't mean a thing in pro wrestling! Pro wrestling is much more complex than people think. It's a science. It's an art form. Dr. Fischer thought he could find the biggest guy he could and win a bunch of matches. It ain't that simple baybay. I say good riddance to Doc Fischer. He can go focus on ruining someone else life. We have yet to see the full potential that Soul Reaver has. I'm here to bring it out. I'm here to use my expertise to help Soul Reaver find success beyond his wildest dreams. I'm here to help the big man become the dominant force that everyone in this room knows he can be. And unlike Dr. Thomas Fischer, I will succeed. Because this is an art and I'm the Van Gogh of managers!"
Johnny mines painting a picture. He pretends to dip his brush in paint and then swishes it through the air before stepping back and giving his art a once over.
"But enough about me. Let's get to business. We have a match this week on Metal. This is our first chance to show the world what Soul Reaver and Johnny Class can do. And what a cast of characters they have thrown us up against this time. A roided up meat head, an 18 year old. Barbie on a mission from a commission, and an actual demon. These three are like the set up of a horrible Science fiction movie. What does that make you, Reaver? The villain?"
Class turns to Reaver who just shrugs his shoulders.
"I guess if this is a movie it would be Alvara Rose that defeats you. It's always the young, pretty things who seem to discover the monsters weakness and end up defeating the monster and getting the boy. Ha! Alvara Rose is as likely to defeat you as I am to sprout wings and fly on out of here! We all know who would be the first to die in the move, right? It would definitely be Vonn Richter! It's always the muscle bound idiots who run off and do something stupid to get themselves killed. My money would be on his death involving a wood chipper. And what role would the demon known as Abaddon play?"
Johnny pauses seeming to be momentarily stunned.
"You know, I don't think he'd even be in this movie. He'd be in the straight to Hulu sequel where they try to pass him off as the original villain even though we know that he isn't the same dude. I mean after all he is nearly as big as Soul Reaver. He also uses a powerbomb to finish his opponents and he even called it the Soul Stealer. If that ain't a carbon copy rip off I don't know what is! But let's jump back to reality for a hit. This isn't a movie. This is a wrestling match. This match will end with someone getting a shot at the Hardcore Championship and Abadon is clearly the biggest threat to our shot at gold. He is a massive due. 7'3 and 425 pounds. He isn't quite as big as Soul Reaver. But size isn't everything, just ask my third wife! He brings an element of mystery to this match. We truly don't know much about him. He hasn't been in the ring yet. He hasn't been posting all over social media like Vonn Richter. We don't know what he is going to bring. But does it matter? Not one bit. Soul Reaver is the biggest athlete in professional wrestling. He is a God damn wrecking ball and with me guiding him at ringside we are going to be unbeatable. So Abadon may be a mysterious force. He may be a hand me down version on Soul Reaver. But he IS NOT the real thing. He isn't Soul Reaver and at Metal this week that will be painfully obvious."
Another slight break from Johnny.
"And now we must talk about the man that I really don't want to spend any time discussing. A man who oozes stupidity. I lose brain cells when I see him posting on Twitter or the Gram. You know him by now... Vonn Richter. Do you guys know what he calls himself? Do you know his nickname? He calls himself the' Man that Moves the Needle!" Can you believe that shit? C'mon I can't be the only one who doesn't think of one thousand steroid jokes when I look at him and hear that nickname! "
Johnny pounds on the podium as he laughs
"But the biggest joke of all is that Vonn Richter actually thinks that he stands a chance on Monday night. Ha! NOW THAT IS FUNNY! I have been in professional wrestling for a long time and guys like Vonn Richter come and go. They are all muscle and no brain. All bark and no bite. You see Vonn will get in that ring and he will look the part. He'll flex his muscles. Hell, he might even growl. But just like those muscles it's all for show. Any old asshole can spend a bunch of time in the gym and build muscles. That's the easy part. Knowing how to use those muscles is the hard part. Boxers, MMA fighters, and pro wrestlers all know that muscles don't mean anything. You can get your ass kicked by an average joe off the street who knows how to land a punch."
"Vonn Richter might have the biggest muscles in the match, but just like in our hypothetical horror movie he is going to be the first one to go. I know that he wants to team up with Alvara to take out Abaddon and Reaver. All I know is that I hope Richter is wearing dark-colored trunks because if Abaddon and Reaver happen to focus their sights on Richter he will be staring down two of the biggest pro wrestlers in the world. Reaver is big enough on his own. Can you imagine staring down Reaver and his miniature? It's that moment there that Richter will realize that all the muscles and social media posts in the world don't make you tough enough to defeat someone like Soul Reaver."
"And that leaves us one. Alvara Rose."
More laughter from Johnny Class.
"Alvara, honey, you are outmatched in every single way. I know that you may think teaming up with Vonn Wrinkled Nuts will be a good way to get through this match. But trust me, it doesn't matter what you do. You're not winning this thing. This is not a horror movie. There will be no happy ending for you. You can try your damnedest, you can consult with your consultant, and pray to whatever version of Jesus you believe in, and it will not result in you winning this match. There is no chance in hell that you leave Monday Night Metal as the number one contender for the Hardcore Championship. There is no way in hell a pretty little thing like you defeats the monster known as Soul Reaver. Hell, there is no way that that you could even beat Vonn Richter. And Alvara I know that you've spent your whole life getting participation trophies, but there will be no trophy this week. Your ass is losing the match plain and simple."
Another pause from Class as he once again pats Reaver on the back.
"Monday night will be a great night for Soul Reaver. It will be a great night for "Quick Wit' Johnny Class. And when Soul Reaver wins on Monday Night and that is exactly what he will do! When he wins on Metal you get 5% off at any of my car dealerships! So come on down to First Class Cars! We have the largest inventory of used Camrys on the planet!"
"Any questions?"
Hands shoot up but Johnny just nods.
"Alright, no questions. Thanks."
And Johnny and Soul Reaver leave the room.
