Post by Vonn Richter on May 6, 2020 7:09:30 GMT -5
Outside the Arena for Monday Night Metal:
MARKS (chanting): OPEN UP! OPEN UP!!
“The Man Who Moves the Needle” Vonn Richter runs up to the door. He takes out a set of bolt cutters and snaps off the lock. The marks whoop and cheer and push their way into the venue.
RICHTER: Back the fuck off!
He swings the bolt cutters menacingly at the marks, who cower in unison.
RICHTER: Keep your distance! Six feet!
The crowd does as he said, spreading themselves out and away from Vonn.
RICHTER: That’s better! I was lucky not to catch cancer from that toxic fool Biohazard, I won’t risk one of you sweaty sacks of suet giving me Corona. I’m this close to winning a chance to win Hardcore Champion
Vonn holds his thumb and forefinger really snug so that they’re almost touching.
RICHTER: I am a natural fit to be Hardcore Champion. Just look! No one in Alpha Pro has a harder core than me!
Vonn points at his eight pack abs. He rubs at it with a dirty linen, rendering it spotless. He lays on his back and bounces a quarter off them. Then he leaps back up.
RICHTER: Now, look at my three opponents in the Eliminator Match. Soul Reaver is a fat freak. Abaddon is a goth freak. Alvara Rose is also a phat freak, but the good kind of phat: Pee Aytch Ay Tee. She’s a solid 7.4 on ‘The Richter Scale’ . But looks aren’t everything. A true Hard Core Champion must use their brains.
He points to his forehead.
RICHTER: My brain is my most deceptively powerful muscle. Sure, I’m built like a Greek God, but that is a deception I use to my advantage. From my mind has sprung the perfect plan to win this Eliminator match, a strategy as beautiful as Venus as she appeared whole from Zeus’s head after it got cracked open when an eagle dropped a turtle on his head thinking it was a rock.
RICHTER: I proposed an alliance with Alvara Rose. She wants to hunt monsters? Well, there are two monsters in this match! One is the product of science gone a muck. The other is a devil made flesh. How fair is that?! I became the perfect physical specimen through diet and exercise. Soul Reaver was made in a Wuhan lab, and Abaddon is demon-powered. They shouldn’t even be allowed to compete until they pass a piss test and an exorcism! But life is unfair, and when it gives you lemons, you squirt some of the juice onto your baked skinless chicken breasts to give them some pizazz. Try it, you’ll like it!
RICHTER: But yeah, the alliance. Alvara Rose and I should totally team up to kill those other dudes in the match. She gets two trophies to mount on her wall and a one on one match up with yours truly after. It’s win-win for her, until she loses! Because I will be the last man standing in this Eliminator match! I will become Number One Contender for the Hardcore Title and then beat Zombie McMorris or L Verez and assume my righteous place as the HARD CORE Champion! Sound good?
MARKS: YEEEAAAHHHH!!! WOOOOOO!!!! WE WANT BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!!!
The promo ends with Vonn assuming various body-building poses while the crowd watches awkwardly.
