Penis Balloons! A Fuckboi Production Parody

The boy stood in front of me at my front door, completely decked out in his boy scout gear. I smirked as I looked down at him through my sepctacles.

”May I help you?”

The boy, maybe 10 years old, looked up at me with a smile.

”My name is Truffle and I have admired your house for a while. I wanted to see it up close.”

I scoffed as I looked down at the kid.

”You have admired my house have you? Do you know who I am Truffle?”

The kid shook his head side to side so I decided to smack some sense into him literally. The back of my hand hit the kid as hard as I could, knocking him right on his overweight ass. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I helped him up only to knock him back down.

”First things first kid. Always remember this. Don’t trust anyone. Especially adults who are rich and wear glasses who live in big houses. Secondly, I am the Guru of Greatness, Cray Mitchell. Come in for some hot cocoa?”

Truffle shook his head fervently.

”You just said don’t trust anyone.”

I scoffed as I spoke again.

”Sometimes I say shit that I don’t really mean, Truffle. I am an actor and a wrestler. It just kind of happens. Come, have some cocoa.”

The boy walked into the house with me as I shut the door. He saw a picture of me in college with my ex girlfriend.

”Who is this, Cray?”

I looked at the picture and all of the wild and kinky sex me and my ex used to have flashed before my eyes. After what seemed like ten minutes I felt a tug at my shirt.

”Cray, why is your hand down your pants?”

I shook it off and looked at him.

”In a few years you will understand. That is Kelli, the love of my life. Come, have a seat. I will tell you a story.”

Truffle looked around.

”Cray, you don’t have any furniture.”

I grabbed a steel folding chair and set it up.

”This house was very fucking expensive. Ok?”

Truffle sat in the chair as I cleared my throat and began speaking.

”Once upon a time there was a valiant knight named Cray. He was the best knight in all of the land. He had his pick of women, he even had sex with the Queen once, but that is of no importance. Another knight, Sir Lazer of Blazer, came to Cray for some advice one time. Sir Lazer looked at Cray and said

“Sir Cray, you are the sexiest and most feared knight. You have slain many dragons. How can I be like you?”

Sir Cray looked around as he smoked a joint. He laughed as he replied.

“Lazer, you cannot be like me. For I am me. You can only be you.”

Lazer did not like that answer. Lazer rushed at Cray and I… erm… I mean Cray vanquished Lazer. Lazer was not worthy of Sir Cray’s tutelage. Lazer was merely canon fodder. He was the knight that the Queen would send out first to see how dangerous the dragons were. Lazer was constantly saved by Sir Cray.

Following the slaying of Sir Lazer of Blazer, Sir Cray ventured onward. He had a seat on a rock where he felt a tug at his tunic. Cray looked down to see a fox was the culprit. He held his hand out and the fox bit him right on his beautifully perfect hand. Cray smacked the fox. The fox spoke up.

“Dear sir. Why do you smack at me? I am but a simple Tsukiko.”

Truffle interrupted the story.

”Cray, why is there a japanese fox in a medieval story?”

I smacked the kid again.

”I don’t make the rules of the story. I just retell it. Anyway…

Sir Cray looked down at Tsukiko.

“Fair Tsukiko. Haven’t you ever heard the saying “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”

The fox shook its head from side to side.

“Sir, with all due respect, I am but a stupid forest animal. How would I have ever heard of such a thing.”

Cray nodded as he spoke.

“This is true. You see Tsukiko, I could have fed you but instead I will not as you bit me and now I am bleeding.”

The fox licked Cray’s wound and it magically stopped bleeding. Cray looked down at the fox and was spooked so he cut the fox’s legs off and threw it in the river. The fox screamed out in pain and agony.

“I trusted you!”

Cray shivered.

“Excuse the fuck out of me for not liking a witchy demonic fox in the middle of a forest. You see I rely on logic and a talking fox is not logical.”

Cray ventured onward as he came to a bridge. As he stepped one foot on the bridge a Troll appeared on the bridge.

“I am Alex the troll of Scott Bridge. In order to pass you must answer my riddle. What has five eyes, three legs, and only has sex every other Full moon?”

Swiftly Cray grabbed his sword and sliced the troll’s head off. The troll kept speaking as, well you know, magic.

“Fair knight you must answer my riddle in order to pass.”

Cray kept walking as he kicked the troll’s head into the water.

The End!”

Truffle looked on in disgust. His eyes wide as dinner plates.

”Cray, what is the moral of the story?”

I laughed as I continued.

”The moral of the story is that neither Lazer Blazer, Tsukiko, nor Alex Scott stands a chance against someone as talented and good looking as me.”

The house rumbled as it lifted off it’s foundation. I looked out the window and let out an audible “Uh Oh” Truffle looked outside and then back at me.

”You know this is kidnapping right?”

I shook my head.

”No. How was I supposed to know the five hundred penis shaped balloons I ordered would get strapped to my house while I was telling the greatest story in the world? You see Truffle, that reminds me of another story.”

Truffle screamed.

”No Cray. No more non sensical stories. I want to go home. I want my mommy!”

Cray laughed maniacally.

”Trust me kid, I want your mommy too. However for the foreseeable future it is me, you, and a whole slew of sexcapade stories in order to make you become a man. There is one about Stephen Osbourne I know you will enjoy.”

Truffle jumped out the window as the scene faded to black.

The scene reopened to me sitting in the middle of my study. I smiled as I spoke into the camera.

”Hi. Cray Mitchell here. I hope you enjoyed my retelling of the story from Disney’s Up! You see, that movie was kind of creepy. Names were changed in this retelling because, quite frankly, I do not want myself nor my employer sued for copyright infringement. You see the fair use law states “In its most general sense, a fair use is any copying of copyrighted material done for a limited and “transformative” purpose, such as to comment upon, criticize, or parody a copyrighted work. Such uses can be done without permission from the copyright owner.”

So Disney can fucking suck my cock! You hear that you anti semitic fuck!”

My assistant whispered into my ear. I looked at her in a concerned manner.

”Of course I know Walt Disney died in 1966. I can still say whatever the fuck I want. Who let you out of your dungeon anyway.”

She looked down uncomfortably.

”You did Mr Mitchell so that I could go pick the child actor up in order to make this nonsensical bullshit.”

I shot her a glare.

”I am far from nonsensical, Mary. I am creative and I am artistic. I make sure the fans are entertained. Are you not entertained?”

She shook her head side to side.

”You uncultured swine! Get back in the dungeon and send one of my other concubines up. You are highly disrespectful and I do not like nor appreciate it. You are to praise my work.”

She turned to walk away and I slapped her ass. I smiled as I looked in the distance watching her walk away. I smirked as the scene faded out again. This time for good. I mean it. Go away!

** Note : No kids were harmed in the making of this promo. No Lazers, Tsukikos, or Alexs were actually killed. That is coming on Metal at the hands of me, Cray Mitchell.

Copyright 2020 FuckBoi Productions **