Post by Andre Aquarius on Apr 23, 2020 23:49:43 GMT -5
Part 1: Missed Calls #1 (T-Man and the Massahs of the Universe)
YOU’VE REACHED THE OFFICE OF AW CO-PRESIDENT TORTURE. OUR OFFICE HOURS ARE SIX A.M. TO FIVE P.M. THE OFFICE IS CURRENTLY CLOSED BUT LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE’LL TRY TO GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
BEEP.
Andre: Masssaaaaah Tort, it’s ya boi AA! You prolly already know you a fuckin’ bitch and I ain’t gotta tell you twice, but I just thought you should know...that ya whole GAWD damn company is about to go down and it’s all gon’ be ‘cause of me. Part of me thinks that maybe I should be thankin’ ya. I mean, y’alls dumbass decision to terminate the contract of a muhfucker who prints money. AW, WCF, OSW...all you fuckin’ bums was keepin’ SickWaves down for waaaaay too long, but that’s all over now, because in just one fuckin’ night..I managed to change everything.
Fed up wit’ the lower card burials at the hands of prick ass management, I decided to do somethin’ ‘bout it. So, I went and got mine. Got the bag, made sure I got the shot I deserved and I’m out here fuckin’ takin’ it. Just know that while you busy wit’ ya lil’ rumble match, Imma be paradin’ ‘round the fuckin’ world wit’ the crown that none of you niggas over at ADub deemed me worth of even gettin’ close to. Who knows? Maybe I’ll show up to the fuckin’ thing wit’ the AyyPDub Championship and let ya audience see what a real fuckin’ star looks like. I ain’t just comin’ to bring AyyPDub a slice of the pie, I’m takin’ the whole fuckin’ thing. Suck my muhfuckin’ dick, bro.
Part 2: My design
Andre: Right ‘bout now is when the blood starts flowin’ into my hang down and makin’ me frisky as a muhfucker, cause the wait is almost over for me. That clock is tickin’, Damon. Are you startin’ to feel that shit heatin’ up on ya? It’s almost time for ya first defense as AyyPDub champ, the moment that tests whether or not you really is all that. You’d think they would’uh served ya ass up a nice lil’ softball ******* to help you get some of that good rub, but nah, you been thrown in the skillet wit’ a table spoon of butter and a dash of Old Bay and are makin’ a whole evenin’ out of it.
I’m sure it’s drivin’ you fuckin’ insane right now, knowin’ that this lil’ multi-fed, accolade packed career you love to run ya gums about whenever there’s a ******* in ya radius is at risk the way it is. After all, there’s no way in Hell that someone focused on lookin’ so pristine and composed between the ropes can let themselves fall so quickly to somebody who’s supposed to be beneath them mentally and physically, right? Well, in case you ain’t notice, I got a thing for fuckin’ up expectations and when I do the same thing at your expense, you should prolly take it personally. See, cause I ain’t give a fuck ‘bout your accolades or your obsession to maintain that one-dimensional self image you workin’ wit’. I don’t care if you go and hide out in ya granddaddy study for the billionth time to sulk after I turn ya skull into a juice box. I have no hang ups about doing what I need to do to you in ruinin’ your career.
You out here talkin’ ‘bout burnin’ companies down and tryna credit your absence as the reason they end up eventually foldin’, but what you gon’ be faced wit’ this week is somebody capable of givin’ this place new life and Imma do it just to watch you and every other muhfucker in the back get down on ya hands and knees and kiss my fuckin’ feet. Andre Aquarius buries past employers cause they’re fuckin’ racist. I bury them niggas by showin’em up right here in AyyPDub. I ain’t gotta do nothin’ other than outshine them and outshine you. What I’m doin’ here is somethin’ that I know people like you and Smith Jones ain’t capable of that’s keepin’ this Netflix deal locked down and makin’ people REALLY give a fuck ‘bout AyyPDub.
I can build the kingdom and you can’t. It’s just one of them things, ya feel? Imma make this an empire in my own image, ‘cause I’ve lived a life that’s the polar opposite of ya cushy ass bullshit. The best architects know how to build shit from the ground up, ‘cause they know what the ground looks like and it ain’t the kinda white boy privledge that has you runnin’ ‘round the hills an imported boyfriend and not a care in the Goddamn world. I know what it’s like to be kicked when you're down and to be systematically spit on. So, legit..disregard everythin’ you think you know going into YUNG Gawds of Wrestlin’, ‘cause Andre Aquarius will rewrite all of it.
Part 3: Missed Calls #2 (DagRiddikGang)
THE NUMBER YOU’RE TRYING TO REACH HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED OR IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE. GOODBYE.
I sit out on the balcony of my suitet, impatiently tappin’ my foot as I dial the next number and look back to the bed behind me where Chloe’s bare tits stare back at me. After a few rings, I’m greeted by the familiar accent of one Joey Flash.
Andre: It’s-
Joey Flash: Sike, I don’t give a fuck. Piss of cunt, I’m trying to do a promo.
Fuckin’ prick.
CLICK.
Part 4: Fifty shades of cringe
Chloe: Are you coming back to bed?
I turned from my phone, greeted by the tired eyes of the corporate good good sprawled butt fuckin’ nekked across the white linens of the hotel bed.
Chloe: Okay. Just whenever you’re ready then.
She turns away, grantin’ me the perfect view of the thiccest ass this side of Asesinato De Mayo. I slide my thumb across the screen once more as I close the balcony doors behind me, a flood of Instagram followers flockin’ in as soon as that live hits.
So, relax them shoulders and pull the cock out ya pants, just to show us all that it ain’t a Ken Doll situation goin’ on down there like everybody be expectin’, you plastic muhfucker. You are stiff and uninterestin’, a reality that you hide from ya’self and try desperately to mask behind cinematic flare. You fear ya true identity, ‘cause deep down, ya know you ain’t got one. Bein’ well off enough and ridin’ ‘round them hills affords you that privilege though. Of course, nobody close to you gon’ say shit ‘cause they too be thinkin’ that the way you carry ya’self can stand in where you lack personality.
That, or maybe you just got’em all too roped in to be anything other than a bunch’uh bumblin’ yes men, not really doin’ anything other than compensatin’ you wit’ a suck off cause you keep’em wrapped around ya finger like you some Californian Joe Exotic by danglin’ the easy life in front of their faces and why? You mean to tell me that you got a toned up brown boi ‘round your crib who ain’t had no dick better than the one that comes from Chris Traeger school for people who tryna act normal? You are a Zuckerberg ass ******* and it’s time for somebody to show ya mans that the person dickin’ him down is nothin’ more than fuckin’ drywall.
Damon, you absolutely ain’t even a fraction of menace to society you thinkin’ that you is. We read the articles and seen the clips and it’s clear that you ain’t built to last where you at right now. I know you finna mock ya boi and undermine my own ability wit’ no real substance behind any of it, but seein’ as its gon’ come from a ******* more focused on becomin’ the next Vitaly than he is becomin’ the undisputed number one in AyyPDub,it all carries zero fuckin’ weight wit’ me.
Let’s talk about it, yeah? Let’s talk about the fact that your idea of bein’ villainous is vigilante justice for any ******* you deem morally out of wack or goin’ to a Walmart to cough on a bunch’uh boomer muhfucks durin’ an outbreak. You thought muhfuckers was gon’ ignore that and not point you out as the corny ******* you really is for it? You are every bit the obnoxious fuckin’ clown nose wearin’ bitch that people used to try to Mister Kunta as. You front as a sociopath to add depth where there is none after seein’ Jared Holmes on ya TV, ‘cause you figured “Hey, I look like an extra on 90210. Maybe I can be that guy.”
Maybe it could’ve worked for a lil’ bit, yeah? Maybe you would have floated by as AyyPDub champ wit’ out a real challenger and the company would’ve drown itself due to a lack of talent at the top capable of puttin’ the whole squad on their back and then you could’ve wandered into another talent deficient promotion and spun the same tired fuckin’ tales as you were able to in the last five joints, but then that pesky negro boi Andre Aquarius decided to show up and ruin everything for you. Not even a month into your time wit’ the strap and you’re faced wit’ a challenge you ain’t built for. What a fuckin’ shame.
What a shame that ya copy and paste promos and ya copy and paste ring strats are gettin’ put to the test by someone really willin’ to test ya, because it ain’t simply a muhfucker who wants what you have, it’s somebody who doesn’t want you to have it and knows that you don’t deserve it, that you ain’t really want the smoke that comes wit’ bein’ on some king shit. This ain’t no Smith Jones white boi beef, because I ain’t just here to hit you in the ego, I’m here to rip ya fuckin’ heart out and make your boyfriend watch my play hacky sack wit’ it.
I finally have the chance I’ve been denied my whole fuckin’ career and it’s a two birds wit’ one stone vibe out here. Not only do I get to drop my nuts in the mouth of the unseasoned chicken breast of world champs, but I get to show ya boy Jaime what a real dom actually looks like. None of that “BDSM for Dummies” garbage, just a real fuckin’ ******* grabbin’ you by the neck and draggin’ you across the canvas like it’s a game of Duck Hunt until the game crashes and Fes comes rushin’ in to blow into the bottom of the cartridge in hopes that it gets you to work again, like pokin’ a ******* wit’ a stick til you finally realize that they already dead.
You ought to recognize that there just ain’t any safe words in play for you when that bell rings. I’m not here to play that shit. I ain’t just comin’ to take the title or make you question your own worth and legitimacy as a world champion. I want everybody watching at home, either at yours or outside of it..to see Damon Warrens reduced to nothin’ more than the rubble you’ve yet to be acquinted wit’. It’s time you meet the Jay Z of ADub, the real fuckin’ architect who ‘bout to swing the wreckin’ ball into the side of the real estate you be takin’ up at the top of the rankings. Everything you value belongs to me now and you do too. From here on out, it’s sir to you. Got it?
I hit the camera wit’ the lil’ lightskin smile, just now seein’ the flood of comments that been rushin’ in the whole time.
Part 5: Missed Calls #3 (#BlackBeaver)
Wit’ the street lights below mostly asleep and traffic brought to a crawl, I scroll through numbers again, most of’em bein’ people I ain’t care to fuck wit’ or default dance on wit’ the news of my contendership. Left wit’ nothin’ but my own thoughts, I can’t help but think ‘bout the comedy in everything right now. Comin’ from a group whose more acclaimed members had dogged me as bein’ the worst one out of all of us to now bein’ just one win away from becomin’ everything that they never thought I could…
DUSTIN
Honestly, it’d been awhile since I’d talked to DB. He was the one member of the group who really fucked wit’ me outside of the stable dynamic and you know, we worked pretty fuckin’ well together too. There was a point in time where #BlackBeaver was poised to dominate tag team wrestlin’, but you know, shit happens and people get caught up wit’ they own individual priorities. Still, I appreciate knowin’ that at least one person in that group was more than a fake friend. Do I try? Will he answer? Should I just wait ‘til the mornin’? Beavs is prolly busy makin’ money moves of his own and shit.
INCOMING CALL FROM…
DUSTIN
My guy.
Beaver: Andre! Sorry if it’s a bad time, but I’m watching a replay for Alpha Pro right now and how the Hell did you not tell me about this?!
Andre: My bad, man. I just figured you was doin’ your thing and didn’t wanna bug ya.
Beaver: Dude, don’t even worry about it! Number one contender for a world title?! That’s nuts, man!
Andre: Yeah, feelin’ good ‘bout the whole thing.
Beaver: It’s about damn time that somebody take notice and give you a shot. That’s awesome, really.
Andre: Ayy, thank you, bruh.
Beaver: You know, it really has been a while though. We need to catch up for real. It’s been ages since the two of us have hung out.
Andre: Yeah, for sure. As long as you ain’t too busy.
Beaver: Not really. With everything going on in the world right now, things have been moving a lot slower.
Andre: Well, if you ain’t busy and you decide that you wanna come through, the PPV is Monday night in Houston. I could always save you a seat if you want. For real though, no pressure at all, bruh.
Beaver: Bro, I’d love to!
Andre: A’ight, bet.
Beaver: I’m gonna let you go, but I’ll talk to you later. Kick his ass, brother!
Andre: I got you.
Beaver: Later, man.
CLICK
Part 6: Final words
My pace is visibly eager as I bounce around the backstage intersection just behind Gorilla, peakin’ through the curtain at the sea of niggas in the audience. The sound of bodies hittin’ the canvas and the Houston crowd’s roarin’ fuckin’ screams carry through the twists and turns of the stadium, sendin’ goosebumps across my skin as I hear’em.
Andre: What’s good?
Troy Butler: Obviously, we’re only minutes away from the main event. If you could, walk us through how you’re feeling right now.
Andre: This is it, right? After all my years of bein’ fucked over and fucked on, Andre Aquarius gets to headline inside a fuckin’ stadium in Astroworld nonetheless. I feel better than I ever have and there ain’t no man on this Earth that can take this moment away from me. Ain’t no Massah Seffery or Massah Tort lettin’ my talent collect dust. APW made the right choice and tonight, it’s all about to pay off for all involved, because tonight I’m flippin’ the game on it’s head and changin’ the way that it’s played.
Troy Butler: Any last words for the champion or those watching at home?
Andre: Muhfuckers have slept on me for five GAWD DAMN years, Troy. When this is over, AyyPDub and Mister Kunta will just be gettin’ started and when that logo hits the bottom right hand corner of ya screens, it ain’t gon’ be no talk about Damon Warrens. Tonight, we turn the page on this shitty fuckin’ excuse for a world champion as I welcome everyone...to The Age of Aquarius.
#FadeToLightskin
