Post by Jason Ryan on Mar 27, 2020 14:32:21 GMT -5
(WARNING! This show contains material that will be sensitive to all you pieces of shit. However, despite your burning hatred for me, you won’t stop watching because Jason motherfucking Ryan, is on the screen, the only shining light in your otherwise pathetic lives. So start fapping as your object of worship will grace you sons and daughters of whores and bitches with his presence. Welcome to That’s So Jason, which is Ryanese for God. Now bow.)
Jason is seen in a swirling office chair behind a desk. He is wearing a nice white silk suit and a pair of rhinestone sunglasses. A Cuban cigar lies on an ashtray next to a bottle of Black Velvet and a shot glass. Behind him are three podiums, whatever is on them is covers by red towels
Hello everybody and welcome to the only show worth watching! I am the Embodiment of Entertainment, APW’s Megastar, The Godfather of The Bloodline, God God oh my God, Jason motherfucking Ryan! And first thing’s first, let’s talk about my newer movie which will be in theaters by Halloween which is appropriate since it is only the greatest horror movie to ever be filmed. It’s called P.O.V. That’s Point of View for you uneducated Plebeians. It’s about a guy who suffers from a warped perception of his surroundings. Example, he sees lightbulbs as apples and thus bites into them. Shit like that. But he sees other humans just like how I see them. As repulsive disgusting, repugnant monsters and thus sees it as his mission to purge them. And you know it’s gonna be an excellent movie because I am in it! Let’s go ahead and watch a trailer.
(The screen shows a trailer of the movie. Suspenseful thriller scenes with brief glimpses of gore. When it’s over Jason is seen standing in front of a green screen showing an award show stage. In his hand is a trophy. Applause is played from a speaker.)
Oh you’re welcome! You’re welcome! Oh you’re so blessed I’m here to make the best movies ever made. I know! I know I am God’s gift to the human race. You don’t deserve me! None of you deserve me! And I of course accept this Academy Award, you’re welcome!
( Jason heads back to his seat and pours himself some Black Velvet and lights his cigar. He raises the glass to the camera and drains it. )
Next on the agenda, I have a few awards to give out. You see, because APW doesn’t understand that only true talent deserves to wear the gold and give it to undeserving, untalented hacks, I have decided that The Bloodline will be getting custom made Bloodline Championship Wrestling titles. Introducing first, the Bloodline Global Championship.
( Jason removes one of the red towels to reveal the championship belt.)
And the first ever and eternal Bloodline Global Champion is… Soul Reaver!
(Jason pretends to cry as Pomp and Circumstance begins to play. After a few moments, the music died down as Jason went to the second podium.)
And now the Bloodline Universal Championship!
( Jason removes the towel to reveal the second championship.)
And the first ever and eternal Bloodline Universal champion is…. Aaron Blaze!
( Pomp and Circumstances begins to play again as Jason begins to fake sob again. He moves to the last podium)
And now for the Bloodline World Heavyweight Championship
( Jason removes the last towel to reveal the custom made championship.)
( Jason makes a big show of pretending to cry as he hoisted the title and begins to posture as if he had won it in a match.)
I deserve it! * clap clap clap I deserve it!
( Jason drapes the title over his shoulder and sits back in his chair. He takes a puff from his cigar.)
Now let’s talk about Battline’s Battlecade. It takes place during the vastly inferior APW Battlecade. I could cut one of those “ promos” you stupid fucking wrestlers cut but instead, I made a music video for my opponents. Roll the footage.
( The screen fades to black for a moment. When it goes back into focus it shows Jason dressed in a blue Cookie Monster t shirt, black jeans and a Tapout hat. He also wears a bunch of fake gold chains, cheap sunglasses and ugly fake teeth in a run down house. He begins to dance like a buffoon and does a bad impression of Johnny’s voice while he begins to rap. The instrumental version of “ It’s Everyday Bro” plays in the background.)
Yo it’s Johnny Stylez bro with my non existent flow
By that that I mean my rapping is worse than my wrestling, that’s obvious though.
I’m such a goddamn abortion it should honestly be a crime
And to make it worse I have to suck Jason’s cock just to get some screen time
I want to be Jason, that is clearly true
I’m so sorry Jason that I try and fail to impersonate you
I have none of your talent charisma or skill
And I’m so little of a man, you might as well call me Jill.
My only talent is being other people’s fuck boy slave
My mere existence is the reason for AIDS
I’m a walking seamen stew
Can’t get whiter than me dude
This is Johnny Stylez bitch, I’m the zero talent foo!
Watch me try and steal Jason’s flow, talent not here yo!
Without Jason Ryan my fan support would be zero!
( The screen fades to black once more and when it comes back into focus it shows Jason wearing his typical suit and sunglasses.)
It’s your man, the creator of the JRE
Spitting that one of a kind energy
WIth that innate killer flow, don't get better than this yo
I’ve got plenty of ammo so sit back, kick back, relax and enjoy the show.
Let me start with you El Muertos you non factor
Trying to sell you’re a badass to hide the fact you’re a loser.
Nothing special, nothing imposing
Just a copy and paste jackoff who is nothing but a parody of wrestling.
Kneel before me, your one true God
I’m more powerful than thee, the world is my synagogue.
And now for you Johnny, you may of beat me once, the only thing you’ve done right in a while
But now it’s time to strike back, empire style
Last name Ryan, first name Jason
Go ahead and drink your breast milk whilst you listen to what I’m spitting.
You’re persistent and annoying
Just like your genital condition.
But lighten up gentlemen, it’ll all be okay
Turn the other cheek. Ew.
Never mind turn back the other way
The Bloodline will make you relevant for another week
Just know when we win, our after party will be too sweet.
We are so entertaining we outshine The Rock
After we win you can suck our cocks!
( After the screen fades to black and returns to normal, Jason is sitting in his chair.)
And now the very last segment where I read letters from people and give them advice. First one is from Smith Jones. It says Dear Jason Ryan, how can I be over like you? My gimmick if you can call it that sucks.
Well, Smith, normally I’d say do what I do but I’m sick of people copying me. So just pretend to be John Cena, maybe then you’ll get honest cheers and APW won’t have to play it over the sound system. Next up we have a letter from Irina. It reads, Jason, it’s no secret I suck at my job. Would you like to take over?
Well Irina I would but I am faaaaaaarrrr too busy with more important projects. Tell you what, run everything by me first and I’ll take it from there. Next is Virgin Virginia. It reads, Dear Jason, how do I impress the ladies?
Well I’d start by not being yourself because let’s be honest you suck. Be rich and successful like me, ah who am I kidding that’s not gonna happen so paying for it ain’t gonna work. Wait, you’re from Virginia right? Well since everyone there is inbred, I guess go fuck your family members. And that’s all the time we have for tonight. See you next week. Until then, you’re welcome.
( The screen fades to black as the outro begins to play.)
Jason is seen in a swirling office chair behind a desk. He is wearing a nice white silk suit and a pair of rhinestone sunglasses. A Cuban cigar lies on an ashtray next to a bottle of Black Velvet and a shot glass. Behind him are three podiums, whatever is on them is covers by red towels
Hello everybody and welcome to the only show worth watching! I am the Embodiment of Entertainment, APW’s Megastar, The Godfather of The Bloodline, God God oh my God, Jason motherfucking Ryan! And first thing’s first, let’s talk about my newer movie which will be in theaters by Halloween which is appropriate since it is only the greatest horror movie to ever be filmed. It’s called P.O.V. That’s Point of View for you uneducated Plebeians. It’s about a guy who suffers from a warped perception of his surroundings. Example, he sees lightbulbs as apples and thus bites into them. Shit like that. But he sees other humans just like how I see them. As repulsive disgusting, repugnant monsters and thus sees it as his mission to purge them. And you know it’s gonna be an excellent movie because I am in it! Let’s go ahead and watch a trailer.
(The screen shows a trailer of the movie. Suspenseful thriller scenes with brief glimpses of gore. When it’s over Jason is seen standing in front of a green screen showing an award show stage. In his hand is a trophy. Applause is played from a speaker.)
Oh you’re welcome! You’re welcome! Oh you’re so blessed I’m here to make the best movies ever made. I know! I know I am God’s gift to the human race. You don’t deserve me! None of you deserve me! And I of course accept this Academy Award, you’re welcome!
( Jason heads back to his seat and pours himself some Black Velvet and lights his cigar. He raises the glass to the camera and drains it. )
Next on the agenda, I have a few awards to give out. You see, because APW doesn’t understand that only true talent deserves to wear the gold and give it to undeserving, untalented hacks, I have decided that The Bloodline will be getting custom made Bloodline Championship Wrestling titles. Introducing first, the Bloodline Global Championship.
( Jason removes one of the red towels to reveal the championship belt.)
And the first ever and eternal Bloodline Global Champion is… Soul Reaver!
(Jason pretends to cry as Pomp and Circumstance begins to play. After a few moments, the music died down as Jason went to the second podium.)
And now the Bloodline Universal Championship!
( Jason removes the towel to reveal the second championship.)
And the first ever and eternal Bloodline Universal champion is…. Aaron Blaze!
( Pomp and Circumstances begins to play again as Jason begins to fake sob again. He moves to the last podium)
And now for the Bloodline World Heavyweight Championship
( Jason removes the last towel to reveal the custom made championship.)
( Jason makes a big show of pretending to cry as he hoisted the title and begins to posture as if he had won it in a match.)
I deserve it! * clap clap clap I deserve it!
( Jason drapes the title over his shoulder and sits back in his chair. He takes a puff from his cigar.)
Now let’s talk about Battline’s Battlecade. It takes place during the vastly inferior APW Battlecade. I could cut one of those “ promos” you stupid fucking wrestlers cut but instead, I made a music video for my opponents. Roll the footage.
( The screen fades to black for a moment. When it goes back into focus it shows Jason dressed in a blue Cookie Monster t shirt, black jeans and a Tapout hat. He also wears a bunch of fake gold chains, cheap sunglasses and ugly fake teeth in a run down house. He begins to dance like a buffoon and does a bad impression of Johnny’s voice while he begins to rap. The instrumental version of “ It’s Everyday Bro” plays in the background.)
Yo it’s Johnny Stylez bro with my non existent flow
By that that I mean my rapping is worse than my wrestling, that’s obvious though.
I’m such a goddamn abortion it should honestly be a crime
And to make it worse I have to suck Jason’s cock just to get some screen time
I want to be Jason, that is clearly true
I’m so sorry Jason that I try and fail to impersonate you
I have none of your talent charisma or skill
And I’m so little of a man, you might as well call me Jill.
My only talent is being other people’s fuck boy slave
My mere existence is the reason for AIDS
I’m a walking seamen stew
Can’t get whiter than me dude
This is Johnny Stylez bitch, I’m the zero talent foo!
Watch me try and steal Jason’s flow, talent not here yo!
Without Jason Ryan my fan support would be zero!
( The screen fades to black once more and when it comes back into focus it shows Jason wearing his typical suit and sunglasses.)
It’s your man, the creator of the JRE
Spitting that one of a kind energy
WIth that innate killer flow, don't get better than this yo
I’ve got plenty of ammo so sit back, kick back, relax and enjoy the show.
Let me start with you El Muertos you non factor
Trying to sell you’re a badass to hide the fact you’re a loser.
Nothing special, nothing imposing
Just a copy and paste jackoff who is nothing but a parody of wrestling.
Kneel before me, your one true God
I’m more powerful than thee, the world is my synagogue.
And now for you Johnny, you may of beat me once, the only thing you’ve done right in a while
But now it’s time to strike back, empire style
Last name Ryan, first name Jason
Go ahead and drink your breast milk whilst you listen to what I’m spitting.
You’re persistent and annoying
Just like your genital condition.
But lighten up gentlemen, it’ll all be okay
Turn the other cheek. Ew.
Never mind turn back the other way
The Bloodline will make you relevant for another week
Just know when we win, our after party will be too sweet.
We are so entertaining we outshine The Rock
After we win you can suck our cocks!
( After the screen fades to black and returns to normal, Jason is sitting in his chair.)
And now the very last segment where I read letters from people and give them advice. First one is from Smith Jones. It says Dear Jason Ryan, how can I be over like you? My gimmick if you can call it that sucks.
Well, Smith, normally I’d say do what I do but I’m sick of people copying me. So just pretend to be John Cena, maybe then you’ll get honest cheers and APW won’t have to play it over the sound system. Next up we have a letter from Irina. It reads, Jason, it’s no secret I suck at my job. Would you like to take over?
Well Irina I would but I am faaaaaaarrrr too busy with more important projects. Tell you what, run everything by me first and I’ll take it from there. Next is Virgin Virginia. It reads, Dear Jason, how do I impress the ladies?
Well I’d start by not being yourself because let’s be honest you suck. Be rich and successful like me, ah who am I kidding that’s not gonna happen so paying for it ain’t gonna work. Wait, you’re from Virginia right? Well since everyone there is inbred, I guess go fuck your family members. And that’s all the time we have for tonight. See you next week. Until then, you’re welcome.
( The screen fades to black as the outro begins to play.)
