GiMMiCK GaRaGE SALE EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!

...I don't think I'm reachin too far out there when I sit there and say in our particular line of work once upon a time there lived a magical and wonderful concept known to everyone in sed industry as


And I think I can skip the whole friggin bedtime story that revolves around what kayfabe is because even the marx in this friggin business know what KAYFABE WAS.  But look even though at this point you still haven't the slightest phucking clue what I'm talking about the FINE.  I am going to step way the phuck out of my comfort zone and do you twat waffles a


...And if she can't tell ya then I'm sorry but you're just gunna have to go old school and google that shit, because take a good friggin look butt wipes...I'M LA JOHNNY STYLEZ YOU KNOW LIKE


To go ahead and patch up this 4th wall as best as I can, I'm gunna go ahead and give you shitbags a visual...ReaDy?  Psshhhh LiKe I CARE HERE WE GO!!!e
Scene opens at a big metaphorical Pro Wrestling GARAGE SALE. Now like most garage sales most of the stuff for sale is just a bunch of used crap that people have allowed to pile up over time, and after one or two really good spring cleaning days you realize that these items that are just tcollecting dust and taking up precious room inside of your home is literally losing it's value more and more wuth every passing second.  Which brings you to the inevitiabe conclusion that while  most of you mronz most definitley over paid for whatever it is you are going to bring to the GARAGE sale being able to get something at ths point the certain item or items that to you and anyone else with any common sense for all intent and purposes is worth, well in the spirit of brutal honesty I think it's fair to say that they are actually


Which brings us back to the big gigantic metaphorical pro wrestling GARAGE SALE which surprise surprise is hosted and put on by the very unpleasent folks who run that JOBBER FACTORY known as action wrestling.  Because let's face is Digger and Torture are so ful of shit themselves I'm phuckin shocked they have room for anything else in their company.  But I guess they know the same magic trick that clowns at a circus do whenever fifty of them pile up in the same old school  LINCOLN town care and then pile out of it right in front of your very eyes..But I digress, because the point is I bought some space off of them becasue I was going to go out of my way and do my new homies here in Alpha Pro Wrestling a solid and help them get rid of some of their own crap, and go ahead and get rid of some of their useless crap too!



Now I suppose the next question is, Johnny?  I have only been here for two weeks, how is iot you know that what you are trying to sell here today is as useless as you say it is.  And well ladies and gentlemen in our line of work most of the time all you have to do is take one look, and if what you see doesn't instantly scream worthless then perhaps you need new contacts or a perscription for glasses because when it is as obvious as it is today well lemme put it to you ths way...Even mother phucking


So step right up because I am making my sales pitch in just a moment.  I went through my wardrobe and waited until I came acoss my best worst suit that looked like the best ued car salseman would wear.  SO I thew it on went down the GraveDigger's mother's house when Mr. Digg still lives in the basement.  It's a quiet house on a quiet litle street any other day of the week but when Ms. DIggr throws one of these GIMMICK GARAGE SALES the end of this street turns into a halloween costume shop on October 31st.  So I put my display's on the rack which as you can see for yourselves is a FLOP costume and then one of El Muretos.  Both look like prototypical Halloween costumes.  Cheap not much too them, the kind of item when you look at the price tag and turn the bag over to see what all comes with it and you think so hard you wind up saying aloud



So suffice to say I had me work cut out for me!  But not to dispair Alpha Pro, because I can sell hot chocolate in hell, observe!!!


LA Johnny Stylez: LaDiES and GeNTLeMeN and EVeRyTHiNG EL$e INbeTWeeN step your stupid asses up and get them while you can!  First and phuckin foremost allow me to welcome you to the GIMMICK GARAGE SALE where I am told everything must go!  And boy to I have some fresh utterly



First we will start with the easy one!  Mr. PENTAGON JR HIM....Ohh wait it's not Pentagon?  Just another indy douche bag RIP OFF!  But don't despair ladies and gentlemen because what pro wrestling promotion isn't complete without one of these phuckin luchadores that wear their little masks or face paint and tell you they are some ghost or angelic devil sent here to purge your wrestling promotin.  Yup just like every brand new mini mall or shoping center almost seemingly by law must have a chinese food restaraunt and Hair Salon in them, then so should you have your very own



GET F'N SERIOUS PEOPLE?  How can these dipshits not even try and mix it up?  You hear the same schpeel over and over and over and over again and it just kind of looses it's luster!  I know these gimmicks just like these MORONZ are a DIMEa FREAKIN DOZEN, which believe me when I tell ya is more than good enough for Mr. Muretos because a dime is all he needs to buy an entire shopping carts worth full of luchadores masks for him to sell to support his family after I knock his dick in the dirt so badly tomorrow night any wrestling promoter in these here United States will know better than to insult the intelligence of their wrestling fan base any longer.  Because if this moron would have shown up I dunno maybe six months prior it could have caught this idea when it was just getting



But like I said a few moments ago, that's why I am here because after the medical staff on hand tomorrow night figure out a way to get my foot out of his ass any of you DUMPSTER DIVING WRESTLING PROMOTERS can gladly make this piece of Alpha Pro Wrestling TRASH your treasure because lemme go ahead and tell ya NO JOBBER WRESTLING FEDERATION is COMPLETE WITHOUT ONE OF THESE DICKHEADZ I PROMISE YOU!  SO HURRY HURRY STEP RIGHT UP because TOMORROW IS MONDAY NIGHT,and this useless bag of shit will be worth a lot less than he is right now after I get done his face so badly that you could peel the flesh from his face to see that I have smashes that face paint onto his stupid phuckin skull.  BEcause this guy doesn't cause me fear, he just makes me want to vomit and nervously laugh because even though he speaks with CONVICTIOn, that doesn't make it true...Actors do it all the time...Ones who are way better than Pentagon Jr's




AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!

Pardon me, but I gotta

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHA
...The best...For...
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

...Sorry it was hard to say that with a straight face!  Anyway, yes while this phuckin idiot looks and act like some how Vanilla Ice and Dustin Diamond as his immortal character known as Screech Powers some how got together bumped uglies and one of them got preggers the result would be the unfortunate human being that for some odd reson is a thing in the wrestling business known as



Well to be honest I have no phuckin clue.  But after hearing that little poem he recited during his last promo the best guess I can hazard is he decided to name himself after the public reaction to his first solo album.  I guess starting the COFFEE SHOP RAP trend experiment didn't work out so well.  So hey in a world where shit gimmicks like 3MB, the NEW DAY, BROKEN MATT HARDY can get over huge then why not some nerdy lookin white kid who dresses like most people grandmothers comes out and impresses you all while he recites rhymes that are so simplistic, caddy, and lame that even



Don't worry MaMMa G, I may not be able to shoot this prick but you can rest assured I will phuckin


BEcause the fact of the matter is gentleen why you will climb in the ring with me tomrrow night and the two of them will only leave with fresh cuts, bumps, and bruises and eventually scars so that they have something tangible on their bodies to recall the night they were taught the most important lesson of their entire lives.  Or one day if they hopefully can find someone as equally sad and pathetic as they are to share a bed a home and to have kids with...Their kids will one day ask them why they never made it in this business they can point to their little scare right underneath their lips where I punched their teeth through their lips and tell them all about the night they ran into the man known around the WORLD AS THE DoN oF Di$Re$PeCT!!!  ANd he saw both of them for what they were!  Two young stupid, entitled pussies who were trying to get over wearing these cutsey little costumes that hid the fact that they were two dainty dripping wet vaginas that were one big dick away from having their cherry busted...and that big dick boyz and girls



SO pack your bags bitches and get ready to go back to the only wrestling promotion that features useles sacks of shit like the two of you...AS you can remind everyone why they have more than a good reason to not tune into wrestling of the professional variety on CBS! While they are much better off catchig us on NETFLIX...Because really who the phuck even has cable anymoe?



NOW PLEASE SOMEONE GET ME THE PHUCK OUTTA HERE BEFORE I GET JOBBER ALL OVER ME!

ANd with that, I say phuck it don't even wait for a bid, because they could have them!  I had better places to be and better people to do...So yeah I guess you should all join us tomorrow night when you can see for yourselves the ascension of The PaRaGoNa oF AMeRiKaNA to the top of ALPHA PRO WRESTLING by helping take out it's TRASH!  ANd just remember this when you are sitting at home watching that it's been so long since the business has had anyone like me...SO for you to sit there on your couch breathing out of your mouth with your thumb jammed all the way in your asscrack, it still


...Has BeeN YoUR PLea$uRE!!!!