Post by Andre Aquarius on Feb 23, 2020 20:42:10 GMT -5
Part 1: Refresh
AW Producer: Are you fucking kidding me?!
Lil’ ******* was mad fumin’ wit’ that big angry energy. I expected some shit like this to happen.
Andre: *******, you sayin’ it was ME that put someone else in a shitty position? You a fuckin’ cluckhead if you really be thinkin’ that I was the one who fucked someone over tonight.
AW Producer: Everyone’s here to put on a good show. Can you say the same about yourself?
Andre: When’s the last time you saw ya boy on TV?
AW Producer: You were injured.
Andre: Really? We finna pretend that I didn’t originally throw my name into the hat for Cruiserweight Havoc? That I wasn’t settin’ it up for SickWaves to go out there and win the fuckin’ strap. Think on that for a second, muhfucker.
AW Producer: They were challenging you just to show that you give a fuck about being here and you dipped. Now myself and everyone else that makes sure the train gets from point A to point B around here is going to have to answer to Torture when he asks us what the fuck that stunt was all about.
Andre: You call it a stunt, I call it standin’ up for myself and remindin’ people ‘bout the importance of my stock up in this bitch.
AW Producer: Your stock?! You’ve been MIA for months and when you do show up, it’s to give us all the middle finger. You’re something else, man.
Andre: Whatever.
AW Producer: Well, whatever. You’re out now. Let me guess? You’re headed to some other company now that you’re out of your contract?
Andre: Yessir.
I turn and head towards the locker room to collect my shit wit’ this fuckin’ boner still yappin’ away in the background.
He has no fuckin’ idea, none of them do. This is me goin’ all in on myself. What happens next, this will be me takin’ on the role I was always meant to fill, bein’ the fuckin’ franchise.
Part 2: Goodbyes and shit
This was it. I’d packed up all my important shit and threw it in the trunk of the new whip. I knew my ass was on the way out in that ADub, so I made my arrangements prior to my last appearance. I knew that when I walked outta that arena, it would be for the last time. While ADub was workin’ out for the bruh bruh KOS, it wasn’t doin’ shit for me. Over time, I’ve gotten sick of the dead ends and knew that as soon as my contract was up, I’d be splittin’. To be honest, I consider them tryna fuck me wit’ that contract on the line bullshit to be somethin’ of a blessin’.
I told Spencer what was up. As someone who been fightin’ shit in his own right, I feel like he understood. He did seem confused though ‘bout me sayin’ that I was leavin’ Slab City too. After introducin’ him to it in the first place, he prolly assumed that I was a lifer. What I haven’t told him or anyone else ‘bout it is that I’ve grown restless. The incident that led me there is behind me and the charm of bein’ left alone was wearin’ off for awhile now. In all that quiet, I was missin’ out on who I was, because at the end of the day, bein’ a fuckin’ slut is what defines me and my character.
I want it all. The bright lights, the extravagant lifestyle and flexin’ on muhfucks, and most importantly..them titties. I decided on the next step already, confident in my ability to secure the bag. As I turned the ignition (#remix, but wit’ out the rape and pissin’ on lil’ girls cause ya boy ain’t wit’ all that sus shit), I knew that I was starin’ down my now or never. All my eggs were put into this one basket. Backin’ up outta the back lot, the objective was clear as Morris fuckin’ Day.
Andre: AyyPDub, here I come.
Part 3: The bag
Conference calls...I really, really, reaaaaaaalllly fuckin’ love conference calls. Allow me to explain.
They so formal wit’ it, ya know? You get in these shits and they always wanna WOO ya wit’ the white people interpretation of what they think the ol’ razzle dazzle looks and sounds like. So formal, so polite, so rehearsed. If I were to sum that shit up wit’ one word, it’s cuck.
Jason Zurra: Now, just to be clear, nothing is set in stone yet and this should be seen as preliminary discussion, yes?
Some ******* from Netflix: Above all else, we want to come out of this conversation with positive takeaways.
Andre: We’ll get the shit done, no worries.
Jason Zurra: We haven’t even really begun. You still have yet to hear what a first offer from either of us.
Andre: I don’t need to hear it to tell ya no or explain why you’re going to offer a lot more.
Jason Zurra: Again, neither of us have given you an offer..
Andre: Half a million, three years. Basic ass bonuses. You didn’t need to say it, I can see it on ya faces. You’re on the hook, but you come in underestimatin’ what Andre Aquarius in AyyPDub means for both of ya companies. You were ready to come in here with something middle of the road, because y’all be basin’ shit off recent history. Memory is short term, but I shouldn’t blame y’all for that.
Jason Zurra: What is your counter then?..
Andre: Ten times.
Jason Zurra: Five a year? You’re joking, right?
Andre: You need someone to breathe life up in ya shit and ya need it now. That’s why we’re having this meeting. That’s why someone from ADub’s number two show who ain’t even held that brand’s top prize is gettin’ a meeting wit’ both y’all at the same time, yeah? I’ll tell you what I see right now. I see that you both want to go back to ya boards wit’ big news. You want, no, you NEED insurance, an alternative at the top other than Smith fuckin’ Jones.
Jason Zurra: Jones sells merch and tickets. Do you believe that you can do the same at a similar level coming in without the record to support such a thing?
Andre: Let me take ya back a lil’ bit further and ask ya somethin’ real quick. What do you think was the most uptrendin’ shit in the final years of WCF?
Some ******* from Netflix: I’m...not sure.
Andre: #BeachKrew, the original lineup. You know how much fuckin’ merch we sold as the guys that people DIDN’T cheer for? We outsold fan favorites by such a wide margin that it’d make ya fuckin’ head spin.
Jason Zurra: Were you personally the reason for those profits?
Andre: Yes.
Some ******* from Netflix: Go on.
Andre: Our stable defined it’s era and not just via winning percentages. The real reason we had such a fuckin’ stranglehold on the culture? It was all in vibe and aesthetic. Who defined that more than Prince Lightskin? I can tell you that when I wasn’t a focal point of that aesthetic, those sales dipped. Did you follow the group’s revival over in ADub?
Jason Zurra: Somewhat.
Andre: The GM put that shit down like livestock wit’ a gimp leg. You know who wasn’t in that group?
Jason Zurra: …
Andre: Exactly. I ain’t the muhfucker bookin’ all this shit. If I was, I’d have had the spotlight I deserve years ago. Point is, the value is there and it’s overflowin’. The fact that the companies that came before y’all overlooked that value, that’s on them. They get to be the ones livin’ in regret over that shit now. Right now, the ball is in your court. All of y’all have the opportunity to make a lot of fuckin’ money and keep ya subscribers watchin’ these shows for the next several years. If that’s what you want, and I know ya do, I get that big boy salary from AyyPDub AND I get that recurrin’ treatment from Netflix.
Some ******* from Netflix: What does that look like to you?
Andre: Movies. Cameos in ya shows. Y’all want a ******* who can talk about the history of the action figures datin’ back to when them shits was hunks of painted rubber? I won’t just keep Netflix interested in keepin’ AyyPDub on the service, I’ll bring new subscribers to the service itself. It’s that easy.
They do that shit where they get real quiet and act like they ponderin’ over the details. Really though, they hear me loud and clear. They just doin’ that “Let the phone ring a few times so you don’t sound desperate when you answer it” type shit.
Jason Zurra: I mean, it’s a lot to think about and it is a lot of money that you’re asking for. We’ll have to discuss further and get back to y-
Some ******* from Netflix: It’s a deal.
Once again, ya word of the day: Cuck. (Ex. Jason Zurra is a cuck.)
Part 4: The fuckin’ reason
Dani Applegate: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m joined at this time by one of APW’s newest signees, Andre Aquarius. Andre, tonight you join thirteen others in the main event to determine a number one contender to Smith Jones and the APW World Championship-
Andre: 555-3768.
Dani Applegate: I...um...was just about to ask you what the feeling was heading into your APW debut. Any nerves in this lead up in what is surely the biggest opportunity of your career so far.
My nuts is fuckin’ loaded.
Dani Applegate: I imagine you like your chances tonight then.
Andre: We ain’t our here talkin’ chances, we talkin’ fuckin’ guaranteeeees.
Dani Applegate: Are there any standouts in this match to you? Anybody that poses a major threat?
Andre: You’re lookin’ at him.
Dani Applegate: Interesting.
Andre: For real doe, I just can’t stand here and bullshit ya right now. This is a main event for two reasons, card placement and the inclusion of ya boi. Other than that, it’s my shit to lose and I recognize that. I also recognize the fact that there ain’t anyone here who finna bring me anywhere close to that point.
Dani Applegate: Certainly a solid mix of both new and established players all vying for the chance to take on the champion.
Andre: Is that how we’re callin’ it? You soundin’ awful fuckin’ generous wit’ the way you be talkin’ ‘bout these niggas. If that’s the case, allow me to be blunt wit’ a tone that you might not feel comfortable reppin’ on your own. Alex Scott is a gawd damn toot, I’m pretty sure John Blade a third cousin to Yung Adam, and Jaice Wilds is Jaice Wilds. Everyone else? Yeah, you right. They some “new players”. They also some fuckin’ trash ass players who can’t hold a candle, but I’d be lyin’ if I told ya I didn’t appreciate bein’ the recipient of all that OVUR at the hands of a bunch of fuckin’ feeders.
I see one star and thirteen bum ass muhfucks, a reverse Piper Perri situation just waitin’ to take off. Without me, this match is nothin’ but filler. With me, it’s a different story. It’s payin’ actual money to go to a Charlotte Hornets home game just because you got Lebron and the Lakers visitin’. My role is simple and it’s makin’ a diamond outta coal. I am not just confident ‘bout this turnin’ into a runaway contest, I’m fuckin’ promisin’ it. That’s what you get to do when the people payin’ you agree to back up the Brinks truck and just let you swim in the shit.
Dani Applegate: Do you think there’s victories or lessons to take away for any of the competitors who aren’t able to pull out a win?
Andre: If the lesson is “I got fuckin’ wrecked”, then yeah, for sure.
Dani Applegate: Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to throw names of opponents at you and you respond with your first thought. Ready?
Andre: Always.
Dani Applegate: El Muertos.
Andre: Motor oil and havin’ the opinion that The Black Album is the best shit ever. That ******* stinky and edgy and when you stinky and edgy, suckin’ on hangdown in a main event and gettin’ ya ass bounced is all it takes to fuck ya image.
Dani Applegate: Cray Mitchell.
Andre: Fat, underqualified, uninterestin’...you want me to keep throwin’ adjectives at ya or do you get the picture? Yeah? A’ight, dope.
Dani Applegate: Marko Rask.
Andre: He’s a teenage girl. Do you think I’m tryna lose to a teenage girl tonight?
Dani Applegate: Eilich Fjéll.
Andre: That ain’t a real name.
Dani Applegate: PKA.
Andre: He got the same middle name as my grandma.
Dani Applegate: Arrow Zane.
Andre: Nah.
Dani Applegate: John Blade.
Andre: He got too much neck. That shit weird.
Dani Applegate: Gunner.
Andre: His hair too wet. I don’t trust it.
Dani Applegate: Old Man.
Andre: I don’t think he likes niggas, like at all. Five bucks says that muhfuck finna come back here after I win and say a lot of shit to ya that’s gonna give the front office a fuckin’ aneurysm. It’ll be a lot of fuckin’ headache. I can’t wait.
Dani Applegate: Aaron Osmosis.
Andre: He look like the police.
Dani Applegate: Alex Scott.
Andre: Low ceiling midcard ass bitch.
Dani Applegate: Damon Warrens.
Andre: Hallmark bullshit, overproduced. You got muhfuckers in this business who try real fuckin’ hard to sell their whole shtick as profound and one of a kind while basin’ their entire existence on drivel. Damon’s ol’ headass ain’t providin’ you anything of value, he’s just chargin’ you a glass of water.
Dani Applegate: Finally, probably the most established name in this match other than yourself, Jaice Wilds.
Andre: You saved Jaice Wilds for last. That says more about twelve other people than I ever could. Jaice Wilds been a nobody walkin’ ‘round like a somebody his entire fuckin’ career and now, it’s gotten to the point where people who don’t even like each other in this industry be teamin’ up to roast this fuckin’ herb. Jaice is established, because wrestlin’ needs its punchlines. When it’s all said and done, that’s what bruh bruh finna go down as, a fuckin’ joke that the rest of us get to laugh at and Jaice doesn’t understand.
Jaice been lackin’ self awareness for a minute now on some Andre Nowzick shit. He stays believin’ that Jaice Wilds is the fuckin’ MAN, a main event attraction for any company that books him. You will never convince that type’uh ******* that he’s a bum no matter how many times he makes himself look like a fuckin’ goof. All you can really do wit’ dude is kick his teeth in and wait for the clips of him tellin’ you that it was his twin brother and he was actually away on a poor white man’s Mexican vacation. That’s how I get my kicks, by watchin’ a video of Jaice Wilds fail to explain why he’s a hack while I stroke my dick.
So, I’m gonna go out there tonight and run laps around each and every single one’uh these fuckin’ “prospects” and underwhelmin’ “vets”. I’m gettin’ a main event win in my first fuckin AyyPDub match EVER and I’m bustin’ the door wide fuckin’ open for this company. I will bury half this fuckin’ roster six feet in one fuckin’ day at the office and make this place more green than they can eat in the process. I will end the night wit’ Irina throwin’ it back in my locker room out of gratitude. That ain’t some fuckin’ prediction, it’s a GAWD DAMN promise from yours truly.
#FadeToLightskin
