The Peoples Court (Beazley vs Ryan)

"All rise for the honorable Judge Marilyn Milian."




If you have spent any time watching the afternoon court shows on TV then you are very familiar with the courtroom filling your screen. It's The Peoples Court. Sure, Judge Judy would have been the best choice to host these proceedings but Eli Beazley was on a budget and had an in with a producer on this show.



The ever sassy Marilyn Milian enters the courtroom and takes her seat. The audience is seated and that is when we get our first look at 'Breezy' Eli Beazley. He is standing behind the podium labeled 'Defendant'. The camera stays on him long enough to get a wink and a nod from Breezy. The camera pans over to find Jason Ryan and Ira Stev.... Well, it isn't REALLY them. But Eli managed to find two actors that looked close enough. The man playing Ira Stevenson looks like a combination of Ira and Danny Devito. He has on a suit that is two sizes to big and his hair is a mess. The man playing Jason Ryan looks less like Jason. He is very average looking. He has a slightly muscular build and is wearing a gaudy glittery shirt with bright white pants.

After we get a shot of the parties involved in the case we then get a very dramatic video package laying out the events that have led to Ira Stevenson and Jason Ryan suing Eli Beazley. The video is clearly from the Eli camp.



"It all started on a wintery day. The sun was shining the birds were chirping and, professional wrestler, Eli Beazley was busy donating his time at a local soup kitchen. In between serving bowls of soup to the less fortunate, Eli was informed that he was assigned to tag with Jason Ryan. Eli finished his noble, noble task and then immediately took to social media to make friends with his new partner."



"Eli's kindness was not appreciated by Jason Ryan. He sent gifts. Jason Ryan enjoyed all of the gifts immensely but still claimed to despise Eli and smear his good name on the internet. Being the Saint that he is, Eli continued to show good, Christian, kindness to Mr. Ryan. Mr. Ryan began talking about Eli's mother. He said very harsh things to Eli. And then Jason Ryan's lawyer got involved."



Boos from the crowd.



"Ira Stevenson threatened legal action against Eli if the gifts continued. Who has heard of such a thing? It's like threatening to sue Santa after you get that brand new PS4 you've wanted for years. Jason and Eli teamed up in the match. Eli did everything he possibly could to help his team win, but alas, he just couldn't carry all of the weight. Jason Ryan took the pin and then much to the delight of everyone in the world...Eli may have accidentally hit a move or two on Mr. Ryan."



Cheers from the crowd. "ELI... ELI... ELI!" breaks out in the courtroom.



"What does Eli Beazley get for all his trouble? Well, Ira Stevenson and Jason Ryan filed this meaningless, full of holes, waster of time lawsuit... and here we are... The PEOPLE'S COURT!!!"



Dramatic music finishes out the video and the camera swings back to Judge Milian. She is looking over some notes on the desk in front of her. She looks over her nose at Ryan and Stevenson and then turns to Eli.



"Mr. Beazley, I have looked through the case. I have watched the mountain of videos that you sent over... By the way... Why were the videos on VHS? And why were so many of them just footage of you working out?"



Eli does his best to look innocent. "Oh, did my workout videos get in there? My fault Your Hotness... I mean Your Honor. I just work out so much and always film myself to improve my... performance. And they are on VHS because I am somewhat of a film purist. After two semesters studying film at a community college, I con..."



Judge Milian cuts it. "Mr. Beazly I don't need your life story. As I was saying I have looked over the evidence you have presented and I would like to hear from you. Why should I side with you this afternoon?"



Eli takes a few seconds to straighten out some papers on his desk. The camera swings over his shoulder and we see that the papers are blank. Finally he looks up.



"You're honor if I may approach the bench..." Eli says as he quickly walks over to the judge.



"YOU MAY NOT!"



Eli stops just feet from the Judge. "You smell riveting... Is that Drakkar Noir?"



"No, Mr. Beazley. That is a men's cologne."



"Oh, well your scent is one that I will remember for the rest of my days..."



"Mr. Beazley!" Judge Milian says sternly.



"You're right you're honor. I am off-topic." Eli reaches his podium and clears his throat. "Ma'am, kindness should never be punished! I was nothing but kind to Jason Ryan. I sent him gifts. I offered him private workout sessions. I even carried his ass to a near victory in our match. If you rule in favor of Jason Ryan today you will be ruling against kindness. I don't know about you but I don't want to live in a world where Jesus can't help the poor. I don't want to live in a world where Santa can't deliver presents. I DO NOT want to live in a world where a man dressed as a big purple dinosaur can't tell random children that he loves them."



"Mr. Beazley, are you comparing yourself to Santa, Jesus and Barney?"



Eli shakes his head dramatically. "No, no, no... I am saying that my act of kindness dwarfs the acts of Jesus, Santa and Barney. Jesus might heal the sick and hang out with the hobos but let's see him be nice to that DOUCHE CANOE over there!"



Eli dramatically points at Fake Jason Ryan as the crowd gasps as if he just revealed who actually murdered Mrs. Morris. Judge Manila slams her gavel down and calls for order in the court.



"Mr. Beazley your point is taken. Do you feel like you have crossed the line into what Mr. Stevenson referred to as 'stalking'?



Eli shakes his head emphatically. "Absolutely not. Sure I sent him a gift card and a bouquet of delicious fruit. And I did send him a signed piece of my wrestling gear. But that is hardly stalking. Believe me, I know a thing or two about stalkers. This guy, Bernard, has been following me all over the country for years! I just can't shake him."



"I'm your agent." A man whom we presume is Bernard says from the front row.



"Mr. Beazley..." Judge Milian continues. "Mr. Stevenson and Mr. Ryan are making the accusation that you assaulted Mr. Ryan. Would you like to comment on those accusations?"



Eli nods his head. "Ma'am, I am a professional wrestler. We are paid to get in the ring and kick some ass. Last time I checked, Jason Ryan and I were in the ring doing our jobs. Did I hit him with a devastating finishing move? Sure. But if that is assault then I have 'assaulted' thousands of people in my career! It not assault... I was doing my job."



Judge Milian lets silence hang in the court for several seconds.



"Alright. I've heard from Mr. Beazley. I think it is a fair point that Mr. Beazley was doing his job. Mr. Ryan isn't physical combat in the job description of a professional wrestler?"



The question was addressed to Jason but the fake Ira jumps in. He is speaking in a clearly exaggerated nasally voice.



"Your Honor, Eli Beazley was not my client's opponent on the evening in question. They were partners. There should have been NO physical contact between them. What Mr. Beazley did was clearly an assault."



The judge nods. "Mr. Stevenson I am having a hard time seeing this as an assault. They are professional wrestlers. They fight for a living. I'm sensing that this might be more about Jason Ryan's bruised ego than his bruised body."



"OH SNAP! Get him your honor!" Eli shouts out.



"You're honor. I assure you. That punk couldn't didn't leave a bruise on this pristine, godlike body." Fake Jason butts in. "Like this nobody could even hurt Jason Ryan. Please, It didn't even hurt..."



Fake Jason Ryan pretends to realize his mistake as the words escape his lips. Judge Milian catches it quickly and cuts in.



"So you weren't hurt? No bruises? I am sorry Mr. Ryan I just don't see any evidence of an assault.



"OH, THAT IS BULLSHIT!" Screams fake Ira Stevenson. "MY CLIENT WAS ASSAULTED AND BATTERIED! WE WILL BE TAKING THIS TO THE SUPREME COURT! GET READY FOR A FIGHT! WE HAVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I SUED MY OWN MOTHER ONCE!!! I WILL SU...."



Fake Ira Stevenson's voice trails off as he is dragged out of the courtroom by two bailiffs.



"Mr. Beazley I am ruling in your favor. You will be awarded... Is this real?... You're requesting to be paid in Cher CD's? You would like 100 copies of Cher's Greatest Hits?"



"That's right, Your Honor!"



Judge Milian shakes her head. "Alright, Jason Ryan is ordered to pay Eli Beazley's court fees and provide him with 100 copies of Cher's Greatest Hits. Court is adjourned."



Judge Milian slams her gavel down. "All rise..." can be heard as the cameras cut to a smiling Eli Beazley who is running his hands through his hair.



"Gotta love justice, bay-bay!"



Fade to black.