You're all fudged. [3000]
Dec 31, 2019 3:09:30 GMT -5
BonnieBlue, Alpha Creative, and 2 more like this
Post by ned on Dec 31, 2019 3:09:30 GMT -5
Our journey begins with a highlight video of The Raging Dead, spanning the last three months. We see clips of him bringing down the house in Trinity Wrestling, where he became the undefeated Pure Champion. We see clips of him destroying Derrick Vayden and QDT in Action Wrestling, where he was Cruiserweight Champion. We see clips of him dominating a Wild Card Rumble in Fans Wrestling Federation, where he will one day be World Champion. Lastly… we see an Alpha Pro Wrestling logo… and then The Raging Dead bursts through it snarls at the camera… indicating his emergence in APW for the Royal Rumble at the first episode Monday Night Metal in 2020. The highlight package fades to black… and the camera pans back from the computer to reveal a man with his hand on the mouse. His name is Erik Dean… and he's a documentarian working on an independent film about Nathan Gust, the man portraying the character known as The Raging Dead.
Erik: I think it turned out okay, for a sixty second package. You're sure this is all you need?
Nathan: It gives APW enough of a preview of what's coming to Monday Night Metal. Job well done, man.
Erik: What possessed you to sign up for their Royal Rumble anyway?
Nathan: I've got nothing going on that day… and I've already been in two rumbles this month… so… ehhhh…
Erik: I figured you'd be in Orlando at Action Wrestling.
Nathan: I'm not booked.
Erik: What?! You ended the 119 day reign of Vayden. You then beat Vayden aaaaand QDT. Then you tore up Cruiserweight Havoc before it took half a dozen people to gang up and eliminate you. And then… you're just not booked?
Nathan: The roster is splitting… and there's speculation about what roster I'll end up on. Of course I've been feeding the flames on all of it. I could stay a big fish in a small pond… or I could be a small fish in a biiiiig pond.
Erik: Between you and me… which roster are you choosing?
Nathan: Tune in on Monday to find out… but also watch me earn a shot at the APW World Championship. You're good at multitasking.
Erik: And you're not. How are you going to shoot on twenty nine people without rambling on about nothing?
Nathan: I only have to worry about twenty people… because there are going to be surprise entrants.
Erik: That's going to be exhausting. Good thing I have my tripod set up in the studio. You gonna do this with or without face paint?
Nathan: Without. My good stuff is at home. Can you make the video black and white before submitting it to Alpha Pro Wrestling?
Erik: Yeah, man. I'll put the spooky sounds in the background as usual, too. Wanna record now?
Nathan: Sure. Give me a couple minutes to get these names down… and I'll meet you in the studio.
Nathan walks away, looking down at the list of opponents on his cell phone. He wanders over to the wrestling ring, dead center of the Controversial Circle Wrestling Academy and Ice Cream Emporium… commonly known as CCWA & ICE. This is where he has trained some of the best wrestlers on the planet, in his hometown of Ozone Park, New York. Once he is familiar with the list of names… he walks to the promo studio where Erik is ready to begin. When the red light comes on, he instantly flips a switch in his brain that triggers The Raging Dead.
"This is my one and only chance at making a good first impression in Alpha Pro Wrestling… and I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you all… that I am your next World Champion. Once I dispose of the half eaten corpses next Monday in Albuquerque… I will be on my way to ripping Smith Jones' arms off at 2020 Ways to Die… and beating him with them… until I am declared victorious via ref stoppage. This is not a threat or even a promise. This is a declaration of intent… that I solemnly swear to uphold. And it all… starts… at Monday Night Metal. On that night… I am one of thirty combatants with the same objective in mind: win. Little do they realize that I have an alternate objective that often overtakes my prime objective: eat."
"I came to APW to be World Champion… duh… but I also came to feast on up to twenty nine delicious human beings, depending on my entrance number in the Royal Rumble. My insatiable feast was not sustained at Action Wrestling Cruiserweight Havoc… so here I am… in all my raging glory. My first step toward the top of APW is to tell you all… in explicit detail… what I think about every one of my victims next week. Over the next week… you'll hear from many of them as they do their silly research using Wikipedia… or YouTube… or whatever other fancy tool available to dig up dirt on the competitors in this match. I don't need to do any of that. Having spent nearly three decades in this business… there's nothing I need to verbally demolish these fools."
"First up is the tiny morsel of an appetizer… Ashley Derringer. Standing at only four-foot-five… she is by far the smallest snack in this Royal Rumble. I'm sure all of her friends back at Baymont High will be cheering her on… but their devotion to her will be for naught. Once she stands before the undead creature you see today… she will realize in an instant that she has bitten off more than she can chew. And then… I will bite off less than will fill me up."
"Speaking of biting… Zombie McMorris is also in this match. Yes, a man named Zombie… of the McMorris clan. We all know about him and that turd burglar Crow… but what about the rest of the scumbags he calls kin? Nobody wants to talk about Tito, Jermaine, Jackie or Marlon. Once Zombie went solo… nobody gave a daaaaamn about those other four clowns. What were their names again? Oh nevermind. What's truly important is that I am going to beat The Immortal American as easy as ABC… 123… baby you and me, girl."
"Flop is from another dimension.
You think you know but you don't.
He is all-knowing and all-powerful.
Flop already won this match before it was a match.
Why are Flop so good?
What bring to life this Flop?
We cannot judge what we can't create.
If not now, then where?
I was making my way downtown,
Playing piano on the flatbed of a truck.
Along came Flop and the credits rolled.
Trapson had turned into a werewolf.
And I was out seven dollars and four cents.
But Flop, oh Flop, where art Flop?
For he is the east and the west and the
Entire cast of 90210, past and present.
Good night, moon."
"If there's one person I'm absolutely not a fan of in this match… it's definitely Diakos. Who does she think she is walking up in here like it's Showtime at the Apollo Creed? I eat pieces of shit like her for breakfast… and I always wash them down with the tears of my victims' loved ones. Diakos, who will mourn you? I require contact information so I can make the necessary preparations to collect their tears to quench my insatiable thirst. If you can shoot me an email with all the info… that'd be great. AnGrYdEaDbOi@hotmale.com."
"Voshon Jackson begs people constantly to call him The Ghost… and that's just stupid. Everybody with half a brain knows that ghosts aren't even real. So either Voshon is an idiot… or he really IS a ghost… at which point he isn't real… so his entrance in the Royal Rumble is pointless. Ghosts have zero percent chance of winning any match because they are non-corporeal. So… if Voshon really is a ghost… and ghosts aren't real… then I have nothing to fear… except fear itself… but I'm fearless… so… uhh…"
"TROLL?! TROLL is in this match?! Jesus Herbert Christ! I haven't seen TROLL since I was maybe seven or eight years old. It was 4th of July and I remember the date because I strapped TROLL to an M80 that my deranged WW2 vet neighbor gave me… and I blew TROLL the ffffuuuuuudge up. His cute tummy with the stone in it… boom. His neon green pointy hair… boom. His big, dopey smile… boom. I never thought I'd see him again… but now… somehow… someway… we are reunited. Thanks for this miracle, Alpha Pro Wrestling. Now I get to blow TROLL the ffffuuuuuudge up all over again."
"Uuuuugggghh. Who let Giovanni Salbrini out of the Milwaukee County Zoo and back into a pro wrestling ring? That sloppy ape has no business drawing numbers with humans to determine placement in the Royal Rumble at Monday Night Metal. Big Nasty? More like Big Tasty. I'm going to have enough leftovers once I'm done with him that I'll have to buy more Tuperware. You can never have too much Tuperware, you know. I recently cleared some freezer space in my garage, so there's enough room for Giovanni to chill out after I eliminate him from the Royal Rumble… and from life."
"Anyone remember when Alfredo P. Gore claimed that he invented the internet? We all knew he was a big fat phony… but nobody ever took the time to praise the brilliance of Zion Simmons, the DotCom Mogul. If it wasn't for him… we wouldn't have internet porn… or whatever else the internet is used for. The man is a real hero… and it will be my honor and privilege to end his aspirations of becoming APW World Champion. Once I'm done picking his bones… I'll toss the scraps to DotOrg, DotNet, DotBiz… and their cheap ass cousin DotXYZ."
"Jaice Wilds? That's a name I've not heard since……………………. nope. I've got nothing. I'm sure Jaice is a lovely man or woman or whatever. I'm sure they have plenty of family and friends to make proud by competing in the Royal Rumble next week… and that's awesome. They'll all be sorely disappointed when I toss Jaice over the top rope with my mind, putting me one second closer to being the next APW World Champion. Bye bye, Jaice. Best of luck at cosmetology school."
"If I hadn't already been to the future to see me declared the winner of the Royal Rumble… then my money would have undoubtedly been on Jobber Dave. Behind the hefty serving of humble pie he serves up to complete strangers… is a former seventy-three time World's Heavyweight Champion. Those reigns were split up amongst seventy-three different companies. The guy has been undefeated since Jimmy Carter was in office. But, hey, I'm going to win this match… and he won't. Duh."
"When I heard Alex Scott was in the match… I didn't believe it. I was a big fan of his when he did Back to the Future movies. It was a damn shame that he's been battling Parkinson's for years now… but it's commendable that he's still doing great work. Oh, wait. That's Michael J. Fox. Well, then who then who the fudge is Alex Scott? I'm sure he's just another helping in this all you can eat buffet. I have to remember to grab a clean plate each time. They frown upon reusing plates for some reason."
"Ladies and gentlemen… boys and girls… children of all ages… Alpha Pro Wrestling unfortunately brings to you… ugh… Road Dawg. I tried to hype him up… but I can't. He's the drizzling spits. Hopefully before Monday Night Metal… he gets struck by lightning while peeing on a fire hydrant. That'd be more pleasant than dealing with that awful aroma that lingers in his presence. If he does make it to Albuquerque… I'll make sure to punt him into the crowd as soon as inhumanely possible."
"With a name like Ultimate Destroyer… one would presume that he stands a chance at winning the Royal Rumble… buuuut… nope. The guy is soft…. fluffy… cuddly… warm… inviting… adorable. He's less than a week away from maybe sharing the ring with the undesirable, uninvited, unconventional, unbelievable, undeniable, unstoppable, undefeated, undead monstrosity you see before you now."
"Steven Osbourne won't be winning the Royal Rumble at Monday Night Metal… duh. But he does win an award for having the coolest moniker in the match: The Super-Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. I don't know what it means… but if I wore a hat, I would tip it to you, good sir. Then I would make eat said hat and throw ya right over the top rope where you belong. This match is mine. Beware the Raging Dead."
"Noble Savage is an oxymoron and a regular moron. How dare he enter this Royal Rumble knowing full well that The Raging Dead is coming to town. Noble is one of my least favorites in this match, because I hate books. He's darn lucky that his buddy Barnes didn't know about this match or I would be putting them both out of business faster than they could say Alexa!"
"John Blade is in this match… but not really IN this match. Ya dig? Check this out, player. John Blade… is a guy. He's probably got ten fingers and maybe even ten toes. He signed up to compete in a match he absolutely cannot win as long as The Raging Dead is signed up to compete. Alpha Pro Wrestling should have really warned folks that I was in this… or at least given them a clear way out before the match even begins"
“What is there to say about Jazzy John McCarty that hasn't already been said? The guy is practically a saint. He has spent the last decade or so traveling the world, helping all those third world babies that Sarah McLachlan makes us cry about. Now he's here in APW… a step away from a step away from being World Champion. Rest assured, third world orphans who surely won't see this video. I will be sending Jazzy John McCarty back to your decrepit nations soon enough."
"Oh damn. Frank Patrick Venable is in this match? I can hear the fans now. FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV!”
"Former Trinity Wrestling World Champion Lex Collins is in this match. That's cool. I was Trinity Wrestling Pure Champion until the company was sold to Action Wrestling. I never lost that title… and he lost his a little over a month into his reign. Our history will repeat itself in APW when I am victorious on Monday… and the world forgets you even participated. Byeeeeeeeee."
"The final announced participant of this Royal Rumble is none other than Lazer Blazer, son of Chevy Blazer. Blazer made a name for himself on South American Gladiator, where every week… he fought one step closer to being the proud owner of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course he walked away hungry… because he's a dummy… and a bona fide loser. His streak continues on Monday when I beat him so bad that he'll wish I hadn't beat him."
"And to the nine surprise entrants… whomever you may be… I have a simple message. Fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, you're cool, fudge you. I'm out."
With that, he snarls at the camera and moves out of the shot. The red light goes off and Erik steps away from the camera, mesmerized by what just happened.
Nathan: What's wrong? Was that too long? It's hard to pace myself when I have to shoot on twenty-nine people.
Erik: It wasn't too long. It's just that it… was…
There is a long, awkward pause as if Erik's brain is restarting.
Nathan: Come on, Erik. You can tell me. I am open to critique.
Erik: I mean… where the fuck should I really even start?
Nathan: Good? Bad? Ugly?
Erik sighs and walks out of the promo room, and Nathan follows… hoping to get constructive criticism from his oldest friend.
Das ende.
Erik: I think it turned out okay, for a sixty second package. You're sure this is all you need?
Nathan: It gives APW enough of a preview of what's coming to Monday Night Metal. Job well done, man.
Erik: What possessed you to sign up for their Royal Rumble anyway?
Nathan: I've got nothing going on that day… and I've already been in two rumbles this month… so… ehhhh…
Erik: I figured you'd be in Orlando at Action Wrestling.
Nathan: I'm not booked.
Erik: What?! You ended the 119 day reign of Vayden. You then beat Vayden aaaaand QDT. Then you tore up Cruiserweight Havoc before it took half a dozen people to gang up and eliminate you. And then… you're just not booked?
Nathan: The roster is splitting… and there's speculation about what roster I'll end up on. Of course I've been feeding the flames on all of it. I could stay a big fish in a small pond… or I could be a small fish in a biiiiig pond.
Erik: Between you and me… which roster are you choosing?
Nathan: Tune in on Monday to find out… but also watch me earn a shot at the APW World Championship. You're good at multitasking.
Erik: And you're not. How are you going to shoot on twenty nine people without rambling on about nothing?
Nathan: I only have to worry about twenty people… because there are going to be surprise entrants.
Erik: That's going to be exhausting. Good thing I have my tripod set up in the studio. You gonna do this with or without face paint?
Nathan: Without. My good stuff is at home. Can you make the video black and white before submitting it to Alpha Pro Wrestling?
Erik: Yeah, man. I'll put the spooky sounds in the background as usual, too. Wanna record now?
Nathan: Sure. Give me a couple minutes to get these names down… and I'll meet you in the studio.
Nathan walks away, looking down at the list of opponents on his cell phone. He wanders over to the wrestling ring, dead center of the Controversial Circle Wrestling Academy and Ice Cream Emporium… commonly known as CCWA & ICE. This is where he has trained some of the best wrestlers on the planet, in his hometown of Ozone Park, New York. Once he is familiar with the list of names… he walks to the promo studio where Erik is ready to begin. When the red light comes on, he instantly flips a switch in his brain that triggers The Raging Dead.
"This is my one and only chance at making a good first impression in Alpha Pro Wrestling… and I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you all… that I am your next World Champion. Once I dispose of the half eaten corpses next Monday in Albuquerque… I will be on my way to ripping Smith Jones' arms off at 2020 Ways to Die… and beating him with them… until I am declared victorious via ref stoppage. This is not a threat or even a promise. This is a declaration of intent… that I solemnly swear to uphold. And it all… starts… at Monday Night Metal. On that night… I am one of thirty combatants with the same objective in mind: win. Little do they realize that I have an alternate objective that often overtakes my prime objective: eat."
"I came to APW to be World Champion… duh… but I also came to feast on up to twenty nine delicious human beings, depending on my entrance number in the Royal Rumble. My insatiable feast was not sustained at Action Wrestling Cruiserweight Havoc… so here I am… in all my raging glory. My first step toward the top of APW is to tell you all… in explicit detail… what I think about every one of my victims next week. Over the next week… you'll hear from many of them as they do their silly research using Wikipedia… or YouTube… or whatever other fancy tool available to dig up dirt on the competitors in this match. I don't need to do any of that. Having spent nearly three decades in this business… there's nothing I need to verbally demolish these fools."
"First up is the tiny morsel of an appetizer… Ashley Derringer. Standing at only four-foot-five… she is by far the smallest snack in this Royal Rumble. I'm sure all of her friends back at Baymont High will be cheering her on… but their devotion to her will be for naught. Once she stands before the undead creature you see today… she will realize in an instant that she has bitten off more than she can chew. And then… I will bite off less than will fill me up."
"Speaking of biting… Zombie McMorris is also in this match. Yes, a man named Zombie… of the McMorris clan. We all know about him and that turd burglar Crow… but what about the rest of the scumbags he calls kin? Nobody wants to talk about Tito, Jermaine, Jackie or Marlon. Once Zombie went solo… nobody gave a daaaaamn about those other four clowns. What were their names again? Oh nevermind. What's truly important is that I am going to beat The Immortal American as easy as ABC… 123… baby you and me, girl."
"Flop is from another dimension.
You think you know but you don't.
He is all-knowing and all-powerful.
Flop already won this match before it was a match.
Why are Flop so good?
What bring to life this Flop?
We cannot judge what we can't create.
If not now, then where?
I was making my way downtown,
Playing piano on the flatbed of a truck.
Along came Flop and the credits rolled.
Trapson had turned into a werewolf.
And I was out seven dollars and four cents.
But Flop, oh Flop, where art Flop?
For he is the east and the west and the
Entire cast of 90210, past and present.
Good night, moon."
"If there's one person I'm absolutely not a fan of in this match… it's definitely Diakos. Who does she think she is walking up in here like it's Showtime at the Apollo Creed? I eat pieces of shit like her for breakfast… and I always wash them down with the tears of my victims' loved ones. Diakos, who will mourn you? I require contact information so I can make the necessary preparations to collect their tears to quench my insatiable thirst. If you can shoot me an email with all the info… that'd be great. AnGrYdEaDbOi@hotmale.com."
"Voshon Jackson begs people constantly to call him The Ghost… and that's just stupid. Everybody with half a brain knows that ghosts aren't even real. So either Voshon is an idiot… or he really IS a ghost… at which point he isn't real… so his entrance in the Royal Rumble is pointless. Ghosts have zero percent chance of winning any match because they are non-corporeal. So… if Voshon really is a ghost… and ghosts aren't real… then I have nothing to fear… except fear itself… but I'm fearless… so… uhh…"
"TROLL?! TROLL is in this match?! Jesus Herbert Christ! I haven't seen TROLL since I was maybe seven or eight years old. It was 4th of July and I remember the date because I strapped TROLL to an M80 that my deranged WW2 vet neighbor gave me… and I blew TROLL the ffffuuuuuudge up. His cute tummy with the stone in it… boom. His neon green pointy hair… boom. His big, dopey smile… boom. I never thought I'd see him again… but now… somehow… someway… we are reunited. Thanks for this miracle, Alpha Pro Wrestling. Now I get to blow TROLL the ffffuuuuuudge up all over again."
"Uuuuugggghh. Who let Giovanni Salbrini out of the Milwaukee County Zoo and back into a pro wrestling ring? That sloppy ape has no business drawing numbers with humans to determine placement in the Royal Rumble at Monday Night Metal. Big Nasty? More like Big Tasty. I'm going to have enough leftovers once I'm done with him that I'll have to buy more Tuperware. You can never have too much Tuperware, you know. I recently cleared some freezer space in my garage, so there's enough room for Giovanni to chill out after I eliminate him from the Royal Rumble… and from life."
"Anyone remember when Alfredo P. Gore claimed that he invented the internet? We all knew he was a big fat phony… but nobody ever took the time to praise the brilliance of Zion Simmons, the DotCom Mogul. If it wasn't for him… we wouldn't have internet porn… or whatever else the internet is used for. The man is a real hero… and it will be my honor and privilege to end his aspirations of becoming APW World Champion. Once I'm done picking his bones… I'll toss the scraps to DotOrg, DotNet, DotBiz… and their cheap ass cousin DotXYZ."
"Jaice Wilds? That's a name I've not heard since……………………. nope. I've got nothing. I'm sure Jaice is a lovely man or woman or whatever. I'm sure they have plenty of family and friends to make proud by competing in the Royal Rumble next week… and that's awesome. They'll all be sorely disappointed when I toss Jaice over the top rope with my mind, putting me one second closer to being the next APW World Champion. Bye bye, Jaice. Best of luck at cosmetology school."
"If I hadn't already been to the future to see me declared the winner of the Royal Rumble… then my money would have undoubtedly been on Jobber Dave. Behind the hefty serving of humble pie he serves up to complete strangers… is a former seventy-three time World's Heavyweight Champion. Those reigns were split up amongst seventy-three different companies. The guy has been undefeated since Jimmy Carter was in office. But, hey, I'm going to win this match… and he won't. Duh."
"When I heard Alex Scott was in the match… I didn't believe it. I was a big fan of his when he did Back to the Future movies. It was a damn shame that he's been battling Parkinson's for years now… but it's commendable that he's still doing great work. Oh, wait. That's Michael J. Fox. Well, then who then who the fudge is Alex Scott? I'm sure he's just another helping in this all you can eat buffet. I have to remember to grab a clean plate each time. They frown upon reusing plates for some reason."
"Ladies and gentlemen… boys and girls… children of all ages… Alpha Pro Wrestling unfortunately brings to you… ugh… Road Dawg. I tried to hype him up… but I can't. He's the drizzling spits. Hopefully before Monday Night Metal… he gets struck by lightning while peeing on a fire hydrant. That'd be more pleasant than dealing with that awful aroma that lingers in his presence. If he does make it to Albuquerque… I'll make sure to punt him into the crowd as soon as inhumanely possible."
"With a name like Ultimate Destroyer… one would presume that he stands a chance at winning the Royal Rumble… buuuut… nope. The guy is soft…. fluffy… cuddly… warm… inviting… adorable. He's less than a week away from maybe sharing the ring with the undesirable, uninvited, unconventional, unbelievable, undeniable, unstoppable, undefeated, undead monstrosity you see before you now."
"Steven Osbourne won't be winning the Royal Rumble at Monday Night Metal… duh. But he does win an award for having the coolest moniker in the match: The Super-Sexy Boogeyman Slayer. I don't know what it means… but if I wore a hat, I would tip it to you, good sir. Then I would make eat said hat and throw ya right over the top rope where you belong. This match is mine. Beware the Raging Dead."
"Noble Savage is an oxymoron and a regular moron. How dare he enter this Royal Rumble knowing full well that The Raging Dead is coming to town. Noble is one of my least favorites in this match, because I hate books. He's darn lucky that his buddy Barnes didn't know about this match or I would be putting them both out of business faster than they could say Alexa!"
"John Blade is in this match… but not really IN this match. Ya dig? Check this out, player. John Blade… is a guy. He's probably got ten fingers and maybe even ten toes. He signed up to compete in a match he absolutely cannot win as long as The Raging Dead is signed up to compete. Alpha Pro Wrestling should have really warned folks that I was in this… or at least given them a clear way out before the match even begins"
“What is there to say about Jazzy John McCarty that hasn't already been said? The guy is practically a saint. He has spent the last decade or so traveling the world, helping all those third world babies that Sarah McLachlan makes us cry about. Now he's here in APW… a step away from a step away from being World Champion. Rest assured, third world orphans who surely won't see this video. I will be sending Jazzy John McCarty back to your decrepit nations soon enough."
"Oh damn. Frank Patrick Venable is in this match? I can hear the fans now. FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV! FPV!”
"Former Trinity Wrestling World Champion Lex Collins is in this match. That's cool. I was Trinity Wrestling Pure Champion until the company was sold to Action Wrestling. I never lost that title… and he lost his a little over a month into his reign. Our history will repeat itself in APW when I am victorious on Monday… and the world forgets you even participated. Byeeeeeeeee."
"The final announced participant of this Royal Rumble is none other than Lazer Blazer, son of Chevy Blazer. Blazer made a name for himself on South American Gladiator, where every week… he fought one step closer to being the proud owner of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course he walked away hungry… because he's a dummy… and a bona fide loser. His streak continues on Monday when I beat him so bad that he'll wish I hadn't beat him."
"And to the nine surprise entrants… whomever you may be… I have a simple message. Fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, fudge you, you're cool, fudge you. I'm out."
With that, he snarls at the camera and moves out of the shot. The red light goes off and Erik steps away from the camera, mesmerized by what just happened.
Nathan: What's wrong? Was that too long? It's hard to pace myself when I have to shoot on twenty-nine people.
Erik: It wasn't too long. It's just that it… was…
There is a long, awkward pause as if Erik's brain is restarting.
Nathan: Come on, Erik. You can tell me. I am open to critique.
Erik: I mean… where the fuck should I really even start?
Nathan: Good? Bad? Ugly?
Erik sighs and walks out of the promo room, and Nathan follows… hoping to get constructive criticism from his oldest friend.
Das ende.
