The Full Zombie Experience

You wouldn't expect to see Steven Osbourne and Veronica Anderson out in the middle of the swamp here we are. Steven decides to make the best of things.



Osbourne: Hey Ronnie.. can I Crocodile Do- you?



Anderson: Urg.. no! That is the worst pick up line I ever heard!



Osbourne: It's a play on Crocodile Dundee.



Anderson: It doesn't even make sense! There are alligators in the swamp.. not crocodiles!



Osbourne: Same diff! Besides.. I thought I made it clear that's I only came for swamp sex?



Anderson: No.. we discussed this.. that's not why we're here at all!



Osbourne: You mentioned sex.. I tuned the rest out.



Anderson: I didn't mention sex! You mentioned sex!



Osbourne: I knew somebody did!



Anderson: Not the point! I swear to God.. I'm gonna feed you to one of these gators if you don't start listening! I brought you out here to prepare for your match against Zombie McMorris.



Osbourne: That's all you're worried about? Don't sweat it Ronnie.. he's not even a real zombie!



Anderson: He is a REAL zombie! You would know this if you paid attention to.. literally any of his history!



Osbourne: I'm just saying that to wind him up.



Anderson: And you think winding up a coked up zombie is a good mood. This is why I'm worried.



Osbourne: Dude.. relax. He got his hand cut off by Auron Vega once. Not only did Z not get pay back for that Vega took his cruiserweight title from him.. and he responded by leaving the cruiserweight division. Z's a pussycat.



Anderson: This is exactly what I was afraid of. I saw what happened to you last week after you refused to take your opponent seriously.



Osbourne: He calls himself the Dot Com Mogul. I stand by my decision.



Anderson: Well you looked like a jackass when you lost to the Dot Com Mogul! I don't mind you looking a jackass. I really couldn't care less. But this week if you don't take the match seriously you will not only look like a jackass but you'll lose the North American Championship. This I do care about. If you lose the championship that means you will no longer make main event money. That I also don't care about. Except that it also means I won't get a cut of your main event money.



Osbourne: So.. you're a gold digger?



Anderson: I prefer the term money motivated. But you know I only manage you for the money.



Osbourne: While we're being honest.. I only let you manage me so I can check out your rack. It looks awesome today by the way.



Anderson: See! This is not productive! This is why I had to get professional help for you this week.



Osbourne: You got me a hooker?



Anderson: Get your own hookers!



Osbourne: Okay.. I will.



Anderson: You have to win first.. to afford that escort. That's why we're here. I reached out to a man who knows Zombie McMorris very well.



Out from the bush comes.. Alex Richards drinking a boot full of Zim-Quila and carrying his doctor's bag. Alex turns to Osbourne.



Richards: Z Mac always says they all float. I'm here to make sure you give Z a pair of cement shoes and sink his ass instead. Any questions?



Osbourne: Is Bonnie Blue as good in the sack as she looks?



Richards: The fuck is wrong with you boy? Why would I know the answer to that?



Osbourne: You at least see her naked in the shower?



Richards: The only reason I haven't ended up yet is because I hate Z Mac more. Do you have any non stupid questions?



Osbourne: Those weren't stupid questions. After I destroy Z Mac that's gonna leave Bonnie's clone Ruby Red single. I just wanted to know what I was in for with a night in Rudy.



Richards: You do know that she's part zombie too, right?



Osbourne: Does that mean she lasts longer in the sack?



Alex doesn't respond he just whistles. A rotting skinned man holding his hands on in front of him shambles towards Osbourne.



BRAAAINS! BRAAAAINS!



Steven looks confused. The man grabs his arm.. bites him.



Osbourne: What the fuck!



Steven quickly eliminates the competition kicking the corpse in between the legs sending it down hard.



NOT COOOL!



Osbourne: I told you it was easy to beat zombies.



Richards: Except for the fact that he bit you and you're infected now. Except that wasn't really a zombie.. Just a cosplayer.



Osbourne: I knew that.



Richards: Z Mac is a real zombie. You let that guy get the drop on you.. no harm because he's not a real threat. Z Mac is a real threat. Like these guys..



Four more much more real looking zombies start shambling their way through the swamp.



Osbourne: What the fuck?



Richards: You're facing Z-Mac in a wrestling match.



Osbourne: Yeah.. but these guys.. it's not a wrestling match.



Richards: I'm not worried.



Osbourne: Because you're crazy!



Richards: Well yeah. But I'm also prepared.



And with that Alex reaches into his doctor's bag pulling out.. a machete!



Osbourne: How did you even fit that in there?



Alex doesn't respond instead he quickly beheads and dispatches the zombies.



Richards: Bonnie and I dispatched Zombie on the night he won the world title. We not only took the UCI tag team championships from him.. we broke his damn arm too. We planned to face Z-Mac though.. we were ready for him. The question is.. are you Steven? When I beat Z Mac I had size and strength over him. What do you have over him?



Steven grins grimly.



Osbourne: Z Mac doesn't respect me.



Anderson: You don't respect him either!



Steven grins again.



Osbourne: I was just winding you up Ronnie. Z Mac has held titles everywhere he's gone. He won multiple titles in WCF.. he was freaking internet champion of the year.. twice.



Richards: Tied with me!



Osbourne: Not the point. But the fact is.. things have been different here. Z Mac has still been good. Real good. But not quite as good as he used to be. Z Mac almost beat Smith Jones for the world title. He almost beat Zion Simmons in the finals of the world title tournament. Almost.. but not quite. You know what's wrong with Zombie? He hasn't been spending the time preparing like he used to. He's just thinking.. I'm Zombie McMorris.. that's good enough. Well it's not good enough! It's like what you.. Alex and you Ronnie forgot about. Yeah.. he's the immortal Zombie McMorris.. but I'm Steven freaking Osbourne! The triple threat! I won three titles. Not in my career.. but right here in the APW! Zombie's career might be dying a slow death but mine is just coming to life! Like my Big Stevie.



Anderson: Gross.



Osbourne: Zombie thinks he's going to beat me. Just like he thought he was going to be world champion. Just like he thought he was gonna get a re match for the world title. You know why he didn't win those matches? Because he overlooked the competition! Just like he has been doing with me all month long! He earned this shot at the North American Title by beating The Ghost? Big freaking deal! I ghost people all the time.. where's my prize?



Steven scoffs.



Osbourne: What did I do you might ask? I took Spartan's title and his will from him! He hasn't been the same since the beating I gave him last month! You would think that would get me some respect wouldn't you? But apparently not! You guys are all worried about me losing to Zombie. How can you possibly be worried about me losing to someone so fucking stupid? Before his match with Ghost he thought it was some sort of foregone conclusion that Spartan was going to win.



Richards: In all fairness he was the favourite.



Osbourne: And I fought my ass off to make sure that didn't happen! Nobody thought I could win a hardcore match. But I proved all of them wrong! But that's not even the worst part. Evidently Z Mac didn't even bother watching the match with Spartan. Why else would a few weeks ago he would be scheduled to face Spartan and talk about how it was a non title match? He lost the damn title to me and Z was too stupid to even know it!



Anderson: Holy shit.. you.. actually.. had a plan?



Osbourne: Damn right I did Ronnie! And it was a good one too. First step.. cost Zion that tag team match we were in a few weeks ago. Second step.. deliberately toss the match to Zion the week before the pay per view.



Anderson: Apparently it was a stupid plan.



Richards: Definately a stupid plan.



Osbourne: No.. it's a brilliant one! You see.. my title wasn't on the line in either of those matches. I had nothing to gain and nothing to lose in either of them. But I could continue flying under the radar... allowing Z Mac to underestimate me going into the title match. Just like he always does. What’s a couple of losses in random non title matches to ensure my victory in the important match? The title match. Z Mac is just a zombie. They aren’t known for their intelligence. I’m a thinking man’s wrestler. I have not one.. but two hot women in my corner.



Anderson: I’m not a piece of meat you know!



Osbourne: Zombie has.... Buddy Roman. I rest my case! So now here we are. I'm ready to face a zombie. Z Mac might not even know I'm the champion as of now. There's a very real chance he walks to the ring.. sees me and goes.. who the fuck is that? Well I'm the guy who actually won a title around here. I'm the guy who isn't planning on losing his title anytime soon.



Anderson: You already lost two titles.



Osbourne: Exactly! I'm sick of losing titles! Whenever I lose a title that means I have to go out and win another one! That's valuable time I could be macking on ladies that's lost to chasing championships instead of broads!



Richards: That's smart for Osbourne.



Anderson: He did use the term broads in front of a lady though.



Osbourne: Yeah but you've not giving me any. Or are you?



Veronica shakes her head.



Osbourne: As long as I hold this North American Championship that gives me license to pick up chicks all over North America.



Anderson: Not really..



Osbourne: What would Z Mac do if he was North American champion? Probably nothing! He'd probably change it to the North Dankmerica title or something. As if using the word Dank gives him street cred or something. He's got Dank.. LOL *******... and that Transformer guy memes. What else? Oh yeah.. wasn't he the guy who got his ass beaten almost to the point of no return by Beau Blaze of all people? I may not know what Dank is.. but it's certainly not that! Z-Mac may be a zombie but he's the kind of zombie who envies Charlie Sheen... and that guy is dying of AIDS!



Richards: Too far dude!



Osbourne: Nope.. not far enough! Because while Charlie.. and all of us for that matter.. will someday die Zombie will remain.. a pathetic blight on the planet. When the world ends it will just be the cockroaches.. and Z Mac.. and the cockroaches will kill themselves to get away from him! But I'm going to make sure that even though he's gonna outlive me he will not be remembered as APW North American Champion. I'm going to beat him to the point that he not only knows who I am.. but that he knows enough to never come at me again.



Osbourne: Zombie McMorris used to have a reputation as a big match wrestler. Now in APW I’m stealing that reputation from him. The bigger the name. The more accomplished the wrestler is. The more likely I am to pull off the victory. The better my opponent is.. the better I know I have to be in order to win. See.. what’s going to doom Zombie is that I respect his talent level. He doesn’t respect mine. He doesn’t think I can beat him. He doesn’t think I can hurt him. He should know better. He will at the end of Omega. Zombie loses to people that he’s better then all the time because he underestimates them. This time he’s underestimating a man who also happens to be a better wrestler then him. You know what that means? He’s super boned!



Richards: Umm.. Steven.



Osbourne: Not now.. I'm on a roll! I saw that UCI tag title match and I know for a fact that Bonnie Blue was really the one who broke McMorris' arm. I'm going to top that by breaking his back and forcing him to suck his own d..



Anderson: Steven! Run!



Osbourne: What?



Alex physically turns Steven around.. as a zombie alligator moves towards them.



Osbourne: Was that part of your training session?



Richards: No.. apparently the zombies bit an alligator.



Anderson: Ohmygod! Ohmygod!



Alex grabs Veronica pulling her away from the swamp as the zombie gator approaches... Steven springs into action.. dropkicking a fallen.. rotten log. It rolls.. rolls.. rolls.. crushing the zombie gator.



Richards: Huh. Looks like you didn't even any help with zombies at all.



Osbourne: That's what I've been trying to tell everyone the whole time!



Anderson: So.. this whole trip was pointless.



Richards: We got to kill a lot of zombies.



Osbourne: And I totally saved you Ronnie. Am I your hero now?



Anderson: I'll... think about it.



Osbourne: Bet I can get away with this now though.



Steven leans in.. kisses the stunned Ms. Anderson as the scene fades to black.