Post by Steven Osbourne on Nov 17, 2019 20:43:46 GMT -5
There's a long line in the government offices. But Steven Osbourne is a champion.. and some of an asshole. So he struts his way through the crowd until he gets to the front casually asking to speak to.. the hottest thing you got. A ladies voice is heard saying.. "Not this asshole again". Steven walks right into her office not even bothering to knock. Inside an annoyed looking, attractive but serious short haired brunette stares at Osbourne.
Woman: Hello Steven.
Osbourne: Hello Hot Government Chick.
Woman: Do you even know my name?
Osbourne: Hot |Sarah?
Woman: No.
Osbourne: Hot Britney?
Woman: No.
Osbourne: You're something hot.
The woman rolls her eyes.
Woman: You don't remember me do you?
Osbourne: Maybe if you take your clothes off it'll jog my memory.
Woman: I'm Pamela.
Osbourne: Are you the one with the panda tattoo on your left cheek?
Pamela: At least you remembered something. What hare brained scheme are you here for this time?
Osbourne: I'm Steven Osbourne baby! I'm pure brilliance!
Pamela snorts.
Pamela: Last time you were think you tried to convince me to name your penis the 8th wonder of the world.
Osbourne: I still can't believe you didn't! My penis is amazing! Have you seen it? I know you've seen it!
Pamela: You brought a scale model.
Osbourne: If only you had approved my request I could have sold those scale models! Think of how it would have driven tourism! I have it on good authority... French chicks love my penis!
Pamela: Yeah.. that was a hard no.
Osbourne: Not half as hard as..
Pamela: Stop it!
Osbourne: You dropped the ball on my last idea Pammy but even you aren't going to be able to resist this one! I am the North American champion, correct?
Pamela: That's what that belt you're wearing is.
Steven looks offended.
Osbourne: You mean you didn't watch me totally kick the crap outta Spartan for this belt?
Pamela: I'm messing with you.. of course I did! Everyone watches APW pay per views. Especially when you can view them for free using public tax money. We get all the PPVs here.
Osbourne: Then you know that I earned the right to be champion of all of North America!
Pamela: Kind.. let's assume for the sake of argument I agree with that. What do you want?
Osbourne: Sexville to be recognized as a city!
Pamela: It's not a real place!
Osbourne: It's real to me damnit!
Pamela: That doesn't count.
Osbourne: Sexville is precisely located wherever I am at any moment! Sexville follows me around!
Pamela: That makes no sense! Why would you want somewhere that just follows you around to be considered a city?
Osbourne: So I could be the mayor of Sexville.. duh.
Pamela: Can't you just claim to be the mayor of Sexville?
Osbourne: It's the principle of the matter!
Pamela: You just want to be mayor so you can get gullible women to sleep with you!
Osbourne: Like I said.. it's the principle of the matter! You can't just outright lie about it!
Pamela: If I sleep with you will you just shut up?
Osbourne: You know.. I think this is how it went last time too.
Pamela: You're lucky I remember you were good in the sack.
Osbourne: Did you also remember I never call you the next day?
Pamela: Yeah.. that was a benefit.
Osbourne: On the desk again?
Pamela: I'm certainly not inviting you back to my place and I don't even want to know where you live.
Osbourne: Works for me!
Steven pounces and the scene fades out.
Don't you just hate reruns? You always knows exactly what is going to happen because you've seen it all before. That's what my match this week is like. No suspense at all. I already beat Spartan. I already beat Jobber Dave. So now I'm facing both of them. Does anyone think that's going to change the result?
The first time I faced Jobber Dave he thought the fact that he was a man of the people was going to drive him to victory. He wasn't smart enough to realize I'm also a man of the people! I'm a man of the people who just want to get laid! I'm driven to do anything to get a piece. Jobber Dave isn't really driven to do anything. He's merely content being loved by his public. That means he has no driven. No real will to get himself a victory. That's why for years people called him Jobber Dave and he let them. That's why he was willing to compete in something called a bum fight division. The fact is.. Jobber Dave is content merely existing. I on the other hand am driven to be the best in the world. Because if you want to sleep with the best you gotta be the best! I'm the only man in APW history to ever hold three titles! I'm a triple threat. Jobber Dave has no titles and wears a mask to hide his face. Not good enough. Not nearly good enough! The people want heroes who actually accomplish something! Basically they want the wizard of Oz not the weirdo in a mask who calls himself a jobber!
Then we have Spartan. Who's career has gone in a tailspin since he lost to me. Serves him right too. He underestimated me and got exactly what he deserved! He got destroyed by the most underrated man in wrestling history. Spartan was a hypocrite. He claims he always wants a fight but the first time someone gave him a war he folded. He hasn't been the same since. Spartan is not the warrior he thought he was. I'm a pink suit wear ladies man and I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm a far tougher man then he could ever hope to be! He obsessed over all the damage he thought he could cause to me. Never realizing that I know the truth. Chicks dig scars but glory is forever. Besides all the gold diggers dig the gold so I gotta have me a belt! So I took Spartans. Let's be real.. he was a disappointing champion anyways. I'm much sexier, much more successful.. basically better then Spartan in every way.
Many people have thought I was just a joke. I may make jokes but I have never been one. Ask any star in APW that has stepped into the ring with me. Not a single person can say Steven Osbourne was an easy opponent. Spartan doesn't understand a man like me but that doesn't mean I have no fighting spirit.. no will to win! Spartan was dumb enough to think the only way to win a war is pure brute force. I use my body and my brain. I have twice the weapons Spartan does. A fact that showed during our match. I don't expect Spartan learned from our first encounter. He won't learn from this loss either.
As far as this rerun goes everyone already knows the winner. The only real question in this match is.. am I going to pin Spartan or Jobber Dave? Spoiler alert.. I'm gonna stack em up and pin both at the same time.
Woman: Hello Steven.
Osbourne: Hello Hot Government Chick.
Woman: Do you even know my name?
Osbourne: Hot |Sarah?
Woman: No.
Osbourne: Hot Britney?
Woman: No.
Osbourne: You're something hot.
The woman rolls her eyes.
Woman: You don't remember me do you?
Osbourne: Maybe if you take your clothes off it'll jog my memory.
Woman: I'm Pamela.
Osbourne: Are you the one with the panda tattoo on your left cheek?
Pamela: At least you remembered something. What hare brained scheme are you here for this time?
Osbourne: I'm Steven Osbourne baby! I'm pure brilliance!
Pamela snorts.
Pamela: Last time you were think you tried to convince me to name your penis the 8th wonder of the world.
Osbourne: I still can't believe you didn't! My penis is amazing! Have you seen it? I know you've seen it!
Pamela: You brought a scale model.
Osbourne: If only you had approved my request I could have sold those scale models! Think of how it would have driven tourism! I have it on good authority... French chicks love my penis!
Pamela: Yeah.. that was a hard no.
Osbourne: Not half as hard as..
Pamela: Stop it!
Osbourne: You dropped the ball on my last idea Pammy but even you aren't going to be able to resist this one! I am the North American champion, correct?
Pamela: That's what that belt you're wearing is.
Steven looks offended.
Osbourne: You mean you didn't watch me totally kick the crap outta Spartan for this belt?
Pamela: I'm messing with you.. of course I did! Everyone watches APW pay per views. Especially when you can view them for free using public tax money. We get all the PPVs here.
Osbourne: Then you know that I earned the right to be champion of all of North America!
Pamela: Kind.. let's assume for the sake of argument I agree with that. What do you want?
Osbourne: Sexville to be recognized as a city!
Pamela: It's not a real place!
Osbourne: It's real to me damnit!
Pamela: That doesn't count.
Osbourne: Sexville is precisely located wherever I am at any moment! Sexville follows me around!
Pamela: That makes no sense! Why would you want somewhere that just follows you around to be considered a city?
Osbourne: So I could be the mayor of Sexville.. duh.
Pamela: Can't you just claim to be the mayor of Sexville?
Osbourne: It's the principle of the matter!
Pamela: You just want to be mayor so you can get gullible women to sleep with you!
Osbourne: Like I said.. it's the principle of the matter! You can't just outright lie about it!
Pamela: If I sleep with you will you just shut up?
Osbourne: You know.. I think this is how it went last time too.
Pamela: You're lucky I remember you were good in the sack.
Osbourne: Did you also remember I never call you the next day?
Pamela: Yeah.. that was a benefit.
Osbourne: On the desk again?
Pamela: I'm certainly not inviting you back to my place and I don't even want to know where you live.
Osbourne: Works for me!
Steven pounces and the scene fades out.
Don't you just hate reruns? You always knows exactly what is going to happen because you've seen it all before. That's what my match this week is like. No suspense at all. I already beat Spartan. I already beat Jobber Dave. So now I'm facing both of them. Does anyone think that's going to change the result?
The first time I faced Jobber Dave he thought the fact that he was a man of the people was going to drive him to victory. He wasn't smart enough to realize I'm also a man of the people! I'm a man of the people who just want to get laid! I'm driven to do anything to get a piece. Jobber Dave isn't really driven to do anything. He's merely content being loved by his public. That means he has no driven. No real will to get himself a victory. That's why for years people called him Jobber Dave and he let them. That's why he was willing to compete in something called a bum fight division. The fact is.. Jobber Dave is content merely existing. I on the other hand am driven to be the best in the world. Because if you want to sleep with the best you gotta be the best! I'm the only man in APW history to ever hold three titles! I'm a triple threat. Jobber Dave has no titles and wears a mask to hide his face. Not good enough. Not nearly good enough! The people want heroes who actually accomplish something! Basically they want the wizard of Oz not the weirdo in a mask who calls himself a jobber!
Then we have Spartan. Who's career has gone in a tailspin since he lost to me. Serves him right too. He underestimated me and got exactly what he deserved! He got destroyed by the most underrated man in wrestling history. Spartan was a hypocrite. He claims he always wants a fight but the first time someone gave him a war he folded. He hasn't been the same since. Spartan is not the warrior he thought he was. I'm a pink suit wear ladies man and I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm a far tougher man then he could ever hope to be! He obsessed over all the damage he thought he could cause to me. Never realizing that I know the truth. Chicks dig scars but glory is forever. Besides all the gold diggers dig the gold so I gotta have me a belt! So I took Spartans. Let's be real.. he was a disappointing champion anyways. I'm much sexier, much more successful.. basically better then Spartan in every way.
Many people have thought I was just a joke. I may make jokes but I have never been one. Ask any star in APW that has stepped into the ring with me. Not a single person can say Steven Osbourne was an easy opponent. Spartan doesn't understand a man like me but that doesn't mean I have no fighting spirit.. no will to win! Spartan was dumb enough to think the only way to win a war is pure brute force. I use my body and my brain. I have twice the weapons Spartan does. A fact that showed during our match. I don't expect Spartan learned from our first encounter. He won't learn from this loss either.
As far as this rerun goes everyone already knows the winner. The only real question in this match is.. am I going to pin Spartan or Jobber Dave? Spoiler alert.. I'm gonna stack em up and pin both at the same time.
